Yet another new member in a situation...

Hello all,

I've been lurking here for a couple months off and on. I"ve learned a lot and have read about the happiness, confusion, aprehension..even sadness among the members here when it relates to the age difference in the different situations found in these forums.

So I thought, why not add to the mix for other lurkers to read and then join at a later time.

Here's my story as briefly as I can relay it...

I'm a 39 year old guy. I was in a relationship for about 14 years. No marriage but living together.

Due to past health problems, my partner and I were certain that we were unable to have any children hence our main reason why we never married.

But in 2003, she got pregnant and in 2004, our son was born.

At the beginning of 2005, detecting something was wrong with our relationship, I confronted her and she informed me that she no longer loved me and was interested in a coworker about 9 years younger. To say that I was stunned is an understatement.

It's been a long painful year since that revelation. We're still living together as she has not moved forward with this other guy. We're concerned about our child and the future stability within his life.

Now, here's the catch...

I have a woman friend that I met about seven years ago at my job. Although we no longer work together, we kept in touch and she was also friendly with the mother of my son.

This friend of mine is older than me (early 50s) and ever since I met her years ago, I found her attractive (inside and out).

Now my friend is going through a divorce and we are confiding in each other about our relationships that had failed. Although we're keeping it friendly, I'm finding myself thinking about her almost every waking minute of the day. It's consuming me and to be honest, there are times I don't know what to do because everything in both of our lives are so complicated.

My solution is to keep in freindly. I don't want this to be a rebound thing because I care very much about this friend of mine and I don't want to do anything to jeopordize our friendship. But it's hard to see her without telling her how I really feel because I feel that honesty is the best policy.

Well, that's it in a nutshell. Good luck to all of us in our endeavors.

You said......... "But in 2003, she got pregnant and in 2004, our son was born."

Sorry I am not giving you any relationship advice but the first thing that came to my mind was, is this child his kid? Do you wonder?...

Just a thought, remember if you two split up you will have to pay child support for a long time, of course unless you seek custody.

I wish you the best. You sound like a good guy and my only advice is get out of one relationship before you start another one... Too much going on in your life to mess it up some more...

Good luck! ;)

You said......... "But in 2003, she got pregnant and in 2004, our son was born."

Sorry I am not giving you any relationship advice but the first thing that came to my mind was, is this child his kid? Do you wonder?...



Oh sure, that came up but at this point, it's rather irrelevant since I've been one of his primary caregivers for almost two years and since my name is on the birth certificate, then it's rather hard to back out of anything since the courts favor women a majority of the time in these cases. The situation with my kid is not my worry because I'm focused when it comes to that.

But I do agree, getting completely out of one relationship before getting into another is the best idea.

Ultimately, life is not black and white, therefore, the answers aren't always as simple as it seems.

Thanks for the comments though. :)

Ultimately, life is not black and white, therefore, the answers aren't always as simple as it seems.

Ultimately, the answers ARE as simple as they seem, its when we bring other people into our baggage its when it becomes complicated. So for now, if she's going through a divorce and you're in the midst of issues yourself, your right...you both need the space its going to take to grieve these relationships before moving on. For you, your child is your first priority in making him feel loved and safe.

First off take whatever necessary steps it takes to find your own place. Your ex wants to start it over again with someone new...that's her problem. Your problem is to remove yourself from the situation. You'll find you won't heal sufficiently if you want to eventually start a relationship with another woman if you're still in the battleground. You need tlc and only you can give to yourself right now.

You then have to retain a lawyer, get your child's dna done. Come on, 14 years...that's such a red flag you can start your own parade. This child is only 2 years old unfortunately if you're not in his life eventually he'll forget ya, his capability for memory is not that well develop yet, get the dna while he's young enough, or better yet, get yourself tested for sperm count...that should tell you if you have a problem or not. Even if you're on the birth cert. you may not have to pay child support for a child that isn't yours. You're not married and if he is yours, get legal representation for joint custody and child support payments in writing.

if you want to find yourself in a healthy place, great...but you have nothing to offer this other woman by sitting on your hands and claiming nothing is black and white, you have to start somewhere in creating that black and whiteness by moving out and taking care of your child (however that turns out), this is as black and white as its going to get. You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain by making good decisions that will put in a place where some of your issues will be taken care of and then you can move forward.

Don't worry about this other woman and don't move yourself to make decisions just so you can be with this other woman. This is about you now. She will get to her place at the right time and place.

As for your feelings for her, I would continue to be her friend and when the moment is right I would tell her how your feel but assure her that since you both have to deal with personal issues your prepare to wait out the situations until a time when you both can be on the same page. So start the ball rolling, make it work for you if you want this other woman enough, you owe to yourself, this child, and this woman to change those things that you can.

paris

This child is only 2 years old unfortunately if you're not in his life eventually he'll forget ya, his capability for memory is not that well develop yet, I am sorry, but I SO DISAGREE with this, dear Paris. Abadonment at this age stays with you forever. He won't even be able to put a name on it but it can be a signficant trauma to his little psychee... This is not the kids fault so don't mess up his life by taking away the only father that he knows. :(

To the poster, what you are feeling right now are hormones and a longing for connection. All perfectly understandable. However, :D take it one thing at a time.

First of all have you and your girlfriend tried counseling yet? If not please consider it. Even if the relationship is dead, it will help the two of you with closure and proceeding to the next step of separtion, communication regarding your son, and getting on with your life.

I agree, Yellowrose, one thing at a time. :)

And yes, I suggested counseling (not for saving the relationship) but she wouldn't have it...sort of person who is too proud to run to anyone else for help.

Thanks for the reply.

Just because your name is on a birth certificate does not mean anything nowadays. I could put the USA president's name on my child's birth certificate (I rather have no father listed on the birth certificate than put the name of good old Bush but then I would consider Clinton! jajaja) and it does not mean he is the father of my child. I still recommend a DNA testing.

I seen it so many times that a man mistakenly pays for child support for many years, and then finds out he is not the biological father. Or that the mother cuts all contact with the alleged father of the child, after the father is so attached to the kid and then father and child are in limbo, and it is a sad picture, so you better know early before you get shattered later.

I do not know where you live but it is not true that courts favors mothers. I am a family law attorney in Texas so I know what I am talking about. Both mothers and fathers have the same standing when it comes to custody. It is all about what is the best interest of the child, who has been the primary care taker of the child, and bottom line, who is willing to fight for a custody case. It takes money and time and then its one of the worst emotional turmoil to go through a legal battle of custody.

I have a feeling you are afraid to take a DNA test because deep in your mind you suspect you may not the child's father and you are very attached to your kid. I may be wrong but I have been doing my line for work for 18 yrs so I can read through the lines, so do what you have to do.

Sometimes a man wants to be the father of the kid and then the mother of the child, out of the blue, decides that, nope she does not want the man involved in the child's life and he finds out the hard way. So think very hard as what you need to do. He may be your kid after all but then, he may not.

I still wish you the best with your g/f's relationship but it does not sound good. It seems she wants out but she want you to make the move. She sounds she is dealing with lots of guilt trips and she does not want to take responsibility for what she has done to you.

My (non-legal) advise to you is, do what you have to do, but then try to be happy. Life is too short to live in misery.

Wishing you the best!

Abadonment at this age stays with you forever. He won't even be able to put a name on it but it can be a signficant trauma to his little psychee

I agree that abandonment is tramatic for kids, but up to the age of 5 kids pretty much can and will attach themselves to whatever adult is present who treats them and loves them well, you see it in children who are adopted within that age range all the time. Children adapt and flourish where much love is given from both parents, which is why most people like adopting babies or very young children. They will pretty much forget that they were for a time in a foster home or the people who took care of them at that time. They turn to that which gives them a familiarity of home and nurturing. Unless the adult in their lives were of malicious and abusive content which leaves more permenant scars...they do adjust and adapt.

And I say this because I'm willing to bet this child has already met with this other man, if she admitted being in love with him in 2005 and we're in 2006, I can't imagine she has not introduced or gotten this child ready to get used to accepting this other man as part of her life, after all its been a year. And I say that because of the way women let men into their children's lives with no regard to whose coming in. And if this child happens to be this other man's child and not Khro's, this woman is going to make sure this child bonds asap should all hell break lose. She's not thinking how it will hurt the child, many don't when they consider themselves in love...she's thinking that change will come and its better to adjust him now than later.

The only way this child will know of Khro in his life, is if Khro makes that extra effort to be in his life, but what if dna proves khro is not the father....will he continue to make as much an effort in this child's life when this child may be raised by his biological father...would the b/f want Khro in this child's life if he's trying to bond to the child...in that case Khro will be right...the courts would favour her because now she's with the biological father and it would be confusing to the child, so, eventually the child will forget Khro, as I said, the child has not form any premanent memory to remember khro, not at this time. If you taught him the letter A one day, he won't remember that letter 2/3 days from now (unless he happens to be a natural genius). Let's face it, most of us cannot remember when we were 2, what we were doing, who was in our life, being in a high child, etc...children at that stage attached on instincts not visually. That comes later when our brains are more developed.

Paris