Need some advice

My mother has posted a thread on here, this is it --
Concerned Mom - Daughter YW and her OM

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I have a 20 yr old YW who has recently declared her love for a 36 yr old man. A brief overview of their relationship - we used to be neighbors and Daughter was best friends with his wife. Wife unexpectedly died 4 months ago. Daughter began caring for their 8yr son to ease the passing of his mom. This was going along a fine except I noticed Daughter was spending more and more time over at his house after he came home from work. On her days off, they would be together. She has stated only heavy petting has occurred, but I am not certain how much longer before they go to the next level. Daughter has not dated or had any serious boyfriends in the past. In the past she would like someone and when they returned the affection she would not like them any longer. Dad is VERY upset about this as her OM is 36 and she is only 20. Dad is MY YM and he is 39 - I am 48. So there are only 2-1/2 years age difference between Dad and OM. As much as we expressed our concern that this may just be infactuation(sp)?? She says she loves him and he loves her. I cannot convince Dad that she can make her own choices and will have to live with them. I will always be there for her and IF this is true love, then that is wonderful. But IF he is after a 20 yr old virgin, DAD will break his body! I cannot give my blessing as I do not fully agree with the situation, but do not want Dad to kick her out of the house. After reading many posts on this subject I know it is much to have loved and lost then to not love at all, but I guess I am still trying to protect my daughter and do not want to see her hurt. Words of encouragement and support or objective will be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for listening....

Now I know that parents want what is best for their daughter and they don't want me to get hurt, but recently me and my OM have not being see each other that much, I haven't even been staying at his house late anymore. We have done this to make my parents happy, but yet last night my mom told me that she can not even talk to me. I have been doing everything my mom asks me to, telling her stuff, and asking what else I can do so that me and my OM can be together, but in the end I know she doesn't want us to be together. I think she has even been talking to the neighbors around my OM's house, telling them about our relationship. I have always done everything to make my parents happy and now for the first time in my life I want to do something that makes me happy and my mom, the one person I expect to be behind me, I feel like she isn't behind me. I would think that my parents would at least be a little happy cause I am so happy, but my told me last night that she can't even talk to me. I just don't understand and I don't know what do to. Can someone please give me some advice, suggestions, or something to help? Cause I am not going to stop seeing my OM, but I don't want a strained relationship with my parents. Thanks for listening.

Hiya kortis...

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

I definately know how you feel...i actually moved across the country to be with my OM...and my parents are definately not happy about it.

Here's some of the things I've learned.

Patience. This is going to be the best thing to help you. It's going to take time for your parents to see how wonderful life is when you're with your OM. It's also gonna take patience for you not to talk back to them when they get mad at you or start telling you that you need a younger boyfriend.

You have to realize that your parents love you to death...and they're just scared and worried for you. It's going to take time...and sadly in your case you still live under their roof...so it's going to be even harder.

I'm sorry hun. Good luck to you...I'm sure you'll get some good advice from the people here. *grin* If you wanna just talk about it...feel free to PM me...i love to talk about the situation me and my parents are in. lol.

Nadine.

Thanks for your help, I am sure I will get some good advice and I want to thank you for yours, you have been a big help. Thanks again :)

I can't really add much to what Nadine said...but here's some encouragement. Your mom really obviously does want the best for you....her searching out this site, registering and posting says alot. She seems to be honestly trying to understand the situation and wants the best for you. So, again...patience. If your mom sees you in a great relationship, she will come around over time.

And, like I said in response to your mom: this relationship is happening really soon after you BF losing his wife...he's going to need time to heal from that too so take it slow.

When I was 18, I had a 29 year old b/f..........my parents were not happy about this. Although they allowed me to see him, I stayed out to late one particular evening (I still lived at home with their rules) and my father came to get me (It wasnt a good thing, thats for sure).

For the first time in my entire life my dad and I had a heart to heart talk. He told me that he loved me and that he didnt want me messing up some of the best years of my life with someone of such an age difference whose priorities (at that age) were so much different than mine. (B/f was not a bad person or a trouble maker at all). My dad said he wanted me to have fun but not at the expense of losing out on all that life had to offer.

As time went on my parents let me follow through with the relation (having already given me their advice)....well within 2 months we fell apart. What made it fall apart wasn't that the relation wasn't working for the two of us as a couple but it was my dad's words constantly going through my head....did I want to have all the headaches that a 29 year old, living on their own working full time to pay the bills, and a mortgage, car....on my shoulders too....not really.

Life changes us in mysterious ways. THe things we think are the best for us are not always what they seem.

I don't think your OM is a bad person for wanting you and I don't think mom is a bad person for wanting you to stay young and enjoy life.

Show this to mom....but please remember my dad's words....I think about them with every choice I make in my life. Im 32 now and have a whole different set of priorities....including a four year old daughter that I don't want to grow up before her time, I want her to enjoy life as it is.

Take care and the best of luck to all of you!

CeeJay

Sometimes we get too caught up in "who's right" and "who's wrong" in a situation... probably a natural tendency, but in one like this, chances are everybody is right and everybody is wrong.

I've noticed one thing particularly interesting.

Mom posted originally... and let's not allow it to escape our attention that she emphasized how upset Dad is... she even notes that she can't convince Dad that daughter can make her own choices (implying she does, at least to some degree)... Yep, go back and read it again.

Now daughter is posting... I don't see one word about Dad...

Do you suppose Mom needs a little help with Dad? It's real easy to try to fix the wrong problem.

Mom can't talk with daughter about the OM... maybe daughter can talk to Mom about what this is doing to Mom's relationship with Dad? Because it sounds like Dad is making Mom choose between him and daughter.

Look at the formula:

Daughter feels she's being forced to chose between OM and Mom.
Mom feels she's being forced to chose between hubby and daughter/OM.

Who's the real victim?

EVERYBODY.

Well I know my dad is upset and it will take time for him to accept all of this, but my mom is the one that I talk to a lot. At first my mom always tried to talk to me and I didn't talk to her much, but I have been talking to her and now she is the one not talking. I just don't know what my parents are thinking and would like some insight onto what they may be thinking, because they lately have been saying one thing and then saying the complete opposite the next second. I know that this is hard for them, but I just want them to understand and begin to accept it. Thanks for the replies from everyone, ya'll are all a big help. :)