New to this and terrified

Greetings to all. I found this forum by doing a google search and am relieved to find that there are people that are not only going through the same thing I am, but are handling it much better. I'll make the story short. I'm 41, and the YM in question 30. I'm divorced, he is never married. Both of us have established careers - in fact, he's very established in what he does, and also very successful. Not only do I like this man, I marvel at what he's been able to accomplish at such a (relatively) young age.

I feel greedy, impatient, and at times, even foolish for very allowing myself to get involved so quickly. We've only been seeing each other for three months (we are exclusive), but I feel myself slipping along the slopes of the L-word. I know thathe loves me - you just know, don't you, sometimes? - he's slipped up a few times. I don't think I've ever had such an intense connection with another man in my life. I don't know if it's his age that makes us both more open with each other, or if it's just who he is. I realize on a very logical level that it's too soon to be thinking about the future, or even discussing what's going to happen, and believe me when I say it's not the age difference per se that matters, but the point I'm at in my life. Obviously, I need to considerif I'm going to have a child soon, so the future is very much an issue. I sort of do need to know where this is headed, so I don't end up blaming him one day for sacrifices that I chose to make. I'm also terrified of getting so deeply involved that I find it impossible to ever walk away. And it's getting to that point. I haven't cared for another person, other than myself, so deeply in a very long time. Maybe ever. I think the fates have a bizarre sense of humor ...

Any advice? Similar situations? Help.

you act like you've never fallen for anyone before. why not tell him what you wrote here , at least you will find out if he feels different before you totally fall for him, I think it's as obvious to him as it is to us by now & he would've said something by now if he didn't feel the same. You are already passed the point of no return anyway, I seen that before I even finished reading your post. I hope he knows what he has & doesn't take it for granted like I did.

Have fun & good luck!

...hard, isn't it?

I decided that as he is younger, it was up to him to say it first. Took him 3 months, during which I was tearing my hair out.

Last night, he told me 'you're the love of my life'! Jajajaja!! :D

But believe me, the first few months of us was v nerve wracking and made me feel SO insecure.

Luckily, a good ole read of Ageless got me back on track - look around this board, and you'll find your situation isn't unique and there are others who have felt like you (me included) and time seems to be the thing - 3 months is still so new!!

Happy for you - good luck.

Hi Namaste

My partner is 20 years younger than me at 21. We have been together only a few months and yes, it has been up and down. There have been some fantastic, mind blowing highs and a few very deep and lonely lows. I find Ageless helpful when it's a low time. It reassures me I'm not alone.

Having any sort of relationship is a risk. Putting yourself "out there" is scary but it can also be so rewarding when you get it right.

Good luck!

Dusky

Many thanks to all who've responded. I've been wandering through this forum, reading other people's stories. Wow, is all I have to say. There are some lucky couples here. One thing I've noticed is that none of the ladies here look older than their beloveds; maybe all these YM keep you all young! :)

Oddly enough, YM and I have had conversations about a lot of issues, but age seems to be the one thing we dance around with respect to the child issue. If I were 35 or 36, things would be much different, I think. Today we talked a lot of things out ... he seems to think that I'm ashamed of him. I felt awful, as this is so not the case. I simply haven't introduced him more fully into my world because having learned from past experiences, take it sloooooow.

I'm still waiting for the "L" word. I would love to hear that. And no, I've never quite fallen for someone as intensely as I've fallen for this wonderful man. Maybe once before, and that was my first love, when I'd just graduated from high school.

Thanks all for understanding. And being here. You'll get to hear me whine a lot more before all is said and done. No doubt about that ...

n.

Many thanks to all who've responded. I've been wandering through this forum, reading other people's stories. Wow, is all I have to say. There are some lucky couples here. One thing I've noticed is that none of the ladies here look older than their beloveds; maybe all these YM keep you all young! :)

Oddly enough, YM and I have had conversations about a lot of issues, but age seems to be the one thing we dance around with respect to the child issue. If I were 35 or 36, things would be much different, I think. Today we talked a lot of things out ... he seems to think that I'm ashamed of him. I felt awful, as this is so not the case. I simply haven't introduced him more fully into my world because having learned from past experiences, take it sloooooow.

I'm still waiting for the "L" word. I would love to hear that. And no, I've never quite fallen for someone as intensely as I've fallen for this wonderful man. Maybe once before, and that was my first love, when I'd just graduated from high school.

Thanks all for understanding. And being here. You'll get to hear me whine a lot more before all is said and done. No doubt about that ...

n.

You need to tell him how you feel. He needs to know and you certainly need to know his reaction to it. If he feels the same, you can save yourself a lot of hand wringing and worrying. And if he doesn't feel the same, then you need to know that so you can move on before you get in any deeper.

If both parties to a relationship dance around the issue of feelings, then you are both going to be blind as to where you really are.

I believe honesty is the best policy here. I hear a lot of women say they don't want to discuss their true feelings with their guy because it will scare him off. Well, if it scares him off, do you really want to be with that person? Is it better to just wander aimlessly through a (maybe) nonrelationship and not have any goals in mind at all?

It's not easy to throw your feelings out on the table, but someone has to make the first move and if it has to be you, then so be it.

Good luck . . . but you two really do need to tackle the issue instead of dancing around it. :)

i can relate. i'm 39, he's 31. we've been together for a year and half. he told me he loves me 7 months ago, and it's just been getting stronger and stronger. i've never had a more intense relationship with anyone both emotionally and sexually. i get what you say, though, about children, and the possibility of being so attached that you can't walk away. i'm scared too, and i don't have any answers for you. i can definitely, most definitely, relate.

Peachy - We talked about it yesterday, esp. the children issue. He told me that he'd never considered having children, and was leaning toward not. This makes me feel considerably better, because I emphasized (repeatedly) that there might be a time, relatively soon, when I would be incapable of giving him a family. He seems to be okay with this - not having children is not a dealbreaker for him. (BTW, we went over a list of dealbreakers while we were at it, and it was typical stuff like cheating, long-term lying, basic mendacity, etc.).

Rojas - Ever wonder if it's just worth it? ;) I think about YM and the intensity of my feelings for him. I told him that I thought in his case, at least, that I only had one very big love, and that I didn't think I could split my affections between him and a child. And I meant it. I don't want to risk our relationship suffering, or risk inadvertantly putting him on the back burner. I cannot see how I could ever possibly love even a child as much as I love him. That's honest. At the same time, I need to know what he wants out of life, what he expects. That's only fair, right?

I cannot see how I could ever possibly love even a child as much as I love him. Love isn't something that is in a box and you only have so much of. I would think that you would love the child just as much because you see him in her/him. Just something to think about... :)

namaste...
Welcome to ageless..and go ahead and whine all you want around here (I sure have) ! :D

You sound like an articulate, genuine, compassionate woman who has found the potential of lasting love with a great guy. It has only been a couple of months, so for sure you both are in the infatuation stage (where you still only see perfection in each other)...but give it some time, take it slowly as you are (I think that's SO wise) but do GO FOR IT! Your age difference will most likely not proove an issue at all for you two (it's miniscule)...and he is a full fledged adult at 30, so things look really positive. Be honest with him every step of the way, and since there are no red flags...love without reserve.

I agree with Barb about having enough love for both a child and husband...although they are different (one is unconditional and forever, the other may or may not be). What I do want to say is that I understand your relief about not feeling compelled to have children because of how that may impact your relationship. Raising children for 18 years is NOT a piece of cake. Your LOVE is not divided when you have them, but your AVAILABLE TIME AND ENERGY IS. Frankly, I'm relieved to think that children would not be a factor of consideration in the relationship with my ym (I'm 49) because, sort of like you, I am mindful of the quality of time I want to be able to spend with my partner. I've raised my sons, and now I want the kind of spontanaeity, travel options, time-intensive focus to be on the man I love for the rest of my life from here now.

I get it.

Yellow Rose -- Fellow Texan here, BTW. :) On some levels, I do understand what you're saying, and that's the tug. I do love him so very much that my nesting instinct has kicked in enormously. I also worry about something happening to him, and being left without a little piece of him to love. Which is probably morose thinking, but I sometimes see the glass half-empty.

Special K -- Yes, it is the time element involved, and that's for both of us. Because of the nature of his career (and to a degree, how it affects my own life), raising a child would prove to be very difficult and taxing, as we only seem to have the time for each other. I want to have quality time with him that's "just us." I know that I should probably feel as though I'm being selfish, but I really don't.