I need some advice

This is my first time here and this is a great website. I am 23 and my boyfriend is 45 and we have been together for 3 years and living together for 2. My problem is that my boyfriend just doesn't want to commit, when we first met he told me he wanted marriage and children. He has never been married but has 2 children from previous relationships. I have told him that I am ready to get married and have children and he says that he doesn't know if he is ready for those things or if he ever will be...he likes things just the way they are right now (me being his wife and mother to his 4 yr old son without the commitment from him!) I feel that he is being very selfish considering that he told me he wanted those things too at first. He says that he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life but he just doesn't want the same things I do. When I tell him I want to move out he makes me feel guilty, asking how could I do that to him and his 4 year old son? His son has grown very attached to me and I take care of him most of the time, and I love his son like he was my own.My boyfriend says I should just be happy with his son, he doesn't understand why I would like to have a child of my own also. My boyfriend says that I should just let things go and not pressure him so much and maybe he will change his mind about marriage and children. What do you think? Should I move on or stay and see if he changes his mind?

...he likes things just the way they are right now (me being his wife and mother to his 4 yr old son without the commitment from him!)

When I tell him I want to move out he makes me feel guilty, asking how could I do that to him and his 4 year old son?

His son has grown very attached to me and I take care of him most of the time,


Why should / would he commit? He has everything he wants.

A live in lover.
A mother for his son.

And no commitment.

Kinda like a nanny with benefits.

Welcome to ageless!!!

Well I think that you need to be Ok and at peace with this if you want this or not... and If you feel that Marriage and committment is very important to you then you shouldn't settle and I don't feel that your going to get what you want out of this relationship...

However I do understand some people dn't want to marry and some want to marry and not have children... some want to not marry and have children... BUT you BOTH need to accept that....

I am curious why he wants all this with you...and not marry you and commit to you that concerns me but I really think you need to look inside yourself and find out what YOU want and if YOU can accept this... Honestly I couldn't..

Ditto what those two said....

He seems to be content with what he's got....but I've been with someone who didn't want to commit, and I can understand how hard that can be on you. And also, if you want to have a your own baby and he says "you should be content" with what you have....I'd really think twice about the relationship. You KNOW what you need, and there's no way he should be invalidating your feelings. He has no right to do that.

I'd recommend the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum (sp?), to help you decide what you want and need in a relationship, and whether you can get your needs met in the one you're in. It's a tough decision to make, but you owe it to yourself to make life decisions that make YOU happy.

Good luck...oh and BTW welcome to ageless! :)

Hello,

Maybe he does not want any more kids--what do you think?

It really is unfair to you because you deserve to have a well-rounded relationship.

My boyfriend, who is 20 yrs older than me, and I will be having our first baby in the middle of May. Sometimes I feel like I should have just enjoyed our relationship and not made such a heavy commitment to have a son with an older person. But at 30 yrs old my regret is followed and replaced with excitment and deep love for my new born son. We are just going to have to accept the fact that he will be a senior citizen before we know it.

Well good luck with your plans.

Sincerely,

Minx

Saltwater Blues nailed it! Your OM has everything just the way he wants it. I have no doubt that he likes you, maybe even loves you, but (AND THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART!) there is basic, fundamental and over-riding reluctance on his part to take your relationship beyond what it is presently. Quite probably, his fathering two childern out of wedlock is an indication of your OM's prevailing attitude.

You really need to take inventory and come to some conclusions. Remain exactly where you are for who knows how long -- maybe forever? Or just face the fact that this is the deal and this is where you find yourself at the ripe old age of 23. Also, this 'game' you two are playing called "Oh yeah? Well I'll just move out" is a fool's game -- and it won't bring you anything but more grief. Either move out or shut-up! Don't threaten to move. Because when you don't follow through, you simply confirm what your OM already knows. That is, you're stuck in this relationship.

No my friend, I'm affraid that your OM is set in his ways, and when he says things to give you hope that there may be chance for what you want sometime in the future, he is probably just trying (and succeeding) in keeping you right where you are. I'm not suggesting that he's doing this to be mean, but he is doing what ever he thinks it will take to keep you around.

And BTW, shame on him for putting his child's emotions in harms way and using his cild's affection for you as a hot-button to keep you around. This is another serious issue that you find yourself mixed-up in. Keep in mind that the longer you prolong this relationship, the more potential attachment and heartbreak for this little child if ultimately, you two split up. And that's just not fair to the child.

This is where you need to be the adult and decide if this is the relationship you want for an indefinate period of time, or are your going to be strong, take the high ground and do what is best for yourself and others affected by this situation?

If you decide to leave, then make that your final decision. Don't waffle. Also, if you do decide to leave, take some private time with his daughter and explain that if you leave the house, it doesn't mean that you don't love her or want to be around her, it's just that sometimes things change and people change and you want to do the right thing for everyone. And you and her will always be the best of friends -- even if you don't see eachother all the time.

Above all, be honest with yourself and for yourself. Do what's best for you -- even if it hurts. You've got to get on with your life -- and maybe he needs to get one of his own?

that for all practical purposes, you are married - it just happens to be by his definition... a definition that up to this point has worked, apparently. I know a lot of marriages that haven't lasted as long as your relationship has.

I think the bigger question is whether or not you are happy with the relationship. It sounds like you are not. Him agreeing to marry you is not going to fix everything.

One thing he is right about is that you and him want different things.

Sounds to me like you both want "other things" more than each other.

I just wanted to thank everyone for the helpful advice..it is really helping me come to a serious decision.

My boyfriend says I should just be happy with his son, he doesn't understand why I would like to have a child of my own also. My boyfriend says that I should just let things go and not pressure him so much and maybe he will change his mind about marriage and children. What do you think? Should I move on or stay and see if he changes his mind?

I'm sorry but I think his saying he doesn't understand why you would want a child of your own is very demeaning. He is either quite dense or, more likely, bullying you into thinking your own needs are not important. You are 23 years old and this man thinks you should be content to remain childless your whole life in order to please him? He hasn't noticed that wanting a child is a huge deal for many women? I think he is belittleing your needs because he doesn't want to deal with them.

As to the maybe he will change his mind.. he is just stringing you along. It's not like he doesn't know what having a child involves if he has two, so it's not just the fear of the unknown that some have. Saying he doesn't know if he is ready to commit and have kids well.. that sounds like something a much younger person would say. He is already committed to you to some extent and he already had kids, it's not like these are new things. I think he just wants what he wants and your needs (which are COMPLETELY reasonable and normal) are not something he sees he has any responsibility to fulfill.