TOO much = TOO soon?

Sorry this may be long.... 1st post
New to board and glad I found you! I have been in a relationship with my YM (29/42) for 2 1/2 months now. I think I really do love him... he's sweet, affectionate, attentive, fun and very loving. He makes me feel very treasured and cherishes me. PLUS .. he's really really HOT! LOL But our relationship has progressed at warp speed. We are both divorced (his just recently). One of my concerns is the fact that I was on my own for a few years before getting involved in a relationship and he has gone from relationship to relationship. I am afraid that one day I will find that I was rebound girl. I had my time to figure out what I wanted, enjoyed myself, and learned to be happy on my own without depending on someone to make me happy. He has a history of relationships starting out really quick. He met and moved in with his now ex wife within weeks. To his credit he was married for 7 years and she was the one who initially wanted out. Also had another relationship that got serious quite quick. I am his 3rd older woman relationship but we have the largest age difference.

He started telling me he loved me within the first month of dating. He has mentioned marriage someday down the road but what we really have an issue with right now is living together. I love spending time with him, I miss him when he isn't there and I know he feels the same. He knows that at times I stress alot (have 2 jobs and 1 child at home who doesnt help much and 1 in college) and does whatever he can to make things easier on me. He spends almost every day (with the exception of a day here and there) with me. He doesn't contribute financially to the household expenses but helps me out around the house. When we met he was living at home with parents (divorce was just settled). I want to make sure that I am not just rescuing him from being at home or having to pay all that $$ for an apartment. He has bad credit and was left with the credit card debt from the marriage. I feel that he needs to establish himself with a home for both he and his daughter (he has her every other weekend and 1 x during the week). I guess part of me feels that it's unfair for him to just move in to my home. I have worked many many years to get to where I am and work the 2 jobs to try to hold on to what I have. I do have some issues with money with him .... he thinks nothing of letting me foot the bill for things when he is short (I have paid for his cigarettes and gas before), doesn't offer to help with any home expenses (I cook most every day) and I feel I am starting to resent him. I was hoping to be in a relationship where we were at least equal in finances and could both afford to go places and do things. I know love is the most important thing but I was married to a man who never wanted to do things and was looking forward to sharing all that with someone.

I am also for totally other reasons NOT ready to live with anyone...

My ex husband was very controlling the last 4 years of marriage and became mentally and verbally abusive. He monitored where I went, with who, what I wore, how long I was gone, no male friends, make up, hair, etc etc. I have started to see a little bit of this with my YM. Could it be his age? OR past experiences (ex cheated)? He says he doesn't want me to feel I have to answer to him but I know he prefers that I be with him and not apart. Am I being unreasonable? I told him from the beginning I have m and f friends, I spend time with them, sometimes I need alone time just to be home by myself.... he gets pouty when I even mention it. I am afraid to even say I don't want him to come over that night. After such a controlling marriage... I enjoy not answering to anyone but my kids. If I want to stop and shop or hang with a friend after work ... I do it and don't have to worry I was gone or gone too long. I fought so hard for my independence... I spent my life being a people pleaser and I'm so afraid I will give up myself again but don't want to lose him either.

Any advice will be appreciated!
Thank you!!

juliette go with your gut instinct..... You have already answered all the questions you are posting here....

If you do not feel right to move in with him, don't! Gosh if you are already paying for his gas and cigarettes, wait until he moves in, you will be paying for his underwear...

Sorry to be so blunt, but you are already seeing the red flags but love can makes us blind! Don't.

You need to set boundaries, but then he may not respect them.... I do not think it has to do with his age. He sounds like he does not take responsibility for his actions and is pressuring you into doing things that you do not feel comfortable... He is already giving you guilt trips.

After the newness of the relationship wears off then what?

Wish you the best but do not base your decision just on love! There is more to being a couple than just that lovie-dovie feeling...

Good luck to you! :)

well, you do know the answers, you are looking for a softer version of what you already know to be the truth.

whats wrong with nicely expressing your concerns? maybe he has plans to help in those area's, if he is totally clueless then get used to carrying the load.

if what you guys have is also SO special to him, believe me, he will find a way to make it work, my husband was clueless when i met him he grew to be my hero and mentor, it is possible for people to change but they gotta want to do it.

someone once said the opportunity to meet a man was during that 10 minute window between relationships....that joke was made about guys just like this.

slow down, do things at YOUR pace....DO NOT let this guy move in, whatever you do. if you lose him over THAT, he definitely needed to go. he's a bit of a user and it'll only get worse.

There's so many flags in this you can lead your own parade.

What the ladies here are saying is on the mark. Trust your instincts. Its great and good to be all up each other's arse but not when one has to wipe the other. You do that to babies, not grown men. You know exactly what you want, he's not at the place that you are in and you know it. Listen to yourself and make decisions on that inner person whose grown and strengthen herself and not on your feelings. Our feelings can betray us sometimes because we're always looking at the way someone makes us feel instead of on the will of a person's sincerity.

Its only been 2 1/2 months, there's no reason to move in with anyone after such a short period of time. I think we move in with men way to fast for women who claim we're this Rock of Gibraltar at our ages. No matter what the guy's age, he needs to prove himself, not just as your b/f but as human being and one who will do what needs to be done no matter the sacrifrice, but what they hey, that's just me.

You're not in college where ym and yw play russian roulette and have a carefree life with no responsibilities, you do still have a kid at home, if this ym has such a character that borders on making you feel guilty, this isn't the kind of person you want your kid emulating or thinking this is the way life is. Not only will you resent it but it will kind of make you take 1000 steps back, don't you think.

You were right on the money when you said that it took you awhile to get to a good place where you can date and be mentally and spiritually capable to responsibly date others. Can you say the same for this ym. The guy that you date should be no less. And you have to remind yourself that you deserve as much. because if mom ain't happy in your home, no one is happy and that includes your kid.

Paris

Juliette,

I lived this last year, except I ignored the bells and whistles and let him move in. He moved a distance and spent his days playing games and not looking for a job. Well I finally blew up after 3 weeks he said ok, I'll look. Another 2 weeks later and he finally got a job.

He had no lisense, no money, 4 child support payments and never once offered me a dime toward any of the bills. I was expected to be his taxi service YET expected to pay all the household bills (I work for myself at an hourly wage, no work, no pay).

Well other things happened that required me to pay medical expenses, so I was ill and working twice as many hours, while he worked a part-time job and didn't help. During the medical stuff I realized it didn't matter that daily I told him what I needed and daily he promised to make those changes (I am not kidding every day I said something) so finally I asked him to leave my home.

He said he would, but a month went by and still he was eating my food and I was miserable. Every week it was I don't have the money to move.. next week.... I finally bought him a plane ticket and sent him back to live with his parents.

I learned so much from this whole relationship. It was a year's worth of learning. First of all love and good sex don't make a relationship. I had zero respect for him, without that he repulsed me mentally and physically, so I learned that without respect for each other there is no way to have a solid relationship.

I learned alot more about myself, that I won't get into, but please be sure he has the means and the inclination to be an EQUAL partner in your relationship. And ask yourself Do you respect him? And don't let him take advantage of you.

Just an FYI the man I was in the relationship with was only 3 years younger than me, so it's not about age. My boyfriend now is the most generous, loving person I have ever met. He is 23 (I am 37) and I have more respect for him than any man I have ever dated. He is motivated and driven to succeed. It's a refreshing change.

Hello and welcome,

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and know what you want.

Your relationship with your YM is very young, and at this point your still getting to know each other. Continue to date him, but keep your guard up. Since you've been in an abusive relationship before, you are more likely to do so.

Have your guy continue to live and home and pay all of his own bills, including gas and cigs. You worked your butt off for what you have. If you have a few extra bucks, spend it doing something special for YOURSELF.

I'm a little worried by the fact that he just got out of a marriage, and that he is expressing serious feelings for you very soon. This could mean that he is dependant, insecure, etc. I don't want you to get hurt if you turn out to be a rebound.

Take things a little slower and get to know him better before making any sort of committment (living together, marriage).

Please continue to post and let us here how things go for you.

Mary Ann

Sorry, I can't spell at all today! Please ignore my errors.

Thank you all so much for your wonderful advice. I guess hearing it from you made that little voice in my head, the one I was trying to ignore, a little louder. I know I am smarter than this and I know that I cant build a relationship based on what I WANT it to be but instead on what it is. It has taken me the last 4 years of some major life changing events to finally become that person that has been suppressed for so long (in my marriage). I finally feel that I have a voice, an opinion and a choice in my life and decisions affecting my life. I fought hard and ultimately had to end my marriage because my ex didn't like this new me. He was much more secure when I was totally dependent on him.
I have said to my YM that he is not in that place that I am in yet. He needs to be on his own to make a life for himself and his daughter before he can think of a life with me. If not for himself than for his daughter who has had enough change in her life already. I do believe that he has some deep insecurities. He doesn't talk to his mom and I'm not quite sure why yet. ... guess that proves the point of not really knowing each other enough in 2 1/2 months. That may have some bearing on why he goes from relationship to relationship. But I won't psychoanalyze him... I have enough with figuring myself out!
I do think that he may be a bit of a user. Just by the way that he doesn't show much embarressment over taking money from me. And I know I do not respect that in him. I have always said, during my divorce, that love is important but above love is TRUST and RESPECT. When I lost those to qualities in my exH I knew the relationship was over. I tell myself that if I wouldn't put up with my exH being possessive and guilting me... and we were together 22 years with 2 kids... why should I accept it from someone I met a few months ago.
I think I have let myself get carried away by all of his good qualities. The way he makes me feel, the compliments and appreciation for the things I do for him. I've been like a sponge absorbing it all.
Mabe for now I set some boundaries.... limit the times he stays over. Not making excuses or trying to justify why I need a night alone or with friends, no more handouts. And see what happens. Maybe he will realize what he needs to do to make this work and if he wants it as bad as he says he does, he will find a way to do it. One other gripe...... 2 days a week I work my second job so those 2 days are 19-21 hours long. He has had the nerve to tell me he's tired. I would normally be sympathetic but I finally told him that I would gladly switch places and be home relaxing. The age difference is not a factor but I did tell him that I am older than he is and I have more of a right to complain!
Well, that's it for now. My mind is tired from trying to sort it all out. I guess the answer is go slowly with my eyes wide open and listen to that little voice and the supportive voices of all of you. Thank you again....
I'll keep you posted!
G'night and God bless

juliette,
I just wanted to say that you sound like a very wise and cautious woman. Your years alone have made you savvy. I'm so glad you decided NOT to have him move in with you. Personally, I think people move in together WAY too soon these days...before they even know each other at all. Personally, I wouldn't consider it before a year, if even then. I am in the same position you are (was married 22 years, own my own home that I struggled to keep, two kids...one in HS, one in college, etc.) ...I think we really value what we worked hard to attain -and strong spirited independence is one thing high on the list! - and are selective in who we share it all with.

Good call there.

And, yep, no more "hand outs", etc. He needs to step up to the plate and make his life work on his own before he can make you a priority in it.

Oh, and I LOVED your words about "Above love, there is trust and respect". So true. So true.

Welcome, and keep adding your wisdom to the board!

Best,
Karen