Married to a Younger Man

Please help me:

I am married to a younger man. He is 22 and I'm 28. Although the gap isn't that great, at this stage in the game it really is. We are fighting like crazy and he has already packed his things, even before trying counseling. He has just agreed to counseling, but I'm so mad that he even packed his things already. He has very poor communication skills and only has two modes in a conversation. To attack, or put up a wall. We can't talk about anything hot or sensitive without it exploding into a fight. He can't handle an feedback from me about what I like or need in bed. Our intimacy is terrible and I sometimes come across porn. I was a vegetarian when we met. I made it clear from the start that I wasn't into drinking or smoking. . . Now I find he is full of resentment for me being the way that I am, and hoping that he cares about his health as much as I do. He hides recipts for donuts, fast food, and other really bad food products from me. When we fight we smokes, which pushes me away. I just don't know what to do. The communication is so bad. I feel he doesn't keep his word. In the end the behaviors he displays are those of a rebellious teenager. He treats me like the mother and can't be resposible for anything. I pay all the bills, I clean, run our business by myself, while he works a job and just hands over his pay check. I just don't know what to do. I need an equal partner. Is an equal partner asking to much from a 22 year old male who has a rebellious attitude? Does anyone know of a situation like this one at all?

its not his age, you are searching for reasons for his behavior. i am married to a 25 year old and i am 46 and i consider him my rock, in fact years ago when he was playing hockey his name was "rock".

i dont know why he is acting like this, only he knows, try communicating with him and getting to the bottom of it.

You know, reading your post, I have to wonder: What in the world brought the two of you together in the first place? I don't see any common ground there.

How long did you know him before you married him? Counseling might help, but both of you are going to have to learn that marriage is a compromise, all the time, and there has to be give and take . . . but most important of all . . . there has to be communication.

In real estate the motto is "location, location, location" and in my opinion the motto of marriage should be "communication, communication, communication" and all of that communication does not necessarily have to be verbal, but it does help.

Please help me:

I am married to a younger man. He is 22 and I'm 28. Although the gap isn't that great, at this stage in the game it really is. We are fighting like crazy and he has already packed his things, even before trying counseling. He has just agreed to counseling, but I'm so mad that he even packed his things already. He has very poor communication skills and only has two modes in a conversation. To attack, or put up a wall. We can't talk about anything hot or sensitive without it exploding into a fight. He can't handle an feedback from me about what I like or need in bed. Our intimacy is terrible and I sometimes come across porn. I was a vegetarian when we met. I made it clear from the start that I wasn't into drinking or smoking. . . Now I find he is full of resentment for me being the way that I am, and hoping that he cares about his health as much as I do. He hides recipts for donuts, fast food, and other really bad food products from me. When we fight we smokes, which pushes me away. I just don't know what to do. The communication is so bad. I feel he doesn't keep his word. In the end the behaviors he displays are those of a rebellious teenager. He treats me like the mother and can't be resposible for anything. I pay all the bills, I clean, run our business by myself, while he works a job and just hands over his pay check. I just don't know what to do. I need an equal partner. Is an equal partner asking to much from a 22 year old male who has a rebellious attitude? Does anyone know of a situation like this one at all?

It is a GREAT reason to look upon this experience as a dating one, but not to take it to the marriage level. Your veganism and demand that he eat in a way that you like would send me out the door. While u were dating and in the honeymoon phase he prolly let u control things, but now it's time for everyone to come down to earth. I do believe that your situation is salvagable, but I think you have confused communication with meaning everything will go your way. Your post made me angry because I feel you are trying to blame him.
Ali :eek:

My boyfriend is 22 also, I don't think age has anything to do with it. We aren't legally married but we live like we are. We share everything. I do end up doing more cleaning and laundry & cooking. But that is something I have always done. I was married before to someone my age and my ym is far better off when it comes to everything. He is my rock also. I can't imagine when I was his age I was not as mature as he is now.
I hope you two can go to marriage counseling. Maybe you both really need to learn communication skills, I know first hand how hard that is. When we met I was almost like your ym, I would either take things like a personal attack or just put up a wall and not want to talk about it. It has been a struggle for me to talk
about how I feel and communicate but I love him so much I am opening up to it and taking it in. And it feels better inside I don't feel so bottled up anymore.
You also said you sometimes come accross porn, do you mean you are looking at porn or you found some that he was looking at?
And with the food, do you expect for him to be a vegetarian also? Why does he have to hide his receipts? Do you get onto him for eating what he wants? I would hate to have to hide food receipts from my boyfreind. I just think because one person wants to eat a certain way doesn't mean the other has to. I don't eat red meat but I don't care if my boyfreind eats steak or hamburgers. It doesn't bother me one bit. Was that something he promised you in the beginning and then realized he couldn't follow thru?

What was it that attracted the two of you to each other in the beginning?

Maybe both of you should sit and reflect, get back to the basics........of what it was in the very beginning..........something had to have been there for you to have walked the aisle for the other.........

just my thoughts,
sora

How old were you both when you first met/started dating/got married?

no matter what the age of the man he still needs to be respected, i cant imagine what adam would do if i started getting upset about him eating a donut or fast food, he does and we talk about it and promise eachother when we are more settled that we will keep healthier food at home, mostly because i want him to be healthy for all of his life, if i pushed it i would realize from the bat that i was being controlling.

men dont like to be controlled they already had a mother who told them what to do.

try and pick your fights wisely, these above issues are not worth a marriage, you either accept the person you are with or move on and not make each other miserable.

All of the ladies who have already responded have given very good input. I will echo that I would hate to have someone hounding me about my eating habits. Mine are pretty good most of the time but that's my personal preference.

My ex ate like a little kid set loose in a junk food store when we first met. I did hound him for a while, mainly because I had never seen anyone...ANYONE...eat like that in my entire life and it was more out of shock than anything! Cookies for breakfast, frozen-fried cr*p for lunch, a 1/2 of an ice cream container for dessert. Never even THOUGHT about drinking water and lived on soda pop. When I quit hounding him about his diet, his diet started changing for the better. In fact, he wound up modifying his diet, joinng a gym, and losing about 25 pounds.

I think that a lot of people his age grew up eating junk food. I'm like you. Not vegan or vegetarian (although I had my fling with it), but I grew up eating healthy food prepared at home, and candy bars were a treat, not breakfast. I believe that I brought some awareness to my ex's life re: health and diet but HE had to figure out on his own that his diet and lifestyle were making him fat and unhealthy.

As far as hiding the receipts, our work hours were often opposite, and I discovered that he was ordering pizza to be delivered multiple times a week for lunch. The issue wasn't him eating pizza (although it explains why he put on a lot of weight during that time :p ), the problem was that he had money to buy pizza but not to buy groceries..? Just wondering if the issue is all about the food or if it involves money, at all.

Like some others have said, there's a reason that the two of you decided to get married in the first place. You didn't say how long you've been married (unless I missed it) but based on what people tell me, the first year or two can be tough, adjusting to each other and finding equilibrium and compromising. Suggesting some short-term, problem-solving counseling to him might be less pressure and might be appropriate for your situation.

Not taking an active role in the household and the business would be a problem, if I were in your shoes. Is your shared business a full-time job for you, and he goes to work full-time elsewhere? Maybe he sees that as your job and the other as his job.

As far as the housework, that would make me crazy (been there, hated it). Unfortunately, I don't think that you're the only woman in this situation, and if anyone figures out how to get a housework-allergic man to clean more often, you're on your way to earning millions! If you can work it into your budget, hire someone to come in and clean once a week or twice a month.

Like Kittylane said, pick your battles.

Right now, there is this big pile of issues in the middle of your relationship. As a pile, it can be overwhelming. Try looking at each issue individually (literally, make a list for yourself) and figure out which ones you can accept/let go. The pile may actually shrink right before your eyes.

Thank you everyone for your feedback!! It means a lot to me right now. I'll address the food issue because that was a hot topic for everyone. When we met I laid my cards out on the table, this is me this is who I am, he knew, I was up front, honest, I didn't pretend to be anything that I'm not to woo him. He stopped eating meat one day, magically, (when he decided he wanted to date me). I never went around throwing my eating habits in anyone's face. This was just a tid-bit he happened to find out about me. He used to struggle with is weight, at one point he was 366lbs. This was before we met. He had lost the weight and was feeling happy with himself. He told me he wasn't really into eating a lot of meat, and he didn't miss it at all, he said occasionally he misses it, but many times we went out to dinner he would order something special for himself, sometimes I'd order fish, sometimes we'd buy Farm rasied ECO fish, etc. . . it was just a non issue. So here I am thinking everything is ok, he's happy, he SAYS he's content, full satisfied.. . he was expressing that he enjoyed being healthy feeling good. However at the same time I'd occasionally find recipts for junk or poor quality meet products. Then he started gaining weight back. . . I didn't say anything. He would always say I'm getting fat, I need to go to the gym. . . at this time Iwould always think to myself, but we are eating the same things and he's gaining weight. . . this is odd?!?! Don't you see, he has gone out of his way to be dishonest. This is not me being a vegetable toting dominatrix. It puts a rift in the marriage if he struggles in silence, goes out of his way to lie, and hide things. I can imagine he is struggleing with his demons regarding food, this has been a struggle for him, with or without me. I think I good portion of his pain and woes is tied up in eating, as like many people. I've just become the easy target. He gets to rebel against me for being the way I am. It' s his own struggle, and he doesn't want to include me, only attack me. Can you understand that he has the coping strategies of an addict? He used to party hard, do drugs, drink, smoke pot, eat junk, run away from his pain and problems. We meet at college and he was working to improve his life. Now with the GREAT STRESS, of owning our own business, house, pets, struggling financially, his mother disowning him, he has so much pain and no coping skills., well the way he copes is to be self destructive. I am in a marriage with a self destructive person. I think this means. . .. both of us are here standing in the crap, drowning, and I'm saying/ screaming we need to fight through, make those good choices that enhance our lives, meanwhile he is making choices from a place of fear that cause him to hurt himself and therefore it hurts the marriage. In a marriage, the other person is the mirror you run up against right? He's angry at me? He probably is hating himself right now. He's feeling like a failure, as am I. The more I try to talk him into the core of his pain, the more he thinks I'm the one causing it. The pain is there, it needs to come out so we can be close and open. We've been married for 1 year and 6 months. We dated for about 10 months before deciding to get married, and we were frineds the year before

Amy, what you're written is broader perspective of the situation. I'd say that counseling is really in order because he probably needs support for learning to change his coping mechanisms.

It stinks that we can't always be each other's pillars of strength, especially when we're willing to do this. Sometimes, it's difficult to turn to the person that we're experiencing 'challenges' with for support. Sometimes, as a couple, we have to learn better and/or different problem-solving skills.

Sometimes, fighting through works better with some outside help. Right now, it sounds like it may be just deteriorating into plain fighting.

If he's not ready to go to counseling, I'd suggest taking yourself as soon as possible so that you can reduce your own stress, clear some clouds, and find some new ways of dealing with the situation.

Wishing you reduced stress and much luck.

SG

The first year or two of a marriage (or live-in relationship) are extremely difficult. I am sorry he has decided to leave. If I were you (assuming you love him) I would try to solve the first serious issue which is his leaving. I would declare a truce and just try to have peace for a couple weeks, no demands, just peace and quiet.

After that you have to analyze yourself and write down a list of all the things you do not like about him and see which ones you can put up with and which ones are just impossible to live with. Do not even consider changing his ways as a viable option. Most men DO NOT CHANGE. If you cannot live with him AS HE IS, then by all means end the relationship.

Reading your original post, I do not think that he is being so irresponsible. He is keeping a job, which, good or bad, is a steady source of income, because businesses have good times and bad times, and he probably feels that at least his job would be stable. When I was starting my own business the horrible job my ex had/has is what put food on the table when business was low. You said that he gives you his paycheck to manage. That is good. He probably recognizes that you have good money skills.

Try to make lemonade out of lemons, if you find evidence of junk food sins, establish fun "penalties", like walking a mile together, or riding a bike together, or some fun exercise.

Problems with in-laws tend to solve themselves after the evil in-laws convince themselves that the relationship is going to work no matter what. Be patient.

Use tact when asking him to change his sexual style. Some guys are slow learners. Once your relationship improves as a whole, your sex life will likely improve too, he will feel happier and drop the porn. Try to find good aspects of his appearance and compliment him on those. Make him feel attractive.

Do not be so quick to label him as a liar, he is just probably trying to avoid fights when he hides his food receipts. Those are such little lies compared to him having a mistress or gambling his income or something like that.

Both of you are young. Probably both of you have still a bit of maturing to do (I know that at 47 I still need to be more mature). Cherish your love and try to make your marriage work. Good luck.

Try to make lemonade out of lemons, if you find evidence of junk food sins, establish fun "penalties", like walking a mile together, or riding a bike together, or some fun exercise.



As a person that has struggled with my weight all of my life, please do not do the above. The rest of Sheila's advice was fantastic, but "fun" penalties are not the answer. He hides this from you because he doesn't want to disappoint you and since he feels like he has to hide it, he is resenting you. It is obvious to me that he does not feel unconditional love from you. Not to say that you don't love him unconditionally, but it's obvious that this is how he feels.

Having struggled with my weight and being about ten different sizes throughout my life has made me determined to find someone that loves me no matter what. It's a struggle, but to him encouragement from you regarding eating habits and exercise will come across as criticism. The decision to be healthy has to come from within him and nothing you say will change that or make that light bulb go off in his head. He's going to have to come to the realization on his own. He has to come to the revelation that feeling good, healthy and strong feels better than any food tastes, but only HE can come to that conclusion.....not you, not anyone else. If the change does not come from within himself and he's only doing it to please you then it will not be a life long change.

My advice would be to tell him that you love him, no matter what. That his body is his choice. That his food choices are just that HIS choices. Tell him that he does not have to hide these things from you. Tell him that you love him. Tell him that while you want him healthy because you love him. That if he isn't it will not change your love from him. He needs the security of knowing that you love him regardless and that he doesn't have to be someone he's not with you.

He's having to put on an act with you. That is exhausting. That is why he is resentful towards you. If you do love him and if you want this marriage to work then you HAVE to make sure he knows that you love him regardless. And if you find food receipts, NEVER bring those up to him and accuse him! Just throw them away.

If you cannot love him unconditionally then let him go. Only you can make that decision. BUT if you do love him unconditionally, let him know that with your words and your actions. DO NOT show any criticism over his diet, no eye rolls, no disgusting faces at his food choices.....nothing. This is an insecurity issue and if you love him, show him you love him, don't criticize him. If you show unconditional love then he will feel secure and THEN he'll start making better choices for himself on his own. As long as he feels that your love is conditional then he'll continue to eat bad foods out of rebellion.

I'm sure I'll get landblasted for all this, but most people do not realize the emotional reasons behind his actions. I do and my advice here was given with love and care.

Good luck to you.

Shan

Shannon, I was trying to find a way to put into words, what you wrote - about not wanting to disappoint.

Maybe he was, indeed, on an upswing regarding his diet and weight when they met. The OP's attitude about food, diet and health probably motivated him at the time.

Now, with the stresses that he is experiencing, he is again faced with his struggles with food, etc. Knowing how important diet is to the OP, he probably is feeling pressure to not disappoint her. Plus, it sounds as if he's not too happy about his own struggle with food.

I think that Sheila's advice was well-intentioned but a penalty is still a penalty, especially when the issue is still one of contention. At this point, with everything else going on, he may still see it as a control mechanism.

Great post, Shan...and right on the money I'd say.

Men in general have that inner something that makes them not want to disappoint the woman they love at almost any cost. Unfortunately, as Shannon said, that can later turn into resentment. Their minds tell them that our expectations of them (whether real or imagined) caused their deception to "protect" us from disappointment. It's a crazy cycle...but the only answer is unconditional love-to the extent a human can give that to another human (besides their children)...and counseling to reconnect in understanding.

Counseling is definitely the answer here. If your husband won't go, you go yourself, Amy..it will give so much clarity, believe me.

Best, Karen

Sdoah,
Thats was a great post; also I can relate to your struggles with weight.

I think at the end of the day, not everyone who eats and excercises moderately is naturally skinny, and I feel that from personal experience, loved ones and society can have a hard time truly accepting this fact; people are prone to criticise directly, or indirectly by adulating skinniness, and dismiss such people as `greedy over-eaters' when in fact they may eat less than your regular guy or gal.

I mean a lot of we caucasians are decended form very cold climates and we're genetically predisposed to hold onto bit of blubber to ensure our survival in such conditions. Same goes for Asians, with their dark skins and tiny bodies....their genentic makeup is designed for optomal survival in extreme heat.

Shan, I agree 100% that the best way to deal with a loved one who is using food for self-medication is to offer acceptance and a non-critical attitude. A lot of overweight people are naturally `not skinny' types, who have experienced pain and rejection for their natural body type. The answer isn't to offer more criticism and rejection, i agree.......its like feeding fuel to a fire.