Long but need advice

I am so upset over a situation that happened this week. I hope I can get some wisdom on this one. I definately need it.

Four of my best friends and I took our children to the beach for Spring Break. The kids range in age from 12-16. We have all been very close going on cruises and trips with our kids for a long time. This past weekend all the kids took friends with them so we had a brood with us. I took my 13 yr. old daughter and her friend. One night while there all the kids were hanging out by the pool together. All together there were 12 of them. Anyway later that evening my daughter and her friend came back to our room. We were just in general conversation and she said, Mom, did you know **** smokes? (this is the 17 yr. old boyfriend) of one of my friends' daughter who is 16. I said no, I didn't. That was it. The next day in conversation with my friend, I said, I didn't know **** smokes. The friend said, he doesn't. I then said, well..**** and ***** came back to the room and said they saw him smoking. I then added..his Mom would die if she knew that. Then we changed the subject. I really didn't think much of it. It was said in passing. After all...if wasn't like it was her kid. Well she confronted her daughter and the boyfriend. They denied that he did and even turned it around and said, Well **** had some little cigars and we all took a puff of it. Including my daughter and her friend. So needless to say my friend called me and said, if your daughter is going to start rumors she doesn't need to do it in half truths. I said. What? she then said well your daughter and her friend puffed the cigar too. Well knowing kids will be kids I asked my daughter about it. She vehemently denied it. Looked me in the eyes and never varied. She said, Mom I didn't do it. I said, Okay i believe you. And I did. I could tell she wasn't lying. The friend on the other hand didn't drop it. She called me and asked if I asked my daughter about it. I said yes, and I was satisfied with her answer. She then proceeded to tell me that is how rumors get started and my daughter and her friend need to learn their lesson on not to start rumors. She then said, the little ***** need to learn that telling half truths is not right. I didn't say much not wanting to damage the friendship. I even said twice, I think we need to drop it. I talked to my daughter and I was satisfied she didn't lie. She said, Well, my daughter isn't lying either. We were driving in the car and my daughter said Mom let me have the phone and I will tell her the truth. She then took the phone and told my friend that the boyfriend smoked, and another boy of 16 that is the nephew of another friend that was along And that it wasn't cigars but cigarettes, and that she didn't even see cigars. My friend told her at this point she needed to quit telling half truths and admit the truth that she took a smoke too. My daughter told her she wasn't going to admit to something she didn't do. Anyway, the other friend called her nephew and asked him what the truth was. This kid may smoke but he is really a good kid and doesn't lie. He admitted to his Aunt he did smoke in front of the younger ones, and so did ****. (the boyfriend) But the younger kids did not. He then told her there were cigars that the boyfriend brought. But what the younger kids saw were both of them smoking cigarettes. He then added, my daugher and her friend did not smoke at all.
So here's my dilemma...I feel so betrayed by my friend. She all but called my daughter a liar. Even after my daughter had the courage to speak to her on the phone. The friend even told my daughter she needed to tell the truth. My daughter always thought so much of her and now she is so upset and so am I. I will never feel the same about her again and do not think I can continue being friends with her. Am I being reasonable to feel so betrayed? I can't get over the fact that she just kept telling me that my daughter was lying and that she had the nerve to tell my daughter that. Even though i knew her daughter was lying I never told her that her daughter should tell the truth. Some advice here...I am thinking I can't continue this friendship and it hurts.

I know this is long and confusing, do your best in reading it.

All I know is that if someone called my child a little ****, I'd be fighting mad. Your daughter had no reason to lie. Her daughter did. She was protecting her boyfriend. Your friend should never have even included you and your daughter. This was her mess to deal with, not your's and not your child's.

I too would have a difficult time being friends with this woman after she treated my child that way. As a matter of fact, I would stay away from her totally because otherwise I'd be chewing her out for treating my child that way. And that's the best advice I can give. Stay away from her for awhile......at least until you calm down and she can get her head out of her butt.

Shan

Thanks I agree. On thinking further on this I don't have a choice about the friend. I have to stand beside my daughter and show her right is right.

Well.. she was standing up for what her daughter told her, you were standing up for what your daughter told you. In essence, even though her daughter was lying, you were both protecting your children. (If that makes sense)

Although her calling your daughter names and repremanding a child that is not her own is wrong and I think she owes you both an apology. Just give it a little time to cool off.. if she is your true friend she will apologize.

Well.. she was standing up for what her daughter told her, you were standing up for what your daughter told you. In essence, even though her daughter was lying, you were both protecting your children. (If that makes sense)

Although her calling your daughter names and repremanding a child that is not her own is wrong and I think she owes you both an apology. Just give it a little time to cool off.. if she is your true friend she will apologize.

I agree here....this was a tense and heated subject. I'm sure that I would have gotten defensive and assumed that my daughter wouldn't lie, so it must have been someone else that was lying (ie. YOUR daughter). We all make mistakes and have pride etc, I'd let it cool down and take it from there. Good friends are hard to come by, and if this is the only problem you've had, I wouldn't lose a friend over it.

Thanks for the replies. I do understand she was doing the same thing as I did defending her daughter. THAT part I understand. I just expected the same respect I gave her in the situtation. I never once called her daughter a liar, nor did I name call, nor did I suggest that her daughter needed to learn her lesson from it. And I never once confronted her daughter and tell her if she's going to tell a story, make sure it is not the half-truth. I even suggested we drop it several times trying to save the friendship.

But...the other friend called me yesterday and said she had a heart to heart with her nephew. He admitted the smoking and told her a lot more stuff. More stuff about the daughter that lied that she said the Mom should know. I told her not to tell me I didn't want to know as it didn't pertain to my daughter. The friend said she wasn't because it would betray her nephew. She then told me all the other kids are furious at the friends's daughter and the boyfriend because they are not big enough to admit what they did and are making "little kids" take the wrap that are innocent.

That friend and I decided that all in all...the truth will eventually surface. But..we are both very disappointed with the way the other friend handled it and are very disappointed in her loyalty as a friend. The situation didn't have to get out of hand if she would have not tried to make a point of my daughter's lying and her daughter and boyfriend's innocense.

It sounds like you are handling everything wonderfully. Good job.

Not that it makes her reaction at all right, but it almost sounds like she "knew" what her daughter was up to and just desperately didnt want it to be true. I think everyone has been right in saying give her some time for the situation to cool down. There may be problems going on in that family that you dont know about that may explain (not excuse) her behavior. If she has always been a really great friend just give her some time and then try to restart the friendship.

I'm a southern girl and If I found out that not only had someone called my daughter names, but accused her of lieing and we both found out the truth if there wasn't an immediate appology there would most likely have been a good ole fashioned butt kickin.
Friend or no friend I don't care if we grew up in the womb together. Although on the devils advocate side of the coin, I can see where her haveing to appologize would make her have to admit that she might not be a good parent, by the actions taken by her child and then her actions. I bet you a million dollars that even Bill Gates momma and daddy had times they thought they were lousy parents.
And when our kids screw up even a little bit we feel like it reflects on us, because we are suppost to be the ones to give them the guidence to make proper choices. So it really all boils down to the reason you really think she hasn't appoligized. Is she a real jerk or is she just a insecure parent trying to protect her own butt.

hehe...i am with sidhra. southern girl here.
i went thru a similar with what i thought was a very good friend. except the kids are a lot younger. to me it was so stupid. but man did it ever piss me off for her to call my kid a liar. :mad: i was ready to kick butt. so...i tried to drop it gracefully. i kept saying...awww...now...they are just kids and they will work it all out. let's try to stay out of this. but nope she wouldn't. so, i finally just chewed her a new one and we just sorta forgot about them. when i see her now, it's just not the same. and it never will be. i mean after someone keeps on and on talking about your child it just sorta throws water on a friendship. i don't think we will ever be te same. he!!, i'd jus kick her - - - if she brought it up again and be done with it.