I scared him away/ advice

Hi all,

I just joined recently after reading posts for awhile. I posted a few times, this is a great site for helping me think through my relationship. I was seeing a YM, and we just had a break up. I would love your advice, as I am pretty confused.

My YM and I were dating for 2 months, he pursued. I felt really good about the relationship, and I met his family- he said they all liked me. We didn't have a ton in common, besides we just plain-old liked each other, but we shared our different experiences and were learning about each other. We were very attracted to each other, and were talking about having sex. Welll....

I just found out I carry HPV DNA, even though I never had any symptoms. So I told him. I've done alot of research on this, and my immune system is likely fully suppressing it now, and will possibly rid itself of the virus in months/year. I am going for more tests, to determine any risk I have for cervical cancer, as well as monitor how well my body is suppressing the virus. The medical research on this is rapidly growing, and many experts are now saying, while there is no cure for HPV, it is normally a termporary infection. The risk to my partner, if they even get it, is just whether they pass it to future partners (again, for l/t relationships the man will normally only be temporarily infected). Anyway.....

The day I told him (2.5 weeks ago) he was crazy about me. After I told him, he didn't say much, but we still were very affectionate with each other- we made out and rolled around alot :p . I then went away for a week and when I came back, he came over for dinner. I was very nervous and awkward. I asked if he wanted me to kiss him and he didn't respond. Dinner was nice, but then he got up to leave and I realized this was not going well at all. I had got him a V-day CD, and when I went to give it to him, he refused it. I asked him to tell me what he needs to say, and he said he didn't see this working out. He had some wierd excuse about him going away in a year (a year!)....He was literally running out the door as he said it, like his pants were on fire. He didn't say it was about the HPV.

There is alot I wish...I wish we would have talked about his concerns more. I wish he would have asked about my health. I wish I wouldn't have said anything and just slowed the physical relationship down more and gotten to develop our communication better. I don't know if he did any research on this, or got bad information (there is alot of scary hype out there, and it makes me feel like I'm a leper sometimes).

We have only texted once since then, I said hi from vacation and asked if he had finished his tattoo, he said that is sounded like I was having fun, and yes.

I don't know if I should let this lie, or whether I should contact him and talk. One of my best friends married into his family (we met at the wedding), so I assume I will run into him sooner or later. Maybe this was just a way for me to see that he is too immature for me? Or maybe I could have been gentler about revealing my 12 years of life experiences, was it too much to process for him? Maybe he was just looking for a girlfriend to have sex with, and I've got too much reality baggage? I don't know what to think or do.

http://www.hpvsupport.com/index.php

mymojjo, i'm sorry to hear about your troubles. i guess maybe he just wasn't ready? who knows....and YOU may never know. even tho he's younger, he's still human and we all go through different stages in our lives where we are open to things more so than at other times.

maybe the best thing for you to do is concentrate on you and taking care of yourself and just let this guy go....deep breath, accept that it's something you may never have an answer to and.....let it go.

all my best wishes to you!

Tracy

well, i applaud you for telling him. hpv is tricky, it has no syptoms at times and like you said really is a danger for the WOMAN to develop cervical cancer and not the man. what does your doctor say? also isnt this contracted also by a weakened immune system or smoking? is it always sexually transmitted? however you got it is irrelevant. you obviously are a decent person, but i do think that we do need more SPECIFIC information from our doctors on how to explain this to potential partners.

Hi, sorry he reacted the way he did.

If he's going to refrain from having sex with anyone who has never been exposed to HPV he's going to have a small pool to pick from. 50% of all sexually active adults have HPV. One study said that by age 50 80% of all women will be infected.

Yes, it is always sexually transmitted. Very rarely, a mother giving birth can give it to her newborn, but that seldom happens. In fact the American Cancer Society classes cervical cancer as a sexually transmitted disease, due to HPV.

Kitty, a weakened immune system or smoking just make a flare up worse, they don't give you the disease, only genital contact does that.

It sounds scarier than it is. Only a few of the many many HPV viruses turn cancerous. Heck, even a tiny wart on your finger is one of the family of HPV viruses. Having your regular pap smears is the most important thing, as without testing, or obvious genital warts, you never even know if you have it.

They don't even recommend that women under 30 even test for HPV since most of them would test positive. (per the American Cancer Society). Just the regular pap smears.

Frankly, if he doesn't care enough to even make the effort to learn more, and show some concern about it, then maybe you're better off.

If he's that worried about HPV then he needs to refrain from all sexual contact, and make sure the only partner he ever has again is a virgin who's never even had any outside genital contact. That's the only way he'd ever be sure not to have it.

I wish they could test men, that's one more unfair thing. They can pass it, but there is no test to tell if they have it. And if they've ever had sex, they've probably already been infected.

[QUOTE=Bella]
They don't even recommend that women under 30 even test for HPV since most of them would test positive. (per the American Cancer Society). Just the regular pap smears.
QUOTE]

Yes, that is how I found out- I got the "over 30" DNA test for the first time a few months ago. My paps have been normal since I've been 18, so it was abit of a surprise. Had I not had it, I would have thought I was completely clean! I am comfortable with the understanding this is most likely a temporary infection, and I am probably not even contagious now, but will be more certain after my DNA tests start coming back negative (I go in for a repeat test next month).

Thanks for your comments. I probably could have broken this news slower, and I even had a friend tell me I was a fool to say anything- as you said Bella, they don't test men, so if he probably wouldn't have caught anything, and he definitely wouldn't have known, why tell? But I felt that was dishonest.

I guess I am glad I found out he couldn't handle "real life" us sooner rather than later- as opposed to the "giddy crazy for each other" us. Maybe that is age related, and maybe it is not. I need to learn how to navigate and protect the giddy beginning phase alittle bit better too.

I also suspect he may be a virgin- I figured that out after the fact, talking to my best friend (his new sister-in-law) about his dating history. I certainly should have been more careful with him. And even though he was terribly abrupt in cutting it off, it would take a very mature virgin to want to develop a relationship with me, at this point. I almost don't blame him, but then I feel crappy about myself.

I am trying to take Tracy's advice to let it go, and not to hope he is going to come back and apologize or talk it through, at least. It would be nice if he did. *sigh*

Wait, don't freak out. Give him some time to think and learn about the virus. Maybe he will come back by himself. But, don't contact him. He might feel like you are pressuring him. If you run into him, just be casual and pleasant and don't try to start a conversation. He needs to feel in charge of his decision. Then, there still might be a chance for you guys.