What now? (Very Long!)

Hi all, I am new to these forums so I want to start by saying g'day. I will fill you in on my situation so far...

I met an older woman over a year ago (i think it was about 2 years now), at the time she was a friend/workmate of my friends girlfriend. In a word, stunning.. in two, intellegent & beautiful. Later started to talk to her and found out she was married with a new born. To me this meant, move on and find someone else (as much as I didnt want to). I did not know her age, but I guessed she would be about 25-26. Of course I did not want to ask, because that may seem rude.

Anyway, almost two years goes by.. I meet up with her again on a night out with the girls. All the girls were having a great night out, they met up with myself and a few other guys. Arrgh my heart just lept, I hadnt seen her in so long, and she looks to have not aged a bit in the time I havent seen her. She remembers who I am and we start to talk.

It approaches 3am and everyone is ready to leave the club, I was staying at my mates house, she decides to come back with us. Myself, one of the housemates and her decide to stay up for a while, listening to a few tunes and talking. From 4am till about 7am the housemate and her were talking about religion (of all topics!). I didnt have much to say as I dont know much about nor do I follow any religion closely. Housemate goes to bed at around 7.30 and we are both feeling very tired at this stage, still just sitting on the couch.

She starts to talk to me about all sorts of things, also metioning that her marriage is now very fragile. I didnt know what to say, I told her that things would work out in the end. Now its about 8:30am, shes about to head home, shes sober (although tired) she only lived a couple of minutes away. Before she left she asked if I mind, could she have my phone number! I was a little shocked but I gave it to her anyway.. At this stage im thinking.. she likes me?

Throughout the week I get a few text messages, which I took light heartedly and I continued to make jokes about her 4am religious debate. This week she calls me a few times, and continues to text me, so now I know shes interested (at least on some level).

2 weekends later, we have a barbecue and a few drinks at the same house. This is where I found out she was 31 (I am 23). It was about 12am when the owners of the house decided to goto bed, we stayed up talking and drinking. One thing lead to another and we ending sleeping in a spare room, things got heated, do I need to say more.

At this stage I'm thinking "woah what have I just done?", I felt a bit guilty. This doesnt sound at all like something I would do! She told me afterwards that she had been thinking about me since the week before, finding out from people what I was like and what I was into (in their eyes). She left around 9am to go home (everyone was still asleep at this stage) I saw her off, we both smiled.
I went back inside, went into the bathroom and washed my face with water, then I saw the marks! I had love bites all over my neck and chest! I didnt know how I was going to hide these.
I went back to bed but was woken up by my mate at about 10am (he hadn't noticed any marks yet) I get up, he offers me some breakfast. Just as I went to sit down to eat, he asked me what had happened to my neck with a smile. I just went red. He calls out to his girlfriend and she comes in the room, looks at me and doesnt say a thing (She doesnt approve!).

Im sure the girls wouldve spoken about what happened the night. I waited for a message later that night, well I got one.. It wasnt bad either. She doesnt regret what we had done. This was good, I was concerned about the husband finding out what had happened, she assured me they were at the stage where they slept in seperate rooms and they would speak 2-3 times a week at most, he wouldnt find out.

A few weeks pass and we still talk every day. She had a meeting about an hours drive south in another town and asked if I didnt have a busy schedule, would I like to join her. That gave us time to talk a bit more in person. She told me about her life, how she has a son, and more in depth about the marriage (or lack there of) she also had alot of questions for me about my life, asking about my previous relationships, etc.

As they days go on we continue to meet up, talking and enjoying each others company.

This is the part where things start to become serious.. Her partner moves out, they talk about a divorce...

Another week goes by, she invites me over for dinner. We eat, talk, drink some red wine and talk some more. Before you know it its 12am (she has to get up for work at 5.30am), she asks if I would like to stay and I do.. Things get heated again and one thing leads to another, etc, etc. Its 4am before either of us are ready to sleep.. I feel bad for keeping her awake for so long, maybe I shouldnt have stayed? In the morning she looks tired, yet very happy, I love her smile.

We meet up a couple of times a week and end up doing the same thing, still talking all the time. I cant stop thinking of her!

Through all of this, my friend and his girlfriend (the one who didnt approve) break up. I didnt see this coming, nor did he.

She tells me her partner is going to finish moving the rest of his things out on the weekend. This is the weekend where things went a little strange. There was words thrown between them, very heated arguments. I went to see her after he had left, she looked very stressed. I told her it wasnt going to be easy, she told me she wanted a bit of time to think about whats going on and what happens next. She tells me that my friends ex is moving in and going to stay with her for a while. I didnt think much of this, if anything I thought it might take her mind off things or help her through these times.

As the days pass we still talk just not as much, I dont want to pressure her to see me and I do want to give her some time. The friends ex g/f has moved in with her now.

Things started to change, I didnt get invited around, I asked to see her and she told me she would love to catch up, etc, etc. Although we continued to talk, we only met up once more. I get an email from her saying shes not ready to do the boyfriend thing yet. I fully understand and I thought it would be best to let things settle a bit before anything happens.

From there things got worse, she cut down on text messages, and even cancelled meeting me one night. I still messaged her and called her every now and then and she was happy to speak to me, even told me she thinks of contacting me every day, but she cant!

At this stage im thinking "why cant you?" and I asked her, she told me she was affraid of getting into something so soon after her separation which I thought was fair enough. It was going to take time, which I was fine with, I would wait weeks or months for her without any problem at all. It is so hard to find someone that is so intellegent and doesnt bore me!

Rather than message her like I was doing, I decided to wait till she messaged me.. Two days later she messaged me wondering why I hadnt contacted her and even called me from work, she suggested meeting up with me on saturday night. I thought great, she IS still interested!

I messaged her saturday and asked what she was upto, she told me she had been out with her room mate that morning and may even be going out that night, I thought I might see her out then.

I didnt get any messages back.. I started to worry.. Hours go by and still no message. My friends were going out that night anyway so I went out with them anyway.. I could always see her if she contacted me later.

We turn up at the pub.. and I see her sitting next to some guy.. she looks drunk and he looks like hes going to make moves on her.. My heart just shattered, so many thoughts were running through my head at that moment, I felt so ill.

I spoke to her briefly, although it was hard to hear with all the noise she did look suprised to see me and she hugged me. The guy had gone for the moment and her house mate came over said hi and took her away.

I dont know what came over me that night but I just wanted to talk to her, so I approached her and tried to get her attention, the guy was back and he looked like everything was going his way. She saw me but didnt bother to approach me, I did get her by herself and I talked to her, asked her how she had been and what she had been upto today.. She told me she had been to a barbecue with her housemate (and housemates boyfriend). I asked about the other guy and she assured me he was just a friend from work (at least thats what i heard, it was loud, she was slurring words). I had never seen her drunk like this, it angered me to think this other guy was continuously buying her drinks and feeding them to her given her state. :mad: He was on a mission.

Both of the girls left the pub (with guys) and I was in no mood to drink or try to have fun, so I left too. It was 11.30 when I left, I went for a drive to clear my head. No good, I went home and straight to bed but I couldnt sleep.. :confused:

I havent heard anything from her, nor have I contacted her.. I felt so helpless lastnight, there was nothing I could do.


Im asking anyone please, what can I do, is it over? should I contact her? Should I leave her be?

I cant eat or sleep, im realy hurting...

I am so sorry to hear this R82. My heart goes out to you. As difficult as this is to hear, I think you need to stay away from this woman. I understand that you care very deeply for her but think about it. She is not on stable ground and you could get hurt far more later on than you are right now.

The hardest thing is to walk away . . but do it now.

I agree with Cindee. You know, sometimes when someone starts a new relationship while they are still married, it does work out. But, quite often, it doesn't. There is usually a lot of turmoil associated with divorce, even when it's one that you wanted. And people need time to sort all of that out before they can commit to a new relationship in a healthy way.

She has already told you she is not ready for a new relationship. She really does need time to sort things out on her own.

So, yeah, it would probably be a good idea for your sake, if you decided to just let things go for now. And, then who knows? Maybe once she has her life straightened out, you two can start fresh in a more healthy situation. But, until then, I think you do stand a good chance of getting hurt if you don't stay away from her for now.

Best of luck to you and I'm so sorry that you are hurting. :(

Thanks for your replies.

It's a shame though, we connected on so many levels and she even told me I'm not like other guys shes met before (which was a good thing).

I've let her how I feel, so I'll sit back and see what happens.

She is still very obviously in pain (hence the drunkeness) from her marriage. She's right in that she's not a good candidate for a relationship at the moment. She knows you, she likes you. That's all the information you really have at the moment.

I would take an attitude of watchful waiting. I wouldn't wait around for her, but I do think I would (and this is ONLY me talking, I'm not saying it's a great piece of advice necessarily) either talk or write to her and say "hey, i know you're going through a very hard time right now. i don't want to disrupt your grieving process over your marriage. i'm not going to call or text unless i hear from you, but i do want you to know i care about you very much." then leave it at that. You've said your piece, and then you need to move on with your life. If she reappears, great. If not, it wasn't meant to be.

Good luck, you sound like a great guy.
Kat

Yeah mate, what they said...

It sounds like she does like you, but that she's in a place where she's pretty confused and hurting. She likes your attention, wants to be with you even (hence when you didn't get in touch with her she wondered why you hadn't), but she knows she's not in the right place at the moment Starting a relationship with her right now is not a great idea, she's clearly not ready for it yet if she's so hesitant... so wait it out. And someone else even better might come along in the meantime, you never know!

I feel for you though, for when you saw her in the pub with that other guy. This friend of hers doesn't seem like much of one if she let her get into that state with another guy sniffing around when she's so vulnerable.

I too think it sounds like she is into you. Just not good timing right now. I would write the little note/email and let her know you will be there if she needs you but...you are going to allow her to grieve. Even if the marriage was dead long before it's just a confusing time. And...unfortunately she may kiss a few frogs along the way. Sounds like you two had a special connection and that doesn't go away by itself. I would relax and I feel sure you will hear from her again and this will be the new improved version.

I may be off base here but the X g/f she is living with doesn't sound like a good influence on her. That appears to be when things started going freaky. Of course the seperation was about that same time, so who knows?

I wrote her an email yesterday explaining how I felt and how akward the other night was. She must have read it this morning and sent me a text message at 8am telling me she would call me tonight.

She called me in the afternoon, and told me she felt realy bad, did not realise how I felt towards her and she wishes she could make me feel better (but she cant), etc, etc.

About an hour after our conversation, I still wasnt feeling any better. I decided to send her a message.

I told her, thanks for calling me, i still have alot on my mind, but its just something im going to have to get over. I will stop contacting her to give her the space she may need, she knows how I feel now and I guess Ill wait to hear from her again.

(The reason she did not call me at night was because she was having people over for dinner... Makes me wonder if she knew this before she messaged me at 8am? or if it was just something organised during the day?)

unfortunately she may kiss a few frogs along the way

Update

You were right about frogs, the guy who was feeding her drinks the other night (when she had already had more than enough) does in fact work at the same place and it got back to me today that he is bragging about "nailing her". I had already suspected this from the behaviour shown on Saturday night!

I had asked today for her to not hold back and to be honest with me (which included had she been seeing anyone else) to just tell me how it is. She mentioned nothing about this when she called tonight :rolleyes: although she did mention that she was awfully tired from lastnight. She told me the same thing after the nights we spent!

I happen to know a few people from her workplace and two people have already told me what is being said around the office. They all believe he is a sleaze.

Hurting is fading, Anger is rising. :mad:

They say it takes at least six months for a person to recover from divorce before they are emotionally well enough to invest themselves in a relationship and for the most part I think that's true. Even if she is the one that initiated the breakup, she will probably still be dealing with a lot of emotions right now. And she might even behave irrationally (as you've probably noticed already). She has to grieve the loss of her marriage before she can move on.

You sound like a really nice guy and I hope it does work out for you.