Please Help---need The Spark Back!!!

Hello everyone! My name is Nerissa and I'm 27 years old. My husband (32) and I have been married for 3 years, together for 6 years. We have 3 children together. I am so proud to say that he is my definite soul mate in life. Lately, however, I feel like something is missing. I can't pinpoint it exactly, but I feel kind of taken for granted. It's been a year since we've gone out as a couple, we always do things as a family, but not alone together. I've expressed this to my husband, but to no avail. He's happy being a complete homebody. I'm not asking for a weekend trip or anything like that---I want a nice dinner and a movie, or a walk in the park holding hands and talking. I love my husband SO MUCH, but I feel like he's not listening to me or caring about my feelings, and I can feel myself slowly losing my faith in us. We're excellent parents, but not excellent spouses. Our "spark" is definitly dwindling, if not almost completely gone. Any advice on how to get that back? Or on how to kick him in the *** and get him to take me out again? I'm tired of crying and feeling so empty---I've turned into a housewife with no life!!! Please help!

Arrange a baby sitter, have your reservations, pack the overnight bag (with a sexy negligee of course!), and when your husband walks through the door, give him time to hug the rugrats, wind down and then when the baby sitter arrives (or before, you know him better on how he'll react to surprises!).....just go!
of course, you would like, no doubt, for him to make all the arrangements...but .... that's in a perfect world. in this real world, I say, you do it!
Bonne chance!

Another idea is to arange to have the kids with the babysitter or a family member before he gets home. Call him, tell him to be ready for very pleasant surprise. Then when he comes home, give him one :D .

I can feel for you; when my kids came along, it was very hard for me to get out of "Daddy" mode, especially since my ex really didn't participate much in raising our children. But to maintain the relationship, you absolutely must have couple time.

DanE

You can't continue to be good parents if you don't nurture your marriage.

Men are content and relaxed in a good marriage. They become "Al Bundies"...couch potatoes with their hands down their pants. Why? Because all of their needs are being met. They're like animals at the zoo. Someone is feeding them, cleaning up their crap, and providing a pleasant environment for them to live in. Why should they get off the couch?

If you haven't done this already, have a heart-to-heart with him. Try to talk in "I feel" sentences, not "You never do this, you never do that" because you don't want him to go into defense mode. He probably won't be thrilled at first that you're trying to shake up his cushy, relaxed world, but if you communicate in a way he can understand, he'll come around. He loves you and wants you to be happy, and when mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!

If it were me, I would say this: "Honey, I'm glad the kids are asleep, because I really need to talk to you about something that's bothering me. I feel like the spark, the sexual energy between us is down to a flicking flame about to go out. I really need for us to do some stuff together, without the kids. I feel like we really need to reconnect. Can we please start dating again? I realize you're tired from work, and you like being with the kids, but we are married, sexual people, and we can't lose that part of us, the part we had before the kids! What would you like to do?"

If he says, "Well, I kinda like hanging out on the couch watching t.v., I really don't want to go anywhere." Then say, "Okay. Can we compromise? Can I pick the date one week, and you pick it another week, even if it's hanging out on the couch watching movies together?" He'd probably be open to that.

Step 2: Plan the first date. Don't overwhelm the potato. Take him to a place with good food (and alcohol...this is ADULT TIME) but nothing he has to dress up for. You can work him up to that eventually. Make it someplace relaxing with good service, not a T.G.I.Friday's, nothing too loud or overstimulating. Don't make him stay out too long...it's his first time in awhile. A good dinner, a few drinks, he might be ready for the couch again. If the kids are spending the night elsewhere (and I suggest that they do) go home and cuddle on the couch with him.

Step 3: Always reward with good sex. Good effort deserves a reward. Men like to be rewarded with sex. Not only is this effective, but he'll want to do more to please you when he notices that he's getting good, uninterrupted sex. Don't just lay there waiting for him to "get it over with" (LOL) but really get into it. Give him a rubdown in your sexiest nightie. You know what part to touch last, right? ;)

Another nice touch is to tell him something positive every day. I like to tell my man that he's gorgeous, or he was brilliant figuring out how to fix something, or I really liked his take on a certain topic. Men are really very easy to please. A little positive reinforcement goes a long way! :)

I agree witht he above!!

You guys need some YOU time... It's hard after kids and this happens a lot.... our lives are so hectic that we sometimes neglect the couple.....

My hubby and I have been married 2 years and we have a 19 month old son and we go thru this alot... We love each other very much.... but we don't see eye to eye alot and sometimes the arguements build but we step back and figure things out.....

I suggest the babysitter thing and go out and talk and have fun!!

I was at a marriage workshop at our church yesterday, and this was one of the points we brought up. Stephy is visiting her family in Kansas this week (I had to work so I couldn't go), and when she and Little John return we will go over this too. Having a child is fun, but it can be very draining at times. We need "alone time" as much as any other couple to keep the spark burning. Just don't let it burn too much - there might be an unexpected addition to the family! :o

Step 3: Always reward with good sex. Good effort deserves a reward. Men like to be rewarded with sex. Not only is this effective, but he'll want to do more to please you when he notices that he's getting good, uninterrupted sex. Don't just lay there waiting for him to "get it over with" (LOL) but really get into it. Give him a rubdown in your sexiest nightie. You know what part to touch last, right? ;)

Another nice touch is to tell him something positive every day. I like to tell my man that he's gorgeous, or he was brilliant figuring out how to fix something, or I really liked his take on a certain topic. Men are really very easy to please. A little positive reinforcement goes a long way! :)

Wow! You figured us out, Polly! Except for that Al Bundy part (I hate being on the couch, my lady's company not withstanding)

Yes, we are very easy to please. All I really want is a lady to love and to dote on. Not much to ask for. That part about "lay there waiting for him to get it over with" sums up my ex. Too bad she was the Al Bundy in our marriage (Alicia Bundy?)

Very insightful post, Polly. But then, your posts always are :D .

DanE

Thank you all so much for you imput and support. You guys are great, and I'm so glad I've found this board. I can't wait to start trying out your advice, and there's no better day to start than Valentine's Day! I have some things up my sleeve thanks to all of you!

Polly...I really get what you're saying, and you sound dead on about my hubby being the Al Bundy type! When you put it that way, it helps me to appreciate that my husband is actually happy at home, and not out bar and strip club hopping.

After reading all of your posts, I feel alot better and confident that we can be both parents and spouses. THANKS AGAIN, ALL OF YOU!!!

Nerissa