I want a future but I also want my OM

ok we've being going out for 4,5 years, we've being through really rough times, had a lot of fun, hurt each other and so on. But there comes a day in a relationship, in ANY relationship, when it's either going a step forwards or it dies. Meaning, doesn't a relationship have to end up in marriage or a breakup? I'm just tired of going out, tired of hiding all these years (and why? what does he have to hide?). I feel mature enough to have my own kids (I know, 'mature enough' sounds stupid at 24 but as a kindergarden teacher I've this liking for the cute little ones; that weird mother instinct's bugging me every time I c a baby anyway).
And time goes by so fast; most of my friends r already married with kids. And they r of the same age as me, and they r shifting between temp jobs just like me. I used to think I must get a permanent job before I make a family; till then I'd be fooling around with my OM (who's definitely not the type of a husband or father to be). However the job thing might be late; I don't want to be like a girl I know, 34 years old still single because of not having a permanent job yet. The bio clock's ticking.
U know, this is the right time in a woman's life to have a family. If I had a steady salary I'd be too independent to consider marrying him; why should I? He'd have nothing to offer me. For sex I don't have to marry him. For having kids, my standards will be higher later so I'll want a younger man to grow old with me and the children. A few years ago I was secretly hoping my OM would stop hiding like a coward, afraid they'd c us together, and get me for good. I have so much to give. But I'm tired of just giving; and the years made me c his flaws, he saw mine, we learned everything there is to know about each other. Lived together for a few months so there r no surprises left.
Now if I still thought there was a future between us, I'd be aching to know -why on earth he's not marrying me? Or dumping me? Move forwards or go away; simple. He says the important thing is to have fun NOW and let things happen, cause all will happen if I have patience. Says we’ve invested so many years in each other and it’s a pity to break the bond we’ve built. But I don’t c any bond; he’s got 3 decades of experience more than me and his education is so higher, I’m a nothing for him. How can he feel a bond with me?
I'm bored of this idea of fun anyway. We do the same things, go to the same places. Even a wild oppressed teenager sometime gets bored and tired of clubbing and 'fun'. Isn't routine the worst?
So should I keep my eyes open and be looking for a potential partner? Or be devoted to this dead end situation? Finding a partner is hard, if not impossible, with my OM in my way. And I won't be able to dump my OM, to have a future with another man. I don't want to hurt him; I love him too much. I never had any other man in my life, he's the first and only one, so I don't know if becoming involved with another man, could make me forget him.
Any opinions? I want a future but I also want my OM.

Hi witch,

Well, reading this from the outside, it really looks like you've gotten what you need from this relationship and that it might be time for you both to spread your wings. You are right, a relationship takes more than love - you both need to have the same goals and aspirations (or at least compatible ones) for the future. It looks like the two of you are heading in different directions.

I'm sure you've seen it, but check out the sticky "but, but, I lOVE him" in this forum if you haven't. Good luck to you!

Well, reading this from the outside, it really looks like you've gotten what you need from this relationship and that it might be time for you both to spread your wings. You are right, a relationship takes more than love - you both need to have the same goals and aspirations (or at least compatible ones) for the future. It looks like the two of you are heading in different directions.


I agree. I think you've 'outgrown' him in a sense. Time to learn new lessons elsewhere.

I'd like to point out something you wrote:

"If I had a steady salary I'd be to independent to consider marrying him: Why should I? He'd have nothing to offer me"

Sounds like you have nothing to offer him...

If I were him, I would not want anything to do with someone that thinks like that...

There's no need to be rude Lastly.
Every relationship is about giving and taking. If it's only giving, then one is exploiting the other. By giving I mean anything, even the little things; a compliment, a rose for no reason, or sitting all night in front of the computer typing docs for his work. Cleaning, cooking, taking care of him when he's sick, etc.
I'm the only one who does these things, u know. With not even a smile or a 'thank u' in return. What I get in return for all I do for him, is listening to his complaints and misery about his work, and trying not to react when he flirts with a female friend on the phone. Isn't it natural that I want sth too? I want sbd to listen to me for a change, to bring me a flower, smile and tell me he loves me. Just once.
I don't go to extremes, haven't cheated, never do sth without caring about the consequences but he does. He's 3 decades older than me and yet he acts with the maturity of a 15 year-old!
The more complex things have to do with the fact that kids disgust him. The man who'll be my husband someday, won't ever say 'look at this sh**' insted of 'look at this child'. Maybe I sound demanding but I also need him to be responsible with money. This man is in big debt.
Now if that seems normal to u, I've nothing more to say. Maybe u r a man..

is this a troll message to get folks worked up?
look at what you've written. Not trying to be rude or nasty but it's right there in front of you, black and white in your own words. You love kids. He doesn't. You haven't written a nice thing about him. He seems to have no redeeming features. You're doing all the giving. What's the question here?!
There's an old expression: do you want to be a young man's slave or an old man's darling? Well, you're missing the boat. You're not an old man's darling. You are an old man's slave getting nothing in return and yet still professing your undying love for him.
What is wrong with this picture?!
Find someone who loves kids as much as you do, someone who knows how to give as much as you do. Don't be comfortably miserable. Move out. Move on. Find someone you can have a 50/50 relationship with.

Ok....wow...people are getting all worked up here..

In witch's defense, yes, I believe this situation is for real....I've seen her here on and off for quite a while and IMO has been living in a rather emotionally abusive relationship...so lighten up on her.

And frankly.....I'm so glad that you have reached this point, witch. Imagine if you had gone on longer like this....and then looked back at all the time you spent doing everything for him and doting on him....and getting absolutely nothing in return? Chalk it up to experience, and move on....there's a wonderful man out there who will cherish and appreciate everything about you, and the longer you stay hung up over this man, the longer you will be missing out on this type of love. I wish you luck and strength in moving on.