Kids and Grandkids are coming! YEAH!!

So my fiances son, one daughter and two grandkids are actually coming to stay with us for a couple days!! Yeah! I love the grandkids, they are cute.

The girl is kinda trouble though. She's used to getting a ton of attention, so she really demands it from certain people...since she's not my kid, and its only for a couple days, I just put up with her demands because that's what her parents to anyway...no monkey off my back...

They went home to their childhood home...with the grandkids this year, stomping and brooding the whole way about how their dad wasn't coming. Now they've broken down and decided to come stay with us for the rest of their trip.

Kids...I wonder what happened? Whos got kids? What makes them change their mind? Do you think they just sat around up there all alone going...hmmm...this is crappy...Why did we think it was going to be a good time to go spend Christmas is a house that no one even lives in anymore? I wanna join the fun! I'm going to see dad and his girl in Brooklyn!

I guess we never really change that much from the days of time-out chairs and groundings :)

Well, hon.. some families never break out of the parent/child rolls they had as little kids and others do. I know that while my parents are definitely my PARENTS, they are also my friends, co-workers and peers. It's a whole different ballgame once you actually accept and honor the roll of being the adult in your own life. For some people, that is very hard to do when you relate to your parents... especially people who don't really KNOW their parents on an adult-adult level and all their true interactions have been in the parent/child sense.

For example, I don't believe your OMs daughters, particularly, have ever broken out of that mold ~ because it seems they call pretty much only when they need "daddy" to do something for them or help them in some way ~ being the "daddy" savior roll. Do they ever just call him to chit-chat about their lives and ask advice? I'm thinking, not likely. I never thought I'd see past that roll exchange, either, even when I got out of college ~ but working for my Dad has me seeing him through the eyes of his PEERS and not the eyes of the daughter. I would rather sit down and shoot the sh*t with my Dad than ask him to help me out with some financial woe... but many, many people never reach that level of interaction with the parental units.

Anyway, I hope you ALL enjoy their visit and it goes smoother than the last couple years...
~phos

Naw...none of them really just sit down and talk. I can do that with my parents and grandparents, because we've always had a relationship since being kids, where we could shoot the $hit about anything...not just the important and defined roles as parents, grandparents and roll models.

My man's daughters can do that...when they want to. They're just kinda spoiled, I mean, I don't think its entirely their fault. He don't get mad, but when his oldest daughter calls him to "take him out to dinner" I joke, like "Ok, I gotta 10 spot on 'Wants the car for the weekend!' but I don't really want to bet against, 'I'm a little short on rent this month.'"

I mean a lot of this stomping and brooding and rhetoric over the holidays is the notion that world always revolved around us, now it revovles around the grandkids, and they must have just been shocked and appaled that someone said no. But in lieu of standing their ground and being miserable, they're actually going to come spend time in my home/their dad's NEW home. So I think it just may be possible that they are growing up a bit. I think their mother had more to do with raising them then their dad, just cuz he was pretty much oblivious for a while after the war...but they were totally the type of parents...like...how to I explain it? If their kid didn't get put in during a basketball game, they'd go to the school the next day and complain to the athletic director. If one of them came home with a B+ instead of an A, they'd go talk to the teacher and ask for evidence of a B+. Had all their college paid for, and even worse had their parents hovering over them every step of the way when looking at colleges...tours, interviews, SATs the whole nine yards. (Whereas I picked two that I thought I could get into out of a book, drove myself to the interview, took the SATs without any 4 Kaplan training classes and then got a second and third job to pay for it.) Ya know...that kind of thing. That makes it uber hard in some ways for us to understand eachother as adults because we do things...SO SO differently. They are now...the "my kids are only allowed to watch PBS" parents and must take a nap at exactly this time because all the good "pshyco-sociologists" say so.

If I ever get like that...someone please shoot me! LOL

On a seperate note....I don't eavesdrop on their converstations...but a recent one was loud enough to understand that they were mad he wasn't coming up and it got into the past and some painful stuff...and while I'm not sure, he may have revealed a certain piece of information. I actually match my christmas gift money every year with a donation to the cancer society in memoriam of his first wife/their mother from me in their name...as some kinda token of appreciation for all the years of their lives that happened before me, that made my guy the lovable man he is. Like...not only am I NOT trying to erase your past, I actually don't mind on the right occasion honoring it and celebrating it..I dunno. Its a gesture of understanding that I can't explain and therefore no one really gets it but me and him. Wasn't really a big deal. I always had the card sent to him, and not them, because I was afraid they'd see it as something designed to make them feel bad or guilty. I think he told them (even tho I never wanted him to) and it affected them positively...in a spirit of Christmas sorta way...because in the past few days they've actually started to ask to say hi to me on the phone and stuff.

Who knows whats going on...I ain't gonna ask. I'm gonna show the 4 year old my big ol' cool fishtank like the greatest thing since slice bread. That'll make me feel good :)

I think its great that your OM finally told the kids about what you're doing in memory of their mother. To be honest, I agree with your approach (having NOT told them) and THEY probably realized really quickly when he told them about it that a) not only were you doing something to honor them, but you were doing it without ever even WANTING credit for it. A truly selfless act...

... and they would each have to be horrible people to not realize that. So, I see some progress ahead. I do. ;)

((((HUGS)))) to you, Viva. You're an incredibly patient and tolerant woman and you must love your OM VERY dearly to have made it this far given all the obstacles and lack of gratitude or even acceptance you've been dealt.

*raises glass* Here's to hoping the New Year brings new wonders to your entire "family" dynamic. ;)
~phos

Oh yeah, in fact the first year I did it, I didn't even tell or have a card sent to my man. Just scared I guess...that someone would misinterpret my intentions.

Hmmm...well. I gotta say here. They showed up and hung out for a bit. It was fun. I made the kids dinner, we fed the fish, put together a United Stated puzzle fifty times.

So then his oldest daughter's boyfriend comes over. They don't live together but he lives like 2 blocks away from us. We exchange gifts and he congratulates my man's son on having another baby (which was announced like..2 days ago). We get to talking a little bit, and while none of his kids have ever said "Congrats" to me or him about our wedding...fine, whatever, its all good. I show his daughter's boyfriend the 1.3 carats sitting on my left hand, and he's all like...Oh wow, congrats, I didn't know. L never told me you were getting married. These two have been together like 3 years, almost as long as me and Bill, and she never told him we were getting married? It like totally...took me by surprise at best and hurt me some at least.

So then, her boyfriend is like, "Are you guys ready to go?" and packs them up. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, they are going to stay at her boyfriends house. I was like..."aren't you guys staying here?" His son's like, "no, they'll be more comfortable at G's house." I have no idea why I'm so hurt by that. Well actually I do. I really just wanted everyone to come to my home...our home, and enjoy some time there. Just so I felt a little more normal, like less of an outsider. I had finally built it up in my head like that was going to happen. But I guess its not. I dunno. I'm just sad...and I really just feel like crying.

Yeah, I hear ya...I appreciate your levelheadedness tonight...I really do. Thanks girl!

I'm sorry about the card thing. I know how much that hurts. They really are old enough to know better. How do you handle that? Did you get a seperate card? Juxtaposed against a nice story about your step son. Baby steps...every day.

I think it has a lot to do with the grandkids. I love spending time with the grandkids. Holding their little hands, taking them to the grocery store, asking them to help with the shopping chores. I mean, its just so wonderful. I accidentally let it slip this summer to his youngest daughter through a conversation, when we were home alone together that we've been screwing like rabbits for 4 plus years but I've never been able to have a baby...I know that got out, they know I want a baby, they know my fiance loves babies, and it kinda gets rubbed in my face just a tad...

I didn't mean to say it, I just thought deep down somehwere maybe, they'd understand, so it just came out of my mouth.

I said today, "oh, these two are so cute, I can't wait to have a baby" I don't mean to say things like that, they just come out. So I get comments like, "oh, maybe you better stick to fish, you have a hard enough time with them" or "you can't throw them in a kennel like dog when you are on vacation." Hurts to nth degree.

The grandkids (these ones in particular because the both bear names of their deceased grandmother) are revered as objects in this family...like little gods, which is why the holidays really revolve around them like the moon to the earth.

They don't know I had a miscarriage almost a year and half ago albiet very early into a pregnancy. I wouldn't have known I guess, except for an unrelated blood test when I was in the hospital after having a seizure. Took me 8 months to tell my fiance.

I mean....why can't they stay with us? Why do they have to stay with someone they've never even met? Why did they have to fly into Albany anyway and spend Christmas in a house that no one even lives in anymore? Why couldn't they come to our house? And they come to visit and the same amount of people are going to stay in an apartment half the size of ours with someone they met for the first time tonight? God, what's wrong with me?

Wow...I know I'm usually a smart *** who has something to say to everyone. But tonight, I'm just so low. I'm sorry guys...I really don't want to bring anyone down. I just...ugh...I don't even know anymore. :(

As I read your posts, many tears fell.........I feel your hurt through your words......

You have a beautiful spirit......it is shown through the honoring of his deceased wife, the mother of his children........I don't know many women who do such a kind and beautiful gesture to memoralize someone's past as you have........

I know you are a patient woman, with a heart of love.........just be patient a little longer and allow them to see you for who you really are........

It is difficult, for children of any age to see their parent with another partner, its very hard sometimes to accept. We as children tell ourselves, "he/she is happy, they won't be alone"......but, we're selfish as children.....we have seen our parents in a happy and loving relationship, and when one parent passes.....its hard for us to allow our living parent to go on into a new relationship........

I don't think they mean to be as ill mannered as they are........it's alot for them to consume sometimes........you being younger then him, and now being engaged to marry him...you speaking of having children....the two of you are solidfying the relationship to them, and its hard for them to accept........it takes time.........

I am sorry for the pain that they are causing you.......I know that it hurts more than anything, because all you want to be is a "normal" couple, with loving family around.........They are wrong for making you feel like an outsider........but, I know that your strength and love for your man will outshine all their selfishness and will allow them to see the error of their ways.

love,
sora

since she's not my kid, and its only for a couple days, I just put up with her demands because that's what her parents to anyway...no monkey off my back... Viva... in reading your posts I felt very confused. It is like someone who says "Come closer, no get back!" I know what you are going through is hard. I have been there, believe me. But do you think it is possible that your conflicting feelings might be picked up by his family?

If it were me, I would let go of expectations and judgment for awhile. Just accept things as they are and enjoy the heck out of your boyfriend! It is hard to do, but not impossible. I wish you the best! Take care.
Hugs,
Barbara

Ha ha...naw, I love the kid. She is pretty cute. But she's 4 and she's a little TOO much for my tastes. Like she called her aunt fat, and everyone's laughs like its a "kids say the darndest things" type of moment. If she were my kid, she'd go to her room for 10 minutes and I'd go up and talk to her about how we don't say things to people, especially adults, like that. Plus the second anyone in the room starts talking to anyone else, she'll interrupt screaming to look at her and listen to her. Going to a restauraunt with them is uber embarassing, because she runs around to other people's tables and talks to them. Most people are ok with it, but her parents won't even go early at like 4. They'll go at 7 during the dinner rush, which isn't fair to people. Especially if they paid a baby sitter so they can have a nice dinner out. I can see our table getting looks and I get really tempted to correct her, but there's a rule about disciplining other people's kids...which is don't do it, unless they are fighting and there's blood or may be blood.

Plus she does things like dumps a whole jar of fish food into the fish tank, which can kill them. 3 times she asked me to feed the fish, and I let her by putting small amounts of food into her hand. I explained to her that a fish's tummy is only as big as its eye, and that it would be like forcing her to eat the entire box of mac and cheese, she'll get sick. So after they ate all they could she asks me at least 3 more times to feed the fish. So I say, no, they aren't hungry. So then she tells me every ten minutes that the fish are hungry now. When that doesn't work she goes back to asking me if she can feed the fish. I confronted her, just a bit, with an even tone and asked her if she was repeating her question over and over again until she got the answer she liked. This made her mad and instead of telling me she was mad, or she just really liked the fish and coudn't help herself....she grabs the fish food jar, how she got up there I don't know, because its on a shelf that she can't reach, climbed on the back of the couch opened the tank and put the whole jar in. Then she'll antagonize the dog, to the point where the dog has to be locked in a room. The dog isn't the greatest with kids anyway. She'll jump in an adults lap and lick their faces, but she mostly stays out of a 4 year olds way because she's scared. Like chase her, pull her ears, step on her tail no matter how many times you ask her not to. She has a cat at home, but cats can fend for themselves, i.e. hide better than dogs can.

I've seen what these things escalate into. By the time she is 10 or 12, and she goes anywhere, she'll be running around asking people that aren't her parents for money. I have other friends that age that have kids that do that, and they aren't corrected. Its so annoying, when you want to do something nice for someone, and take their kids around the track so they can walk around alone for an hour or so, and every 10 seconds its, buy me a lemonade, can I have 5 dollars for this at the gift shop...the oldest one asks for 5 dollar win tickets on a horse she likes, and then tells you why the horse is gonna win. That's kinda funny actually...

Her brother is TOTALLY different. Like night and day. He's 2 and plays by himself for long periods of time, or sit by himself just watch the big fish tank for like 20 minutes at a time. Totally more my type of kid. So much easier to interact with, because you don't feel guilty about reinforcing obviously bad behavior.He acts a little wierd sometimes. Like his parents tell him, I don't want you to turn the TV right now, he'll crawl up, grab the remote and turn the TV on. Then they'll tell him that was wrong and do the time out thing...and he just sits there with a huge smile on his face enjoying the negative attention. In all my years volunteering at after school programs or day cares for poor parents, etc etc, I've never seen a kid that young enjoy being yelled at by his own parents like he does. What the heck is that about?

I dunno, like I said, its no monkey off my back. And while I don't think you can change a kid's personality, you can prevent them from saying rude things to adults at least. I don't think they are particlularly bad parents or anything. The kids always got nice clothes and will go to the best schools. Which doesn't mean everything, but it does certainly help. It may damage a kids sense of fairness though. They don't have to do anything, like behave well, or "help" mommy to earn rewards like a new toy or princess shoes. Like I said though, I'll do it for 72 hours at a time. I'd even do it longer if it had to happen that way. I want them close, but I don't think my fiance's kids want the grandkids to understand, or be too close to our relationship. I get the feeling that when they are old enough to know what's going on, their parents think it will be "damaging" to them somehow to talk about the fact their Pop Pop lives with someone so much younger than him the same way Mommy and Daddy live together. She still asks me if Pop Pop is my daddy too. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. I love being around them. I can't say I like moving my fish from tank to tank to avoid amonia poisoning, and spending 3 hours breaking a tank down to get the fish food out.

But they don't even want to stay with us anyway. So what am I supposed to do?

Oh ok...EDIT. They' ve left two days early. Apparently they don't like sleeping at Gs apartment, and ours is a railroad, and the me and Pop Pop sleeping in the same bed freaks everyone out. That's what my fiance understood. They didn't even wait for me to get back from the store to say goodbye. Fiance is particularly mad at his daughter. I wonder what happened.

Except for the fact that we correct the behavior, this sounds very much like a typical 4 year old. My little Amber (age 4) would have a ball with her. :p
Happy New Year! :)