Need To Vent!!!

My son has been home since Saturday and will leave to return to where he lives (90 miles away) sometime tomorrow after I have gone to work. So, today is the last day that we will be spending together this holiday. He hasn't been home much this year. He was home at Thanksgiving for something like 36 hours. Other than that, the only other times he got to come home were for two funerals. :(

Yesterday (Christmas Day), we hardly got to spend time together because as soon as he unwrapped gifts, he had to leave to go to his father's house. He came back about 5 pm, at dinner, but by then, I was ready to crash after playing Santa until nearly 3 am the night before, and cooking and cleaning up yesterday. So, I took a nap. Then got up and found that he was taking a nap.

By the time he woke up, it was about 9 pm. We did get to watch a DVD together as a family last night. That's about all that all three of us (including my daughter) did together at one time after the unwrapping of the gifts.

Now... I wake up this morning and I see that he is asleep in the chair in the living room. I see someone with blonde hair asleep on the sofa wearing a grey hoodie. I assume it's my daughter because she has blonde hair and wears a grey hoodie. But, when I open her bedroom door to see if the dog wants to be let out, I find my daughter lying asleep on her bed.

Sooooooo, I am assuming this girl on my sofa is my son's gf who apparently drove down from Indianapolis some time after I went to bed at about 1:00 a.m.

I really wanted to meet her, but not today. I wanted today to be a day devoted to spending time with just my children. :(

Now I don't even know what to say or how to react when they all wake up, because I am so disappointed. I guess I have to smile and be welcoming because I don't want to make a bad first impression. But, gee whiz... this was OUR time together. That's all I really wanted for Christmas.

Thanks for letting me vent. *sigh*

i do not look forward to when my boys start being men.....for this very reason.

now granted, when they're away from me, they're all i can think about and when they're here, i just seem to constantly wish they were sleeping or something else quiet....but i can't imagine how it'll be when i don't have FULL say over where they go and ....who they let sleep on the couch?

ahhh i don't envy you lady, but put on your HAPPY FAAAACCCCE (this is my happy faaaaacccce : to quote the movie ~man of the house~ with tommy lee jones... i think it is lol)

Oh WR, vent away! At least its a girl and not your son's former guitarist from a high school band! ARRRRRRRGGGHHHHH! My heart is with you and all I can suggest is to not let how you would like things to be, your magical visions collide with reality. Dreams will always take a beating and reality sometimes bites hard!! Accept what you have, i.e. an opportunity to meet this girl and to be yourself. If you make a bad impression, well then so be it. At least you have been kind and honest about who you are. I am sure your warmth and sincerity won't be lost on her. :)

Everything went fairly well on Monday after I got over the shock of finding a stranger sleeping on my sofa.

However, tonight, my son IM'd me to tell me the real reason she was at my house that morning. She drove down from Indianapolis to tell my son that she is pregnant. :(

AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is 21. She is 19. He has only about 20 more credit hours left to earn his bachelor's degree. He is in the process of transferring schools. He just signed a lease with 3 other guys to rent a house. OMG, OMG, OMG. I just can't believe it.

He and his gf are obviously very torn about this. Excited one moment. Freaked out the next. Considering the only two options that they will consider: having it and keeping it or adopting it out. I don't think I can bear that option, but what if he never finishes college and gets himself established in his career??!!

You all, people always told me that it never gets easier when the kids are grown. Now I'm living it and realizing HOW TRUE THAT IS.

(((((hugs kat)))))

Thanks Trace. This was pretty much the shock of my life handed to me tonight. :(

Well, hon... if its any consolation, I was in my LAST semester of college (20 credit hours!) when I got pregnant with my son.

I finished out the semester, growing belly and all. Didn't get my minors, but I got my degree. In ONE year, I got pregnant, graduated, got my first post-college job, my first new car, got married, bought a house and HAD the baby (in that order).

Talk about CHAOS... it was one of the best years of my life. ROFLAO.

I'm hoping your son and his girlfriend RISE to the occasion and keep and raise that child together. Tell them to take their time and NOT worry about the whole marriage thing if they, for some stupid reason, feel the need to consider it. That doesn't need to be addressed DURING the pregnancy.. ;)

Wishing you all the best and strength and courage through the decision making process. This little baby will change their lives, but not necessarily in a direction that is bad... I know my son derailed my life, but put me on a track I am DANG glad I am on!!! They don't call 'em little blessings for nuthin, eh? LOL
~phos

Thanks Fos. I really appreciate your words of encouragement. My emotions have sure been on a roller coaster ride.

I just don't think my son has demonstrated enough responsibility yet to be responsible for a child, but I DO know that when push comes to shove, he will be able to rise to the occasion.

I really don't know anything about his gf at all. I only met her on Monday and we barely had anything to say to each other. She seems nice, but what I want to know is whether she is responsible. I guess time will tell.

I agree about the marriage thing. I intend to talk to my son again this weekend and to caution him not to rush into marriage. 20 yrs ago I would have felt differently, but not now. I really see no need to rush into that during the pregnancy.

Would you consider taking the baby and raising it as your own? If, they feel that adoption is their answer?

love,
sora

Yes, Sora, and I have already thrown that out there as an option for all to consider if necessary. My son's first response was that he thought that might be difficult for him and his gf. And I surely understand that. But, definitely something I'd consider. Of course, I haven't spoken to Remi about that idea either. He may feel differently now, but at one time we did discuss the possibility of adopting one day anyway.

I hope I wasn't being to personal.........

It's just that I have an 19 year old, and I know that its always a possiblity that an "opps" can happen.......

And, I know, in my heart of hearts, though it would be the decision of the two, it'd kill me to know, that a piece of me and my son, were out there being raised by others whom I would never see or touch.........I can't even fathom that idea........

but, like I said, it is their decision.......I only hope they choose wisely.......

it may be hard on them if you were to raise the child, but in the long run, I think it'd be wonderful, knowing that their child is within arms reach to be able to hug, to love, to kiss........to give themselves to......perhaps not in a parental sense, but in a loving sense........

there are many stories where the mother has adopted their children's babies and raised them as their own..........some people choose to tell the child the truth, others choose to keep it from them, I'm sure that would be a decision of the family as a whole.......

Excuse me for speaking out of place, I guess I speak my own feelings if it were to happen to me.........

i can not begin to feel what you are feeling.......this must be such a difficult time for you.......

I pray to God to camp his angels around you and yours in their loving embrace while you make a decision that will change the course of all lives involved......it is a difficult time, but God will show you the way.........

love,
sora

Aww Sora, don't worry. You're not being too personal or speaking out of place. I value your opinion. Thank you. :)

You know what? It just occurred to me that thinking of myself as a grandmother is now accentuating even further the 18 year age gap between Remi and me. I really wasn't prepared to feel the way that I do. But, I seriously do think that the thought of being a grandmother just really makes me feel like my age gap with him stands out even more now. :(

I think its normal to feel that way.........it's like affirming that there is in fact an age gap.......

it's not that we're in denial about our age gap, but sometimes, I think we tell ourselves, "it's not that much"......but now that you have the title "grandma" you just feeling it more.........

but, in reality, you haven't changed any, other then the title......you woke up the same person as you went to sleep as, you looke the same, you feel the same, you love the same......nothing has changed.......

only the fact that your family now has extended a branch on the family tree.......

don't let this grandma thing play with your mind.......you are still just as beautiful as the day Remi fell for you......and its still the same number of years in your gap.....

I know a girlfriend at work, who has 12 year age gap.......and they've been married 18 years........She was divorced 3 times with 4 children when she met her man......she's 61 now, and she's a grandmother many times over, and her guy, he's never been married before her, so he has no children........and, everyone of her grandchildren are his........he loves them all like his own.........See....they are a successful age gap marriage....I've learned so much from her!

take deep breathes........it will all be alright........you are still the same beautiful caring courageous woman as before you became "grandmother"........

love,
sora

What wonderful words of wisdom. Thanks Sora. :)

((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))

Oh man...Whiterose. Just read this whole thread. That is quite a shock. I guess my brother went through this kind of thing with his girl. She said she was on the pill and she wasn't, and so they got a little pill named Zoey to deal with:)

Maybe its not such a bad thing, if you think about it though. Unwanted pregnancies can drive a family apart, or it can bring them really close together. Maybe if your son and his girl stay together, you'll get to see more of them and the baby. I mean 90 miles isn't that far away, and nothing says "let's go to grandmas house!" like two parents busy finishing degrees and finding a home!

So maybe, it'll end up where you get much closer and more loving! The thought of change does come shock to the system, but it may end up being the happiest time of your life! Does your husband have kids of his own? It'll probably bring a smile to your face to watch him with the little one.

So....I guess, I say, don't worry! Be happy! Its a new life coming into the world under the same circumstances that millions upon millions of new lives have come into the world! Make the best of it!

I wish you all the luck and hapiness in the world. Oh and by the way...CONGRATULATIONS!!! ((((SMOOCHES))))

Thanks for your words of support Viva. Trust me, I will be excited once I know they are not going to give it up for adoption. I hope they don't take too long to make that decision.

I'm not married yet, but hopefully will be in the next year, but my fiance does not have any children. He is fine with not having any children, but we did agree that if he decides he wants children, we'll consider adoption. That's why I told my son that if they do decide to put the baby up for adoption, I hope they'll talk to me first about the possibility of me adopting it, I can't believe I am saying this. I am too old and too tired to really be raising another child. But, I'd definitely consider it just to keep the baby in the family.

This very thing has happened to a number of the women in my office. In some situations the kids married, in others they chose to remain single. I think the thing that all my coworkers had in common, was the desire to be the World's Greatest Grandmother, regardless of how the couple chose to remedy their predicament. I think this is probably the single most important thing you can say to this couple. Let them know no matter what, you will be there for them and that child.

In one case the father, who was in his last year of college, ended up getting the main chunk of custody. His ex-girl friend sort of co-oparents, but is sort of in and out of the picture. (She was, BTW, a lot younger than he, and they both finished their degrees in elementary education.) In other cases the young women basically took over all aspects of parenting and cut the father out of their life. Amazingly, all these grandkids are well cared for, well adjusted and their Grandma's are having the time of their lives with these little ones. I think what happens from here out should be based on how this couple feels about one another and I agree, they shouldn't get too caught up in the get married mode if that is not what they would have done before pregnancy. If you love your son and love this grandchild in the making, I just don't see this turning out badly, no matter how unplanned and scary this all is.

<<< checks to see if this is "Relationship Support" or not, sees it is not, and then says....

You never believe you'd be happy to hear that your kid is gay until this happens. :D

Well, there is a Christmas present for you Whiterose! How long have your son and girlfriend been going together? Does she go to his school?

While it is a shock to you, they really are not all that young. Hopefully they will make the choice that is right for them and the baby.

You are so right about still worrying about them even when they are grown. I have to say though, a baby would not ruin a degree or career. In fact it is even more reason to be responsible.

I wish your family the best. I am sure everything will be fine after the shock has worn off. :)

They've only been together as a couple for 3 months, which really concerns me quite a bit. In fact, I think he only met her over the summer. The good news is that so far, she does seem like a lovely and level-headed person.

They don't currently attend the same school. She met my son through a friend. She is in college at an IU campus. And her mother is an english professor at that same location.

My son had already been planning on transferring to that campus anyway because he isn't doing well at all at his current school and he wants to see if a change would help.

You know what's funny is that I have said for a couple of years now that I no longer miss having a baby of my own and that I was looking forward to the day when I would have grandbabies. But, in this situation, not knowing yet whether they are going to keep it or adopt it out, I don't know yet how to feel about it. Once they make up their mind, and I really do think that they will end up leaning more towards keeping it, I can then begin working on starting to get excited.

Everything will feel strange. My daughter will be an aunt at the age of 12 or 13, depending on when it's born. And, Remi will be a step-grandfather at the age of 29. :) LOL

I'm sure we will all adapt though. Life does go on, doesn't it?

Thanks for your words of support, Barb.

just "found" this thread...

life does have a way of throwing curves eh??

remember...exactly where we need to be...




breath

Wow Kat that is a lot to take in.....

I can't imagine how this may feel yet considering my son is only 18 months... I can't even see myself ever letting him go LOL.

Kat I'm sure he'll finish college.... I mean it's going to be tough for both of them.. He's going to have to maybe talk to his friends about getting out of the lease.. If they were friends they probably would understand.. and mayb he can help someone else take his place in the lease.... As far as college... He'll finish... He may have to slow down a little but he'll finish!!

I hoe the best for you.. and Congrats Kat!! Thru this a beautiful little child will be born and I know you'll love him or her with all your heart!! SO good will come out of this!

Well, at this point, Mer, they aren't sure if they are going to keep it or give it up for adoption. So, until that's decided, I am really not going to get excited. I'm too afraid of getting my heart broken if they do come and tell me they are giving it up. :(

Kat.

Well I guess they will make a decision that best suits them... I just hope they REALLY think about it.....I will definatly pray for them both to make the right decision...