Concerned Mom - Daughter YW and her OM

I have a 20 yr old YW who has recently declared her love for a 36 yr old man. A brief overview of their relationship - we used to be neighbors and Daughter was best friends with his wife. Wife unexpectedly died 4 months ago. Daughter began caring for their 8yr son to ease the passing of his mom. This was going along a fine except I noticed Daughter was spending more and more time over at his house after he came home from work. On her days off, they would be together. She has stated only heavy petting has occurred, but I am not certain how much longer before they go to the next level. Daughter has not dated or had any serious boyfriends in the past. In the past she would like someone and when they returned the affection she would not like them any longer. Dad is VERY upset about this as her OM is 36 and she is only 20. Dad is MY YM and he is 39 - I am 48. So there are only 2-1/2 years age difference between Dad and OM. As much as we expressed our concern that this may just be infactuation(sp)?? She says she loves him and he loves her. I cannot convince Dad that she can make her own choices and will have to live with them. I will always be there for her and IF this is true love, then that is wonderful. But IF he is after a 20 yr old virgin, DAD will break his body! I cannot give my blessing as I do not fully agree with the situation, but do not want Dad to kick her out of the house. After reading many posts on this subject I know it is much to have loved and lost then to not love at all, but I guess I am still trying to protect my daughter and do not want to see her hurt. Words of encouragement and support or objective will be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for listening....

My OM is the same age as my father (with whom I have a tenuous relationship, so it's a bit different for me because my father would not have much of a say in who I date) and I am younger than your daughter, so it CAN work and there ARE men who are much older and are really honestly interested and not just after an easy virgin or something like that. I honestly don't know how to help you handle the situation because I've not been completely up front with my own family about it so far (we are waiting to tell until our relationship is stronger and until my family is in a better situation emotionally to handle it). But...I would say get to know him and get to know what they're comfortable sharing about their relationship and as long as his intentions are good, from what you can gather, and he makes her happy, then I feel that should be most important. Nevertheless, it wouldn't hurt for your daughter to date and such before settling down with one person, especially one who's at a completely different stage in his life. My OM is very adamant about me going out with friends my age and about the fact that he likes that I have a sexual and relationship history, because without those experiences I would not be able to fully appreciate our relationship and I might feel as though I were missing out on "normal" teenage stuff.

At any rate, good luck with your situation! I would be happy to talk to you, your husband, or your daughter if you ever just want to talk to someone in a bit of a similar situation. Feel free to PM me at any time :)

My OM is actually 3 years older than my dad, and I am the same age as your daughter. When my parents first found out about my relationship with my OM, they of course had all the same concerns you and your husband seem to have. I really think the best thing you could do would be get to know him and seeing if he makes your daughter happy. Since she is an adult, telling your daughter who she can and cannot date is probably not going to do you any good. She's going to be with who she wants to be with regardless of her family's opinion.

It took awhile for my parents to come to terms with the fact that my OM and I really honestly love and care about each other. While it was rocky in the beginning, they now know that he wants nothing but the best for me, and they were actually supportive of our marriage.

Best of luck with the whole situation.

Hi there,

Well, I can see your concerns, not because of the age gap, but because of the other factors. The one that sticks out the most to me is that the wife passed away only 4 months ago. This takes time (obviously!) to recover from and is really too soon in my opinion, to start a relationship. I'd be worried about a rebound situation happening.

The other concern I'd have is that your daughter has not really dated anyone else. I know this is not an issue for some people, but I do think that it would contribute to inequality or difficulties in an age gap relationship.

And the concern that he's only out to get a virgin, I think, is completely unfounded. To me, it would seem like they have known each other for quite a while, care about each other, and have both suffered a huge loss. It is natural to turn to each other in an instance like this.....just hard to determine if it is a temporary reaction or if it will truly work in the long run.

Great to see a caring mom on this site, trying to learn more about agegap relationships. :) I hope it all works out for your family.

Hi there,

Well, I can see your concerns, not because of the age gap, but because of the other factors. The one that sticks out the most to me is that the wife passed away only 4 months ago. This takes time (obviously!) to recover from and is really too soon in my opinion, to start a relationship. I'd be worried about a rebound situation happening.

The other concern I'd have is that your daughter has not really dated anyone else. I know this is not an issue for some people, but I do think that it would contribute to inequality or difficulties in an age gap relationship.

And the concern that he's only out to get a virgin, I think, is completely unfounded. To me, it would seem like they have known each other for quite a while, care about each other, and have both suffered a huge loss. It is natural to turn to each other in an instance like this.....just hard to determine if it is a temporary reaction or if it will truly work in the long run.

Great to see a caring mom on this site, trying to learn more about agegap relationships. :) I hope it all works out for your family.

I agree here... I'm not really concerned with the age gap.. UsuallY I feel when the woman is younger like 18 to early twenties they should take is slow... Its not a bad thing tofall in love with an older man I just think they need more time to let the relationship grow....

HOWEVER... His wife died 4 months ago.. and he needs more time to grieve... Unfortunatly I feel that maybe since she is taking care of their children and shes their I think maybe he's feeling like she's taking the moms place and somehow she's filling that void he has for his wife.....but he doesn't know it. Unfortunatly SHE may not seet his (if it is happening) and she will have to learn for herself.... She is old enough that sometimes moms and dads have to let go and let them make a mistake. its the only way any of us really learn.. Just make sure shes not in any danger and if not then let her do it... but just be there for her and let her know that also if and when it falls out.

I lost my boyfriend at 23 years old he was 25 we dated for 7 years... I remember that feeling with you love someone that deeply dies... I know I found a boyfriend who was just a replacement and then realized I did it thinking it would make it go away and it didn't :(

GOod Luck ok... I hope it all goes well.. All YOu can really do is Love her and let her go and make her decisions.... You and your husband will always be her constant if you let yourselves be. YOu may not like her decisions and you may know they are bad... HOWEVER she's an adult and she has to make them and live with them....

To All Who have replied - I cannot tell you enough how much your wisdom and words have helped. I have gone over and over these same issues wih her. Her Dad sees that he doesn't want his little girl hurt in any way. I know I have probably been an over protective mom, but just last night after reading messages on this sight it honestly helped me see how others have dealt with this issue. I am going to encourage their relationship to take it slow. I am also going to steer them to this sight to see for themselves how others deal with it. Dad however is a different story, but i can handle him.

Thanks again to all, I will keep you posted.

Hugs - Footballmom