Moving to Arizona.....

I don't post all that much on the forum. But I do read everyday from here....Not sure if you will remember my situation from months back. I'd met a wonderful man who I loved dearly. My daughter who is grown didnt want me to leave Florida to be with Jeff in Arizona. Well she and I had a very long talk.I told her I wasnt leaving her.we would still be only a plane ride from each other.The way we communicate now is by phone or computer.That would never change.

So I'll be leaving for Arizona the first week of April..I think how things can really change in time.If anyone had told me a couple years back, I would fall in love with a man who had three teenage boys, was 2500 miles away from me and was 10 yrs younger. I would of told them they were nuts! :D It's hard to believe I could ever be this happy. I really thought I would spend rest of my life alone. After my divorce 6 1/2 yrs ago I intended to do just that.. Until I met Jeff and saw just how special he was..

Am I nervous? Alittle.....Jeff and his sons have been on their own for over 10 yrs. No female in the house what so ever..The kids mom left them when the youngest was 6 months old. Leaving jeff with 3 sons all under age of 5. So this will all be alittle different for me. My kids are grown.My son is at UF and my daughter is married. But I'm really excited about it all.Any advice from others who have married a man with children?

Wow, winddancer..I'm happy for you! It sounds like you've found a great man who loves you very much. Any man who would raise three children from such a young age on his own deserves a ton of respect (just like we women who have done the same thing deserve)...he's a rarity.

I have not married someone with teenage boys....but I have two of my own ! :)
I think the dynamic between you and them should be easier than if they were girls. Teenage boys seem to be accepting of the step mother role as long as the woman is kind, doesn't assume a parenting-position on issues of importance (leave that to your husband), and approaches the relationship with them from a friend level rather than an authority level. Leave all the parenting power to Jeff, otherwise resentment could creep in from the boys.

I work intimately with teenage girls on a daily basis for my job...and I "own" two teenage boys :D . I think boys are more forgiving, non dramatic and go-with-the-flow than teenage girls on average.

Best to you and your new happiness and family. I'm sure it will all work out beautifully!
Karen

I agree with what Special K says. I didn't marry someone with teenagers but I did have teenagers when I got married. I had several people disagree with our step-parenting philosophy but after 2 1/2 years of marriage (my husband is 13 years younger) I can say it works very well for us. Here are my personal tips, some of which are probably obvious.

1. Do Not Parent!!! The only time my husband disciplines the kids in any way is for the kind of thing any adult in their right mind would step in and deal with, even a stranger. Offspring about to electrocute himself? Do something similarly stupidly dangerous? Okay, time to step in. If some horrible fight breaks out mention it (as opposed to reporting it) later to your partner if you think it's important. Make sure if he brings up anything that occurred when he was not home he doesn't indicate that you have ratted on them (very difficult.. probably better not to say anything if you don't think he will be able to let it slide).

If you find that situations arise constantly that you feel are out of control when their dad isn't there and that you need to deal with then you will need to rearrange your schedules so you aren't put in that position for the first year. There may be some testing to see if they can mess around more when you are there.

2. Be a nice enough but not in-your-face adult in the house. That's it. Don't try and win them over, they will sense you are working at it. Just be friendly but let everyone have their own space.

3. Don't make ANY change in the house for at least a year. Any. If there is change that MUST be made have your partner do it. This includes changes of rules, moving furniture around (except in your bedroom) throwing stuff out, replacing stuff.. I read a book about step parenting once and I couldn't believe the stupid examples. One woman moved in and got rid of all the tatty, ugly man-chosen furniture and replaced it with nice stuff that you could now no longer eat food while sitting on. Ummm.. she just changed a major dynamic in the house relating to EATING, a very personal thing.

As to the rules, I would strongly advise you to try and live with them even if they suck as far as your values/style goes. Live with them for a year. Wait until YOU are no longer "new" before you make anything else new.

4. Carve out YOUR own space. Because this is their house and you are just going to be slotting in (and even if you don't agree with my suggestions at all you will still feel like this at some point!) you need your own space that doesn't take anything from their space. This might be your own room or just an active social life outside of the family. Have a place to go and be that doesn't involve the teenagers. That might be hard work when you have had to move but if you feel any stress building up ask yourself if you have your own space.

Anyway, GOOD LUCK!! Don't sweat the small stuff OR the big stuff if you can possibly avoid it. Be gentle with yourself, it will be an adjustment. And yes to what Special K said, GIRLS would be a much bigger challenge :)

Thank you special K and arietty for the great advice. I'll be sure not to change anything at all. I know its going to be an adjustment. I mean they haven't ever had a female living in the house with them.Their grandparents (mothers parents) live not to far..We are planning in the future to get another place.....a bigger place. That will take sometime though.
The adjustment wont only be for them........it's going to be really different for me.I've been alone now for 6 1/2 yrs. Just me and my animals. the only place I plan on doing alittle decorating will be the bedroom. I have alot of my native american things...and i'll just have them in there. I'm alittle nervous and scared.I just want to do this the right way. I have to agree my daughter was alot harder than my son.. again thank you

My late husband was six years younger than me, and he had two teenage boys when we married. The advice offered by the others is right on.

Do not try to be the parent. That's his job.
Have serious heart-to-heart discussions with your fiance regarding discipline, responsibilities, etc. and make sure the two of you are in agreement.
Do not be the doormat, maid, or caretaker either.

You might want to prepare by reading a book, such as "Family Rules, Helping Stepfamilies and Single Parents Build Happy Homes" by Jeannette Lofas, CSW, founder and president of the Stepfamily Foundation.

If I was a step parent, given all these rules and regulations, I would feel like I weren't actually part of the family, but an outsider never allowed to blend in. Don't make changes, don't discipline the kids, don't act like a member of the family? I guess it's a good thing my fiance doesn't have any kids because I'd have a really hard time with all those rules and regulations.

If I was a step parent, given all these rules and regulations, I would feel like I weren't actually part of the family, but an outsider never allowed to blend in. Don't make changes, don't discipline the kids, don't act like a member of the family? I guess it's a good thing my fiance doesn't have any kids because I'd have a really hard time with all those rules and regulations.

They are not rules and regulations they are common sense and in fact a lot easier to "do" then coming in and trying to parent children who are not yours. It puts the children, who did not ask for this or fall in love with the new person after all, first. How would you feel if you were 15 and a step parent moved in and started making rules you'd never had before and telling you what to do? It's much better to be in the position of say, an aunt who while loving the kids will not step on the parenting already going on even if they would do differently themselves.

Well I lived through the "evil step mother" thing at the age 12.... My mother had laid down to take a nap one afternoon.(been to the Dr. 7 days previous and got a clean bill of health) and had a cerrebral hemmorage. I was 11 and my brother was 9. My father ended up not being able to cope very well without her......and remarried within that yr. to a woman who mentally and physicaly abused us. I mean a real nut case. we lived through *ell that year. Telling me things a kid should never know about their parents..and calling my mother a *hore..well you can guess how that went over with me. It got very bad, and in all that my father did nothing until people started threatening him......Then him bringing my brotherr and I to my grandmothers to be raised.....and never seeing him again for another birthday, chirstmas or any holiday.
Believe me I plan on not going in and changing anything in these boys lives. Truthfully , yes I will be nervous for awhile. But I remember so well how scared my brother and I were to have someone come into our lives.It will be so new to them to have a female presence in the house after so many years.I just wished my step mother could of been a friend and not some crazy woman. I plan on being their friend and listening when they want to talk.