Self Confidence

How did everyone become so self confident in their relationship with their ym? While I know the decision to date a ym rests with me I have debated this issue with my friends. One of them dated and married (later divorced) a younger man – now she is with a man older than her. When we went to see the Jack Nicholson/Diane Keaton movie “Something’s Gotta Give” we cheered her budding relationship with the young doctor – but ultimately she went back to the Nicholson character that was her age or older. For every Demi and Ashton success – there is the opposite and after reading almost every article and thread in this site – (the past few days) I must ask again – “How did everyone get so confident”? I also realize I’m not talking a huge age span (it’s 6 years) but to me it might as well be as wide as the Panama Canal. In my head I’m always calculating the scenario – “When I was in High School – he was in Grade School. He knows how I feel about this situation (we’ve known each other 10 yrs or so) but he keeps trying. As others have said – I found this site by accident and I feel it’s an “omen” because we’re going out this Saturday night (and eventually he’ll try to convince me yet again that age doesn’t matter).

Welcome to ageless!

Well - I really don't know what to tell you. Any weirdness I felt about dating my first YM (my fiance isn't my first) - I just let it go. He was 15 years younger. It was a great adventure (we were also intercontinental).

Your difference is only 6 years, what's the big deal? What does that really affect?

When I was graduating from high school, my honey was in kindergarten...and so what? Personally I find that thought amusing. It's just one of those things I smile at and say, "that's so funny!"

Do you think all the old guys who date young women are put off that their ladies were in diapers when they were in college? That was the past, not the present. Kids grow up. Your fears and thoughts are getting in the way of reality. You're latching onto reasons for it not to work, but why couldn't it work? It's working just fine for many of us.

Just relax and see where it goes. We all want a great life partner don't we? Why turn away love just because the body it comes in is unexpectedly slightly younger? None of us can help what age we are, and I don't see that we need to let it limit who we get to love.

When we went to see the Jack Nicholson/Diane Keaton movie “Something’s Gotta Give” we cheered her budding relationship with the young doctor – but ultimately she went back to the Nicholson character that was her age or older.

PS, we will always see movies that "teach" us we have to stick to tradition and not color outside the lines. That doesn't make it right! The old guys who write the movies express their feelings of being threatened through the films. Why do you suppose you always see guys in their 60s still being written as leading men with ladies in their 20s? Wasn't there a recent Steve Martin movie that did that? It's to be expected.

In the 50s, 60s, and 70s, oh, probably in the 80s too, there were tons of movies where women would create a fabulous career and then ditch it all as soon as some guy wanted to marry her. We don't do things like that anymore, but back then a LOT of people felt threatened by women having careers.

If we had "listened" to the movies, where would we be now? You have to stay critical of the messages they try to send us. If the message is "limit yourself because we're afraid of anything outside of tradition," then tell 'em to stick it. :)

"I also realize I’m not talking a huge age span (it’s 6 years) but to me it might as well be as wide as the Panama Canal. In my head I’m always calculating the scenario – “When I was in High School – he was in Grade School."

Sound like me now - my YM is ONLY 9 years younger than me, but like you I do the senario's too. I figure when I was graduating highschool, he was still in elementary school and if I passed him somewhere I'd probably have said "oh what a cute little kid" LOL, we joke about that stuff from time to time when we are reminiscing, it's a hoot really to think when I landed my first job at 16 he was in the first stages of boy scouts and in like the 1st grade.

But then when you get older all that seems to dissipate and the ages aren't so important anymore. It's the here and now that counts. If it helps, sometimes my YM and I relate to issues using our age not the year it happened, although 8-9-10 years and a different generation does make a difference as to what and how things were going in your life (at a certain age) we can still relate to things we did and our age we did it. Now with that said, a generation can make a WORLD of difference, my teen years were in the 70's and his teen years were in the 80's, still we all seem to experience the same things around the same age just in a different world with different music and surroundings. It's still a hoot, and we get a kick out of the "reminiscing"!

Thanks so much for the responses. If I wasn’t such a rational by-the-book type of person I wouldn’t have these anxieties - I’m the type that has to plan for spontaneity! Seriously though, we have a lot in common (even the same branch of service) but he looks even younger than he is. My son likes him (better than the “old fool” I had been seeing – his words) but so far I’ve just not been able to let go and have fun. This Saturday when we go out I’m going to stop looking around to see who’s “looking at us” and enjoy his conversation and see if I can finally loosen up. Wish me luck.

For every Demi and Ashton success – there is the opposite and after reading almost every article and thread in this site – (the past few days) I must ask again – “How did everyone get so confident”?

Okay, I think yoiu said somewhere else that you like to rationalise things and look at them logically, so....

How many relationships (as a percentage) do you know of that have lasted? I think the vast majority of relationships fail (unfortunately) for one reason or another. So, it's no surprise when an agr fails, is it.

....This Saturday when we go out I’m going to stop looking around to see who’s “looking at us” and enjoy his conversation and see if I can finally loosen up. Wish me luck.

Good luck!

Really, 6 years is peanuts!! A piece of cake.

If you want to talk about people looking at you, talk to an Iraq veteran who just had his arm shot off, and now has a hook instead of a hand.... or a 9/11 victim who escaped with serious burns all over.

I'm just saying there are so many people with much more difficult obstacles in their romantic life, and much more to worry about in the looks department.

So, RELAX!!! You're on Easy Street.

Good luck!

Really, 6 years is peanuts!! A piece of cake.
...
So, RELAX!!! You're on Easy Street.

I agree with my brother here,

6 years is nothing really, if you take good care of yourself more likely he will look older then you. Since guys are not as caring as we are (with their skin and so on.) :)

wishing you good luck~

I challenge you to take an informal poll of every man you know/see/work with in the next week. Ask them simply,"Does age matter to you in a woman if all the other qualities that you want are there in her?" I GUARANTEE the majority will say "no".... and ESPECIALLY not to a woman being only 6-8 years older.

The facts, as I have experienced, are that most men are NOT age-freaked like we women can be. The good men in the world truly are attracted to US, not our age... and many (if not most again) have always -since they were in their teens- entertained fantasies of being with older women. The converse is NOT true....I don't think any of us here entertained thoughts of being with a much younger guy when we were in high school or even before we met our ym.

My point? Seriously, your ym is not just saying something to make you comfortable....most men could care less about your age as an "older woman"...some are even more attracted to the qualites we OW bring to the table.

I say, believe your guy...he sounds like a gem and a genuine man. Take him at his word, stop the negative tapes playing in your head ("I was in HS, he was in grade school....), and move forward in confidence and joy. If you continue with the negative thoughts, you may just sabotage the best thing you've ever potentially had in your life.

PS. I had to chuckle at the "I was in HS, he was in grade school" thoughts you have since MANY of us here could think, "I was TEACHING high school when he was BORN !!!!!"

Perspective is a good thing.

Best to you and your man! Karen

Okay, I think yoiu said somewhere else that you like to rationalise things and look at them logically, so....

How many relationships (as a percentage) do you know of that have lasted? I think the vast majority of relationships fail (unfortunately) for one reason or another. So, it's no surprise when an agr fails, is it.

Gold Star for Rob.

It's so HARD to remember this sometimes. Relationships with no AG and with small AGs fail for a myriad of reasons and various differences. It's so easy to let the 'obvious' difference make us nervous, and so easy to point to the AG when you're trying to clear a hurdle.

Truth is, me and my YM has SO much in common...are SO much alike...in SO many ways...we seldom consider the age difference. It's not as if we NEVER consider it because we're both aware that even though he's mature and I'm immature (kidding), he's 23 and he's still figuring out who he is. (Yes, we all are, to a certain extent.) Luckily, we ARE so much alike that I look at him and know that I was so much like him at that age, I can understand what he's going through a lot of the time. We understand each other's brains so well, it's scary sometimes.

I apologize ahead of time, Request, but I have to giggle just a little at the 6 year age difference. I'm 40. In my mid- to late-20s, I dated a guy 3 older than I was, for 8 years. In my late 20s/early 30s, I dated a guy 5 years older than me for 3 years. In my mid- to late-30s, I dated a guy 7 years my senior. Never noticed an AG at all, with either of them. The AGs were so small, what difference COULD they have made? Differences were personal and personality differences, not AG-related differences.

Have you ever dated anyone older than you? If so and it was just a few years, did you notice the AG much?

The guy I'm seeing now is 17 years my junior. :eek: :p

~ When I got my driver license and first car, he was hardly even a bump in his mother's belly.

~ When I was tossing back my first legal drink, he was four.

~ When I turned 30, he was still in junior high school.

Oh, and the best one is that my mother was 17 when I was born...the same as our AG.


EDIT: Hey, Request. What I'm getting at is relax, girl. There IS no age gap there.

When we went to see the Jack Nicholson/Diane Keaton movie “Something’s Gotta Give” we cheered her budding relationship with the young doctor – but ultimately she went back to the Nicholson character that was her age or older.

I've never seen this movie. I 'tried' to date guys my age or a little older again this past summer/fall. Could be a coincidence but I never did meet anyone in this 'category' to date during that time. (I met one and only one guy who is about my age who acted like he wanted to take me out, and then he disappeared when I gave him my cell number.)

I'm not saying that I would never meet another guy my age or older that I would want to date. It's not like I met that many guys younger than me that I wanted to date, either. In general, I'm not a big 'dater' - picky, picky, picky.

But it's connection, not age, that matters to me. I've only met two men in my entire life that I connect with like this. How lucky! To have found a really strong positive connection twice.