New here and need advice.....

I hope that you all will give me your honest opinion on my situation. Sorry but it's a long story so bare with me. I am 22 and my OM is 43. We have been seeing each other for about 2 years. He just so happens to be my boss, he's married and has 3 kids and one very unexpectadly on the way. I know this sounds crazy but please listen to the rest of the story. When things first started we both didn't know what to think because neither of us has ever been unfaithful before. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever think that I would be in a situation like this. In the very begining of our relationship I wasn't really sure how he felt about me. I knew he cared about me but I wasn't sure exactly how much until about 2 months ago. Him and I have always had a connection. He told me that he was in love with me and that he could forsee me being his wife and a step mother to his kids. Believe me, him and I have both thought what the hell are we thinking and we have tried to put an end to us but we can't. I truly feel like I have found my soulmate that man that can be my best friend, my lover, and my companion. When I think about my future I can't imagine it without him in it. I know this sounds lame but I feel like he completes me like he is my other half. A month ago him and I were having one of our many serious in depth conversations and he told me that he was getting things in order to seperate from his wife. They both know that it would be best for everyone involved if they did however, on Valentines Day his wife found out that she was pregnant. I was crushed and so was he. His marriage of course has taken another turn for the worse. Neither of them wanted this at this point in their lives. I think to myself that things will work out in the end but it's just going to take some time. I'm in the process of Nursing school so I won't be done until another 2 years from now. He want's me to get my education and have my own accomplishments. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I could ever love another man the way I love him. Please help!!!

Sweetheart I'm not going to judge you for your actions. I just beg you to look at the situation. Even if he does divorce his wife you would be responsible at least part time for 4 kids. That is an incredible task at best. Plus can you imagine the child support that he would have to pay. All I say is take a good, hard, long look at things. I'd suggest telling him you need some time...without everything being so much in turmoil maybe you can see the real picture.

Ok... I'm not going to tiptoe and tell you what you "want" to hear but I'm going to be quite honest with you. You are involved with a married man... and that is offlimits.. No matter what...

First of all... He has a baby on the way..and a family who probably doesn't realize their husband and dad is cheating....You need to remember also if he can lie and cheat on the ONE woman he claims to love and adore and cherish til death due them part you don't think he'd cheat on his Mistress? Unfortunatly I do believe you have fallen for the wrong person.. does it happen? yes.. do I understand? yeah... but what I don't understand is since you know he's married why you would even consider even LOOKING in his direction. Remember someday YOU will be a wife and a mother and Would you want your husband doing this? His actions don't speak well for this guy to me he's a lying cheater...

My honest advice is to leave and maybe look for another job... Thats a MUST... However..... If he loves you as much as he says he does he would be divorcing his wife and once the divorce is final then and ONLY then a relationship between the two of you can exist... However you need to think of his family and what this will do to them if and when they find out... THey are having a child soon together and that baby needs both of them

Boy, Meralove, you know how to tell it like it is!

I'm normally a blind advocate of YW/OM relationships, but this time I have to agree with the consensus here. Your pursuit of this relationship will, at the very least, ruin five lives and result in four children, including a baby, growing up in a broken home. This is serious!

As the father of a 1 y.o. myself, I am very sensitive to the needs of babies and small children, and that baby needs his mommy and daddy.

Boy, Meralove, you know how to tell it like it is!

.


Yeah I try and be honest as I can.. Unfortunatly sometimes you have to to Help someone ;)

I...A month ago him and I were having one of our many serious in depth conversations and he told me that he was getting things in order to seperate from his wife. They both know that it would be best for everyone involved if they did however, on Valentines Day his wife found out that she was pregnant. I was crushed and so was he. His marriage of course has taken another turn for the worse.

Huh?

1. How does getting his wife pregnant fit into the plan of getting things in order to separate? (Let's see... we'll get things in order to separate... so if I get her pregnant that will make our marriage worse and she'll be more anxious to separate?)

2. Why was he crushed that she is pregnant - getting pregnant is one of things that happens when you have unprotected sex? Most 43 year olds know what causes babies.

3. Why has her being pregnant caused his marriage taken another turn for the worse? Does that mean the separation is now imminent? Hmmm... seems like they get along well enough to make a baby.

4. What is your basis for thinking "things will work out in the end" and when is the end?

I don't agree with those who say you are screwing up his marriage, I think he's doing a pretty good job of that without your help. Actually, he's getting some help from wife -- they know they should end the marriage but "decided" to get her pregnant anyway? Since they got her pregnant (you didn't), it's not your fault that his marriage has taken another turn for the worse! (Well, I assume it was him that got her pregnant... that may not be a safe assumption, but it's probably safe to assume that you didn't do it.)

See, when you cut away the rhetoric, it really doesn't matter that he's married -- bottom line here is that the man you think you love got another woman pregnant during this wonderful connected relationship with you. "Your" man is screwing another woman and he got her pregnant. That's the reality check, not the fact that he's married.

You don't know what to do? I have one idea... tell him that you are pregnant and see how that affects your relationship with him.

I have another idea: ask him to answer questions one through three. That will help you to answer question four.

Red Flags everywhere in your relationship. The OM whom you say cares and loves you is still having relations with his wife. This means that he is still either A) wanting to be with her or B) is carrying on the affair with you in as much secret as he can. Either way it has been 2 years now that the two of you have had this affair? When it is safe to say enough is enough?

Can you honestly see yourself taking on the duties of being a part-time mother for 4 young children? Not to mention the reality that someday you may want one of your own?

You are still so young and trying to build a life and a career. You need to take the authority and the responsibility and the care to YOURSELF and really think about this. Love is so very powerful but you need more in life than just love. I can understand you are feeling much pain for the emotions you share with your SO but you must think clearly on this.

I wish you the best, but in all honesty you need to move on from this.

-Nibbles

I haven't seen anyone say it's "her" fault for breaking up the marriage.. Of course it's him He has ruined his marriage.... Even if he stays with his wife it's still ruined in my eyes... HOwever she does play a small part in this KNOWING that he is married and still wanting it to continue...

I feel bad for her because she's in a very bad situation and I just pray that she can see how she deserves pure, honest, and true love in her life with a man that will commit himself to her 100%....

My thoughts alright. He is with you and still gets the wife pregnant? So he was double deeping but with 2 different women....

My dear, I am not going to pass judgment on you but guess what, in due time you will get over him and fall in love again, that is, if you leave him, otherwise in due time you will be in misery...

Bottom line he is using you, hard to accept it but that is reality. His wife did not get pregnant by immaculate conception, only the virgin Mary did! So they say...

I am not trying to be sarcastic but then how did the wife get pregnant? Artificially insemination? Can you imagine him have sex (not to say making love) with his wife? Is that how much he loves you? Just questions you need to ask yourself.

I would not trust a word your OM would say to you.

You are young and you will heal in due time. Take care of yourself and take care of your future. What lays ahead with him does not look bright!

I wish you the best of luck but move on!

You are young and you will heal in due time. Take care of yourself and take care of your future. What lays ahead with him does not look bright!

I wish you the best of luck but move on!

This is the BEST advice....

Thanks everyone for your advice. It definetly has me thinking.

We are all going to disagree to some degree.... I will always feel that The one IN the marriage is the one that is mostly to blame.. HOWEVER the second party involved isn't innocent...
however to some extent knowing he is married and Not letting go is a helping hand of the marriage failing....

But when someone is married the one they are cheating with once they are married should respect that as well....THATS the part I don't agree with....

If my husband cheated on me I would FULLY blame him.... if the other woman did NOT know about me.. I wouldn't care... Honest I Wouldn't.... HOWEVER if the other woman KNEW about me and knew we had a family and didn't care.. I WOULD FULLY blame both....How do I know? I've been in that situation... and it hurts very badly...

I don't agree with those who say you are screwing up his marriage...

is therefore revised to...

I don't agree with those who would say or imply that you are screwing up his marriage...

You have put yourself in a huge mess. There is no future in the mess you find yourself in. I'm sure he's loving every second of it, but for you, it is nothing short of a giant disaster.

The sooner you get a grip and back-out of this deal, the sooner you can hope for a normal life. The only thing you can expect from this relationship is that you will make a complete fool out of yourself and worse, lives can be ruined. I hate to yell, but your need to hear this!

There is a BIG clean switch you can flick to make this all better. Switch the relationship with the married guy to the OFF position. Then, walk away and don't look back. THERE IS NO OTHER SOLUTION!! You are young and you will find love again. And PLEASE! for your sake, don't run out and fall in love with the very next guy you met. Just get out of this relationship (like as soon as you read this), and then just be free and hang out with your girlfriends and yourself. You need some time to mature and breath a bit.

You've simply made a big mistake. We all make mistakes -- you just need to correct this mistake as soon as possible (like as soon as your read this!) :(

Just do it!

If Loripop cheated on me (snowball's chance in heck of that happening), I'd fully "blame" myself. Doesn't matter one iota whether the other guy knows about me - that's a total non-issue. I certainly don't live in constant fear that some young stud is going to steal her from me. (Although I wouldn't blame him for trying. LOL) I actually think I know how to prevent that from happening and it doesn't include holding her (or him) to some rules.

I've said it on this forum before. Invoking and promoting rules about the sanctity of marriage does very little to keep the marriage together and the false sense of security the rules provide sometimes is the very thing that causes the failure of the marriage.

As long as we're having this somewhat off-topic discussion, I would also point out that there's a "truism" that appears on this board regularly that makes zero sense. "Once a cheater always a cheater." Huh? So the reverse of that is "Once faithful, always faithful?" Ah! Apparently we are somehow genetically inclined towards faithfulness or cheating... and at the mercy of those genes and the hotties who tempt us? That the behavior of the cheater's partner might be a factor doesn't enter the equation? There's a reason for all this cheating, and it's not simply that people aren't respecting marriage. I actually believe that some people "deserve" being cheated on... bring on the tar and feathers.

When a poster appears on this forum and admits to some level of involvement with a married person, we are quick to drag out the rules as if somehow it is oh so simple and all so black and white. We do love playing judge and jury as long as it doesn't get too complicated or require too much thinking.

I'm the thorn in the side, because I think 95% of the time if you remove the marriage factor, the problems are fundamental relationship problems. Marriage has never been a solution to a relationship problem and marriage certainly doesn't prevent problems from happening. Conversely, sometimes marriage "causes" problems because it makes people lazy.

Chirogirl,

He's still in love enough with his wife to have sex with her (obviously it's been recent). If that is the case and now she is pregnant, YOU have the opportunity to influence him to put this marriage back together. If I were you, I'd strongly suggest to him that he and his wife go to marriage counseling and work on getting the marriage back up to speed. He "fell in love with you" because there are issues in his marriage, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he should leave it. Many times cheating in a marriage is a symptom of a loss of emotional intimacy between the partners. The 'once a cheater, always a cheater" adage is not true in my experience, either, as Wallypop pointed out.

As for you, make it a learning experience and stay away from crossing the emotional boundaries with married men. You definitely need to get another job or transfer to another role in your company away from your lover/boss. Feel good about the fact that you walked away and didn't cause further damage to his marriage. It's a noble thing to put others before yourself.

Thats why people handle issues differently.. and I think that we should all be true to ourselves and to our advice... YES everytime someone is involved with a married man I think it's something they really need to get out of no matter what... No matter what the reasoning for the demise of the relationship or marriage...and I will always give my support and advice the best I can.... thats whats great about boards is that we can bring other persepctives to other people...

On the boards I think people all have different opinions and Yeah sometimes it is true that Once a cheater always a cheater IN SOME INSTANCES some people just can't be faithful.... depends on the situation.. do I believe it in all instances?? NOPE... However I think we need to also see that others have other opinions and thats what the board does...even if you agree or disagree....You always talk about others who post here and our advice...and how on this board we disapprove of cheating etc... However I just think we are a board with diverse opinions some here don't approve of cheating and some are more accepting...and thats ok...

I'm not promoting cheating, I'm promoting healthy relationships and I do not believe that healthy relationships are defined by the absence of cheating...

Let's please get back to the issue the poster is referring to on this thread. The accusations and bickering is pointless to the posters question. This person, who has a ligitimate concern in her life, is being subjected to a lesson on ethics. Are we here to preach or give guidence with compassion? We need to listen.

To the poster. Your situation is one that will not have a happy ending. I cannot imagine that you have throughly thought thru the fact that you would be taking on the care of 4 children. You are 22. You may think you are ready for this kind of commitment but I am not so sure. You are still so young. You must think clearly before you could even begin to wonder if this is a possiblity. You and your OM are spliting a family unit. I read your posts and what you talk about is your OM. You must be able to make that statement about OM and 4 kids. It is a package deal. If you are to realize your hopes, dreams and accomplishments (as he mentioned) you must realize the reality that, in your current situation, it would be an incredible feat. I am not saying it can't be done. Ask yourself why you love him? The step you and OM are contemplating is life changing.

It seems impossible but I think you know this already. Goodluck. Let us know how things are.

-Nibbles

Let's please get back to the issue the poster is referring to on this thread. The accusations and bickering is pointless to the posters question. This person, who has a ligitimate concern in her life, is being subjected to a lesson on ethics. Are we here to preach or give guidence with compassion? We need to listen.

To the poster. Your situation is one that will not have a happy ending. I cannot imagine that you have throughly thought thru the fact that you would be taking on the care of 4 children. You are 22. You may think you are ready for this kind of commitment but I am not so sure. You are still so young. You must think clearly before you could even begin to wonder if this is a possiblity. You and your OM are spliting a family unit. I read your posts and what you talk about is your OM. You must be able to make that statement about OM and 4 kids. It is a package deal. If you are to realize your hopes, dreams and accomplishments (as he mentioned) you must realize the reality that, in your current situation, it would be an incredible feat. I am not saying it can't be done. Ask yourself why you love him? The step you and OM are contemplating is life changing.

It seems impossible but I think you know this already. Goodluck. Let us know how things are.

-Nibbles

Nibbles yo ur absolutely right!!

I'd like to see an update to this myself..... I wish the very best to her!

Red Flags everywhere in your relationship. The OM whom you say cares and loves you is still having relations with his wife. This means that he is still either A) wanting to be with her or B) is carrying on the affair with you in as much secret as he can. Either way it has been 2 years now that the two of you have had this affair? When it is safe to say enough is enough?

Can you honestly see yourself taking on the duties of being a part-time mother for 4 young children? Not to mention the reality that someday you may want one of your own?

You are still so young and trying to build a life and a career. You need to take the authority and the responsibility and the care to YOURSELF and really think about this. Love is so very powerful but you need more in life than just love. I can understand you are feeling much pain for the emotions you share with your SO but you must think clearly on this.

I wish you the best, but in all honesty you need to move on from this.

-Nibbles

Red Flags...More Like Red Rockets even...and yes...you can love again...if you choose to...this one has mega-disaster written all over it...

Thanks so much Nibbles and MerAlove23. Your positive support has helped me alot. I really appreciate it. I know things can't continue but however I can't change my job. Him and I have talked about it and things are no longer going on but he still remains in my heart and always will. Again Thanks alot. :)

Thanks so much Nibbles and MerAlove23. Your positive support has helped me alot. I really appreciate it. I know things can't continue but however I can't change my job. Him and I have talked about it and things are no longer going on but he still remains in my heart and always will. Again Thanks alot. :)

Your Truely welcome!! and I know it's hard and You are deserve the very best and in time You will let go... Be strong... and Best of luck.. !!

Thanks so much Nibbles and MerAlove23. Your positive support has helped me alot. I really appreciate it. I know things can't continue but however I can't change my job. Him and I have talked about it and things are no longer going on but he still remains in my heart and always will. Again Thanks alot. :)

I hope you have truly resolved this. You are crazy about him and it's been going on for two years. It is hard to believe that you can just walk away now. If you need more help with that, you should let us know.

Mera, I know you think this is a "great place that everybody can have differing opinions" but when it comes to the cheating topic, it doesn't always seem to be the case. People your age have been cheated on. I know it hurts. I'm 20 years older than women in their 20's and I've been cheated on too. It hurt me as well. The difference is that I have 20 years more perspective on the whole situation and now that I look back on it, I can see why it happened. Time and distance softens the pain. It also gives you a chance to see why it happened.

If anybody can produce statistics that say "once a cheater always a cheater" then, I'd be more than happy to see them. But I've yet to see those statistics because I don't believe the adage is true. To make blanket statements like that and come back and say, well my statement is just an opinion, is misleading. There are many men and women here who have cheated and been cheated on. Many members of AL have cheated or been cheated on, too. I doubt they are ALL serial cheaters or were with serial cheaters.

Chirogirl, keep us posted.

Best,
Bub

Mera, I know you think this is a "great place that everybody can have differing opinions" but when it comes to the cheating topic, it doesn't always seem to be the case. People your age have been cheated on. I know it hurts. I'm 20 years older than women in their 20's and I've been cheated on too. It hurt me as well. The difference is that I have 20 years more perspective on the whole situation and now that I look back on it, I can see why it happened. Time and distance softens the pain. It also gives you a chance to see why it happened.
Bub

I definatly agree with you with thinking the saying Once a cheater always a cheater is untrue because I truely don't feel that is true... I do think people make mistakes.. however its how they resolve the issue that makes the difference...
I can say majority may feel the same way about cheating however we all do have differing opinons and I do feel this is a great place for that.. To be able to get different perspectives...
It definatly hurts... but I'm not in my 20's :) I'm in my 30's... I've been cheated on and Ive been hurt.. however it can happen at any age..i know what perspective your talking about..I've been thru more things than most 50 year olds I just think everyone has different views and ideas and beliefs no matter what the age...
But I do agree with you looking back I see why but still doesn't make it right