My mysterious Ageless Paramour

I'm not really looking for "support" per se, but to discuss an odd thing that has happened to me. About a year and a half ago, a young man from here PM'ed me and I answered him. We talked on AIM a couple of times; he called me a couple of times, and that was it. He joined but never posted here.

A few weeks ago, he saw me online and said "hello, remember me? etc..." I did, and he asked if he could call. I said "sure."

We are a thousand miles apart, more or less. He has been calling me every weekend. He is dating an older woman, again. He only dates older women; to him, that means he doesn't have to make any commitment to them. It seems clear that his current relationship is based on a few mutual interests and sex. He doesn't have any particular intimacy with this woman, apparently both their choices. We talk about our lives, sex, our partners/potential partners, sex, our interests, the weather, our jobs, sex, and oh, by the way, did I mention sex?

He is 27, a teacher, and has this incredibly alluring voice and way about him. He is, by his own admission, shy (except in the bedroom.) I can tell that he is, in fact, rather shy. I find him intriguing, I know he finds me the same. I find our conversations ranging from pretty enjoyable to downright irresistible.

I was talking to one of my trusted friends about this last week, and she said: This is okay as long as you're not expending energy on this that would be better spent investing in a "real" relationship.

Does a telephone relationship with someone you've never met and most likely will never meet qualify as a "real" relationship? What are the parameters of a "relationship?" Do you really have to meet someone in person to have an honest and meaningful exchange? This is not someone I'd ever imagine having a "real" relationship with, and yet, we're strangely drawn to each other over the phone lines...

Sometimes I think I'm just nuts...but I have to wonder, given "the truth about love" thread....how is this meeting my needs?

I used to think you had to meet someone in person for it to qualify as a "relationship". But I now believe there are many different types of relationships and that you CAN develop feelings for someone that you have only had contact with online and on the phone.

I do think it is a good idea to try to meet in person if you feel you are getting serious in this type of a relationship-if nothing else then to confirm that what you are feeling online or on the phone is the same as what you feel when you are together.

I'm not really looking for "support" per se, but to discuss an odd thing that has happened to me. About a year and a half ago, a young man from here PM'ed me and I answered him. We talked on AIM a couple of times; he called me a couple of times, and that was it. He joined but never posted here.

A few weeks ago, he saw me online and said "hello, remember me? etc..." I did, and he asked if he could call. I said "sure."

We are a thousand miles apart, more or less. He has been calling me every weekend. He is dating an older woman, again. He only dates older women; to him, that means he doesn't have to make any commitment to them. It seems clear that his current relationship is based on a few mutual interests and sex. He doesn't have any particular intimacy with this woman, apparently both their choices. We talk about our lives, sex, our partners/potential partners, sex, our interests, the weather, our jobs, sex, and oh, by the way, did I mention sex?

He is 27, a teacher, and has this incredibly alluring voice and way about him. He is, by his own admission, shy (except in the bedroom.) I can tell that he is, in fact, rather shy. I find him intriguing, I know he finds me the same. I find our conversations ranging from pretty enjoyable to downright irresistible.

I was talking to one of my trusted friends about this last week, and she said: This is okay as long as you're not expending energy on this that would be better spent investing in a "real" relationship.

Does a telephone relationship with someone you've never met and most likely will never meet qualify as a "real" relationship? What are the parameters of a "relationship?" Do you really have to meet someone in person to have an honest and meaningful exchange? This is not someone I'd ever imagine having a "real" relationship with, and yet, we're strangely drawn to each other over the phone lines...

Sometimes I think I'm just nuts...but I have to wonder, given "the truth about love" thread....how is this meeting my needs?

Didn't you already post this thread?

charlotte:

most definitely i did not.....in fact, i hesitated to post it now.

but i can see that i'm boring you to death! :D

He doesn't have any particular intimacy with this woman, apparently both their choices. Kat, you don't really know if the woman sees this relationship the same way he is telling you. :rolleyes:

"Relationship" simply put, means "relating to someone". For me, the 'love' relationships that are the strongest, has truth as a foundation and intimacy, friendship, loyalty, and sex as components of the total relationship.

It takes TIME and IN-PERSON relating to see if the foundation: i.e., TRUTH is really supporting the components or if someone is a player.

You will not know if your relationship is right until you have spent TIME and in-person visits together. It may FEEL right, but that doesn't mean it IS right. However, if you enjoy it and you are not harmed nor kidding yourself, and it doesn't bother you that he has a girlfriend, then that is your decision. I am not going to nix it... (oh, maybe a little... :p )

I started to respond to this then my YM called and I logged out. I think its worth another go. Three years ago, when I first started playing online fantasy games, my husband cynically refered to the people I played with, as my "artificial little friends". Well, my artificial friends listened to me in a way that my husband never had and really helped me come to explore some of my issues with aging, at a time when I really needed a nonjudgemental ear. I had fun....that was very real Kat! Then we were invited as a couple to spend part of our vacation in Florida. They were excited and anxious to show us around. My husband flatly refused and basically belittled me for being so gullible as to think their intentions were good. I even invited him to create a character and play the game with me so he could meet them and see what he thought. This was "ridiculous". And yet, we couldn't hang onto RL friends, because he is so socially phobic, that my friends found it uncomfortable to be around him. He basically had no friends, outside of work people. I realize I am husband bashing again, but I find the internet an amazing social tool. The power of these relationships should not be underestimated, although they clearly fit into a different category than people you have met face to face.

My YM and I often talk about how we met in the game. Might as well have been RL because it occured in a particular "town", there was scenery, other people present, music, and activity all around us. We were introduced by a mutual friend, who recalls the events as well. We can go back to that place anytime and visit, as though it were a real geographic location. Again, these are psychologically powerful experiences.

What made the relationship with my young man happen, is exactly like what would have happened in RL when two people meet and connect. Lots of talking, getting to know one another, becoming friends first with no agenda beyond that. Had he not been there, I highly doubt I would have had a relationship of this caliber with anyone else. I have never spoken with anyone else on the phone that I met in a game. I did buy a microphone so that I could do voice chat in a game, and my husband objected because it was too noisy.

Anyway...in my opinion these ARE relationships...albeit different than those that are more traditional.....they are real....and they have value. :)

The power of these relationships should not be underestimated, They can be very powerful, there is no doubt. :)

All I am saying, is that the difference in 'net dating and real life regular inperson dating, is you have a lot more information to glean from when the person is right there in your face & home. :D The bottom line of any love relationship: is 'it based on TRUTH'? That takes time.

Until one is totally integrated into their partner's life, with meeting their friends and family, all we know is what they say (for the most part). But those relationships ARE just as binding and powerful as in-person loves.

That is why, for me, I meet them right away and spend regular in-person time with them. I have seen too many women (& men) be burned when they accepted everything the LD partner said... then when they met, or spent significant time together, the bubble popped unfortunately.

It is wise to manage our expectations to lessen the chance of being hurt. :(

Hi Kat, I was just wondering why you cant imagine it being a "real" relationship if ya'll are so drawn to one another. I mean if it were me I would want to meet him in person if I was that intrigued. Who knows could lead to a lifetime of wonderfullness....

...I was talking to one of my trusted friends about this last week, and she said: This is okay as long as you're not expending energy on this that would be better spent investing in a "real" relationship.

Does a telephone relationship with someone you've never met and most likely will never meet qualify as a "real" relationship?

What are the parameters of a "relationship?"

Do you really have to meet someone in person to have an honest and meaningful exchange?

This is not someone I'd ever imagine having a "real" relationship with, and yet, we're strangely drawn to each other over the phone lines...

Hi, Kat.

In quick succession, I'd answer:

* "No!" A real relationship is one that meets all your human needs: sexual intimacy, physical connection, and sharing mutual friendships. Just simple things like touching a lover's hair or smelling his/her cologne/perfume play such a powerful role.

* "It depends." Parameters of a relationship are difficult for me to define, but I think they definitely need to extend beyond getting an erotic thrill -- which is what most of us get by talking about sex a lot.

* "Yes." A physical connection is essential for a meaningful exchange. It's just as important as it would be if you were going to buy a house from someone, or buy a business. You'd really want to meet the owner and see what he/she was like, and get a chance to fully establish trust -- or not establish trust, and back away from the deal.

Aaaand....I think all this analysis of whether non-face-to-face relating is a relationship...is totally beside the point here.

This question has been hashed out ad infinitum for years, and personally I think it's different for every relationship what quality the online or phone-only part is. I and my honey were online-only for 5 months, we saw enough compatibility to take to RL, we were right on the money and things have been all in all fabulous since.

But anyway.

What I saw in your question Kat was...another episode of you getting sucked into something that's less than what you hint that you want. And the "need" this meets is that it once again keeps you from getting into a complete relationship, as you conceive of it. I will leave you to answer why you need this.

The actual mechanics, whether it be online/phone/in-person sporadic visits, don't matter. The point is that you're spending time and energy on something that gives you less than 100%. If any one of us asked you whether we should spend time giving some guy, who has a ****-buddy and apparently little interest in women beyond using them for sex, what amounts to phone sex on the side of the pitifully reduced relationship he already has, what would you say?

such interesting responses!

YR...thx for you thoughts, however, you misread me. this is not a "relationship" i would ever pursue IRL. i already know enough to know that. this is someone who is mirroring my own dysfunction and from that, i hope to learn something...and actually, it's at an opportune time. i say that because my own issues are slapping me in the face right now, and i'm attempting to deal with them head on. suddenly, this person appears who is the epitome of what is "wrong" with me....unnurtured by family, unwilling to commit, etc, and we have a lot of similar characteristics in our personalities.

i feel there must be a lesson for me in it...some "takeaway" i'm supposed to glean from this intriguing young man. or maybe i'm just naive.

harrison, thx for your logical take. and rozie, glad things worked out for you!!

i feel like we (mystery boy and i)offer each other a "safe place" to some degree...but as you point out so wisely goldie, is it just another obstacle to keep me from where i want to be? well, obviously that's a consideration, and the purpose of my original post actually.

bottom line, i'm probably over-analyzing it.

what i feel is that in life we make ourown definitions...if that is a relationship to you kat then so be it....

by the way i loved the alluring voice part...remind me to whisper to you if i ever call you...because my voice is not alluring...at least it will sound interesting if i whisper

ok i wouldlike to add...who makes these rules about relationships anyway...i feel that if you feel its a relationship well then it is...

does anybody agree/disagree with me?

ok i wouldlike to add...who makes these rules about relationships anyway...i feel that if you feel its a relationship well then it is...

does anybody agree/disagree with me?


Well put!!

I have an Ageless paramour (whatever that means) too Kat. We usually posted on the same threads and discovered common interests.
The story went on and off for about 8 months (more off than on) and we both admitted being terribly attracted to each other. This created tension because of the distance and the fear of commitment.
We decided to let go of the attraction aspect and to remain friends. We also decided never to meet in person in order to avoid getting hurt or to have to change plans since we both know that the distance will always be a problem. We decided to date other people.
Well amazingly , we have become much more comfortable and open to each other since that decision was made. He is too precious for me, I love him very dearly and I'm sure that my friendship is very important to him also.
We are on the same intellectual level, we can understand each other amazingly well, and we get on most of the time except when he pisses me off and that happens often. But that's just him. He's not my boyfried, so I really don't have to worry about his bad character. We have helped lift each other up, we have discussed and solved matters that cause us insomnia, we give each other tons of isnpiration, and all the rest doesn't matter.

charlotte:

most definitely i did not.....in fact, i hesitated to post it now.

but i can see that i'm boring you to death! :D

lol

Maybe I am suffering from deja vu :o

I'm not really looking for "support" per se, but to discuss an odd thing that has happened to me. About a year and a half ago, a young man from here PM'ed me and I answered him. We talked on AIM a couple of times; he called me a couple of times, and that was it. He joined but never posted here.

A few weeks ago, he saw me online and said "hello, remember me? etc..." I did, and he asked if he could call. I said "sure."

We are a thousand miles apart, more or less. He has been calling me every weekend. He is dating an older woman, again. He only dates older women; to him, that means he doesn't have to make any commitment to them. It seems clear that his current relationship is based on a few mutual interests and sex. He doesn't have any particular intimacy with this woman, apparently both their choices. We talk about our lives, sex, our partners/potential partners, sex, our interests, the weather, our jobs, sex, and oh, by the way, did I mention sex?

He is 27, a teacher, and has this incredibly alluring voice and way about him. He is, by his own admission, shy (except in the bedroom.) I can tell that he is, in fact, rather shy. I find him intriguing, I know he finds me the same. I find our conversations ranging from pretty enjoyable to downright irresistible.

I was talking to one of my trusted friends about this last week, and she said: This is okay as long as you're not expending energy on this that would be better spent investing in a "real" relationship.

Does a telephone relationship with someone you've never met and most likely will never meet qualify as a "real" relationship? What are the parameters of a "relationship?" Do you really have to meet someone in person to have an honest and meaningful exchange? This is not someone I'd ever imagine having a "real" relationship with, and yet, we're strangely drawn to each other over the phone lines...

Sometimes I think I'm just nuts...but I have to wonder, given "the truth about love" thread....how is this meeting my needs?

Just make sure you don't go overboard with the whole: "I'm so in love with a guy I've talked to on the phone a few times." Internet romance and romance in real life are different. Both are fun, but online you run the risk that someone is taking you for a ride. I'd just have him as a phone friend, given what you have said about him, and let it be.

Ali
P.S. You are not crazy, but are you sure you really want a man in your life now?

Loucine, if you have any tips to overcome insomnia, SPIT THEM OUT!! I never thought I'd have trouble sleeping in my life, but I sure do now. Your phone relationship story was interesting...sounds like it's a good thing you never met, because you find him a pain in the *** even on the phone!

Trish, sometimes things can be as real in your head as real life...after all, we create our own reality, no? I deal with a lot of people with mental illness, who sure think the things in their head are real, and I guess for them, they are.
But I really do believe thought creates form to a large degree.

This discussion is largely theoretical. This is not a person I'm even remotely "in love with" either in reality or in fantasy, and I've never meant or indicated that. It's someone with whom I feel some connection however, and find intriguing. It's far from any kind of reality. It IS however, an interesting distraction from my withdrawal from YM....who is in parts unknown now....he has left the state and I don't know where he is...

so, LB, I don't think there's any risk of him taking me for a ride...more likely the opposite. And to answer your question, yes, I would like a man in my life right now...I'd really like some kind of real intimacy. Not too much mind you....I'd have to ease into it, but I think I need it. I'm just not sure I can handle it. Working on issues!!

I definitely believe thought creates form. Everything originates with a thought. That's why it's so important to make sure we have the right ones....positive, not negative. I always manifest what I dwell on....good or bad. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I agree with you 100%; conversely it's not so good to deny our dark side...we all have one.

...and my dark side had fabulous phone sex with mr. mysterious tonight! WHOA!

if you just want a one night stand this guy sounds ideal,but it seems this guy chases older women to get his rocks off,sorry but that doesnt sit right with me and it seems to me you want more than that ie relationship,i dont know you hun but i do know you deserve better,in my eyes this is not a relationship

ageless paramour sounds so sexy and so mysterious at the same time...anyways kat its upto you ...do what you want to do ultimately...i think its good to be a little unsure in life (maybe thats the pessimist in me talking)

all i can tell you is that i had a REALLY good day, smiling and feeling pretty happy. endorphin and prolactin bathed brain...hey man, at this point in my life, whatever works....eh? i sure had fun last night, and didn't even have to leave the farm.

I have a funny valentine ... does that count?

My funny valentine
Sweet comic valentine
You make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable, unphotographable
Yet you're my favorite work of art

all i can tell you is that i had a REALLY good day, smiling and feeling pretty happy. endorphin and prolactin bathed brain...hey man, at this point in my life, whatever works....eh? i sure had fun last night, and didn't even have to leave the farm.


You go girl! :D

I love that song.....
Nat King Cole's version is great!


You can say that again!

I'm gettin' all teary

here i was talking about down and dirty phone sex, and you guys got all romantic and soft on me!!! i AM the female man of Ageless!