Instroducing myself

Gotta try to do this fast, I'm at work. sssshhh!!! I am female, 45 yrs old, divorced, & a single mom. I have a teenage son who lives with me, and a 27 year old married daughter. I've been dating a 31 yr old ym for 9 months. He's never been married and has no children. We really enjoy our time together and have gobs of fun. We can talk about anything, but rarely discuss our feelings for each other. We have no committment and neither of us has had this type of relationship before. He teases about marriage, the future, etc but says we're not serious. Recently he's been talking about us quite a bit. He said he's told a lot of people he wishes we were closer in age. Says if we were, he would really "fall for me". He said he felt we could see other people, as long as we practice safe sex, but he doesn't want to know about it if I do date someone else. He admitted he's been with a couple other girls, but nothing serious. He also admitted he's jealous and insecure about me, and I've seen his jealously several times in the past months. He said even if he did meet someone special his own age, he doesn't think he could ever give me up. If this ever ends, I'll have to do it. Says he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but doesn't want to lead me on.

The only thing I've ever said to him was I care a lot, probably more than I should, and that I have no expectations. I never expected to fall for him, but now I have. I was really hesitant to date him to begin with. I have never been attracted to younger men, it's just him. The other day I finally told him I think I was falling in love, but that I still have no expectations. I don't want to be a road block in his life. He seemed happy I said it, but was worried I would be mad that he didn't say the same. I told him I'm not mad and would keep things as they are for as long as I could.

I'm really not mad, but I am confused. I want him to be happy, and if he desires kids, he'll have to find someone else. He's not sure if he wants kids, says he thinks probably not. I certainly don't want anymore, and couldn't have them if I wanted to!!!! I don't think I can keep things as they are "forever"! Any advice from anyone out there?

Thanks for listening!

Hi Lori! It's great to meet you...and shhhhh..I'll keep your secret about posting from work.

I'm going to move your post down to the relationship section so you can get some good advice from our wonderful members.

And when you have time, stop on by the chit chat section so we can get to know you better.

Welcome to Ageless! :)

You know Lori, there's been alot of women come on this site with the same problem and as much as we women think we can do this "friends w/benefits" lifestyle, we need to admit to ourselves that we're full of it.

From what you're saying, you like this guy, no, you're falling in love with him and you're willing to make a conscious choice to take the crumbs off the table because this is all your love is worth. He's offering you 1/4 of himself, but you're finding out that 1/4 isn't enough. And it really isn't. Why do you think this is all you're worth?

And as for being closer in age, there are women on this site making it work with even bigger gabs then yours and some are even married so I would wager its all a smoke screen to keep you on the outside without any delusions of grandeur. I think its sad that you're willing to accept a man who will not go the extra mile for you. he's offering you this relationship that only fits in the palm of your hands, but he won't sacrifice himself in the process and open both arms to embrace the loving you. although another woman won't accept that, he found YOU, someone who will accept anything at this point in her life even if its meager. I mean if this is what you want and you want to wait and see if he turns into that some kind of prince charming, fine...but all I see is another frog, giving you all the right signals that he's interested..."date other people (oh but you'll know he's dated others), the jealousy (he proably thinks it will inflate your ego in someway), doesn't know whether he wants to have kids or not (you a safe haven, there will be no oops).

Recently someone made an excellent statement that when a guy says anything about the relationship, they usually mean exactly that, while we women hear "maybe" because we don't listen as we're busy trying to overanalyze and/or rationalize the potential of a mate. I thought of that statement alot this week, and it makes sense on why we put up with what we put up with. Don't put up with anything that you wouldn't put up with with a man the same age. This ym is 31, old enough to know how the life is played. If he doesn't feel after 9 months that he's a excellent potential person in your life or doesn't see himself as anything significant in your life and you do, well, there's an imbalace of sorts. You either have to get off the pot or find a balance that you both can be happy about, alas, you may be doing it on your own because it doesn't seem like he's working it on his end. Think it through, you have a bit of a decision to make.

Paris

personally, I would be very concerned about the fact that he is displaying signs of jealousy, but is unwilling to make any commitment to the relationship...that just doesn't add up, and seems like a huge red flag to me. he's telling you that even if he meets an "appropriate partner" his own age, he couldn't give you up? so, what, that means you get to have an affair with him while he gets engaged and married?

he'll either get beyond the age gap, or he won't. right now, it doesn't sound like he will if it's been 9 months and the gap still freaks him out.

i'd be very guarded with my heart at this point and pull back a bit if you can.

i ran from my husband, i used the age thing to NOT go further into the relationship until he put an ultimatum in front of me.... i knew i was falling and very confused and terrified. he told me i would have the biggest regret of my life if we did not take our relationship to the next level, that did me in. i realized i could not live with the uncertainty that i really did throw love away so i took the chance.

it was hard because i was paranoic and with time i got over MY insecurities, i just loved him so much i pushed myself out of the dark hole i was in and into a lovely relationship.

as soon as the feelings started to evolve, my husband was strictly down to business, he was very forthright, i would suggest that you do the same, instead of lingering and hoping, put your cards on the table, you feel better for it.

at a certain point the age issue has to drop, its not about an agegap it is about two people who fell for eachother. i am 46 and my husband is 25.

I really appreciate the responses. It helps to know there are lots of "us" out there. I guess to add a bit more to my situation, my ym is the son of one of the owners of the agency I work at. His dad knows about us and isn't real happy about it, he said mainly because I work at the agency. My ym doesn't work there, so why should it matter? I really think it's the age thing. No one else at work knows. They would make my life hell, and until I know if this is going to be a more permanent thing, I don't want folks at work knowing. The dad only spoke to me once to inform me his son and I were to NEVER discuss anything about my job. Geez, I'm not a federal agent. I work at an insurance agency. "Dad" also said if his son enjoyed my company he was happy for him, but wanted me to know there was no future in this. Dad has never said another word, treats me kindly like he always did. Anyway, if needed, I would look for another job.

This whole thing sort of started when my ym saw me in his dad's office right after I started working there. He asked his dad about me and was told I was married. I have been divorced for 13 years. I was dating someone (my own age) at that time and I don't think it was a mistake his dad told him I was married. Anyway, I would see him at the office once in awhile and he always smiled and said hi, that was it. A year or so later I ran into my ym when I was out with friends. It was totally by chance we saw each other, we started talking. I found out (and was shocked) he was attracted to me all this time and now it's been going ever since.

My gut feeling is it's the dad that's stopping my ym from making a committment. I could be wrong, but I know he really respects and admires his father. Just wanted to add this. Thanks for again for listening.

Hi-welcome to ageless.

I think that it has come to light on this forum over and over that when it is the young man making all the overtures and the plans for the future it usually goes in for the long haul. When you try to pin them down to something more than friends with benefits and they won't it is usually because that is all they are in the relationship for.

Also, if your young man was a very young man, not already in his 30's I would maybe go with the Dad having a big impact on his decision. BUT this is a man you are talking about, unless he is financially dependent on Dad, I don't think that would be his reason.

My husband and I work with his father and were a little leary on letting him know. After a brief time, he told his family and we went to dinner with them all to meet. His dad said to him "Then this is serious?" and my husband said, "Yes" and that was the end of the conversation.

By the way, my husband was 29 at the time. Making his own way and answering to himself.

Hopefully, things work out the way you would like.

If you rarely discuss your feelings for each other is because, on his side, there are probably no strong feelings. If he would love you the way you love him, he would want some sort of commitment. You say that recently he's been talking about you quite a bit. That he's told a lot of people he wishes we were closer in age. Says if we were, he would really "fall for you". To me, that is worse than if he stayed silent. He is basically stating that he recognizes that you are lovable but that he is shallow enough for it not to matter.

This guy is saying he has played around... who knows what he has told those other girls.

Telling you that even if he did meet someone special his own age, he doesn't think he could ever give you up is insulting... to me it means he has pegged you for sloppy seconds.

I think that you are endangering your job for someone who has clearly stated that does not love you or respect you as you deserve. As Paris said, 9 months is time enough for him to have developed feelings towards some sort of commitment.

I think you should take him on his offer that you date others, find somebody better and soon start getting rid of him in your heart.

Hi Lori. Welcome to Ageless... it looks like you're already getting some valuable advice/points of view here. I only want to add.... I am concerned that it seems you're on this site and posting during your work hours, both yesterday and today, and that might jeopardize your job. Please be careful about that.

xo Faith

Actually, when we do discuss it, he's the one who brings up feelings. Until recently, I always just said I cared for him a lot and sort of shied away from the conversation. I realize that's because of mine own insecurities. The last "relationship thing" he said was he didn't know if there was a permanent future for us, but the odds were against it. Yet he has always teased me about marriage? I've never taken the bait. I do feel better though that I opened and told him I'm falling in love. Maybe I just waited to long to say it? I agree with what all of you are saying, and I probably should just move on. I just don't know.

Anyway, I go Monday for the big HYSTERECTOMY!!!!! Without sex for 6 weeks, maybe he will find a way to "give me up"! He swears he'll be there for me, no matter what I need. I'm really feeling like an idiot for allowing myself to get in this deep.

Thanks for your concern about my job, Faith. My computer is down at home or I wouldn't be doing this during my work time. I'm a dependable worker, and I certainly will make sure all my work gets done.

Thanks for your concern about my job, Faith. My computer is down at home or I wouldn't be doing this during my work time. I'm a dependable worker, and I certainly will make sure all my work gets done.
I wasn't looking at that aspect of your work, but rather I was echoing your own concerns where you wrote:

No one else at work knows. They would make my life hell, and until I know if this is going to be a more permanent thing, I don't want folks at work knowing.

You've got so much stressing you right now, and with a hysterectomy coming up next week... yikes. Please take care of yourself. Tread carefully in regards to your job....don't let the situation with this man endanger your income. Believe me, I speak from experience about that!

Now I'll take my own sage advice and get back to work myself! ;)

xo Faith

Okay, now I'm more confused. His parents have been divorced a long time. Tonight he told me his mom and grandma would like to meet me, and wanted to know if I'd be willing. Obviously I've met his dad, but no other family members. None of this is a secret to our family or friends, just my co-workers. Does anyone think he might be coming around or just trying to make me more comfortable with keeping things as they are? I guess it really doesn't matter, until he makes a committment nothing has changed.

If nothing else, you seem to be great friends. Maybe you opening up to him has opened his eyes. He obviously speaks of you to his Mom and Gramma if they want to meet you! This, I think, is a good sign. I would definately take him up on meeting them. I am always curious to see how guys treat their Moms as it tends to be an indicator of how they will treat me.

As for the joking about marriage, etc. I tend to make jokes when I am nervous. They will be 50% joking, 50% something I feel, but don't really feel comfortable saying. My boyfriend is 14 years younger than me as well (37, 23) at this point in our relationship I don't even feel the age gap is that big of a deal to me anymore. (For him, it never was a big deal, he really just never cared about it at all) For both of us our biggest problem is the 360 miles separating us.

I think its too late for you to retreat easily. You obviously love him, you may as well give it a chance. If it doesn't work well it doesn't, at least you tried. I would say continue to be honest about your feelings though. Tell him you have no desire to date anyone else, tell him how you feel. As far as his dad goes, maybe he was being honest with you about the "work" part.

Good luck with your surgery.

well i was all set to say walk , till i heard he wanted you to meet his mother and grandmother . now i 'm for going with meeting them , that souncd genuine anyway .
best of luck , let us know how things go ..

and I strongly agree with not jeopardizing your career , your finances , your friends or your family for a man who has not committed himself to you .

Thanks Roisin. I was really thinking about calling it quits before I got hurt anymore, but decided meeting family was a positive step forward. I'm glad someone else agrees.

I met Grandma yesterday. Wow, what do I say. She's a very sweet elderly lady. She's 92! Kept telling me I look like I'm in my twenties. I think I love her a bunch!!! Guess she has some vision problems, eh? But she wasn't wearing glasses. 92 and no glasses! She was very kind but a bit forgetful. I answered some of the same questions 3 or 4 times. Oh well, she hugged me 3 or 4 times too! I think I want to be like her when I'm 92.

I haven't met Mom. She lives out-of-town. My ym asked me again today if I would be OK with meeting her when I get back on my feet. I said sure. I know Mom will be a bit tougher than Grandma!

We talked about his Dad. Dad doesn't like it that I work at his agency, but even if I didn't, (cause I said I'd look for a different job), he's not at all happy about the age thing. My ym says it doesn't matter, but I know it bothers him a lot that his dad doesn't approve. Dad's a major control freak and get's real mad when he doesn't get his own way. Guess just because a man is 55 doesn't mean he's mature. I know my ym is 31 and can live his own life and for the most part he does. He butts heads w/ dad all the time about anything and everything. But I also know his family is the most important thing on this earth to him. I don't think he would alienate his dad by making a permanent comittment to me. I don't know, guess I just don't want to give up yet.

My surgery is Monday so this will probably be the last time I post for awhile. I'm scared but anxious to get it over with. Thanks again for everyone's input. I really appreciate it a lot.