There and back

The oldies know me, the newbies need an update:

Robin (27) and I (43) have been together for 6 1/2 years. We had our share of trials and tribulations. He has a son who we fought against his ex for for 2 years and thousands of dollars and lost. I was diagnosed with an incurable disease. We had very bad financial difficulty. He couldn't keep a well-paying job. It was like a soap-opera at times, but we were always deeply in love and never blamed eachother.

This past year, we went through such huge financial difficulty I almost lost my house. The stress caused us to grow apart, and Robin left in July. For awhile, we didn't see or speak to eachother. Then, we started talking again. We decided to be friends. He was seeing an ex-neighbor of mine at the time, and didn't tell me.

In January, he called and wanted to "try again". In the meantime (after he came back) I was approached to run a bar by a childhood friend's mother. It's the same bar we met at 6 plus years ago. I was eager, he was eager. I found out he was still talking to the ex-neighbor (complaining about me) and I flipped out. I told him I never wanted to see him again. I told him how much she had hurt me in the past (used me for money, cigs, beer, and bad-mouthed me to people) and he said he didn't realize that and wouldn't be friends with her anymore.

We are on a trial period. We are trying to work out our issues and see if we can save this relationship because we love eachother and apparently just can't let go. I was very jealous during the course of our relationship, and I have learned that that is really a moot point. People will do what they do, but you will ruin any chance of having happiness and enjoyment in your relationship if you constantly worry about what your partner will do. Besides, if Robin cheated on me, I'd know...the world is just too small around here! :D

Robin realizes he can't impose on me financially. Right now, he is working with me in my cleaning business to make my days easier, but he also knows he needs to make money outside of that to be here. He used to think we made enough, but he knows now that we don't.

The kids have always been a big issue. He claims I always undermined his authority, and now I see that I did, and how it came back to bite me in the a$$! They are really bad this year. My son went into a neighbor's house with some other boys to steal stuff for pot money. Later he was caught in school with pot. Now we are in drug counseling. My daughter totally lost her confidence at school in the beginning of the eighth grade. Mean girls picked on her relentlessly. I ended up homeschooling her this year. I drank heavily after Robin left, not knowing how to cope with such a loss. I don't do that now, but it wasn't good when I did do it.

Here we are, trying to recognize the love in eachother, the eyes we used to know, and reconnect to become the couple we were. One thing I'm discovering is that, we can't. We aren't the same. It doesn't mean we can't be together, it means we have to take the steps to fall completely in love all over again.

This isn't a bad thing. I am a better person than I was. I am not jealous anymore. I do not tell Robin who he can and cannot hang out with out of fear he might like that person better than me. I do not get upset if he goes out without me (I have a clingy daughter and sometimes need to stay home due to circumstances pertaining to her). I believe he should be able to go out and socialize with or without me, and the same with me.

Robin sees that he needs to bring in more money and move towards a more productive future. We are both going back to school, me for nursing, and he for psychology. It will be a few more hard years, but our relationship has matured and we are owning our part and seeing the changes we need to make.

This makes me very hopeful. Robin feels hopeful as well, especially since I told him, "You are not responsible for my happiness. I need to love myself and be my own best friend. I also don't have the right to dictate your direction or your activities. I have to trust you, I have to go on blind faith, regardless of my previous relationships, because you aren't those people."

When I expressed that epiphany to him, he was really happy and excited (we'd been broken up for 6 months by that time). He was as hopeful as I was that we could revisit this and make it work. We decided to do it on a probationary period, and told the kids so. They were okay with it.

So far, it's been truly wonderful. While I still see him as the sexiest hunk ever, I don't see him as flawless. I don't excuse his avoidance tactics anymore, and I don't subsidize him financially. He sees my trust now, and knows it's hard for me, but recognizes my efforts as incidences arise. We are actually at a higher plateau now. We're back on the "team" mode.

Have any of you had any major "bumps", and how did you deal with it?

Why Trish...I'm not...PERFECT??? *Gasps out loud* Whatever do you MEAN??? :D j/k Sis. Thanks for the encouragement. This sure has been a helluva past year. I'm still recovering from it.

Side note: my CUTE RACCOON just woke up and is laying her fat, furry body across my cold feet! She's 30 pounds now. TONS of fun, LOL. I gotta get some pics on here!

Hello Polly,

Thanks for sharing your story and letting us noobs get to know you better.

I have to admit as I begun reading your story, sounded rough and rather messy (sorry for lack of better word). But differently then most women who stick with bad relationships and unhealthy emotional life, you are overcoming those obstacles and moving through ward a promising future. I truly admire your willingness to post your story, keep looking forward you are a beautiful lady, who deserve an emotional stable life.


Sending you my positive thoughts~

Hey Polly!!

I agree with Trish you are one Hell of a woman!!!! I have no advice for you but just keep your eyes open and You call the shots!!!!!;)

You and Robin have been together a long time and I'm sure you will figure this out!!! Your a smart woman!

Thank you for sharing your story, Polly. I certainly do hope that things do work out, but more than that, I think that they will. The fact that you both are communicating and dealing with the underlying issues is a very healthy thing indeed.

All the best, and a very happy Valentines day to you and Robin. You both deserve to have a very special one.

DanE

Have any of you had any major "bumps", and how did you deal with it?

Polly, the only really long term relationship I know *everything* about is my parent's relationship of 30 years.....and boy did they have some bumps! In fact Stu and I just came back from a 4 day holiday to celebrate their second wedding to one another, so I've been reflecting quite a bit about relationships and their longevity lately.

My parents marriage had sooo many hurdles, Polly. For starters, my dad (a very good looking, rich Adonis) was a swinger & a `great lover of porn' when they met. Also, he's Greek and shes Australian, so his whole family spent years trying to alienate my mother and set him up with other women. Also, they both came into the marriage with 3 children each from former marriages. And that was just the beginning!

Ten years into the marriage Mum cracked and started what was the first of a series of affairs with other men. Dad was absolutely devastated, and yet against the advice of everyone he knew, he made a decision to stick by her, remain loyal, and become her very best friend for life.

Mum had 5 affairs over the course of 15 years....usually lasting 5-8 months at a time. The first two times, Dad suffered incredibly, and during those years (I was 14 and 17) I HATED my mother!.

But when it happened again, in my twenties, Dad just kind of flicked a switch, transcended all his insecurites, and became the most positive person I've ever met....and remains so to this day. Also, I think deep down he recognised my mother's depth of insecurity and need for validation, and he bacame her biggest cheerleader. I think he did that because he knew with all his heart that she would never find greater love than what she had with him, and that her actions stemmed from very deep insecurity about herself and fear of intimacy.

All through my twenties I'd lecture my poor dad about boundaries and abandonment issues, which I believed were the cause of his great `weakness' for my mother. He'd listen to me good naturedly, but his mind was made up....he was sticking with her. He always believed that when she strayed she'd be back, and he was always right. He even got to the point where he kind of enjoyed the space because it gave him time to indulge his passion for wildlife conservation and really get invovled with the community....my Dad is the kind of guy who goes to dinner events with David Attenborough!

Its took my mother 20 years to get past all her own `stuff' and appreciate my father in the way he deserves. It took her another 10 years to get past her guilt and also her old habits of blaming him for every negative emotion she couldn't control.

30 years later...somehow this marriage has survived and anyone around them can see the depth of love they both feel. Its a love well earned. I always picked my mother as a bit of an incurable narcissist in her tendencies.....but she surprises me. In quiet moments together she has told me stories about her mother's abuse, and how she feels so guilty that she sabotages her own happiness because she feels she doesn't deserve it. Shes definantely come a long way, my beautiful Mum!

Hey, but I'm not recommending this! I just wanted to share this story because it is a pretty extreme example of how positive thinking on one partner's part can transcend some pretty big hurdles. I pray that they stay together this time and enjoy the happiness they have earned.

Polly, I just wanted to say that I wish you and Robin all the best and to also commend you two for working on it, rather than just giving up.

You can't go back but you can go forward and that seems to be what you guys are doing. With that in mind and a past to build on it would seem that you have an excellent chance of moving toward a wonderful future together.

Best of luck to you both....

Thank you all SO MUCH for you kind, positive words of encouragement! :) I am sitting here just smiling and so grateful to be reading this stuff.

Bella D, your parents' story is incredible! Yes, every long-term marriage will have some aspect of it that seems like an impossible obstacle, but your parents found a way to deal with theirs, and it paid off! My parents too, who have been married 46 years, had some very difficult times. They never considered giving up though. They can be on opposite sides of the fence on some issues. For instance, my dad always wanted a motorcycle and my mom would never let him get one! LOL She was afraid he'd kill himself (and he probably would!) Now, some people might say, "Well, you mom doesn't have a right to tell your dad what to do!" but the fact is, it was one of those issues that was a deal-breaker for my mom, and my dad wanted my mom more than he wanted a bike!

One thing I've seen in every LTR is the ability for each partner to SACRIFICE when necessary. Sacrifice is inevitable, as people grow and change and no two people are exactly alike. I am learning to be less selfish about our relationship. Robin actually sacrificed a lot for me in the beginning, to the point that in later years he became resentful. I was for the most part, a control freak. Robin is no longer willing to let me control him. I'm okay with losing that unhealthy behavior and focusing on how to make myself happy, not to tell Robin what he can or cannot do. I had to sacrifice my bad behavior, my mindset of being a "victim", and embrace a healthier emotional state.

You know, I really like this thread. It has meat to it and some very valuable insight. There is never a "perfect" relationship because we as humans are not perfect. All we can do is see our mistakes and try to improve them. What I find remarkable about these relationships is that they preservered through hard times and stuck it out no matter how hard it gets. THAT is what love is all about.

Thank you all for sharing.

~Shan

Hey Polly, thats awesome! I don't know many people who can admit to their own `weak spots', and I'm very impressed that you're someone who is gracious enough to not only admit to them, but who also wants to work on them for the sake of your partner & relationship. I sense some really good times ahead for the two of you. Hugs to you!

Thank you for sharing your story Polly. I love hearing about the relationships that seem to last when we are in AGR's. It gives us hope. You are truly right about working at relationships and sacrificing when necessary.

-Nibbles

thank you for your thread.. i do know that there are constant issues that seem to come up with your relationship, many seem to be financial, that is very hard to deal with and would labor any relationship. i loved your honesty, learning the hard way, maybe cause i made some STUPID mistakes in my past i set up my current relationship on some core issues, i do NOT take my private stuff outside of the house to people i cant trust, been there done that and got burned.

i still am the girl and expect adam on some levels to take care of me, i personally need that because even though i am 20 years older he is still the man and i need to know i can lean on him.

i agree that the WILLINGNESS to sacrafice is crucial for love to endure, i never truly gave of myself as i do with adam and i do this because i know he is younger and deserves certain freedoms and opportunities to grow, for this reason i have a healthier relationship.

you guys are growing and you are extremely honest and i think that is very brave, i think robin is very lucky to have found such a great woman.

Hey, I just wanted to give an update:

Robin and I are doing pretty well, in spite of my being sick all winter. They finally put me on a different antibiotic and steroids which kicked my chronic sinusitus (sp?) and made me feel MUCH better! :)

He still hasn't found full-time employment, he works with me and with his brother (who pays him $20 an hour) but is putting in apps for full-time work. One thing we discovered is that when he was in 2nd grade, he was inappropriately placed in lower development classes for years, which made him doubtful of his academic abilities as well as lowering his self-esteem. When he was finally discovered by another psychologist in another school system, he was mainstreamed immediately (without any phase in period) which furthered his anxiety.

We learned all of this through recent school records we requested. Robin is Dyslexic, but was never properly diagnosed. He transposes letters and words. When under stress, he can't articulate properly, yet, when he's around a familiar setting, articulates quite well. I'm happy because he's finally ready to go to college and get a degree in something he really wants to do! :)

We have had a lot of time to reconnect and rediscover eachother since January. It's been really great, the best part of all seeing his family again, all of which I love dearly. I feel more comfortable and secure with Robin now than I ever did. I know that must sound strange, but it's true. It's like we were both given the chance to choose another path, and we went back to eachother instead. It feels more natural than ever to be with him now. The phenomenal sex doesn't hurt anything either! :D

We still have money issues to overcome, and at this point are both trying to get part-time evening work in addition to our daytime employment, but we hope the second jobs are only necessary for a year or so. In the meantime, I am trying to get my 17-year-old son a job too, so he can help pay for CAR INSURANCE!!!

I don't believe good things come easy. I believe good things come from patience and perserverence. I believe Robin and I have a really good chance of making it, and if we don't, well, we gave it a 150% shot! I never believed this much in anyone or gave a relationship this much effort. I want to do it, I need to do it, and Robin feels the same. If we fail, we fail, but at least we gave it all we had and loved eachother from the bottom of our hearts!