She's killin' me! Please help

First let me say hello. I've been lurking around and this is my first post. I apoligizes if my grammer is a bit "choppy", but I'm under a little stress right know. I met the most beautiful OW about two months ago and we've been seeing each other at every opertunity since. She's 40 and I'm 24. When we're together we're like two peas in a pod, when we first saw each other, we seriously could not keep our eyes off each other. We're still seeing other people that we met before we did, but we're not having sex with them. We're starting to get feelings for each other and thats were my little fiasco starts. Shes been seeing her other guy off and on for several years now and had a few short relationships with him too. He's in his mid 40's, he doesn't know about me and treats her and her daughter terriblely when it comes to issues of respect. She says that if he knew about me, he'd be hurt and probably give her an ultimatum of me or him. Shes feeling realy torn, because she wants something long term and she feels he can give that to her, but at the same time, she has feelings for me and enjoys being with me more. She looks at our age difference as an uncertainty and is very afraid if she were to make a commitment with me, we probably willn't last, because of all the "usual" age gap issues I've read here. I think her hesitations on making a descision may revolve around her wanting to be with me, but feeling security with her other guy because there about the same age. She's told me a few times her heart wants to go to me, but her mind wants to go to him.

For a while shes been avoiding the issue, even to the point of blowing off her other guy to spend more time with me, but a few days ago she reach a breaking point. Shes so stressed out and guilt ridden, its affecting her work life, as well as her personal life away from me. Its really stressing me out because I feel like I'm waiting to see if she'll take me, and the other guy I feel sorry for, even though he mistreats her, because he doesn't have a clue whats going on. That and shes distancing her self from me and him. Normally in a situation like this, I'd just turn my back and walk, because I really..REALLY don't like situations like this, but I adore this woman, and would honestly like a realtionship with her. That means alot too, because most women I can't deal with. We've both told each other we could easly fall in love with each other, and thats why I can't walk away. She really gets hung up on were we are in our lives too, she has an established real estate career, and I'm starting a general contracting business hopefully this summer. Are difference in life experence also gets to her. In rebutle, I don't want to get into something serious with her, change my mind years later and have her feel like shes wasted a part of her life. We've talked alot about all this in great detail and now I'm basicly waiting for her to decide whats going on. I understand its her desision, and all I can do is voice my opinion. I'm a bit confused and a little hurt over the whole thing.Does any one know if theres anything else I can say to calm her concerns??? Should I even be concerned??? I'm I just wasting my time? Thanks

another great post, thank you.

it completely took me for surprize to fall for a man twenty years my junior, we were friends first and then he told me that he wanted something more.

i ran from it, hid from it, told him NO, even said i was not sure it was even legal!! i was very much in a state of panic.

until, the day he asked me if i was ready to make the biggest regret of my life? the normal 40 year old woman has many of these already. that got my head to thinking, eventually i took the chance.

however, thank GOD, i had been single for years, i had my fill of men who made me feel like crap, and think that your lady friend has some issues if she is keeping the guy around who is in her age group. why? financial security?

let me tell you what is gonna happen if she tells him about you, he is gonna flip and he WILL give her an ultimatum. one thing i learned in the beginning was i got almost hostile reaction from men my own age when i started seeing adam, it draws out some kind of insecurity.

she needs to make a choice and she needs to respect YOU, i would start by taking a chance here and putting your foot down and saying that its either exclusive or nothing, cause in this limbo you just keep guessing. its what mr. 40 year old would do, or he would dump her.

you guys need to get to know each other and build trust, you cant with other people in the way.

by the way, i am 46 and my husband is 25.

I'm just wondering you said neither of you are sleeping with the other people you are dating? She just stopped sleeping with the other guy she has been dating for 3 years?

Does she rely on the other guy in some other way financially or live with him? I only ask becase you mentioned he treated her and her daughter badly. I will admit I put up with people treating me badly, but never my daughter.

Also are you willing to give up dating other people to show her you are serious about your feelings for her? Do you have steady employment and are you realistically trying to build a better life for your self? By that I mean not pipe dreams of I want this to happen.. but actually taking steps to make it happen?

Please don't take my questions wrong. I am just trying to figure out what her reservations with your relationship may be.

Both of us NEVER expected our relationship to develop how it has, so she never expected to be faced with this situation. The problem isn't that she will'nt make a decision, its that she honelstly doesn't know what to do and its not an issue of disrespect. Yes, its disrepectful, but she understands how I'm feeling over this and it makes her feel even more guilty. I've only known her about 2 months, but I know her enough to know that she wouldn't take an ultimatum well, but maybe its what she needs.

She also has nothing but bad relationships in her past, so I think the other guy is just her falling into routine. I've told her on more than one occasion, if she left me for someone her own age, fine, I can't stop her, just like she couldn't stop me from leaving her for someone my age, but she can do SO much better than this other guy. As far as him being hostile, hes not. I asked her if she left me would she tell him about me and she said "no". I asked her if that was right, and she said "No its not, I don't know waht to do!". I do know that if she does go with him, he will eventually find out, because we've been parading ourselves in front of people who indirectly know him.

She's just very confused at the moment. Like she said...her heart is telling her to go with you but her mind otherwise. It's the age thing, I promise you. She either has to learn to wrap herself around the idea or run from it. In the beginning most of the time it is the YM doing the pursuing because the OW is afraid of it. As this board has seen before, the relationships that last are the ones that the lady ran like hell, and the YM chased like hell until he caught her. It's not easy coming to terms with the AGR but once you get there it's hardly a problem anymore. Perhaps at this point though and under the circumstances with the other friend maybe some space is what she needs. I'll bet that would make her miss you enough to make her mind up. Good luck :)

I'm just wondering you said neither of you are sleeping with the other people you are dating? She just stopped sleeping with the other guy she has been dating for 3 years?

Does she rely on the other guy in some other way financially or live with him? I only ask becase you mentioned he treated her and her daughter badly. I will admit I put up with people treating me badly, but never my daughter.

Also are you willing to give up dating other people to show her you are serious about your feelings for her? Do you have steady employment and are you realistically trying to build a better life for your self? By that I mean not pipe dreams of I want this to happen.. but actually taking steps to make it happen?

Please don't take my questions wrong. I am just trying to figure out what her reservations with your relationship may be.

No offense taken. She was seeing him off and on, casual like. He wants a relationship with her, but can't put the effort and energy towards it. Both her and him have well establish real estate careers, live seperatly, and they don't work together. I stopped seeing my other woman about two weeks after her and I met. There was'nt a relationship either, it was just sex and fun, but we still keep in touch.

I am absolutly willing to stop seeing other people for this women, I've never met someone that I "clicked" with so well and makes me so happy. She knows that seeing two people is wrong, and thats why shes dealing with it. I've been in construction for seven years and work for myself under the table. I charge between $25-$40 an hour depending on what the job entails. I have everything ready to start my company, I'm just waiting for work to pick up(its get slow from beteen the holidays until tax returns start coming back). I plan on owning a house 1 to 2 years from now, depending on how work goes. I already have a sailboat in the marina :) When I say I'm going to do something I do it.

Her main concern with a relationship with me is that she will age before me and I'll lose interest. As well as the difference in life expeirence. She told me that if he wasn't in the picture she would get into a relationship with me. If I get the chance, I see myself in the long term with her.

I have to agree with Sara, its sounds as though she is scared not only of the age thing, but also of ending it with the other man.

If I had to guess I would think she is a very sweet woman, who doesn't like to hurt people and she is fighting herself over what she "wants" to do and what she this is the "right" thing to do.

Just be there and prove to her she is making the right choice.

I have to agree with Sara, its sounds as though she is scared not only of the age thing, but also of ending it with the other man.

If I had to guess I would think she is a very sweet woman, who doesn't like to hurt people and she is fighting herself over what she "wants" to do and what she this is the "right" thing to do.

Just be there and prove to her she is making the right choice.

Yeah, I think shes really scared. She is a very sweet woman who ended up in a tough spot. I'm horribly afraid of losing her if I do nothing and give her space and just as afraid of losing her if I pursue her. I've never cared for a woman this much that I didn't love. What do you think I should do?

Just be patient - you have only been seeing her for 2 months.

She knows that seeing two people is wrong, Well only if one has commited to a partner, not to date other people...

The fact that she has had a history of bad relationships and THIS OTHER GUY treats her badly already shows that she lacks self esteem. I would be more concerned as to why she would stay in a negative relationship, under the guise of some sort of security.

While the feelings of love, are there on your part, the only way (I think) she can let go of the other guy, is to see how badly he treats her. Then she should break it off regardless if there is someone else waiting in the wings or not.

But this is all in HER COURT, not yours. If it were me, I would give it a silent time limit of 3 or 4 months and then revisit whether I want to continue it or not. Take the pressure off her to see what she does on her own, you know?

She's just very confused at the moment. Like she said...her heart is telling her to go with you but her mind otherwise. It's the age thing, I promise you. She either has to learn to wrap herself around the idea or run from it. In the beginning most of the time it is the YM doing the pursuing because the OW is afraid of it. As this board has seen before, the relationships that last are the ones that the lady ran like hell, and the YM chased like hell until he caught her. It's not easy coming to terms with the AGR but once you get there it's hardly a problem anymore. Perhaps at this point though and under the circumstances with the other friend maybe some space is what she needs. I'll bet that would make her miss you enough to make her mind up. Good luck :)

I agree, I'm laying low and letting her figure this thing out for herself. Last time we talked she agreed that theres not much I can do, other than give her an ultimatum, which I didn't. She basicly told me she needs time to figure things out. She also wants to keep in touch, so we are talking from time to time.

Thanks to everyone for your experiences and advice.

I'd also like to add that while you are giving her space to figure things out, be careful that she does not read that as you losing interest. I can tell you that my largest fear as the OW at the outset of such a relationship was that he would be drawn away by younger women. So it was helpful that he kept pursuing me (I used distancing to protect myself) and affirming his interest. As long as that's communicated to her, it does seem like she'd do well to take some time to figure out her needs and wants. Wishing you peace...

I think you should tell her it hurts to be around her too much
if she is going to be with someone else and especially that you know she is with someone else who listreats her and i can almost guarentee, you will hear from her very quickly!! cut her off a little bit first though, letting her know it is because you care too much about her, and when she doesn't see or hear from you from a bit, she'll come running back with a clear head!
Ruthann
:)

One of the best things you can do is send her to this site, let her read some of the posts from us older ladies who have younger guys, and who have been in wonderful relatinships for years now. Let us remind her that True Love, True Commitment and Friendship is important.
I was so amazed at how committed my fiance who is 15 yrs my junior is, how he was able to give me everything I could ever want in a person, life-mate and best friend and more. She needs to know she is not alone. A really great friend of mine suggested this site to me and when I see her in August (hint hint) I'm gonna hug her neck.

Yeah, I think shes really scared. She is a very sweet woman who ended up in a tough spot. I'm horribly afraid of losing her if I do nothing and give her space and just as afraid of losing her if I pursue her. I've never cared for a woman this much that I didn't love. What do you think I should do?

Don't give her space, show her you already love her by being patient about the other guy and not pushing it, but due pursue her! Court her show her how and what you will do for her. It would be different if this had gone on for a year or more, but you said you've only known her 2 months. persue her :)