An attempt to make a point, backfired... positively

Okay....
So, my ym and I have been together for 18 months now. In another thread a while back there was discussion about our ym's looking really young and whether or not that made us uncomfortable in public, etc. Tiny Dancer admitted on Oprah that she likes her honey to sport a goatee so that he doesn't look so young, etc.

I think it may be more of an issue with us OW who are over about 45 with ym 20+ years younger (as in my case). Heck, some of the "OW" here in their early 30's have no distinguishable age gap with their guys based on looks... you lucky girls, you !

Anyway, my ym does have a goatee, and his hairline is already thinning a bit, but he dresses VERY young still. I mean, he has his ears pierced ("stretched"? is that the right term for wearing progressively larger earrings and studs to stretch the pierced hole?), baseball caps, skater-logo t's and sweatshirts, baggy jeans, etc. He is meticulously clean/hygenic, and his clothes are not "sloppy"...they are pretty cute on him, actually...but draw that kind of unwanted attention to our age gap when we are out in public.
It's not an issue, but it is something we've talked about, usually lightheartedly. I have asked him if he'd mind,for instance, wearing his more conservative earrings to my son's choir concert at school, etc. He agrees and isn't offended, but always says, "Who cares what other people think?"...I try to explain that to make selections from his wardrobe that don't exaggerate our age dif. in public is being sensitive to me and my comfort level in this small town, and I appreciate his efforts there a lot.
But, I've also tried to turn the scenario around for him to empathize by saying, "Imagine taking me out to dinner if I wore a mumu, keds, no makeup, and my hair in a pony tail on top of my head...obviously looking WAY older?"
Last week, we had a dinner date. I answered the door wearing: a mumu, keds (with black socks even :eek: ), no makeup, and my hair in a strange updo like someone in the 60's.

He looked at me, eyes wide, and said,"So, honey, are you ready?"

I could have killed him :D

He seriously didn't care...and egged me on to actually wear the getup out. He called my bluff, and taught me a lesson all at once.

Needless to say, I changed my clothes before we left the house; and I haven't bugged him about his "outlaw earrings" any more. Funny though, he's wearing the conservative ones a lot more now ;)

Are there any other OW here who have wanted to shrink the gap-appearance quotient or felt more uncomfortable in public when your ym looks particularly "young" on any given day? It's that fear of public scrutiny that is just so hard to shake, especially when you live in a small, rural, conservative town, I think. I think the fear of that question we have all dreaded (or actually heard), "So, would you and your MOTHER like to sit at this table?", is a catalyst to our discomfort at times. Any insights or stories to share?

hey i know how you feel im only 27 and my ym is 19 but like i said b4 someone asked if he was a friends son i was babysitting,everyone keeps asking if he is 14,it doesnt really help that im like 70 kg (140 pounds???)and he is 50 kg (100 pounds i think)?
I'm a bit scared to hold his hand incase ppl think im a bloody pedophile,mine is really 'pretty' too you know the diamond stud in ear etc lol so yeah i know where you are coming from ...my ym is totally cool with it of course he is all the guys at work think he is a big stud older blonde woman sheesh lol

Your post reminds me of something that happened to Stu recently. I forget who it was, but someone made some tactless comment to him about `looking older' than he is (his hair is thinning), and when he was relating the story, I could see that the comment hurt him.

I told Stu that I think he can still pass for 19, and he gave me a great big smile, then he hugged me close and thanked me!

this reminded me that most people want to be seen as youthful, even guys in their twenties, which is easy to forget when you're already 30+ or 40+ and you thinbk of 20-something as a great gift. It reminded me not to be too selfish and to remember that Stu is entitled to enjoy his youthful appearance, and even strive to look younger if he wants. I mean we all do that.
PS. I think you're bf, special K, is not only tolerant of your age difference but PROUD of it. Kudos to him...thats one heck of a positive statement:)

bella you are so damn right!
ive never thought about it that way in regards to letting them enjoy looking youthful etc and making the most of it you have made me think

I never thought much about him looking younger because, as you mention, we don't look too obvious AG together.

The problem came from more social issues. When we got together, it was the hip-hop clothes, shaved head and neck tattoos next to my conservative business clothes that seemed to turn heads.

Now that he dresses more conservatively and has hair and glasses, we don't seem to get as many puzzled looks.

Bella - great points.

Well - our dress styles don't have the effect of age-gapping us much - sometimes he does edge toward a little more casual than I do but that's only occasional. (I don't care for much that would fall under the category "conservative" myself, never have, I prefer things a bit trendier but sure don't "follow" fashion.)

The honey is one of those whose goatee does make him look a little older - first time I saw him without, a couple of years ago, it was kind of a shock! LOL. Only in the sense of it being surprising though, not as it reflected on me. And he's terribly cute either way. :D

But - I just wanted to echo what BellaD said, mainly - my love will be 30 in just over a year, and he feels the ageist pressures too. He doesn't want the people around him to treat him like he's washed up as he gets older. He dresses age-appropriately and I'm sure he always will, so he's not trying to fend off aging that way. But guys definitely do have these concerns as well, even the young ones. Our stupid society...

I dress so young that you may not be able to tell a generational difference between myself and a ym. I know in Virginia if I went out with a dude who was wearing those bigger earrings, people would probably presume that he is gay, and we are pals hitting the clubs. So they would never truly assume we're a couple.
I had someone guess that I was 29 years old yesterday! I, however, see my age when I look at my face. Go figure.

Ali

my guess is that WHERE you live is the variable that might be the issue, rather than what anyone is wearing. i know for me, i don't care what anyone wears, however, the YM i've been involved with dresses very conservatively.

i think yr YM sounds great. i like how he handled it, and actually how you handled it too! bravo.

You know..........

No matter what they do, whether the guys dress up, dress down, gauged ears, conservative ears, facial hair, no facial hair...........they will always be younger then us......

No matter what we do, whether we dress up, dress down, piercings, no piercings, make up, no make up...........we will always be older then them.......

We will always get some that say, "You don't look like you have an age gap", and then there's some that say "You look like you're such and such age", or then some that say "Is he your son?".........or "Is she your mom?"..........

I think everyone sees everyone through different eyes........to some people we are abnormal.......to others, they don't give a care..........to some we're just ordinary people in a relationship who love each other..........

It's not how we look on the outside.......its all about our hearts, our happiness..............

If we're comfortable in our own space.........who really cares how the other dresses or looks..........who really cares what other people think?

I think if we were with men of our own age, we wouldn't be asking them to "change" their style..........its what we were attracted to in the first place........

They dress "young" because they are dressing age appropriate.........guaged ears, baggy pants, baseball caps........etc........its just a style, a form of self expression.......

Its not hard for even older women to dress in style.....find a style that goes with his style........blend......

Why would you want him to change? Why would you want to have him to conform to what society deems acceptable? After all, in realtionships such as ours, we really are going against society? lol

love,
sora

My YM is 20 and looks 20.No matter what he wears.Sometimes I wish he could wear something that would make him look older.

The first time he wanted to hold my hand,I also felt like OMG people what will people think.But when I saw how happy he was and what an amazing smile he gave me when I held his hand,it was enough for me and it made me also very happy.

I'm 31 but look younger.His family and friends thought I was 23-24.I have no intention of dressing younger to match his age because then I wouldn't be ME.

Thanks Sora for the right piercing term, "gauged"...and, Ali...the "gauged" earrings don't have anything "gay"-looking about them. Actually they make the guy look a little more like someone you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley, ya know?

Chrerubino....you said it perfectly...I simply aim at dressing in a way that minimizes our age gap, rather than drawing attention to it.

Thanks for all the input, Ladies...
Merry Christmas, everyone....heading off to NYC tomorrow with my sons and I can't wait!!! :D

The gap between my girlfriend and I is 25 years. I think as far as public is concern, we do not show Public Displays of Affect since we first met (10 years ago). We tend to let people's minds decide for themselves. Young women tend to think we are a thing and are total ok with it, older women (40+) tend to think she is my mother. We actually both get a kick out of watching their reactions and minds start to turn once I tell them she is not my mother and leave it at that. The resourcefulness of the questions after that from women still amaze me.

As far as men go (any age) I can honestly say, I have never had one ask what the situation between us is.

I tend to dress conservative when out (leather jacket, jeans, etc.) and business dress when otherwise. I think she actually enjoys this as in her own words "I can see your ***" Her favourite is when I am in a suit and her a fabulous dress, then the comments and curiousity from others fly all night.

I think we came to an agreement that we do not tell each other what to wear and left it at that (btw, same as any other relationship I was in). It could be just me but I can guaranty I would not let a woman dress me despite the age situation.

Sin, Think2Much

I haven't had a problem with it as of yet (we don't look like much of an AG atm). I do wonder what 5-10 years down the road may be like but you know what? I don't care what anyone has to say about it anyways! I wouldn't want him to change, I fell in love with him for who he is. :)

Thanks Sora for the right piercing term, "gauged"...and, Ali...the "gauged" earrings don't have anything "gay"-looking about them. Actually they make the guy look a little more like someone you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley, ya know?

Chrerubino....you said it perfectly...I simply aim at

Thanks for all the input, Ladies...
Merry Christmas, everyone....heading off to NYC tomorrow with my sons and I can't wait!!! :D

And I think here the guys who wear those earrings are stereotyped as gay! That's not to say it's true, it's just what people on the street might think. Who knows? I do know that I posted on this topic previously, regarding the ex ym's beard.


Ali

LOL Karen! :D What a story! Tell you one thing--you're dating one way cool, secure guy!

It's that fear of public scrutiny that is just so hard to shake, especially when you live in a small, rural, conservative town, I think. I think the fear of that question we have all dreaded (or actually heard), "So, would you and your MOTHER like to sit at this table?", is a catalyst to our discomfort at times.

That's one reason I've never wanted to live in a small, rural conservative town! In my large, urban, liberal city, OW/YM relationships are becoming commonplace. I don't think people pay much attention anymore. In general, Angelenos are pretty used to and accepting of unconventional people, lifestyles, and activities. LA people will think "that's cool," or if something doesn't appeal, they'll think "whatever," but we're not likely to get our noses out of joint over things like unusual relationships. The human comedy plays out in full force in LA (hell, in Cali in general). I color outside the lines myself, doing things like, for instance, dating women 20 years older than I, so I fit right in! :D

my husband is very young looking, tattoo's had piercings before the army and dresses his age. i want this marriage to work so i told him he better act his age. i cant change that he is 25 and i am 46, i find him totally irresistable and those who know us tell us they hope to find their adam or rina, we are sickening i suppose but so much in love.

i used to get mad when people stared, now, its not worth the bother, i love my husband so much that it would just take to long to explain to a stranger and i dont want to have to convince someone who couldnt wrap their brains around the fact that we are in love and married and a very traditional couple other than our appearance.

As a 50 OM with an 18 yr old YW I could really relate to your post. Ironically I got her a nose piercing (she hasnt done it yet) for her on our anniversary. I am always badgering her on the college sweatshirt and jeans thing. But hey she is in college and I still wear jeans. Look at it this way, gift buying is very very easy. :)

Actually they make the guy look a little more like someone you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley, ya know? Just shows how we all have our own perspective. I guess because my 15 year old grandson and his band members have them, I never give it a second thought. :)

We have a 23 year age gap and yes, I dress a little differently when I am out with my YM than I do, say for instance, in a work or professional environment. I also plan to have a little surgical upkeep done and he is behind me on this one. Although neither of us are given to great public displays of affection, it would be nice to do so without having to worry about comments. Clearly when we are out with his friends, it will make things a lot easier. With my friends I don't think it will matter, because they all dress relatively young.

Guaged ears are the bomb!! And, it doesn't mean you're gay or anything.........just means you like large holes in your ear lobes!

I don't think anything of it when I see them on people........

I love individuality.........

My guy and I act like two people in love.........we share public affection, like holding hands, hugging, kissing........don't really give much thought as to what people think while we're out and about.........

My guy taught me early on when we're out......."Look around, are you EVER going to see these people again?.....exactly Linny.....so who cares what THEY think?"

It made sense to me...........and his friends all have the same attitude.....they love us for us..........and that's what real friends are all about.....

love
sora

I love to see older women dressing young ie in young fashionable cloths. What really, really bugs me is when women judge other women about the style they dress in espesially when they say they should dress their age it (annoys) me no end, man I hate that with a passion, I love to see grand parent dressed young and fashionable with cool hair styles I love when I see people with like purple or red hair and stuff. I hate it when people look down on this sort of thing because of age :mad: :mad:

Guaged ears might look cool for the moment. . .but let's fast forward to about sixty, seventy years from now, when those in vogue cool alternative types are OLD and in the nursing home. . .they're going to look awfully funny with dangly earlobes!!!

I could not agree more Molls. I wonder what the cost of plastic surgury is going to be to repair those lobes? I've been told it's about 5 k when a regular hole is split for whatever reason. That really hits the pocketbook bad!


Ali

Well.... for Christmas my gf bought me 3 hats and a couple of long-sleeved tops, all of which I LOVE. And, yes, she did go overboard and buy me too much! She likes the way I dress, I like the way she dresses, to the extent where she's able to buy me things she thinks I'll like. In fact, as well as the christmas gifts, shes bought me a realy nice t-shirt and a zip-up jacket-top as graduation gifts and another long-sleeved top last christmas. We've also been shopping with each other a few times and helped pick out things for each other.

I don't think either of us really bother about how other people perceive the way we dress... except my gf occasionally mentions how her mum thinks she dresses too young.

I also think that the way in someone dresses can tell you a lot about what that person is like... to an extent. So, in a way, if you're trying to change the way your bf/gf dresses, it's kinda like taking away a bit of their character... maybe?

And I think here the guys who wear those earrings are stereotyped as gay! That's not to say it's true, it's just what people on the street might think. Who knows?

I've honestly never heard this stereotype before. Maybe it depends on where one lives..?

This type of adornment is not uncommon around here or where I used to live. It often goes hand-in-hand (lol...no pun intended!) with lots of tattoos - not really a stereotypically gay look in itself. I also see biker types with the ear stretching thing going on - some could be gay though...don't want to stereotype there either!

Are there any other OW here who have wanted to shrink the gap-appearance quotient or felt more uncomfortable in public when your ym looks particularly "young" on any given day? It's that fear of public scrutiny that is just so hard to shake, especially when you live in a small, rural, conservative town, I think. I think the fear of that question we have all dreaded (or actually heard), "So, would you and your MOTHER like to sit at this table?", is a catalyst to our discomfort at times. Any insights or stories to share?

First, I just want to say that, luckily, I don't live in a particularly conservative area, and never have. Second, I'm 40 so I have yet to be mistaken for a date's mom (at least to my face!).

Next: The style of dress that you describe would be a deterrent to me being attracted to someone. It's not shallow. I would similarly be turned off by a guy who wears yellow slacks and a bright orange and purple plaid shirt...or someone who sports a 12-inch mohawk...or... What we're attracted to is what we're attracted to, eh? 'Style' is part of the whole package. It doesn't mean that I've evaluated this person as a human being. Now, moving on...

I'm far from a fashionista but I try to wear somewhat up-to-date looks. And a motto that I've shared with some girlfriends for years has been "Frumpy is NOT an option". I have my moments but I try to catch myself and snap out of it. My ex YM usually dressed pretty nicely, including usually wearing long sleeve dress shirts.

Guys that I've dated in the last few months typically DO wear button downs, polo shirts, etc., but do not usually show up at my door in a skateboarder/snowboarder type t-shirt and baseball hat. During one impromtu date that just sort of happened (we went from the beach to dinner to shooting pool without it being planned), the guy put his t-shirt on over his tank top and it had a huge picture of one hand flipping the bird and the other pointing at the viewer. I didn't say a word but he apologized before the shirt was even pulled down over his pants and he never wore it around me again, or anything like it.

I would die if a guy I was dating showed up in pants that were belted around his butt and had a crotch down to his knees. Not because I'd be worried about what others would think but I just can't tolerate this look. :eek:

You know, K, overall (not just the plumber's butt pants *laugh) it's not that one's style of dress would emphasize or not emphasize any age difference, it's more whether or not I'm attracted to someone, and their 'wrapping' is often part of this, to a certain extent.

I would typically tell you what a lot of others here would say: Get over it, girl. If you got past his style of dress to the point of still dating for 18 months, accept it as it is!

But I also hear you about the fact that you live in a small conservative community. Talk...gossip maybe?...can probably be bothersome in a place like that. I would imagine that you might get tired of the looks or the comments/questions.

Still, I truly believe that if we are in any way embarrassed by the person that we're with - for any reason, we need to either re-evaluate the true potential for the relationship, or work at letting go of unnecessary rules or standards. If we're going to get into 'adult' relationships with younger men, we STILL need to accept them as they are for right now.

I love to see older women dressing young ie in young fashionable cloths. What really, really bugs me is when women judge other women about the style they dress in espesially when they say they should dress their age it (annoys) me no end, man I hate that with a passion, I love to see grand parent dressed young and fashionable with cool hair styles I love when I see people with like purple or red hair and stuff. I hate it when people look down on this sort of thing because of age :mad: :mad:
i totally agree! :)

when I was dating that guy last summer I told y'all about, 17 years younger...we would go out and he did look younger but it was so cute. He wore a lot of surf/skate style clothes as he is on a skate team...but I loved that! LADave is right about LA, it's not a big thing and ow/ym pairings are becoming quite the norm. I guess it would be harder in a small town but...just be proud of each other! I never wanted him to dress "older"...I loved him just as he was! I just wear what is cute and pretty...why should an older woman not dress in cute clothes?

LADave said: "LOL Karen! What a story! Tell you one thing--you're dating one way cool, secure guy!"
that's what I love about younger men who love older women; their confidence!

I am married to someone 18 years younger. We look pretty close to the same age and nobody ever notices. He looks about 28 or 30 years old. They think I am younger (Im 41, he's 23). However, when I was with an older man (18 years older), it was more difficult because he looked much older and I looked younger, and people made comments all the time. In fact, friends often told me they thought he was too old for me.

Sometimes I think a younger man and older woman seem to work pretty good for most----since we women are so hot these days and take such good care of ourselves!!