Confused in a haunting situation with older woman

Hey guys,

I've got some serious issues going on here and can't really see a way out. Wonder if any of you could drop a word of advice?
Three weeks ago, I met an amazing woman, Rachel, in a bar on a pub crawl. She asked me how old I thought she was, I replied 23-24. As it turned out, she was thirty; in my surprise I gave her a hug and told her she was doing really well for her age, and made out with her. We've been going out ever since and have met up three times, twice for dinner and once for drinks. We got on like a house on fire, having so many common interests, hobbies, political and religious views, as well as having a similar upbringing outside of our home country.
Initially her age scared me off slightly, as she is 12 years older than I am. On top of that, she is a single mother with a four year old son. The worst of the case is, she dosn't know I'm the age I am, as she percieves me as 23, maybe I told her that when I met her as not to scare her off, I don't know.
The point of the matter is, I feel I'd never met a member of the opposite sex who I felt so much respect and connection to, as she's the only person I dated who could properly intellectually stimulate me and seemingly never run out of interesting things to say. In addition, I feel as if I look up to her as a person, and not down at her like other woman I've dated in the past her were more or less my age.
Now we come to last night, when things got messy. We went out to a fine Italian restaurant, and afterward decided on moving on to a few bars and then a club. She talked of, amongst other matters, how she brought up her son, Dylan. Again, her ideologies and principles flabbergasted me with how accurate they were to mine, and I told her so. As the night went on, we got closer and closer and ended up at her flat in a drunken shambles. This is where memories get blurry and start to fade, maybe we made love, maybe we didn't. All I remember is at 8am this morning climbing naked out of her bed and finding my clothes. She said I should go in a harsh manner, as she had "stuff" to do.. I remember thinking to myself while sitting on her couch putting my shoes on and stroking her cat that the cat seemed to enjoy my company to an extent much greater than hers at that point in time.
So I got kicked out, no kiss goodbye, no "I'll call you", nothing.
She won't reply to my text messages.
What happened??:confused:
My question is, how do I get through to her? On one hand I'm in no position to forget about her, we connect so well. On the other hand, I realise the inevitability of her finding out my real age. Also on the against factor is her age and the fact she's a single mother.


Any replies come greatly appreciated :)

Mark

the very fact that you say you looked down on other women before her shows your outlook on the female sex needs to be examined.

it sounds more like immaturity than macho man stuff, your post shows your age by your choice of words, maybe she is catching on.

i would back off if i were you, emotionally you are not helping this lady, one day you will grow up to realize that love does not come in perfect packages and or with or without children. when it comes for people who WANT it, they accept the situation and run with it.

your not at that point yet, plus you lied about your age, clean up your act.

I wonder if she felt some regret or guilt after the night you spent together and maybe she reacted in a way to protect herself, especially if she thought YOU might pull away first. If you two got along so well before spending the night together, there may be something there worth pursuing if she opens up a little to your attempts at contacting her. I would consider backing off a bit, but also maybe letting her know gently how much you miss talking to her and how great you thought the two of you were getting along. Maybe you are a little immature, but that's to be expected at 18...you sound like you do care and want to try to make things right. I do think it's important to be honest as soon as possible about your age. If you do some soul searching and do NOT have the strong feelings you think you do for this woman, it would definitely be best to let her go. On the other hand, if she is as important to you as you are expressing, then I would say don't give up just yet. Kitty is right about love not always coming to us as we exactly as we expect...but that can be what makes it so magical and enriching. She might not be what you were looking for....she just might be a whole lot more. :)

I know I am going to get slammed for this but since everything was fine until you got naked it could be the ole....he's got too little for me.....syndrome.

You don't know if you had sex? That is in itself odd. I have been mighty drunk before but I knew if I ahd done something. Course there is the blanked out theory but then again, you would think she would have told you if you had just acted like fool so...you got to go.

Nope I think its a sex thing.

I know I am going to get slammed for this but since everything was fine until you got naked it could be the ole....he's got too little for me.....syndrome.


Nah lol in this case size dosn't come into it, my past partners have generally complimented me on size and girth. Apparently males reach their sexual peak in their late teens..
Nyways, I reckon she might have gone through my wallet and found my ID which would explain a few things. I'm gonna wait it out a couple days and if she replies, I'll make an effort to talk what happened over with her and hopefully clear it up.

I'm sorry, but if I made love to a man who couldn't even remember whether he did or did not have an intimate experience with me, it couldn't have been all that good to begin with. I agree with whoever said this is a sex thing. I don't think it's about size though, I think it's about whatever behavior went on during the act.

Next time you connect so strongly with someone you like so much, you might want to consider having early sexual experiences in a more conscious manner. I don't know about other women, but having a passed out drunk in bed with me would be a MAJOR turn off.

is there something I"m missing here? From responses posted, it seems that everyone assumes you were the young drunk who passed out.
From the way you wrote your story it was BOTH of you. WE ..... ended up at her house in a drunken shambles. ......
Which is it?
I read your post to mean that both of you got drunk. You got an excuse. You're 18. She's a 30-year old woman who should know better. Does she have a drinking problem? You orgianlly met during a pub crawl (Is this another way to say an organized bar hopping)? YOu say she has all these great philosophies and ideals on childrearing, etc.......why is she picking up guys via bar hopping?
Things here just don't jive..... :confused:

DUDE, you got issues, why would you think the woman you just slept with would have the notion to go thru your walet? if someone said that to me the walet would be hitting the back of their head as i kicked them out the door.

honestly i am not violent, but want to get your attention, by your words you have some real unhealthy ideas about women, thats ok you are 18 but you need to put the brakes on your zipper and try taking the class of women 101, first get the respect part down, when you really have mastered that move on the class 102 developing a relationship based on friendship.

Or go ahead and keep practicing unhealthy behavior's and hurting yourself and other people.

I know from personal experience that it is possible to get so drunk that you don't know if you had sex or not. Three years ago, I spent the weekend with the bf I had at the time, at a hotel. He is an irishman and wanted to find an irish pub. We found one, and he met other fellows from Ireland. We were already drinking, but as soon as he met those guys, we bought them all shots of black haus, which is a very potent liqueor (spelling?). Anyway, they reciprocated and I had my first and probably last ever, shot of black haus.

Within minutes, I was so drunk I could barely walk. My bf had to call a cab and take us back to the hotel. He had to hold me up all the way back to the hotel room. It wasn't even dinner time yet, but I was too drunk to do anything but crash. So, I fell asleep and all I remember is that my bf said, "I'm going to go get something to eat". Next thing I know, it's the next morning, and I wake up completely naked. All my clothes were strewn all over the room. How I got that way I'll never know and I don't remember a single event after he told me he was going to eat.

So, just wanted to say that it IS possible to do things you don't remember.

I tend to think Mark may be right. I bet she looked in his wallet and found out his real age and is probably mad because he wasn't honest with her in the first place.

Age differences DO bother many of us OW at first. When I first met my current bf, I thought he was 17 years younger than me. That was difficult for me to accept, but then, when I realized that he was actually 18 1/2 years younger, I was stunned. In fact, I reacted to that news so badly, that I almost broke up with him in the middle of the park in Bucharest. :) And it was all such a ridiculous mistake... a miscommunication due to our language barriers, and because of how Remi calculates his age. For example, it's 2006 now.. but his birthday is in November. He turns 30 then. But, because this is his 30th year, if someone asks him how old he is, he says 30 even though he doesn't turn 30 for 8 more months.

Our situation was different in that it was mistaken communication. But, it's an example of how a woman can react to a larger age difference than she expected.

In your woman's case, Mark, I can imagine how she would be upset to find out you are 18. At your age, that's a big difference than being 23. She is probably feeling used and lied to at this moment.

I think the only way you can try to correct the situation is to now be honest with her about your age. Assume that is what she is angry with you about. And, explain to her the real reason why you lied. And, if you are genuinely interested in her, reassure her that the age difference does not matter. But, give her space and time after that and do not pressure her.

is there something I"m missing here? From responses posted, it seems that everyone assumes you were the young drunk who passed out.
From the way you wrote your story it was BOTH of you. WE ..... ended up at her house in a drunken shambles. ......
Which is it?


Spot on, a lot of people seem to be jumping to some strange conclusions here. For starters, it was clearly "we", as we got through just about as much wine, shots and ****tails as each other.



I read your post to mean that both of you got drunk. You got an excuse. You're 18. She's a 30-year old woman who should know better. Does she have a drinking problem? You orgianlly met during a pub crawl (Is this another way to say an organized bar hopping)? YOu say she has all these great philosophies and ideals on childrearing, etc.......why is she picking up guys via bar hopping?
Things here just don't jive..... :confused:



To say either of us have a drinking problem would be unfair. I see no problem with getting drunk on the odd occasion in a social manner; it's not as if we were drinking to get drunk, we were drinking because we were enjoying each others company and having a good time.
Why she was "picking up guys via bar hopping"? She's a single mother who wants to live her life and dosn't want to be constrained to being a housewife stuck at home every day after work. There's nothing wrong with going out to a bar with your friends, no matter what life situation you're in, it merely means you have something of a social life. In this case as well, I don't think the term "picking up guys" is really appropriate. At the time, my college society were on a pirate themed bar hop, and she was merely interested in why there were 40 tipsy students dressed as pirates in the bar, nothing more. As I said before, one of the reasons we hit it off so well is, amongst other things, because our backgrounds are so similar; I'm a brit who was born and raised in Germany and she's a brit born and raised in Africa, who has lived in Europe for many years.
Gotta admit it's not every day you run into a person like that. :)



DUDE, you got issues, why would you think the woman you just slept with would have the notion to go thru your walet? if someone said that to me the walet would be hitting the back of their head as i kicked them out the door.



I didn't tell her I suspected she may have, I'm merely putting trying to size up possible reasons for what happened yesterday morning.
Besides, she had in my view every right to do that, if she did I'm in no position to judge her about it anyway.



honestly i am not violent, but want to get your attention, by your words you have some real unhealthy ideas about women, thats ok you are 18 but you need to put the brakes on your zipper and try taking the class of women 101, first get the respect part down, when you really have mastered that move on the class 102 developing a relationship based on friendship.

Or go ahead and keep practicing unhealthy behavior's and hurting yourself and other people.


:(
Maybe I exaggerated a bit in my first post. I don't "look down" on woman and never have. Look a little closer at the words "intellectually stimulate" and "fine restaurant". How many 18-21 year olds enjoy both those things actively in a relationship? In my experience, a minority. None of the previous woman I dated could talk to me in such depth about what I enjoy reading about the most, Philosophy (existentialism, imperialism, checks and balances, ie. nietzsche), Politics (Are the conservatives the future for Britain?), Art and Music. Whenever I brought up either of these topics in the past they always used to just nod and smile. Now I have (had?) somebody who could critically assess my ideas and give interesting feedback.
You see, I never "looked down" on the woman I've dated in the past, they just weren't all that interesting people to me.

Two things I do agree with you on: whatever happened after getting back to hers in the wee hours of Saturday shouldn't have happened. I don't think there was any real intention of it happening due to the copious amounts of booze involved.
Second, the reasons behind covering up my age were simple. I didn't want to scare her away at the time in the bar three weeks ago; I thought at the time that if we started dating regularly, I should tell her the truth then, i.e after a bond had built between us. Therefore if we had only gone out for one date and decided we weren't for each other, no loss.



Next time you connect so strongly with someone you like so much, you might want to consider having early sexual experiences in a more conscious manner. I don't know about other women, but having a passed out drunk in bed with me would be a MAJOR turn off.



Again, let me stress that we were both as drunk as each other. Point taken though, it couldn't have been a pretty sight for either of us.



I think the only way you can try to correct the situation is to now be honest with her about your age. Assume that is what she is angry with you about. And, explain to her the real reason why you lied. And, if you are genuinely interested in her, reassure her that the age difference does not matter. But, give her space and time after that and do not pressure her.



Sound advice, I'll give it some time and get in touch with her maybe after she's cooled off a bit and talk to her about the issues.

Mark

ok, a mix up in words, i can believe that, but from your last post sounds like you are getting it straight, maybe you need to take this wisdom and go talk to her, put it out on the table and see what happens.

maybe it will work out, the next time you meet someone wonderful take this as a learning experience and act accordingly.

watch your words and also i still find it very strange that you think it is ok to have her go thru your walet?? i just did that recently with my husband and i have known him over four years, i was looking for my debit card.

Hiya - another Brit here.

Mate, I think with this case it's unlikely you're going to get any further- could it be that she is super embarrassed that she got so pissed she let you come back to her flat?

Couple of casual texts / calls and then if nothing, I'd drop it if I were you.

I lived abroad for half my life, so I know it's great when you meet someone with a similar background, simply cos it's nice to have someone understand you, have something in common.

If this doesn't pan out into anything, learn from it and become the sophisticated young man us women adore....

Good luck for future experiences with OW!

Sound advice, I'll give it some time and get in touch with her maybe after she's cooled off a bit and talk to her about the issues.

Mark

Hi Mark,

I am 38 and my husband lied to me about his age when we first met too. He was in fact 18, but told me that he was in his early 20s. Yea it was *not* a pretty freak out I had... It sounds so stupid right? What the heck difference does a couple of years make? I gotta tell you that there is a big difference to wrapping your head around an age gap and wrapping your head around an age gap with a teenager. A TEENAGER. Of course, my husband had the exact same reasons for lying that you had... I obviously forgave him, we built a relationship, and now we're married. However, he hung in there fiercely. It definately took his unrelenting commitment and confidence to bring me around.