Need feedback for new OW/YM relatioship

Hello, and I just would like to say how overjoyed my YM and I have been to find this site!! Thank you to those who had such a vision!

I am new to this site, as I said, and am relatively new in an OW/YM relationship (about 9 months). I have been overwhelmed by the amazing, tender, precious and exciting love I have found with my YM (of over 20 years difference). It is unlike (and better than) any relationship I have ever experienced. I am so grateful for him and all he brings to my life.

There are some challenges that are also new to me. So I'd like to express a few here (I bet you have heard most of them before, but I am a newbie so bear with me please :) ). The questions I'd love feedback on are these at the moment:

1) Dealing with family - His is great, accepting, very comfortable to be around. However, my family (primarily, my kids) is skeptical that such a relationship can last. While they all know what a wonderful man my guy is, they feel uncomfortable because he's near their age. They prefer for me to have my own life in this regard, and haven't wanted to meet him, mostly out of feeling strange about it, I think. Can anyone relate? What wisdom is out there about how to handle this best? Please share your successes.

2) My wondering if he will stay - Altho' I know my YM loves me, and is totally loyal, the great age difference has given me an anxiety I have not felt before about myself and getting older. I have always been one to dismiss fears of aging, because I see beauty in those facial lines that tell of one's experience. However, I wonder what it will mean as time passes...will a very young guy, with the most sincere intentions, find himself looking around at those his age in time? I would especially love to hear from others who have been in long-term relationships with very large age differences.

I have lots of questions, but these are tops on the list today. Again, thank you so much for just existing, and I will watch avidly for your responses.

Hi, I'm nearly five years into a relationship with a 28 year difference.

#1. The only thing that will fix it is time. They need the time to see that you're serious about this. One thing that helped with us, was that I told my family that I didn't expect anyone's approval, but I did expect everyone's acceptance. And that if they wanted me at family functions, David would be included, or I wouldn't be there. I have three kids older than him, as well as one younger. My kids were cautiously supportive, the in-laws were upset, it's all good now. The worst one was my son-in-law, who's only 14 years younger than me. When he and my daughter had financial difficulties, and had to borrow money from us, David was the one who wrote the check. That pretty well ended the cracks about the younger guy using me.

What may have helped in my family is that I'm the oldest, of 7, so I've always kind of been the "boss". It bothered them that the one they always depended on to fix things, in their minds, went nuts or something, but nobody really dared to voice their opinions too strongly. My dad just placed it in his mind alongside my hippiedom in high school as that I've always been a rebel.

The only way for them to get used to it is to meet him though, and start seeing you together. Can you have a gathering of some kind and have him there. Not necessarily a "meet and greet" but just some kind of gathering at which he's included?

Your kids shouldn't be allowed to treat you any differently in this regard than they'd treat any other relationship you might have. I'm sure you don't make the rules for their relationships, you deserve the same respect.

#2. Actually, honestly, the only thing that will fix it is time. You have to learn to trust that he loves you for you. I always laugh when someone accuses older women of wanting to be with a young guy to feel younger herself. I never felt as old in my life as when I was with David the first time. If feeling younger was on the agenda, I'd be with a 70 year old, so I could feel like a kid in comparison.

Honestly as time passes, and you gel more as a couple, you don't notice the age difference as much. It's just another part of our life, like the fact that he loves onions and peppers, and I hate them. You work around it, like ordering 1/2 and 1/2 pizzas. The only time it hits me much these days is like the day I showed him Kurt Cobain's autobiography in the book store, how they'd made it look like his notebook, and he asked who that was. He had no clue who Nirvana was, and I guess potty training was what was happening while the Seattle grunge thing was going on. Blech.

gee whiz, i am glad i didnt miss this post, this is what this site is for, how refreshing!!!

i smile as i read your post and want to tell you that i have been where you have been. my daughter went balistic, my friends were non-supportive and i hid it for a while from all other family members which now makes sence because i was coming to terms with a very unconventional relationship.

the guy i first met who later went on to become my husband was always the same of character, however, as a man he has grown to be my hero, my best friend, my supporter, my lover, my spiritual match.

we are 45 and 25 respectively and june will celebrate our two year wedding anniversary.

when we got married, my daugher disowned me and had a fit, today we are as close as we were before my marriage and she came around.

i would not have given up this relationship for anything, this has been a surprize, i thought the kind of love i have today was myth.

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate the wisdom of you who are further down the path. It's funny, I would never have purposely sought out a relationship with a huge AG -- I chose my YM for reasons other than his age, yet I find that I am so much more aware of the assessment of others around me than I would be with someone my own age. I don't really know how to become less sensitized to others' comments and assumptions. Perhaps like you said, Bella, it is also a matter of time. I don't like knowing that some people think I'm his mom, and while I do believe it's nobody's business but ours, I still feel hurt during those experiences. Have you dealt with this? How have you reconciled it? Or if you haven't, what do you do to deal?

When I am with my YM, alone or with others I know accept our relationship, the age difference disappears. But I feel self-conscious otherwise. Does this wear off in time or will I just need to grow a thicker skin?

i was attending the graduation of my husband from boot camp in georgia, i flew in and was staying at a hotel near base, the same as his mom, (his mom is 63). when it time to leave his mom and i went to the front desk to pay our bill, the hotel clerk started complimenting me on adam, how sweet he was and how polite, i was thankful and then she said to me, "YOU DID A GREAT JOB OF RAISING HIM, MOM" horrors, bile rose to my throat and dont forget i was standing next to his mother.

the clerk was maybe 30, do you know it took me a few years to get over that? i look back and you know i did "look" older then, i think from hanging around a younger guy, my appearance and attitude is younger and i never get that anymore, in fact, i got carded last month when adam was home, i got so excited that i told the waitress that i would kiss her feet, she said, no that wont work, i need i.d.!!!!

so which is it? do i look old enough to be his mom? or young enough to get carded and he wasnt?

does it matter?

to be honest i think i will always have some insecurities, i personally believe i am with the best of the best when it comes to men, i always feel like i won the lottery and then think, why me? its ok though, it feels so good to be with him.

in the beginning i stared at everyone who was around us looking for their reaction, and i got some, i got some comments also, but i was also eyeballing complete strangers for their approval, screw that!

today i am a different person, when ever i get the chance i drop the "my husband" into the conversation, and i say it with pride. i would not waste one second thinking about what a stranger thinks of us.

i was a mess in the beginning but i remembered one thing, when my husband and i were buddies before romantic, i would hug him, walk with him with our arms around eachothers shoulders and i was totally fine with it, but when we got romantic i got paranoid. my reaction caused reaction in others, now that i am relaxed again, i get no reaction.

so, relax and enjoy yourself, if this is the real thing it wont just blow away, its going to take root and you guys are gonna become a couple, a couple with an age difference that all. good luck!

Yes, we get the mom thing. He always makes a point of calling me "honey" and putting his arm around me if it comes up with strangers. He does the work of making it clear we aren't mother and son.

Usually its not worth the bother of correcting someone, if its a passing thing like a salesclerk, or someone. It just doesn't matter. And you have to be realistic, its a natural assumption, and very seldom mean spirited.

How do we deal with it? We just deal. The only other option is ending it, and it's not enough of a problem that its worth doing that.

A simple, I'm not his mother, thanks, with a smile. Or a why do you need to know? with a smile, if someone's just being nosy is all you need.

There is the squirm factor. You just learn to expect it, and get through it.

It gets easier, honestly.

We did go through some counselling at one point. As we learned, there's nothing we can do to change the age thing, we have no control over it, we only have control over our reactions to it. Everything else in our relationship is worth the occasional squirm we deal with, so we just grew a thicker skin.

Best of luck, don't toss aside something that could be wonderful out of fear.

... for your post which made so much sense to me and definitely rings a bell as something I can relate to. My family are sceptical as is my teenage son. I try not to rise to it and just remind them I'm happy. We are having a big family gathering in a couple of weeks and it will be the first time my family will see my YM and I together. *scary* but necessary because they really need to accept him - and us.

Being fearful of a partner leaving you is something you can experience in any relationship not just one with an age gap. I have found my previous "baggage" getting in the way of the sincerity of my YM. My previous experiences have been with men nearer my age. The last 3 ended badly with them letting me down. So at least I know it's nothing to do with age as to whether a man will stay.
:)

I'm also grateful to Bella and Kittylane for posting their experiences. That's one of the wonderful things about Ageless - there are some great success stories - and the site never fails to raise my confidence in my own relationship.

Thanks again
Dusky

When I am with my YM, alone or with others I know accept our relationship, the age difference disappears. But I feel self-conscious otherwise. Does this wear off in time or will I just need to grow a thicker skin?[/QUOTE]


just like me..dont know if it will wear off yet as my ralationship is also quite new..10 months soon..and I'm really falling hard for him..scared scared and more scared..last time I went to see him and and we made love it was so powerful that I started to cry..and then I think I have to stop seeing him because of the age gap..he has his whole life ahead of him and it would be wrong of me to expect him to give up the idea of kids etc..well..rambling now..sigh..

I was in a 27+ yr age gap for over four years until recently, so I know what you're going through. 'Tis wonderful, and yet all these questions.

My YM was the same age as my daughter. She never once judged me or had anything negative to say about it, but that's just the kind of young woman she is. EVERYONE asked me how she felt about it, and I would just tell them what she told me: "Mom, if it makes you happy, go for it." I realize not everyone is that magnanimous, but if you're serious about this relationship, you just have to let the chips fall where they may.

At the end of the day, who cares about your real happiness? You. Go with that.

Thanks so much, all of you! It's a relief to put some of these otherwise unconventional concerns down in print. But while lots of these worries are unique to AG relationships, ANY relationship comes with its concerns and risks. Putting one's heart out there IS dangerous, but that's life. Not many guarantees. Would I back off to keep my heart secure? On some days, I would say a resounding "yes!" But on most days, when I give it thought, I recognize the wonders of a great, close, supportive relationship are rare and worth all the risks. I really love my YM and whatever the future holds, I am blessed today to have this incredible experience. And that is truly LIFE.

Thanks so much, all of you! It's a relief to put some of these otherwise unconventional concerns down in print. But while lots of these worries are unique to AG relationships, ANY relationship comes with its concerns and risks. Putting one's heart out there IS dangerous, but that's life. Not many guarantees. Would I back off to keep my heart secure? On some days, I would say a resounding "yes!" But on most days, when I give it thought, I recognize the wonders of a great, close, supportive relationship are rare and worth all the risks. I really love my YM and whatever the future holds, I am blessed today to have this incredible experience. And that is truly LIFE.

Venezia,i just read this thread,and i would hafta wholeheartedly agree with all that has been said in reply. I myself have just ventured into a AG relationship, and thought,is an AG any different from a 'normal' relationship?....HECK, what is a normal relationship!!! Forget about the age gap, it irrelevant,its there , but really it doesnt matter.....im sure youre questions would be the same in any situation...age gender, religion......questions are rife...fears...insecurities.....whatever you wanna call them. I have them myself right now....as does sally, my OW, but i think that what is really important...in any relationship really....is fundamental communication..... communicate your love...show that it is genuine, and such honesty will radiate...and people will be able to see its sincerity.If people still want to think bad of you for having such a realationship.....rest assured it is only because of their ignorance...or unwillingness to understand.

remember....life in its self is one big question...where will we go for dinner....how will i affod to pay bills, what am i going to wear today....why did that imbecile just cut in front of me? we are confronted by a billion questions on a daily basis, and we make decisions that will have a most positive outcome for us.....so if you really love your YM, then tell him , show him.....make your decisions...for you...dont let others decide for you.....do you let other people choose your outfits....or dinner??? ;)

and as for unsure-ness.....will he stay with me...etc....if it is you he loves...then no....why would he..he loves you, and if he doesnt...then he wasnt worth your time anyway......
My sister also said to me last night whilst chatting on the phone about relationship stuff with sally.....she said..."...josh...shut up...ask yourself this...do you love her???.." i answer a resounding yes..... so she tells me...go out there,live your life....spend all your breaths letting her know so.....and stop worrying about what could be..nd do it....stop worrying about what might happen...and just enjoy now....live your life dammit..... and i think thats a sentiment we can all appreciate....good luck to us all...... XOXOX

the best advice was already given.

no one really cares about your inward and true happiness, they think it is OK to analize and criticize YOUR relationship because it does not seem right to them.

this made me incredibly sad when i came to that realization, here i had these people i loved and cared for and when it came down to my real happiness they fought me tooth and nail.

the bravest thing i ever did was go forward, and i am not a brave or special person, (my husband is, he is very strong) but i am so proud of myself for taking this for me, its something i look back on with pride.

since in my eyes adam is a one in a lifetime, i wish you yours, who knows it may be.

Kittylane you are wise...i crap on for ages...and most of it is jumbled...and you come out with a gem...and in an 8th of the bandwith i took up......

I am married to my YM, he is 23 and I am 41. We celebrated our 1st anniversary in January. We met when he was 20 and I was 38. At the time, I was ending an 8 year long distance relationship with a man 18 years older than me and almost the same birthday as the YM! Talk about a change in direction (I never have seemed to be able to meet someone my own age).

My Mom is the only one who is rather cautious when it comes to my husband.
My Dad seems to have accepted it well. My mom, however, worries that he only married me for his green card. We had been together for two years and living together for 1 1/2 years before deciding to get married, and I must admit, we got married rather quickly, because we wanted to get our lives started right away.

My husband wants to become a policeman, and he has to be a US Citizen to do that. He had started his paperwork and immigration stuff long before he met me, and later learned there would be a delay of two more years. We decided that we were in love and going to be together anyway, so we would get married. Even getting married, this stuff takes a long time, and even if he were marrying me for just that reason, he would have to make a commitment of three years.

We had a long talk before we got married, because even though I felt I knew him well, I didn't feel he knew quite what kind of commitment he was getting into and how serious it was. I even had talks with him about when he was 40 and I was 58, he might not want me anymore. But, I told him, if we had kids together, it would be a different story--we would have to be very commited to staying together. This may sound like I am taking my marriage lightly, but I was really trying to be realistic. We tried for a child and I had a miscarriage in October.
I am pregnant again and we are trying one more time. I am hoping to past the 12 week mark in mid April. My husband really wants this child and it is so refreshing to be around a young man who actually wants children, unlike all the other older men I dated in the past. For the first time in my life, I actually can't wait to have a child this late in life, and so we are really hoping it works out.

My husband turned out to be more mature when he was 20 (when we met) than he is now, living with him!! LOL! Things change once you move in together, and it hasn't always been roses, but I sense from him that there is a deep bond that we have and that he wants to make things work. I sometimes I catch him looking at me, analysing me, wondering perhaps what I will look like in 10 years or if I look older to him, and its weird, but it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I was a hard catch anyway (he was the first person I ever married at 40) and we have so much in common. Of course, most women still look great well through their 40's and 50's, I think the crucial time will come when I am in my mid-50's and we are raising a child together (if that ever happens).

I have been on the other side of this fence (having left an older man when he turned 56) and I have a lot of guilt associated with it. We didn't have as much in common, however, but there were also some age related issues. So I worry that my husband may one day feel the same way, but what can I do? So far, I'm so happy being married, which is great for me, since I was frightened of commitment before. And my husband is so handsome, he has movie star looks---sometimes I have to be amazed that he chose me, but hey, I give him a run for his money.
He thinks that eventually he is going to lose his hair, so we may wind up looking the same age someday!

I say, go for it and just don't have real high expectations at first. Take it day by day. Enjoy those special moments when you are still getting to know each other.
Before you know it, you'll be feeling like an old married couple like me!