New + so sure, but is he?

I have been in my relationship with my partner (sorry unsure of all the terms here) what is om anyway? for 14 weeks on Friday. We are very much in love and so compatible. He is on his 3rd wife and living in what he says to be comfortable misery. He says he has never in his entire life felt about anyone the way he feels about me, he says all of his marriages were for the wrong reason. We have started to discuss the fact that we wish to be together for the rest of our lives...almost all of the statements have been proclaimed by him first.....I am so happy with him and he has led me to believe he is going to depart from No 3 in the near future and we will be together. But he is a very insecure individual with an extremely low self esteem, sometimes I feel he is nervous to make the move because he is not sure I am for real.....He is 57, I am 34. He says I make him feel important and I am the only positive thing in his life. How can I reassure him and get him to make the move so we can begin our lives together without appearing pushy. I love him so much I just can't wait to get started. I understand he has to go through a process, am I being impatient, I'm just nervous he doesn't hear my love.
In love, impatient but happy!

hi. i dont want to sound like a jerk or be a bubble burster, but 14 weeks is only 4 months. thats not very long to be talking about spending a life together. i understand he is married? i cant put it any better than The Roches, in their song "The Married Men"...

The Married Men

(Words & Music by Margaret A Roche)

One in Louisiana
one who travels around
one of 'em mainly stays in heart-throb town

I am not their main concern
they are lonely too
I am just an arrow passing through

When they look into my eyes
I know what to do

I make sure the words I say are true

When they send me off at dawn
pay the driver my fare
they know I am goin' down somewhere

O the married men
the married men
never would have had a good time again
if it wasn't for the married men

One says he'll come after me
another one'll drop me a line
one says all o' my agony is in my mind

They know what is wrong with me
none of 'em wants my hand
soloin' in my traveling wedding band

O the married men
the married men
makes me feel like a girl again
to run with the married men

One of 'ems got a little boy
other one he's got two
one of 'ems wife is one week overdue

I know these girls they don't like me
but I am just like them
pickin' a crazy apple off a stem

Givin' it to the married men
the married men
all o' that time in hell to spend
for kissin' the married men

Copyright 1976 DeShufflin Inc.

4 months isn't a long time... and if he truly cares for you he would finish this relationship with his WIFE then pursue another relationship....Unfortunatly no one knows what the marriage is really like... But you need to realize that you deserve someone that is going to LOVE YOU AND CHERISH YOU AND BE 100% COMMITTED to YOU....

I am a married woman and I do take my vows very seriously... and unfortunaltly some people don't....I completely understand people fall out of love with their wives or husband and thats ok... but I think they need chance to either work it out or end it together alone.... and If he can be so quick to cheat on his wife.... do you really want a man that can do that? Don't you think he's going to do it to you when he becomse insecure with you? You deserve so much better than this ok... So Good Luck ok

I have been in my relationship with my partner ... for 14 weeks on Friday. We are very much in love and so compatible.

He is on his 3rd wife :rolleyes:

... .I am so happy with him he has led me to believe he is going to depart from No 3 in the near future and we will be together.

He is 57, I am 34. He says I make him feel important :D and I am the only positive thing in his life :rolleyes: .

Not to be to flippent, but 14 weeks? WOW! just over 3 months. Sorry for messing up your post with the smilies. Just trying to make a point.

Take your rose colored glasses off, stomp on them - destroy them utterly - go out into the sunshine and take a good look around.

I have been in my relationship with my partner (sorry unsure of all the terms here) what is om anyway? for 14 weeks on Friday. We are very much in love and so compatible. He is on his 3rd wife and living in what he says to be comfortable misery. He says he has never in his entire life felt about anyone the way he feels about me, he says all of his marriages were for the wrong reason. We have started to discuss the fact that we wish to be together for the rest of our lives...almost all of the statements have been proclaimed by him first.....I am so happy with him and he has led me to believe he is going to depart from No 3 in the near future and we will be together. But he is a very insecure individual with an extremely low self esteem, sometimes I feel he is nervous to make the move because he is not sure I am for real.....He is 57, I am 34. He says I make him feel important and I am the only positive thing in his life. How can I reassure him and get him to make the move so we can begin our lives together without appearing pushy. I love him so much I just can't wait to get started. I understand he has to go through a process, am I being impatient, I'm just nervous he doesn't hear my love.
In love, impatient but happy!


I have the somewhat unpopular habit of taking "marriage" out of the equation. For one thing, marriage is a word and it means different things to different people - and the meaning can change over time. I know a woman, for example, that I've said must be a heck of a wife - she's been one at least six or seven times, I've lost count.

Your last sentence I think lies at the core of every relationship... how we tell and show our love and - sometimes - trusting the other to hear it. In any relationship, two people tend to be at different places and stages... part of the challenge faced as a couple is getting and staying at the same place.

After three and a half months you are anxious to spend the rest of your life with him and, by your own admission, "impatient" to get started.

Your question "how can I get him to make the move" is a bit invalid... again, forgetting the fact he's married - why apply pressure? I've never fully understood people almost desperately wanting someone who isn't ready or doesn't feel somewhat the same desire. Most people would agree that three months isn't much time to make the decision of (hopefully) a lifetime.

Now the obvious problem with that (and I see the claws poking out) is that postponing that decision will be seen as the equivalent of encouraging you to continue the affair while you sort out the decision.

Here's the key point: you and he need to be making these decisions together. You've made a lot of "I feel..." and "I think..." statements... what does he feel and think? Can you slow down? Can he move faster? See. the key in this is not accepting responsibility for the other, something you are in danger of doing by feeling that if you simply get him to hear your love and feel more secure everything will work out. Maybe, but also maybe not. He needs to be acting for himself, not because of your influence. You think he could be nervous because he doubts your love... it could also be that he's tired of making the same mistake over and over.

At some level you have to trust that he hears your love... ask him if he does if you'd like... but that doesn't mean you can't talk to him about how you can help him figure out what he wants and then act to get it.