scratching my face, the letter of sorrow and regret

First of all, I'm feeling really bad today so I just keep typing and don't know what's going on, this is also my first post so please take it easy on me, if it's too long you are free to not read it rather than "too long, I didn't read it" post, though I'm welcome criticisim. Again, I apologize in advance if this takes too much of your time.



Dear stranger,

I fee so sad now, I feel really hopeless and need someone to talk to. Please allow me to write this to you, you don't need to waste time to reply or even read. I'm writing this because the thought of someone might read this would make me feel a lot better.

It's about Katie and me. I've had a such a great time together, I bought her 7 flowers to celebrate our 7th month anniversary last week, yet we're on a "break" 4 days later, in which I believe saying good bye would happen soon because I can't stand it anymore.

It's always a long story, so I try to make it as short as I can. It seems that although most of the time I can control myself pretty good, sometimes I just let it out of control. Katie and I have many arguments, which are usual for any couple, but whenever I'm in frustration, sometimes I want to hit myself to make me feel better. Katie scare of this, she usually hold me from doing that, and the argument usually gone. The last time when I did this, which is about 4 months ago, we almost broke up, she said she couldn't stand let me doing this, and I promised her that I wouldn't do it again. To clarify, I DO feel better when hitting myself, I think the reason is because you could release stress and tension when you're frustrated, just like someone who throw chair, hitting wall when he's mad, but I never had the idea of hurting someone, EVER, let alone Katie, the person I love. Like my dad, who never hit my mom, the thought of hitting someone is never occur in my mind. I'm a peafowl non-violence person except I'm hot temper sometimes. I know behaving like that is bad, and it's not the way an educated, calm and understanding person should behave. Keep doing this would damage any relationship, no matter how much that person love me, so I told myself to stop, and I've tried successfully for 4 months, I was really proud of myself until 3 days ago.

Before getting into this, I have to explain a little more, Katie treated me a little distance lately, and that made me sad. Although I don't have a sixth sense like a woman, I do feel something different. Later on I found out that Katie has been posting her profile on ********.com, a dating website. She was jokingly asking me to post her profile on that website before, just to play around because she likes people to admire her, to comment how pretty and cute she is. Although I told her that I'd not jealous because of that, I don't like the idea of her pictures being posted online. She loved me and stopped having that idea. But when I accidentally found out that she was doing this behind my back 1 month ago, I felt sad. I think being as young as she is, though she's always claimed that she's very mature, it's understandable to flirt around. But if she truly happy with me, she wouldn't do that, would she? To give her some credit, I know she was looking to have fun, not because she tried to cheat on me, and you know it better than me. I just feel sad because she wasn't being honest about it. If she really wanted to, just tell me and I would have let her. She did change her personality about me, such as she neglect me usually. Being with her almost everyday in the last 7 months, it's not too hard to notice something different from each other, don't you think? I'm not sure if having chatting with other guys has anything to do with her negligent or not. Or may be I was being paranoid, I don't know.

So 3 days ago, I stopped by her place as usual, just when about to say good bye, she asked: "Do you really love me?” She asked that question many times, and I never mind, but the burden of her doing that thing behind my back, I was quiet and some tears about to come out when I thought about the way she'd treated me. So she was sad and upset and we went to another argument, you see? It's so stupid and could have totally avoidable. Instead of consolation her like I usually did, I went out of control, I pulled my hair really hard, and then I use my hands to scratch my forehead, I didn't feel hurt at that time, but it was all red filled with little blood. Why didn't I hit myself? because I promised her that I wouldn't do that, but turned out the scratch was even worse than if I'd hit myself, there were several lines with blood, and Katie told me to stop, she was so scare and cried, but when I stopped, it already too late. I tried so hold her to say sorry but she didn't let me and told me to go home, she kept saying while crying: "I'm scared". I left but did another stupid thing, I stand outside her house for 4 hours until 3am, just to show her how sorry I was. The weather was so cold that I couldn't stand anymore, I was shaking, my thumbs were numb so I knocked her room's' window, she opened it and I thought she would hug me, seeing me like that, but instead she standing there, acted nothing, then she told me to come inside the room and say this and that. My pride was hurt, I didn't mean to wait that long to start another argument, so I went home immediately by bike. I wrote her letter for 3 hours until 6, explained to her how I felt, including that I did know about the thing that she hided from me, but somehow I decided not to send.

You might be shock hearing what I did, and I don't try to defend myself, that was one of the most stupid things I've done in my life. I hurt myself physically for a few days, but I hurt Katie emotionally for a long time, perhaps she would never forget. Last time it happened, we almost broke up, this time we didn't, but I felt like it already. Katie didn't want to see me, and asked me to give her some time to think about it. I later explained to her that I'm sorry, but there is some line that a person can never cross. For example, if I argue with my parents, no matter how mad I was, I would never hit them back. The same should be applying to Katie, just because I hit myself, I could never cross the line to hit her. I also explained ask for forgiveness, and promise that I wouldn't hurt myself under ANY circumstances, Katie just didn't take it, she said: "now you're unintentional, sooner you will change to intentional hitting me not just yourself". What kind of logic is that? If you believe that person is bad, he will look bad and vice verse, why doesn’t Katie try to see the bright side of me instead of dark side that is not even existed? It's all about YOUR attitude, or mind, don't you think? Either you want to believe that person or not?

If the break, or "separate" as she said, is like what she said, I would understand and wait for her to be back to normal, but in this case, it's not. I also accidentally found out that she's been talking on the phone with another guy, please allow me to exclude the reason why as this letter is already too long. I just know positively that they talked very long, from 12am to 4am in the morning. On that night, she told me that she'd call me but never did, I ended waiting for her and fall to sleep at 4am, and they could have talked more. When I asked her the next morning, in which I had to ask her to let me in so I could say sorry to her, somewhere in the conversation I asked "why did you call me last night" and she lied to me flatly: "I fell to sleep". The thought of she doesn't want to see me is understandable, but the thought of talking to some else is killing me, am I jealous? Yes, and I think I totally have to right to jealous in this situation. Is she starting to like this guy and to see if he's better than me in this "break"? So she can dump me later or keep me if that guy is not good enough? Or she just felt really sad and needed a friend to talk to? This guy is not even her friend, he's just someone whom she knew online for 2 days and gave him her phone number after a few exchanged emails. The saddest thing is, she despite seeing my face, when I bought her some food on this morning and plan to stay there for only 30mins, she didn't open the door to see me, may be she scare of seeing the scars that were still on my forehead, or may be she still love me but not as much as she used to be.

To sum up, I scratched my forehead in frustration, she wanted a break between us, but in the mean while, she's talking on the phone with a guy in the midnight until almost the morning. She didn't know that I knew, and I'm being miserable because I miss her so much that she didn't want to see anymore, at least for now, and knowing that she's enjoying talking with someone that long, I'm just not sure about this temporary "break" anymore. It's close to Rose sleep with another girl while he and Rachel on a break on "Friends", though I know one thing for sure, Katie is NOT cheating on me yet.

I don't know how I end up reveal my personal life to you, perhaps I can't talk about something like this to my sister, perhaps I have no friends at all in this city, let alone best friends, around me. My tears drop as I'm writing this. I have an exam tomorrow and I just can't study, so I thought by writing this to you, I could feel better, and you know what, I already did feel better, but in any case, I'm really sorry to bother you about stupid love like this, I hope you don't think that I'm weird. And to be honest, don't bother to read if it takes too much time, I'm totally fine and long as I know that this letter is reached someone.

Much love, sadness and respect,
Bluetrain

Aw, I can feel your pain....I was just going to log off when I saw your thread, so I quickly skimmed through it and since I've been desperately lonely and in pain over love like you are, I had to write you something back.

I know it's easy for someone outside to say things like "she's not worth it" "you're young and have your whole life ahead of you" etc etc... but I also know that at the time, it feels like you can't cope without the person.

Hang in there....and I can understand how you feel about hurting yourself when you are in an argument. You sound like a very sensitive person. And I have heard that "self-mutilation" is actually not all that uncommon (google it if you want). It happens when a person can't cope with emotional pain, so they transfer what they are feeling to physical pain because they can deal with that better. I've also known someone that did this.

My advice to you is this:

1.) Go see a therapist or do some serious emotional work on your own...do some research and work through your anger issues.

2.) Now this one might hard for you....I think you need to break it off with this girl. Seriously, I don't see it going anywhere and doing anything more than bringing you more heartache at the moment (not that I'm a psychic..lol). But, from the way things are going, the way she is disrepecting the relationship, and the things that you need to work on within yourself, I think it would be the best thing.

Remember though, that we only grow from our mistakes and from our experiences...and that you'll heal. Just be patient and try to focus on the important and the good things in life.

Hang in there (((hugs))) :)

what she said....and maybe try not to take life so seriously...go out and have some fun somehow. Take a walk...try and laugh....it will do some good.

I use to be a self harmer, so I know where your'e coming from with that,and I agree with you totally that just becuase you hurt yourself doesn't mean that you'd hurt someone else, the two things are totally unrelated. Maybe if she knew more about self-harm it'd help her realise this?

It sounds like you're in such a bad place right now, and I really feel for you.

But from your letter it sounds like you've still seen her a little even though she has asked for space. I honestly think that the best thing you could do (though maybe one of the hardest) would be to give her the space she has asked you for. That way you can both think about what you each want from the relationship, and if the relationship is worth fighting for.

Above all, hang in there.

We're breaking up. Turned out it seemed that the self-hammer was likely to be an excuse. So this is the breaking up letter that I will hand to her tomorrow, thank you all for reading and understanding.

-
Dear Katie,

I don't know how many unsent letters I've written in the past few days. They all long, very long but I thought such a letter was no longer necessary, so I'll try to make this one a final one and as short as possible.

There is no question or denying as how much I've been loving you, and how much you did love me. I believe that your love for me was real at the time, but now it's no longer existed. I think it is okay, because even when people do feel that they really love someone at some point of their life, that doesn't mean their love would last forever. At some point, it might deteriorate and slowly disappear, and that is applied for everyone, including me.

That is not to say I've stopped loving you, althought I'm not sure about the future, I know that I love you very much right now, and still in the days to come. I believe in myself that I'd love you forever, just like you thought that you would love me forever before, but no one knows the future right? Time goes by, and I will move on, my love for you would start to fade out, but I can tell you this, you will be always a part of my life that I can't never ever forget.

I've hurt you so much, and you've hurt me too. Fate divided us just like when it brought us together, fate is cruel, no mercy, because its job is two create opportunity for us to meet. It's not fate's job to keep our relationship last, that job is ours.
Before going any further, I have to tell you one truth that you need to know. I wasn't totally being honest with you recently. I've been reading your emails and know exactly what was going on, from a small thing like vsingle and Navy guy, to a bigger thing such as your relationship with your so-called best friend. Again, invading people's privacy is not something that I'm proud of, and I'm sorry to know that you might upset reading this, but I glad that I did, because I prefer the truth than lies. We all know "the truth hurts" and I've been dealing with this pain for a while now, to the point that it need to stop for sake of both of us. To be more clear, I'm NOT talking about the truth that you cheat on me, because you have not, at least not yet. I'm NOT talking about the truth that you will go to stay with that guy, because it might not happen, I'm NOT talking about the truth that in case if you go, things would have happened because things might not. I'm talking about the truth that you're willing to go to stay with that guy, whose sister was getting marry by the way, and I'm positive that you two are most likely to spend the night alone. But this isn't about all that anymore, it's about the trust that no longer there between you and me. It's not just only you being dishonest, it's also me doing a disgrace thing: spying on you. It's a shame to think a man like me could do such thing, I'm sorry and I have no excuse for what I did no matter what happened, even for the truth.
I'm not blaming you or me for anything. I am a firm believer of "It takes two to Tango". I could be wrong, but I don't think there is single relationship out there that breaks because of only one side, especially in love. Love needs mutual respect, trust and understanding from each other. At the beginning, our love sparked like fire with gas, but without proper nurture and care, it started to fade out. What we really needed is a long lasting fire; it can start as a small, little fire but would grow stronger and stronger, rather than stronger and weaker. Incompability, unwillingness to understanding and immaturity, in my opinion, are the three factors that broke this relationship.

Have you had this kind of thought lately? "I can't stand this guy, he's crying baby and just kept nagging me even though I told him to get lost for a while". Well, that's true, besides the fact that I'd been endured all the pain and couldn't say it out loud, I'm a crying baby. To put it in a fair term, I'm a very sensitive and emotional person. I was fortunate to grow up in a healthy and happy family; I'm seeing how much my dad and my mom love each other. That impression has grown in my mind since I was a little kid, I saw my future image from my dad, and I believe I will be that person, to take care, to sacrifice, and to do everything for my loved ones to make them happy.

But saying is easy, doing it is another story, and instead of being the good guy that I was meant to be, I let my anger control me. I've damaged our relationship. We both knew each other so well, and that's we both have a hot temper. But being a man, I should be able to control it, especially to the person I love. I did not, and even though I don't feel to play a blaming game anymore, sometimes I still blaming myself with regret.

If I can go back, I wish that I'd met you 5 years later, where I have a career, more mature and we both know what we want, but why all the "ifs" and "wishes"? We don't need them to be in our life, we can make anything happen if we choose to, and this relationship, though it turned out to be this way, is one of the greatest lessons and experiences that I've had, to help me in the future to come.

(continue below...)

It's so sad that both of us would never thought about the day like this, I thought number 7 is a lucky number, but it is not. I don't know about you, but I'd miss all the cheerful moments between us, your smell, you hair, your smile, you warm body… Gosh, they all gave me the greatest feelings in the world. I remember the time that we're joking; you acted like a boxer, jumping around trying to punch me. The time that you sing the song: "Bupbe, Bupe....." and then "Moa", it was the cutest thing I've ever seen. In fact, as I'm typing this letter, I had to open that video clip and watched it, but for only a few seconds, if it's any longer, my tears would drop. I remember the time that you came over to my house when my sister was in the Italy, I cooked for you steak, broccoli, fish, and shrimps, you loved them even that was the only food that I knew how to make, and then comment: "Baby, you're the greatest boyfriend ever". I looked at you, smiled, couldn’t be happier. I remember the video clip that when you thought about kissing me, move your face to my lips, but turned out they were my teeth instead :D, hihi, it's was so fun. I remember the first night that we sit together on the couch, I was so shy that holding your hand was the bravest thing I dared to do, well, at least until you "attack" me on the bed, hihi. I remember one morning when you called me and told me: "baby, I miss you so much, I don't want to go to school but come over there", it melted my heart. I imagine the day that we would go to Vietnam together like we’d planned, first class ticket, right? And I would bring you to my house, to introduce with my parents. I remember you always hop on my back, and I had to spoil you even though I was so tired. I remember the night that you told me: "Marry me", I couldn't believe in my ears, I was stunt and happy, but also felt useless because I had nothing. I remember seeing your Birthday card; it was the greatest gift ever. The drawing and letters were so sweet that I had shed some tears discreetly, and although I'd keep it for the rest of my life, I don't think I'd want to take a look at it again, a least now. I missed the days that I had to go with you to bathrooms and stayed there when you're doing it, and when the smell went so bad, I had to cover my noise but you did not allow me to... hihi... I miss the voice and the crying: "em nho anh qua a" almost every night we'd been talking on the phone, at that time I thought that there would never be anything else that could apart us. I miss your acting face that wanted me to spoil because I pointed finger on your forehead. I miss your singing, even it's not good as a singer, it still good to me in a very special way that no real singer can compared, and I was also happy knowing that you were being comfortable with me, to share with me something that you never done to anyone. Did you know that whenever I went, that lovely voice kept popping in my head? I love the feeling of being the only man in your 18th birthday, but felt bad about my stupid gift. I miss our bike riding together; I miss our cuddling when I sneaked into your room in countless nights. In fact, I miss your mom, seeing how nice she treated me, knowing how unfortunate her life has been, I just wish that I could do something to get her out of those cruel people. The moments that she let me massage her, and then said: "I could work forever if you do this everyday", it's so memorable to me, it made me feel that I could do something for her, even just a little. I wanted her to be my mom Katie, I haven't seen my mom for a long long time :(, and I miss her a lot.

I could go on like this forever but I think it's time to stop. There are so much memories and I miss all of them SO SO MUCH. In fact, it's 4am right now and I'm quietly crying when writing those lines. If there is a last wish that I could have, I wish I can have one of those moments being with you, any one of those........... One More Time :-(.........

Okay, it's time to stop being crying-baby; it's time to stop thinking about those memories, because after all, we live for the future, not the past. It felt really really good though, because I've been holding myself for a quite in the last few days, after realizing that you don't love me no more. I felt that I've released a lot of stress by doing this. You had no idea how much I wrote in the past few days, it's 10 times more than all of my essays combine that I've written in my school.

Frankly, I do hate you now, and I will be hating you for a long time, but I know deep down inside, I love you so much and I wanted you to be happy. Remember that I told you: "If there is a man who can make you happy, I'd be happy too"? That was not a lie, nor was it a way to make me look like a nice guy. I really meant it, why? Knowing you didn't have a nice childhood, with many unfortunate things that had happened to you, I just want to say: "Katie, you deserve all the happiness in your life". Just be careful with the one that you will choose though, because I don't want to see you getting hurt again.

Lastly, I know you told me that we can't be friends, I thought the same thing too, but if there is something I can do, please let me know, just because we can't be together doesn't mean we have to hate each other right? My concept of life is not about hatred, but about love. "Love yourself, love our enemy" because love is the only thing that make our life worth living and this world alive, well, at least to me.

The world is smaller than we think, and I hope that if we run to each other again, we would smile instead of stranger look. Who knows, we could be good friends someday, and 5, 10, 20 years from now, we could sit down together, thinking about the some old good memories with a good laugh.

bluetrain

Bluetrain

I have been paying attention to this thread. Your letter is very good and heartwarming. As long as you are not expecting anything from this letter but closure you should send it. If you are expecting more then tear it up and feel glad that you atleast wrote it(getting it out). The only part I would advise against is the hate part in the end? Just leave that part out. Do you really hate her? Hate is a very strong word and means much more when you hear it then when you say it. So either leave that part out or re-word it.

You must first get YOUR head straight before you can do anything or make any kind of commitments to anyone in your life. You have to love yourself first and foremost. It is civarious to love someone so much but your arent doing anyone any favors by not honoring yourself in a relationship either. Get some help somehow and good luck.

-Nibbles

Yes, this letter is gonna send to her, not just make me feel better, and no, I do not expect anything out of this.

I'll remove the "hate" part, thank you for your comment. I hope I will be able to move on after this :), cheers.

It sounds like there was some fighting going on before you scratched yourself. It is frightening to see someone hurt themselves. It makes you feel like they will turn on you. From what I understand, it is frustration because of a situation you can't do anything about. There are other better ways to deal with arguments or bad situations. Maybe some therapy would be helpful to you, so that you can communicate better when you need to resolve a problem. It is so upsetting to you that Katie seems to be interested in other people. You would probably be emotionally better off if you let her go, at least for awhile. Good luck with your unhappy situation. Hope it all works out for the best for you.

Woa my pain goes out to you, I truly think your letter is very heartfelt. I am in the process of breaking up with mines as well because he lost my trust. he, too, actually cuts himself if we get into a big fight, and like said above, it is frustrating because I often wonder if he would hurt me. I hope the best for you and do get sum help. In the end the break up will be the best thing for you. Honestly, if she is talking to a guy from 12am - 4am then something is definitely going on. I wouldnt trust that she posted her profile just as a joke and she probably met the guy there, too. :(

I have always believed that when you hate someone then you still love them, in some way, whatever it is.

When you no longer care and it doesn't matter is when you no longer hate.

There is a fine line between love and hate and that’s just what you have.

You have to learn how to breathe again, on your own. When we love someone we become part of them and they become part of us. Separation is one of the hardest things we can live with but once we establish our own identity again we become stronger.

You must become stronger....for you.

Good luck hun.

I would never finish reading the letter, it is very verbose.