I'm 31, and he is 21

I was married to man just 2 years older than me for 4.5 years, but there was no sexual connection. However, he supported me financially and continues to pay spousal support to me so I can finish school. We parted on good terms and attended marriage counseling.

Since my divorce a year ago, I met one guy who was 21 who started IMing me on the internet. We dated for a year, but I tired of the fact that he had no money and still lived with his parents. He also had no drive to achieve scholastically. I just broke up with him.

3 months ago, I met another 21 year old and felt immediate sexual chemistry with him. He pursued me, and we hooked up but didn't sleep together. He has continued calling me, but due to my other boyfriend, I didn't respond. Finally, after having enough of the deadbeat 21 year old, I decided to go out with him. He was completely different, in that he paid for everything, pulled out the chair for me, and has not lived at home since he was 16. He works 2 jobs to survive and has his own place. The downfall is that he does not have a vehical so I would have to visit him.

I think I have some guilt about being so fortunate that I was blessed with supportive parents and a supportive husband so I feel sorry for this guy who struggles to survive. I feel my maternal instinct coming out, envisioning helping him to get student loans, etc. for his college education once I graduate, allowing him to live with me because I would have to pay for housing anyway. I would never say any of this stuff to him, and I understand how ridiculous it sounds, but I do find myself daydreaming and I wonder if that is a red flag.

I also am getting my degree in nursing I like to take care of people and I have the capability of doing so by helping them achieve as much independence as possible. Even with my last deadbeat boyfriend, I didn't pay, I just said, okay, then we won't go there.

So, is this a relationship that I should explore or do I sound like I am in the wrong mindframe? Have any of you had similar feelings about your younger men?

I feel an overwhelming attraction to him which is mutual and I guess one only lives once.

So what's the problem?

Go for it. As you say, you only live once.

Thank God :p

I agree with with Japan said:GO FOR IT!!

My YM is 20 and I'm 31.If I had listened to other people I would never have been as happy and would have feel loved as I am now.

yup...what the others said....GO FOR IT.

you are right....you only live once. Look at the experience with your deadbeat-ex as a lesson to show u what love does NOT look like. If you hadnt gone through it you would not appreciate this 21 year old as much. Enjoy it!!!...

I am in the exact same age gap with a ym who is persuing me. And i am learning to stop questioning it for now..and just enjoy it.

you've got nothing to loose.....

I agree with the other ladies posting here. You can't worry about every relationship turning out the same even if the dynamics are similar. Just live for the moment and enjoy what you have with this new guy. It could turn into something great! :) Good luck.

Dusky

(ps my man is 21 too --- and I'm 41!)

Wish you all the best of luck with the guy! :)

20something-year olds are great, some of them are so open and loving... *sigh* But don't you ladies fear that they're going to change so much as they grow?

I feel sorry for this guy who struggles to survive. I feel my maternal instinct coming out, envisioning helping him to get student loans, etc. for his college education once I graduate, allowing him to live with me because I would have to pay for housing anyway.

Admirable qualities of your heart, however, I don't think he needs another mother.

I have the capability of doing so by helping them achieve as much independence as possible.

Why must this be your responsibility?

do I sound like I am in the wrong mindframe?

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it seems to me that you have the desires to be with a younger man, however, you seem to also desire to be a mother/parent figure in this man's life. Its has though you feel that its a responsibility of yours to help him through life, instead of being a partner or a girlfriend or wife.

Have any of you had similar feelings about your younger men?

No, I have not. My husband is 22 years old, and I have never had the maternal feelings to nurture him. When I look at him, I see a mature man with all of the life responsibilities that a married responsible family/father/husband figure has. We are equals, growing together as a couple.

just my thoughts,
sora

He sounds like he's determined to make it in this world and with a little help I'm sure he'll go a long way. If you're comfortable and you can see a future with him, go for it.

Good luck. :)

Wish you all the best of luck with the guy! :)

20something-year olds are great, some of them are so open and loving... *sigh* But don't you ladies fear that they're going to change so much as they grow?

No I don't.I've knows him since he was 18(next month he will be 21)and the only changes I've seen are better changes.And the things I don't like are just part of his character.But that has got nothing to do with him being 20.I don't think all changes are age related.

What kind of changed are you talking about?

No I don't.I've knows him since he was 18(next month he will be 21)and the only changes I've seen are better changes.And the things I don't like are just part of his character.But that has got nothing to do with him being 20.I don't think all changes are age related.

What kind of changed are you talking about?

I guess what I meant was that men in general have a very strong individual drive and especially at this age they develop into who they are. And this happens very very fast. :) Of course, it depends on the man - some 21y olds are stable yet some who are over 25 (or even older) are still searching.

If I could add the perspective of another 21 year-old male, I'd have to say that his situation is quite normal and in fact, I'd say he's got a good head on his shoulders.

Some guys at that age rely on their parents for financial support, but he clearly is someone who works for everything he gets. Having 2 jobs and his own place while pursuing post-secondary education is quite impressive. The majority of people his age don't have cars, so don't worry about that. He also seems like the type who will work to pay off his student loans in the future.

He sounds like a well-adjusted guy to me and I wish you nothing but luck with him.

I'm dating a 22 year old and I'm 36. At first I didn't know what to do when I knew he was really into me but I decided to go with my heart and we been going strong going on six months and am planning to get married. He's a gentleman too in every area and wants to do everything for me. I can go to him with anything and ask for anything. Heck if I needed to cry I could cry on him and receive the emotional support I need. At first I thought a relationship with a younger man would be a "NO NO". In fact I use to say when I was younger I'd never date someone younger. Well, never say never here I am dating my sweetheart. You know after all the failed relationships I'm thankful for them. Thankful because they showed me how a real man should act and treat a lady. So go with your heart and trust your feelings. YM/OW relationships are not all about sex like many think.

I feel my maternal instinct coming out, envisioning helping him to get student loans, etc. for his college education once I graduate, allowing him to live with me because I would have to pay for housing anyway. I would never say any of this stuff to him, and I understand how ridiculous it sounds, but I do find myself daydreaming and I wonder if that is a red flag.

cherrygirl....if you want to pursue this relationship, and it seems like a positive for your both, go for it. ...HOWEVER...I want to totally warn you about allowing the "maternal instinct" to kick in as you mentioned in the above quote. You will be setting yourself up for a highly-escalated heart break if the relationship does not work out and you have to "untie" all the financial help you've given him. Also... men feel emascualted if we "mother" them by taking care of their financial issues.

He is only 21...as for the wondering about men so young making big changes in the next few years of their lives the answer is : Yes, they will. I just heard on tv the other day that physiologically, the brain (and the emotions/reasoning centers and capacity) is not fully developed until 25 in both sexes. The show was explaining why teenagers make such irrational decisions, and vascillate/are confused so much of the time... Their brains aren't fully adult yet, if you will ! But it made sense to me now why my ex vym (who was almost 22 when he walked out of my life after 3+ years together) said he was confused one day and seemed to do an about-face in his resolve to love and be with me forever. 18-23/25 is a huge developmental stage for all young people as they are just learning to make their way into full fledged adulthood. That is a fact.

Luckily, I had NOT flat-out given him money, or paid for his college, or let him move in with me...he did rent a studio apartment from me, I DID cosign on a car title so he could get cheaper insurance, and other things to make his way easier.....and even those relatively small gestures all back fired.
Disentangling all the details when he left made the healing process take longer. Plus, I'm pretty sure that he felt a little dependent on me in the end....and THAT is not conducive in fostering an equal-partner adult relationship.

My current ym is 26 (but only 2 years older than my ex). I learned from my mistakes the first time, and have absoutely not helped him in any way financially or otherwise. He got a loan for a motorcyle last year, and I could have easily helped him with that (it was a stretch with his lack of credit history, but he eventually got it on his own merit), but NO WAY! He always pays when we go out, he has a good job and manages his finances well, he is generous and the gift-giver... it all feels SO much better; and I never have cause to feel taken-advantage of. There are other women on the boards here who now regret that they gave so much to their vym because of the flip way they were disgarded in the end without even a word of gratitude when they left. I say, love him, but let him make his own way financially/living-wise in all ways. He will be grateful to you for that one day, if will allow him to truly grow his own autonomy which is SO necessary for a ym if an AGR is ever going to work for the long haul.

Hey, yeah I have to watch the maternal instinct. So far, so good. I want an equal relationship and have to set clear boundaries if I feel that is changing. We spent a great weekend together. Thanks for the advice and encouragement.

You do indeed have to watch the maternal instinct, and for several reasons. He sounds like a VERY mature 21 year old, and although it's been a long time since I was his age, I'm pretty sure it would have been a real turn-off to me to think that a woman I was interested in romantically was feeling maternal instincts toward me, or was acting like she didn't think I was capable of taking care of myself. That would probably have pretty much killed my interest in a relationship with her.