In Love and Confused

I am a separated woman who was in a 25 year relationship. I decided to break it off and venture on my own. I am 44 years old and met a wonderful guy who is 41 years old. He has never been married, and the last time he had a girlfriend was about 5 years ago. He has his own business, his own home, and two paid off vehicles. We met last Sept. on an on-line dating services. We fell in love immediately where we were together for 40 days and 40 nights right at the beginning. We both confessed our love to each other right away. We made plans for our future, he made arrangements to fill his house with my things, and so forth. Then a couple of months later, it was like he woke up from his dream and realized that he was going to fast and wanted to slow down considerably. There was no more "i love you's', there was some distance between us, but we remained intimate friends. He spends considerable amounts of money on me, saying that I am the only one that he spends so much money on. He is extremely passionate and considerate, and will do anything for me. He gives me his vehicles to drive and I keep for weeks at a time. He gives me his house keys, his alarm code and the run of the house. I feel like we are married. But the major problem is that every couple of weeks when things are running so so so smoothly, he looks at me and tells me that he is so scared. He then would not call or see me for a couple of days. He would hide, until he is ready to come out again. I have gone through this with him three times. Each time wondering what I have done wrong, does he still likes/loves me, and what should I do. This guy is so terrified of commitment, its driving me insane. Everyone around him is happily married. I have been introduced to all of the people in his life. Again, I feel like we act like we are married already, except when he runs away every now and then, and leaves me stranded, and wondering. What shall I do. We don't live together. I don't want to lose him. I do not talk with him about committment but every once in awhile something might slip. A word of love, or marriage...but only accidental. Gee whiz I even have to watch what i say around him, so i don't frighten him.

Any suggestions?

I am sorry that you are suffering so much, but, frankly, I don't think that you have any right to expect commitment from him. You are married! So, you can't make a commitment yourself. That may have something to do with his attitude. What do you think his opinion of you is? Does he approve of a married woman having an intimate relationship with another man? Starting a serious relationship before one is divorced doesn't work for most people. I am single and would not even consider dating a separated man.

If your situation has nothing to do with his wishiwashiness, then maybe your relationship has just burnt its way down to the booty call stage. One way to find out is to have a keepaway period. Give him back all his vehicles and keys and agree to a couple of weeks apart so that you can both sort out your thoughts. Then, see where you both stand.

One thing is for sure--you really should finish your marriage before starting another serious relationship. Wash up your dirty dishes before you start cooking the next meal!

I agree with Patricia that you should get a divorce soon. There is no point in remaining married if you are dating.

I think that the reason that your bf has never been married is because he does not want to get married. Words of endearment are beautiful but commitment is more than words. Reading your post I think that you are very special to him, but if he does not want to get married the only thing you can do is either accept the situation realizing marriage is NOT a possiblity or break it off.

Many long term relationships start like this, without commitment, and love makes them last. On the other hand many commited relationships, marriage and all, do not last even one year.

One way to find out is to have a keepaway period. Give him back all his vehicles and keys and agree to a couple of weeks apart so that you can both sort out your thoughts. Then, see where you both stand.
I think that he is the one who keeps having keepaway periods so I do not know if a time-out started by you would make any difference. To me this is just a situation of "take it or leave it". Something you should find out is what does he do when he is away? Does he date others? This is important for your decision.

That sounds kind of heart-breaking; I'm sorry to hear that things started off so well for you and now everything seems confusing.

I have no clue what this guy is all about....at least he's admitting to feeling scared and maintaining the contact. I wonder what hes afraid of? He might be afraid of committment in the general sense, but have you explored the idea that there may be some aspect of the scanario which would make it difficult to commit to you personally?

Just some questions... Do you have assetts of your own? An income? Children? If you moved into together, would there be a finacial burdeon on him? Would he have to look after your children etc?

I think the others all have wonderful suggestions. This constant back and forth must be tough. I think that the two of you need to have a heart-to-heart and talk about your future goals - what each of you want and also about your divorce - is it in the process?

Whatever it is that is bothering him, you need to talk about it so you can move forward instead of being stuck in this yo-yo.

Also - get that divorce sorted out and done with.

The next time he needs a cooling off period, then wait till he comes back and then you do the same after about a week, don't even tell him it's coming, not like he tells you, or gives you any warning.
My fiance (ow/ym) has periods where he gets so wrapped up in school that he forgets to call.
I wait about two days and then I don't call him, I turn off my phone completely for 2 days.
I've only had to do this a couple of times, cause as he says when I talk to him again, " Okay I get the point, I'm sorry for being a thoughtless jerk."
I don't agree with the whole, * well ya'll are married thing* No your not, I believe in the whole dress, tux, piece of paper thing.
Have ya'll talked about a prenuptual agreement? that may be one of the things that is keeping him from committing.
My fiance comes from money, his mom has even accused me of being a gold digger.
He says he doesn't want one but I have insisted that before I walk down the isle with him that by God we will have one.
You bring it up, tell him that you do love him and you feel in your heart of hearts that you will be a forever type of deal, but in the event that it doesn't last forever you love him enough to want to make sure he and yourself are protected.
Talk to a good lawyer, ask your friends who they would recomend and don't listen to your female friends who try and tell you that your crazy for bringing up the prenup thing.
This is the year 2006 it really is about protecting you and yours and him and his.
Hope it works out for ya.
**Hug**

I am sorry that you are suffering so much, but, frankly, I don't think that you have any right to expect commitment from him. You are married!

I don't see where she said that she was married... :confused: All I saw was that she was separated.

I'm separated from my ex of eight years but we were never married. I don't see why she doesn't have the right to expect committment from a man she is dating.

Read "Men are From Mars: Women are From Venus". He's acting just like that!

I'm assuming you're not married. If you are, you need to get divorced before expecting any kind of serious, long-term commitment from anyone.

Here's what you need to do: TALK TO HIM! Tell him all of your concerns in a very non-confrontational way. Here's what I'd say:

"Honey, I feel so close to you. I've never felt such a close connection to anyone else in my life. I love you so much, and I'd never do anything to hurt you. All I want from you is to know that you love me and want the same things out of this that I want. Sooooo, what is it that you want out of this? I'm not in it for the money, I'm in it because I love you, I love spending time with you, and you make me happy. What do you feel about me or want out of this?"

If he was hurt really bad, it might be YEARS before he fully puts his faith and trust in you, but in that case, you'll have to go to counseling, with or without him.

Good luck!

Maybe I am just too jaded. I think he is cooling off because he is seeing someone else at those times, maybe from out of town.

If he was saying "I love you" in the beginning, but isn't now, I would find that too painful.

Just my 2 cents.. :(

Spontaneous, your guy sounds a lot like an ex-boyfriend of mine. We met when I was 33 and he was 40; we dated for 5 years. Every time we got close to co-habitating or started talking about marriage, he could hold his own for a while but then he'd start to fidget. Eventually, he would do something to create a huge argument and back our relationship up a few steps.

Bottomline is that he's a huge commitment-phobe. In the end, I felt like the guy in that story where the tailor makes him a new suit and one sleeve is too long, so the tailor tells him to just drop one shoulder a bit. But then the hem on the other side is too short, so the tailor tells him to lift one hip a bit. And on and on, further into contortion because I did love him deeply and I felt if I just helped him to feel a little more comfortable, that he'd exhale and quite freaking out.

I know that this man loved me with all his heart and we had and would have continued to have a wonderful life together but he was petrified of commitment. In my opinion, at this point in life, the 'whys' are not important. If your guy is a commitment-phobe, he just is. You don't really want to spend time 'fixing' a guy at this point in your life, do you?

Again, he really does sound like my ex. It sounds like he's set up the boundaries/parameters of your relationship to facilitate his comfort level and his needs, to the point that you're worried about saying the wrong thing.

If the relationship is satisfying to you as-is, stick around. If not, it might be time to free up your time to meet someone else.

I think this relationship started too hot and heavy. You've only dated for about 6 months. Your relationship was based on chemistry and phermones, and now reality is starting to seep in. I'd guess SG is right, he is a commitmentphobe. These guys are SO easy to figure out.....just back off, and they come right towards you. Get close and they move away. Only you can decide how long you want to play.

I think this relationship started too hot and heavy. You've only dated for about 6 months. Your relationship was based on chemistry and phermones, and now reality is starting to seep in. I'd guess SG is right, he is a commitmentphobe. These guys are SO easy to figure out.....just back off, and they come right towards you. Get close and they move away. Only you can decide how long you want to play.

The back and forth game gets tiring pretty quickly. But then, most games do.

You described the beginning of a lot of relationships accurately, Kat, and 6 months is still fairly 'new'. In a vacuum, it could be 'normal' rubberbanding. But given all of the other things that the OP mentioned, it just smells like fear to me. The fact that he used to say 'I love you' and he no longer does seems like bad news, to me. Plus, as Yellowrose said, that must be painful.