scared to death

ok here it goes. I am brand new here. After my weekend, I took to the net for some help and I found this site. I was about to close out when I read a post from "losing my mind". It was like a page from my life, well almost. I too am attracted to an employee of my husband's. My husband and I have been married for 11 years, have 3 children, but are not happily married. We haven't been for a long time now. I have asked him to seek couples counseling with me and he thinks if we need counseling the marriage is doomed. He doesn't want someone else telling him he's wrong or right. Anyway, this weekend was our company Christmas party. By the end of the evening the feelings this YM and I share for each other were certain as was our commitment NOT to act on them. I've had feelings for him for over 6 months now and now he knows. He too has had these feelings for sometime. I don't dare ask him exactly how long as his response would add fuel to this fire. During the party we didn't need to use many words to communicate with each other. It was a glance here and brush by there. Just enough to take my breath away. We ended up alone talking in the kitchen. We mostly stared and smiled at each other. We exchanged a few words of mutual attraction. I did touch his hand and yes I held it for just a moment. I shed a tear or two and with this I told him to go back to the party. I would never cheat on my husband no matter how unhappy I am, but more importantly I wouldn't cheat on my children. I know the YM feels the same way about this. So where is all this going? I guess I just needed to get it out. I can't stop thinking about him. I suppose it's okay to day dream about someone else? That's all I can and will do. After reading through some of the previous posts many people suggested therapy to the other gal. I know that is what I need. It's just that he is the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful man I've had the pleasure of meeting in a long long time. And he's wanting me! And older mother of 3! I should be on cloud 9 and feeling great that "hey maybe I still have it". But instead I feel like I've been kicked in the belly. The weight I am feeling is so intense. Maybe it's the dream of what could be with this YM and the lack of what is with my husband that is making me feel so sick. Someone's post said something about it being natural to feel attracted to someone else, but that it will soon fade. Do I want it to fade? Is it giving me something to live for? Not that anything will happen, because I won't let it, but just the idea that something is there? (don't beat me up on that one - I have so much to live for - I didn't mean it so dramatically) I meant as a woman - something to live for as a woman.
Well thanks for listening.
Merry Christmas to everyone.

I might suggest going to therapy yourself. It will help you to sort out some of these feelings, and just the act of making an appointment and going, might say more to your husband about how you feel about the current state of your marriage, than any begging and cajoling him to go ever would.

I believe that it is natural to find yourself attracted to other people and even develop crushes when you are married or in a committed relationship. I also think it's normal to fantasize about what it would be like to be with someone else-especially if you are not happy with your current relationship.

I also believe that COMMITMENT to one person means not ACTING on these feelings. It means resisting temptation.

That being said, perhaps this young man has opened up your hidden fantasies about what kind of relationship you really want. If you are truly unhappy with your husband, I think you should do something about it. Just as it is one of your marital DUTIES to be faithful to your husband, it is one of your husband's marital DUTIES to try and make you happy. You need to tell him what areas of the relationship are not making you happy and insist that the two of you reach a compromise in which BOTH of you will be happy. That is your obligation to each other.

If he refuses to compromise, then I feel that he has no regard for your feelings, wants, and needs and I say leave him and find happiness elsewhere. I do not believe that two people should ever stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children. Children are perceptive and know when their parents are not happy, and the only thing you teach them when you do that is that it is normal to be in an unhappy dysfunctional relationship. The greatest gift you can give your children is to give them the self respect and esteem to be in a happy, successful relationship. And you can't give them that gift if you do not know how to be in one yourself.

Yes I agree with compromising. But there are just some things we can't agree on. In the end, it's his way. For an example, I have a problem with married people going to bars. But he goes anyway. Not a lot, but when he does he doesn't come home until after 4 a.m. The bars close at 2! I don't see any reason to stay out that late. It's disrespectful to me. I can't sleep until I know he is home and safe. I've tried the old "if you come home that late again, that's it" speech. He just says well I guess that's it then because I'm not going to change. He feels he's already given up so much since we've been married and now added 3 children to the mix. I'm dreading what is going to happen when he hits his midlife crisis.
Thanks for your advice!

Yes I agree with compromising. But there are just some things we can't agree on. In the end, it's his way. For an example, I have a problem with married people going to bars. But he goes anyway. Not a lot, but when he does he doesn't come home until after 4 a.m. The bars close at 2! I don't see any reason to stay out that late. It's disrespectful to me. I can't sleep until I know he is home and safe. I've tried the old "if you come home that late again, that's it" speech. He just says well I guess that's it then because I'm not going to change. He feels he's already given up so much since we've been married and now added 3 children to the mix. I'm dreading what is going to happen when he hits his midlife crisis.
Thanks for your advice!

Empty threats are meaningless. You should know that, with three kids. If you don't want to be with your husband then leave him. Don't cheat--be upfront and maintain your dignity.

Wow, did I say I didn't want to be with my husband? Quite the opposite. I am willing to stick it out to the end even if it means a lifetime of unhappiness. For me divorce is not an option, nor is cheating. I'm a nice catholic girl :)
I'm just having some trouble with feelings that have popped up for a YM that is showing me the attention I long for.

aww, its gonna be ok and you are completely normal.

its gonna take work but any chance you have with rekindling the fire with your husband is going to be worth it ten-fold. maybe you have a chance to make this marriage work and many of us on this site did not have the same opportunity with our past relationships and that has nothing to do with an age-gap relationship, it has to do with two people coming to terms to what is REALLY important in life. I so wish you the best and happy christmas to you too.

A guy that goes out till 4 AM is not playing fair. What if you did that? How would he react? Is he a big drinker? I do think you should go to therapy. You definitely deserve to be treated better than that.

It looks like he has you convinced that he gave up a lot to get married and have kids. What a crock! He has recieved love and support from you... there is definitely something wrong with someone who stays out regularly until 4AM. ARe you sure he isn't having an affair? Have you checked? :(

Sam - it sounds to me like you're trying to be a martyr. You're doing all the right things for the marriage, for the children, for your husband. But, what about you? What are you doing for yourself? I was in a similar situation about 2 years ago. My husband didn't want to go to counseling, even though our marriage was dead. He didn't want a stranger telling us what to do or butting into our relationship. The kids were unhappy because we were unhappy. I finally made the decision to separate. It was just a trial separation, to see if we could work this out apart, to see if he would "wake up" and maybe realize that we should seek professional help. At first, we started coming closer together. He seemed to open up to me & we started "dating" each other again. It was pretty nice. Then, one day, he had a bad day at work and the next thing I knew he was taking it out on me again. It was back to square one. He hadn't changed. Neither had I. Two years later, we are still separated, and in the middle of a divorce. The kids are happier now that their mom is happy. BTW, I met a YM a year ago - 10 years younger - who was going through the same thing with his soon-to-be-ex. We weren't looking for a relationship with another person. We both didn't believe in cheating, even though our marriages were dying. Still, we ended up together, and I've never been happier in my life. Though he lives 400 miles away, we make regular visits to see one another. We both feel that this is only the beginning of something wonderful. I would suggest to you a trial separation. Maybe it might bring you & your husband back together. If it doesn't, then you'll know it's time to move on. Above all, take care of YOU. No one else will. Best of luck!!!

Kathy

Wow, did I say I didn't want to be with my husband? Quite the opposite. I am willing to stick it out to the end even if it means a lifetime of unhappiness. For me divorce is not an option, nor is cheating. I'm a nice catholic girl.

Ughhhh.

I really hate to hear things like this. ExCUSE me, but what is worth a LIFETIME OF UNHAPPINESS?

Every time this cheating subject comes up, people come in and start talking about "commitment" and "duties." I HATE that. Sorry to those who believe in knuckling under because you "promised." Well, what about HIS duties to you? There is something so fundamentally wrong with "commitment" when it is one-sided. Some ladies here have touched on this already. It's because of these stupid beliefs in duty that people get into, and STAY in, situations that would be unacceptable to the rest of us. I'll be quite frank, any institution who would treat me as if I belong to my ex-husband forever, when I have chosen a FAR better man now, is non-sensical.

"Commitment" should be made only to those who are worthy of it. Nobody should be stapled to a ball and chain who insists on your "duty" while doing whatever the heck he wants.

One thing you should be aware of. Don't get too starry-eyed about guys who want you while you're still married. A TON of people have issues with being attracted to what they can't have, and that is the ONLY TIME you will be attractive to them. In other words, you don't know yet if it really is YOU he likes, and not YOU + UNAVAILABLE. A lot of people live in a fantasy world like this because reality is too much for them. Things are not always what they seem.

Funny, my husband always tells me I should do things for myself. I put the children and him first. (yes I was raised by a martyr - and she still is- my unhappy path is unfortunately very similar to hers). My husband on the other hand was raised by a Mom who did put herself first. Her husband died when my husband was only 12. She was in therapy for at least 15 years. She told her children it was "me" time. And made it very clear that she will come first from now on. She still sticks to her guns with that one. Grandkids? What grandkids. So naturally, my husband follows her lead. He's the guy who will always eat the "last cookie". It's not like I didn't know this going into the marriage either. It's my own fault for not having the self esteem to move on before I said I do. The YM of course is the exact opposite. I see him through our company at least once or twice a week. (my husband operates a remodeling company and his office is home based so the guys are here, in and out getting supplies, pay checks, etc.) We also entertain a lot. And the YM always comes over (bon fires, cook outs, horseshoes, crabs, you get the idea) He's always there to lend a hand or help with the children. I never have to ask - it just seems to come natural to him. I realize now that there are some people who are in tune with others while there are some who are only in tune with themselves. Maybe YM aren't tainted by the everyday responsibilities of family, bills & life. The world is still new and wonderful. I know I see that when I look in his eyes.

For me divorce is not an option, nor is cheating. I'm a nice catholic girl

My aunt remain legally separated to her husband until their deaths because of the the same nonsense of being a "nice catholic girl". Her husband cheated on her and they were never able to resolve their issues so they remained "married" until they both died. in one of our many conversations, she regretted not giving him the divorce for many reasons...1) they had 3 girls, she felt that in staying married to her husband, she did not make herself available to another partner thereby giving her daughters a different perspective of what marriage can really be like with a better choice of a man. 2) After her daughters grew up and started dating, she realize that children learn more by example than whatever you tell them, because after viewing the kind of men they were bringing home they never quite got the message of what is quality and what was just plain old losers (and not just financially but emotionally, in maturity, intellectually), and 3) She held herself just as accountable as her husband because of his many relationships after, because it was she who held up the divorce to keep him from remarrying and giving her daughter's a stepmother and/or not being able to collect on his retirement funds, and it took her a long time to recognize just how selfish she was being in not giving neither one of them better opportunities to seek out quality people.

She basically dedicated her life to her girls and then her grandchildren. Never knowing the love of a good man and seeking "a little bit of heaven on earth".

Its commendable of you to not pursue this relationship with this ym, but you don't have to live unhappily in a miserable marriage. As much as I can appreciate the Catholic Church, God wants you to live with joy and happiness. Yes, there will be tragedies, but those are for strengthening the soul and bringing growth to our spirits. We cannot find those attributes in misery.

you should go to therapy, I think it will help you find your selfworth as an individual and a child of God. Or talk to your priest and try to get counseling through them. You might also consider a trail separation, make your husband aware that you are developing feelings for this ym at work and let him know why you're developing them and explaining how this ym makes you feel but that you would prefer that your husband was doing this for you instead of some donkey dink who next time, may not care that you're married or that you have kids. Its time to take your life back, make something more worthwhile than a wife and mother. You are someone's daughter and a person of worth. Don't let your husband forget this. Good luck.

Paris

Wow, did I say I didn't want to be with my husband?

Well, that's how I read this, "I've tried the old 'if you come home that late again, that's it' speech."

I guess I misunderstood that to mean you want to leave him, "that's it" implies that to me.

Sam, you didn't answer my questions... sorry if it seemed too personal.

I felt as you did, when my marriage of 14 years was not working out. He went out nights and said that he was depressed and just riding around thinking... until 2 and 3 AM.

I went to a therapist. After sharing all the abuse and heartache, the therapist asked me why was I still married. I said that I was afraid that God would be mad at me if I broke my vows and got a divorce. He said that God made MARRIAGE to serve us, not for us to serve the INSTITUTION of marriage.

It is obvious that your marriage is not serving you well at all, in it's current state. I sincerely hope you will see a good counselor who might be able to help you sort through all this. Good luck.

I think we need to take the "until death do us part" line out of the marriage vows.

When that was written, people only lived until 35!

Where in the bible does it say divorce is wrong? Not living up to your end of the promise while married, I can see. But what if it just isn't working? I just can't believe that a god would require people to stay in an unhappy marriage.

answers to your questions: yes, he is a big drinker. which is why i don't agree w/staying out that late or hanging out in bars. It's a recipe for trouble if you ask me. He said he's never given me any reason not to trust him and it bothers him that I would think he would cheat. But under the influence, who knows what a person could do. I don't believe he has ever cheated, though I guess one can never really be sure. If you're a cheater than you're a lier too, right? It all falls into the same downward spiral. I appreciate you sharing your therepist's insight. It too feel that I would be disobeying God by thinking of divorce. I already feel like I'm paving my way to hell for wanting another man. UGH! I feel very weak and disappointed in myself for even looking, thinking wishing . . .
I have never been to a therapist before, so today I made a call and I have an appointment Wed. morning @ 11. I'm very nervous, but I know it will help. Thank you for your advice.

I think we need to take the "until death do us part" line out of the marriage vows.

When that was written, people only lived until 35!

Where in the bible does it say divorce is wrong? Not living up to your end of the promise while married, I can see. But what if it just isn't working? I just can't believe that a god would require people to stay in an unhappy marriage.

Absolutely Kristin!!

And if leaving a bad marriage is a sin against God, then I guess I'm going to he!! for sure-I've done it not once, but TWICE!

Sam,

I'm real anxious to know how your therapy session went. I hope it went well. Hang in there. Things will work out the way they are meant to. And you have all of us here to unload your thoughts & frustrations on. :)

Kathy

And if leaving a bad marriage is a sin against God, then I guess I'm going to he!! for sure-I've done it not once, but TWICE!

It is not a sin, God approves of divorce very much especially in cases of abuse and neglect. Unfortunately, when the Bible was continuously translated from language, after language, after language, its lost alot of very precious things along the way. You can't find the person you need to be, if you're living a life of misery.

I'm glad you decided on therapy. Always keep an open mind and a willing spirit. You, your life will be clearer to you once more.

Paris

Oh my...
I always knew people would be better off without religion.... It always makes me cringe what people go through just because some things that were supposedly written in that book and worded by patriarchal men of church just to suppress women.. the bible is such a handy tool for them!
That said...

Sam,
I'm so glad that you made the decision to see a therapist! I really hope you get a good one right from the start that you can trust. He/she will surely help you to sort out what you really want and what is good for YOU!

I am glad you are seeing a therapist. Remember, if you two do not click, please feel free to not go back. Sometimes it takes "interviewing" 2 or 3 before you find the right one.

He said he's never given me any reason not to trust him and it bothers him that I would think he would cheat. Hmmm. Staying out until 4 AM would be reason right there. :rolleyes:

I know it is hard not to beat up on yourself but please give yourself credit. You have held things together all this time. You are stronger than you think. And being attracted to another guy is totally understandable. If you were starving in the dessert would you blame yourself for having visions of food?

Just take it one day at time and know that God's goodness is not about punishment... only redeeming you from the hell that you are going through, okay? :)