A plea for help with my marriage...

My wife and I (we're 39 and 36 respectively) have been together for 11 years and been married for 8. We have 2 children, ages 3 and almost 5, and my wife tells me that I am a great father and I feel I am as well.

The truth is...I have not been the perfect husband for much of this 8 years. I have had a penchant for hanging out with my friends and, during some of these outings, wind up drinking too much and either staying out all night or coming home way too late. Cumulatively, this had obviously been detrimental to our relationship.

Over the last 2-3 weeks, however, our marriage has reached a crossroads. She has told me that she feels as if she is in a mid-life crisis. She is back working full-time after nearly four years of being home with the kids only working a part-time job. Her current job is demanding and she feels she doesn't get enough time with the kids. This, coupled with my indiscretions, have made her question her entire life. She was in a bad marriage before me and left him because of abuse. I think she may be scared that she has made another bad decision.

Over the last couple weeks, she has wavered with her resolve. She has made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that she will not live with an alcoholic...period...and I then feel that we're moving forward with my promise of an alcohol free lifestyle without the hanging out (I haven't had a drink in two weeks). On the other hand, she will make ominous comments such as "I don't know that I can live like this", "I'm making really good money now", "You will always be a part of this family" and "You know I'm not vindictive...I am not interested in your money."

These comments above, came last night on the way home from dinner. All day yesterday, however, and most of last week, the situation had seemed to level a bit. We were even talking in future tense by revisiting our desire to purchase land and perhaps a boat. We've talked about how we're going to pay down the credit cards with our taxes to free up money for a beach vacation this June. Before sleep last night, we even agreed to go to church today.

My question is this...is the wavering good or bad? I know this may be difficult to surmize because there are probably variables that I have failed to articulate. A lot can happen in a decade. I can tell you that my love for my wife is as great now as it was the day I met her and the day we were married. I have been faithful and will continue to do so. The thought of losing her gives me the most unconscionable feeling I have ever experienced...I feel absolutely empty and on the verge on panic when I hear or think of a life without her.

I quit smoking in Oct 04 because I did not want my children to smoke. I quit drinking two weeks ago because I could not imagine my children rehashing or reliving this utter feeling of despair. Quite honestly, this entire dilemma has put the fear of god in me and I am the type of person that, when faced with adversity, will always overcome. I honestly feel I can conquer the alcoholism and I can become, not just a better husband, but the perfect husband.

Where are we??

I moved your thread to the OW/YM Relationship Support forum.

I think it's only natural for her to waiver. She has concerns about your marriage and is trying to figure out what she wants to do. But, it does seem odd that she would throw out comments like "You will always be a part of our family" if she had already agreed with you to stay and work on the marriage. :confused:

Do you feel that your communication with her is clear and thorough between both of you? It just seems to me, from reading your post, that the two of you need to communicate more with each other.

Have you considered going away for the weekend alone together sometime? You need to have a place where you two can go to talk and focus only upon each other so that you can get all the cards out on the table.

If she does want to continue to work on the marriage, try introducing romance back into your relationship. Do things for her to show her that you care about her. Surprise her with flowers. Try to do whatever you can to give spark to your marriage. But, THE most important thing is honor your commitment to stay sober. For her, for your children, AND for yourself.

Take care and I hope things work out for you.

But, it does seem odd that she would throw out comments like "You will always be a part of our family" if she had already agreed with you to stay and work on the marriage. :confused:

Very odd. Perhaps this is, or even partially, a scare tactic? If so, it has worked and will continue to work...I am petrified.

Do you feel that your communication with her is clear and thorough between both of you? It just seems to me, from reading your post, that the two of you need to communicate more with each other.

One of the things I failed to mention. I don't feel we communicate enough. This, in part, is because I have been irrational in the past when we talk about our relationship which, is typically when I come home after being out and it's late or I'm enebriated...usually both. You're right, this needs to change for the positive.

Have you considered going away for the weekend alone together sometime? You need to have a place where you two can go to talk and focus only upon each other so that you can get all the cards out on the table.

We're supposed to go on a weekend getaway the first weekend of April and the beach in June...both of which, however, will be with the kids. We should still have some time to discuss things.

If she does want to continue to work on the marriage, try introducing romance back into your relationship. Do things for her to show her that you care about her. Surprise her with flowers. Try to do whatever you can to give spark to your marriage. But, THE most important thing is honor your commitment to stay sober. For her, for your children, AND for yourself.

I have begun this...I made a flash greeting card for her using about 50 photos of us and the children that fade in and out and culminates in a very heartfelt message stating my love for her and my choice of her over everything. I will look for other romantic overtures as well.

Please, keep the insight coming...it's very comforting getting advice!

Get thee to a marriage counselor. . . post haste! May I also suggest some substance abuse counseling or AA for you as well!

Kudos to you for wanting this marriage to work . . . and the fact that you can recognize your behavior is a big plus. Do not hesitate. I speak from experience. My ex refused help until I had already grieved the loss of the marriage and my best friend (him). By then I was unwavering in my decision to leave. Once I left, he gave up on getting help.

My thoughts are with you . . . .

Get thee to a marriage counselor. . . post haste! May I also suggest some substance abuse counseling or AA for you as well!

Kudos to you for wanting this marriage to work . . . and the fact that you can recognize your behavior is a big plus. Do not hesitate. I speak from experience. My ex refused help until I had already grieved the loss of the marriage and my best friend (him). By then I was unwavering in my decision to leave. Once I left, he gave up on getting help.

My thoughts are with you . . . .

Thank you. She did agree, a couple days ago, to see a counselor. She wanted some sessions for herself though, prior to the both of us.

One thing I failed to mention and it could be important. I just recalled that on the way to dinner last night, she asked if I am planning to attend an AA meeting. I stated that I hadn't planned on it because I was resolute about quitting. I figured that if I could quit smoking cold turkey, I could do the same with alcohol and I truly believe it. Perhaps I should go anyway??

It's definitely a good idea to go to AA even if you have already stopped drinking. AA will help you realize WHY you drank and what you can do to keep it under control. Your wife apparently feels you have a drinking problem. Demonstrate your commitment to remaining sober for both YOURSELF and to HER by going to AA. Then, take it a step further and really open your mind to what AA has to offer. Embrace it and allow the ideology to enter into your brain and heart. In other words, don't just go because she wants you to go. Go for all the right reasons -- because it will help you in the long run.

Obviously by her offhanded comments, your wife has certainly contemplated life without you. I think your drinking is non-negotiable at this point. If you started to drink again, I think she'd be out the door, or you'd be out the door...

Alcoholism is an incideous problem. You didn't drink in a vacuum. You drank for reasons. Just because you've quit drinking, doesn't mean those reasons for drinking have vanished as well. I agree....go to AA, and go to counseling with your wife. These are beginnings. You have a lot of work to do on yourself, and your marriage.

Any way this turns out, your kids deserve the best. You say you're a good father, but a good father doesn't stay out drinking with his buddies on a routine basis, so you have some re-evaluating to do about the meaning of fatherhood as well.

The steps you have taken so far are all positive....keep it up!

please please take this very seriously . this could well be your very last chance , if it is not already too late . if you really really want your marriage to work , you must become sober and remain sober , you must learn about this problem , how it happened to you and how you can stop drinking and be happy , a few days or a few weeks without a drink are a great start but believe me you need all the help . support , education and eplanation you can get . AA if full of people who are very experienced and informed about alcoholism and it is quite likely that most of your mates are drinkers and completely blind about alcohol . you must be too . you say you have been faithful in the marriage but actually alcohol has been your mistress. you have let down , neglected and betrayed your family for this mistress . please dont take this in the wrong spirit , i speak as a woman who loved her husband very very much , but who eventually had to call a halt to the marriage after 26 years . and then its too late . please dont let that haopen to you . go now and do whatever it takes . god bless .

I can tell you that my love for my wife is as great now as it was the day I met her and the day we were married. While the love for your wife is still there, your selfish actions meant that you loved yourself more. Just because you think she is leaving you are willing to make some changes. When you are comfortable again that same man will struggle to go back to his old ways UNLESS you work on the INNER MAN. Get thee to AA right away. :)

Also, you can't wipe away years of being a jerk by 2 weeks of no drinking. Sure she is waivering. Have you ever promised to change before and then went back to your nights out?

Change is darn hard! You are being too idealistic to think that you can do this all by yourself. But reaching out like you have done here with us, is a great step forward. So get some counseling and go to AA regularly. Good luck! ;)

Get thee to a marriage counselor. . . post haste! May I also suggest some substance abuse counseling or AA for you as well!

Kudos to you for wanting this marriage to work . . . and the fact that you can recognize your behavior is a big plus. Do not hesitate. I speak from experience. My ex refused help until I had already grieved the loss of the marriage and my best friend (him). By then I was unwavering in my decision to leave. Once I left, he gave up on getting help.

My thoughts are with you . . . .

What she said. 100%. I asked my husband to go to marriage counseling for years; by the time he finally agreed to go, I had already grieved the loss of my marriage, too. If your wife hasn't checked out of the marriage, you'll learn excellent tools for rebuilding the foundation of your relationship together.

I think it's good for BOTH of you to go through individual counseling in addition to the marriage counseling. And if you're quitting make sure you're doing it for yourself as much as you are for your wife and children.

Good luck -- please keep us posted.

no one is going to give you a quick fix for this. a.a. will teach you that you need to quit drinking for YOURSELF, you are gonna get your own set of resentments if you are doing all these things to hang on to what you lost.

for some reason you have not completely lost everything you hold dear, GOD.

you got some major damage repair to do, get a support group pronto or one more SLIP and you may have unsurmountable damage.

get to an a.a. meeting today. you need support and they will guide you on how to handle the situations with your wife. its not all about NOT drinking, there is great life lessons to learn there.

a great love cannot be replaced so easily, your wife deserves the best you already gave her your worst, you both could be major losers from splitting.

I am praying for you and send my love, now make some hard choices get out of your selfish mode and get help. dont think about stigma or whether or not you are an alcoholic you dont have the choice to be picky, you got alot ahead of you and positively it could be the start of the life both you and you family always deserved. now get crackin.

Might I also suggest that you look into Marriage Encounter. The original was initiated by the Catholic church even tho many other denominations do have a program now. But I have heard from those who have gone that the Catholic is the best of the lot and you do not have to be Catholic to attend as many of the attendees are not.

It is only for one weekend and, of course, one weekend will not fix the problem, but will certainly give the two of you a complete weekend of candid communication and maybe set the stage and give you a jumpstart on resolving the problems you have in the marriage.

I do hate to see any marriage dissolve if there is any chance at all of recapturing that which brought you together in the first place. I do think one of the real questions here lies with where her feelings are. You have indicated your feelings very clearly, but has she indicated to you that she still loves you and wants to see the marriage continue, albiet in a new direction? This is important for you to know.

Do check this out: http://www.wwme.org/

Good luck to you and your family.

you got to where you are at because of your reasoning. time to leave it to people who put love, marriage, family first. learn from them.

you have been given a one in a million chance to save a marriage, love, trust and family. please realize you are doing God's will here and can change lives if you make the right choices.

I guess what you would call my husband is a functioning alcoholic. He drinks every day of his life. Some may remember my story from a couple of yrs. ago. I seperated and met my YM but my family intervened and I went back to my husband. Here I've been ever since. I have tried numerous times to talk to my husband about his drinking, slow down, etc. About 2-3 months ago we had a discussion about it again. I just stated-I don't know when you are going to admit you have a drinking problem. You're health is at risk, blah,blah. His remark was...I don't have a problem. (I'm thinking, oh my....yes, you do.) Well I had been counting beer cans at night. Isn't that ridiculous on my part. But I wanted validation in my mind that there was an excess. He was drinking anywhere from 6-8 beers per night. And this is to my knowledge, maybe more. I noticed after I called attention to it, it got less. Or he was hiding it more. Whatever I don't care anymore. No longer counting. Just don't care. I have been working on getting myself in a position to leave. It may take a while but I'm getting there. I just got my Real Estate license in Sept. and have gone to work. I wouldn't have to support myself because if we sold the company it would be enough to live on the rest of my life. This is something I wanted to do for me. It has felt so good too.

Think about this...it gets disgusting to go to bed every night with someone that reeks of beer. Even though my husband isn't a falling down drunk..it's disgusting for him to tell me incidents at night only to repeat them in the morning because he doesn't remember telling me the night before. Even the way he turns the beer can up to drink is disgusting. Do you want your wife to think of you like this?

ps. a few months ago a guy unloaded a bunch of problems on me. i brought them to my husband. he saw threw the guys problems and said that to give him his number and he would put a man's perspective on the problem.

course it was long distance since he was deployed. no matter, go to guys of faith, sayin you want to go to church and actually putting your a$$ in the seat is just words, you need to brave and show your wife you mean what you say.

you got everything at stake here and i am prayin you make the right choice.

I can tell you exactly what is going on. She is doing exactly what I did. She is done buddy. No amount of marriage counciling is going to help put your humpty dumpty marriage back together again. We loved you through thick and thin and truly thought we would forever, but one day and we are not sure exactly when that day was but we looked at you and, we were done.

You need to prepare yourself for a new life. Because we are.

~shannon~

I can tell you exactly what is going on. She is doing exactly what I did. She is done buddy. No amount of marriage counciling is going to help put your humpty dumpty marriage back together again. We loved you through thick and thin and truly thought we would forever, but one day and we are not sure exactly when that day was but we looked at you and, we were done.

You need to prepare yourself for a new life. Because we are.

~shannon~

oh yeah this is so true. And sometimes...the men realize too late when we women become distant...nothing at that point can undo. It dies a slow death for a long time.

We Cant Speak For Other Women.

You Have Been Given Good Advise And Good Solutions, Act On Them And Get Back To Us, What You Have To Share Can Help Others.

I agree with Kitty, everyone is different and the dating game out there is not exactly a bed of roses so staying in this marriage and working it out as best you can is hell of alot better than trying to get to know someone new all over again.

Now you have to faith in the two of you and a belief that you both can make this work. Its baby steps but those steps are major.

One of the things I would stress is to go to your wife and apologize. At this point in your life with what's at stake, you need to come clean with your behaviour and let her know that you are aware that you've sunk this relationship into the ditch and that you recognize your part in putting it there. Apologize for not being a very good steward over the most important relationship in your life. Through communication you can let her know that you are sincere and ashame that you have not participated in this joint stewardship between a husband and wife by taking responsibility to nourish and protect, and care for your home, love and life.

Being a steward implies that you will improve on whatever has been entrusted to your care. Stewards are managers. And in marriage we are often given joint stewarships, such as children, fidelity, and the day-to-day maintenance of family members. We are expected to improve or enhance what we have been given. Ultimately there will be an accounting of one kind or another of our various stewardship. So if you apologize with a contrive heart and with real intent it can only strengthen your relationship with your wife, letting her see that you are at a place where you are ready to be responsibile for this blessing you've been given.

Paris

Hi cdsn..and welcome to ageless! I'm sorry to hear about your marital problems..but hey, at least shes still there, and there's noone else involved (ie other lovers etc). You're probably in with a fighting chance. I'd say ignore the waivering and be positive....positivity tends to be the best kind of outlook in these kinds of situations....it will rub off on those around you, like your wife.

It sounds like the drinking is only part of the problem. The other part is the absenses with your friends which sound like they left her feeling abandoned on numerous occasions. That must have been tough as a stay at home mum who probably heavily relied on your company and help with the kids...thats what most likely upset her the most. You haven't mentioned whether this is something you would be prepared to change for her?

Just another thought...I suggest being careful with the promises you give your wife regarding drinking etc. It might be unrealistic to think you can walk away from two major addictions during a rocky patch in your marriage without any relapses. I think you both need to be realistic about this. In the end, she might not mind you having a couple of beers here and there if you be more present and reliable as a companion...what do you htink?

One thing I failed to mention and it could be important. I just recalled that on the way to dinner last night, she asked if I am planning to attend an AA meeting. I stated that I hadn't planned on it because I was resolute about quitting. I figured that if I could quit smoking cold turkey, I could do the same with alcohol and I truly believe it. Perhaps I should go anyway??


You better do the AA and hope it works....I hate to say this but the same thing happened with my marriage , only it wasnt just the alcohol...it was all the abuse that went with it....the not feeling like I could say anything that mattered, the feeling that I was unloved. The distance he put between us before I decided the distance was MINE!.

When I finally got to your wifes point there was no turning back....and even after admitting he had a problem and admitting he needed help...he never got it, me...i moved on and I have to wonder if he had actually followed through with the "help" part if I would still be with him....we would still have our boat and be trolling off into the sunset together. I wouldnt be thinking of materialistic things at this point property and boat, they are all nice and lovely but until you get yourself back on track dont add those things in the mix. Honestly the only thing that might have saved my marriage was if he had actually shown me he wanted to change...grant it, it was more then alcohol that broke us up....but like you admitting you are alcoholic is very similar to him admitting he had anger problems. Only when it came down to getting help.....he said I was the one that needed the help!
I got help alright....I helped my self to a younger man that is loving and caring and hasnt a mean bone in his body....sure I am scared, the boat is gone, I am lucky to have a roof over my head, but I am loved and cared for and told how beautiful I am everyday....the distance I put between me and intimacy is now gone......boats and property will come or not? At least I can say I am no longer lonely.


Wendy

Wow! I glanced at this thread yesterday and my intention was to address the handful of replies at the time but now...! Instead, I'll just give an update.

Sunday morning began with a bit of stress. I woke up at around 6am with the perpetual knot in my stomach after maybe 3 hours of sleep. The kids awoke at around 9:30, eager to attend the Sunday morning service at church. In retrospect, the stress was equal to any morning during which we're attempting to get out the door with minimal time to spare. I was ambiguous with her decision to go even though she loves attending church. We haven't been in a while and I was surprised this was an option after the night before. Was it because of the kids, for her, for me, for us? Nonetheless, I was glad we were going because it was a beautiful day and we were together as a family.

After arriving and ushering the kids to the child care room, we sit and face forward in, at least from my perspective, a somewhat awkward fashion. The entire morning, I was on eggshells. I did not want to say the wrong this. I simply maintained a positive and placid air and would flash an occasional smile. During the service, I found myself more engaged than ever before. I felt a certain sense of pride and a revelation that this is what I want moving forward. It felt liberating. The comments that she had made the night before seemed to dissipate, albeit for a moment. I could sense that she shared my sentiments. After the service, there was a luncheon and we had a great time...the kids were having a great time and the smiles were then reciprocated. On the way to grandmas after church, there were at least two occasions where she rubbed my arm while I was driving. I told her there was an AA meeting at 3:00 and that I wanted to attend. We had a nice visit at her mom's and after a couple hours she interrupted and said that we needed to go because I have a business meeting I needed to attend. We leave and, after more touching and small talk in the car on the way home, we walk through the door and we hug and I then leave for the meeting.

The meeting was great...extremely nice people...very genuine. On the way home, we exchange phone calls, she tells me she is proud and I really begin to get a warm and fuzzy feeling. The rest of the evening was equally as pleasant. This morning, as she was getting dressed for work, we exchange pleasantries and I love you's as well.

So, here I am at work, a few hours later and I feel much better about the relationship. At the same time, there is an admitted undertone of uncertainty but my desire is to maintain a positive attitude and just keep moving forward. I can honestly tell you that I have never been as resolute about something as serious. I CANNOT see myself regressing. I love my wife and my children TOO much to F up again!

There were a couple of replies stating their opinion that it was over, that she had already grieved the relationship. I'm not foolish enough to believe that this is not true and I sincerely appreciate your insight as well and I apologize on behalf of every degenerate man out there. I, on the other hand, know deep down that I am a good person with a good heart. Unfortunately, too often I have pushed the envelope and have invariably learned the hard way. Perhaps this has truly changed me once and for all...it absolutely feels that way and I feel that I have been given a LAST chance. My eye is on the prize!

Sounds good. Am glad things are going well. Sounds like you are keeping your priorities straight and you are proving to her that you mean what you say and that you are doing what you say you will do. These actions will demonstrate to her that you are sincere about your intentions. She will gradually learn to trust you more and more as time goes by. But, remember, don't rush to the ending before you do all the work you need to do in the middle. Remember, one day at a time.

Absolutely...one day at a time. I just had a conversation with her an hour ago and she I got more of the same...a couple comments that were semi-ominous and a couple that were promising. Again, I still have a sense of ambivalence but I will remain positive and continue my path...there's no other choice.

Can someone recommend specific romantic gestures? You can find list after list on the internet, obviously, but I should probably be careful at this point. Any ideas here?

I applaud you. Just from my perspective...I would work on the ME part right now and not push on the romantic. She'll think you're trying too hard. (that's the way I'd perceive it) I think when things continue as they are for a while and she builds the trust again the romance will follow. She'll give the cue if you will watch for it and then you could do some romantic stuff.

Just my 0.02

Good advice, thanks Sara. Things are looking much better each day since I posted. I'm cautiously optimistic and on track with myself. I'll provide updates along the way if that's ok?

I agree with Sara. I think you should focus on yourself right now, getting you fixed and healthy takes top priority. If you try to throw all the romance into the mix, I'm afraid you'll be putting too much pressure on yourself to be perfect and when we do that, we sometimes set ourselves up for disaster.

Focus on yourself, staying sober and maintaining a positive attitude. Continue to love your family and be there for them. The romance will come back later.

Shan

Can someone recommend specific romantic gestures? You can find list after list on the internet, obviously, but I should probably be careful at this point. Any ideas here?

I agree with not pushing the romance factor, too, but I do think you can nurture your relationship with your wife by spending quality time alone with her. That, in and of itself, does so much for a relationship. So, maybe at least find a babysitter every now and then, and take her out so you can spend time together alone. But, obviously, keep your main focus on remaining sober.

You know what...big fat (hugs) to you. I'm proud of you for quitting smoking and quitting drinking...That is HUGE! You should feel really about yourself for the things you have done and the progress you have made. It's not easy, but your doing it!

I do think that marriage counseling would help. It would be a "safe" place for both of you to openly express what you thinking and feeling. And you might be surprised to hear what your spouse has to say..I know I was.

So try to take that step. We did counseling both with a therapist and with our minister....both were helpful.

And Im glad you feeling better about yourself and about your marriage. Walking on eggshells never feels good... :)