OM insecurities driving me nuts HELP!!!!

I am a 29 year old woman recently (7 months) married to an OM age 51. It seems every time we disagree about something no matter how small he says there is “some arterial motive” or finds someway of accusing me of doing something. When I ask him why he feels he has to insult me this way he always response with “I never said you were cheating.” I am not the insecure type that thinks it is cute for my husband to be jealous, I am more concerned for our future. We were best friends for over two years before we started dating and besides the insecurities HE is having we get along fine. I am five months pregnant now and as big as I am he still accuses me of things. Any advice? I have tried so hard to be understanding, thinking that these insecurities are because of our age difference but now it is just pissing me off. He promises every time after apologizing that he is “working on his insecurities” but it still happens again, and again.

I've said it many many times....OM's are very interesting creatures.

My OM (me 32, him 67) is always thinking that everything I say has an alterial motive to it..... I sat with him once and asked him why he thinks the way he does and this was his explanantion.....

He said that I was young and beautiful and can't understand why I find him attractive...He doesn't understand why I find him so intriguing and interesting and why I hang on his every word not missing a detail in his day. He is concerned that someone younger will "catch my eye" and his heart will be broken because he is in love with me but cannot understand why I would be in love with him.

My response was this:

"You are a very caring person who treats me the way a woman should be treated. You're kind and sensitive underneath the rough texture. Age is just the number of years experience you have had in this lifetime. I have been ever so fortunate to learn so much from your life experiences while gaining such a wonderful friend and for that I am truly thankful. I am happy you aren't in my age group because if you were, we would be merely two passers by but with your wisdom and experienced ways we share a common interest, you wanting to share and me wanting to receive. You are who you are and I love you dearly for it. If you were anyone else you wouldn't touch my heart the way you do. No one could ever catch my eye because no one else is YOU. As we grow older my time with you is cut shorter and shorter but the memories we create together will be something that no two people could ever duplicate. I will hold on to our memories forever knowing that they were created by two people very much in love."

Don't ever spend a day in complete disagreement with your OM....Life is too short and before we know it we (as YW) are only living with the wonderful moments we created with our OM's. As much as he may upset you sometimes know that his concern is you not wanting him as he ages when in fact OM's just get better with age. I tell you all of this because my Om has just recently been diagosed (for the second time) with cancer. This cuts our life in half...it changes the way our daily life goes on but it also makes us live every moment to the fullest. You never know what is right around the corner which could make or break a day, week or a relationship...but what we do know is what's happening right now. For me, it's complete reassurance that his "trophy girfriend", "the gold digger" and the "midlife crisis toy" (all of which I have been referred to over the years) is by his side no matter what comes our way.

Take care - I wish you lots of luck and congratulations on the soon arrival of your child.

I don't mean to make light, but I think the word you are looking for is ulterior. Arterial means pertaining to the arteries... like the things that blood moves through in the body.

Sorry, I just had to share... no disrespect intended!

I don't mean to make light, but I think the word you are looking for is ulterior. Arterial means pertaining to the arteries... like the things that blood moves through in the body.

Sorry, I just had to share... no disrespect intended!

Thank you very much for that actually......I was actualy stuck on that word and it was bothering me.... I appreciate the correction. (learn something new everyday!)...LOL...Thanks!

PinkCat,

I'm glad you mentioned the right word. There was no "arterial" or "alterial" motive in my dictionary. But Google found 44 passages of "arterial motive"! It seems to be quite a common mistake.

One of the passages was:
Why can't you trust a Vampire? Because he always has an arterial motive!

Oh boy, next time I'll read the whole thread before I start a Google search...

BlueBird

Although I agree with CEEJAY for the most part, don't forget that jealous young men sometimes turn into jealous older men and that it's not ok for him to accuse you of things just b/c he's an OM. I'm 30 wks prego and if he accused me of something I'd cut loose on his a** for saying something so stupid. It's not ok to hurt you w/ words b/c your younger. I'd only put up w/ it for so long as the understanding YW before I told him to get a grip or get out.

If your living with him and being 5(?) months pregnant with his child isn't proof enough that you Love him, this guy either has Major insecurity problems, a lot of "Baggage", or both. I would suggest a long, serious, CALM discussion with him, and if he's open to it, suggest counseling... for both of you. :) TD/Tim

So did his behavior just start when you got married? Has he been this way when you were engaged or just good friends? Can you provide some specifics as to what he is accusing you of doing?

I don't think you have povided enough specific information for anyone to make an informed assessment of this situation. What do you argue about? What is he saying that you're doing? What is the context and mood of the discusion when he begins to accuse you of "doing things?"

Could it be you? Are you perhaps being overly defensive? Argumentative? What starts the arguments?

More information please!! :confused:

I am not the insecure type that thinks it is cute for my husband to be jealous, I am more concerned for our future... We were best friends for over two years before we started dating and besides the insecurities HE is having we get along fine.

Hmmm. So it's all his fault because he doesn't feel and think the way you want him to? I realize there is some big anger in this post, but these few sentences are cause for concern. The wedge here is not that he suspects or implies that you are cheating. The wedge is that you are secure and think he should be like you. I'd be willing to bet that some of these arguments are starting because he senses you are unhappy with him.... and of course being unhappy with him would create an environment where you might "go looking..."

You think he's too insecure. Is there a chance you might be too defensive?

I'd suggest you try even harder to understand his insecurities - and maybe develop a few of your own.

Security in a relationship is important, but it can be a negative thing if we're not careful. It's called "taking the relationship and our partner for granted." I sorta like it when Loripop gets a little possessive and jealous... makes me feel wanted and needed. (Shhh, don't tell her. LOL) Call it "cute" but I think she likes it when I get a little possessive and jealous too. It's fun because we both are very secure with each other and our relationship.

Bottom line here is that you and he need to start sharing each other's feelings instead of putting the energy into judging who's right and who's wrong. I'll bet if you do that you'll discover that you're both right and you're both wrong.

I sorta like it when Loripop gets a little possessive and jealous... makes me feel wanted and needed. (Shhh, don't tell her. LOL) Call it "cute" but I think she likes it when I get a little possessive and jealous too. It's fun because we both are very secure with each other and our relationship.

Wait so if you are "very secure" then why do you get "a little possessive and jealous". The two are mutually exclusive by definition unless you and your gf are playing some weird courting game where you try to make each other jealous??? :confused: LOL

I am 22 years older than my wife also...I understand some of the insecurity issues he might be dealing with. I entered my present relationship/marriage with a hefty amount of baggage, and it isn't easy. Tell him he is welcome to send me a PM if he wants some encouragement.

Wait so if you are "very secure" then why do you get "a little possessive and jealous". The two are mutually exclusive by definition unless you and your gf are playing some weird courting game where you try to make each other jealous??? :confused: LOL

Nope, that's not it at all. Not sure I can explain it, but will be pleased to try. I just wish I could think of an example or a metaphor...

Definitions are not the basis for a relationship. I'm also fond of saying that a lack of cheating is not the basis for a healthy relationship. You don't "sign up" for a mutually exclusive relationship and just live happily ever after. As proof of that, how many times do you hear, "Well we're really miserable, at least I don't think he's cheated on me..." Ah, so we're secure that no rules are being broken.

I happen to think that a "promise" or "rule" not to stray outside the relationship is not terribly meaningful in the final analysis. What is meaningful is an agreement that you want to complete each other enough so that there's not even a desire to stray. Thus, the security comes not from the fact that we've agreed to be "mutually exclusive." The security comes from the fact that we've agreed to a lot of other things and are now so interwoven there is no room for anybody else.

The fact that we are both very secure does not mean we shouldn't occasionally express possessiveness and a little jealousy... the fact that I "have" Loripop doesnt mean I want her any less. Our possessiveness and jealousy isn't motivated by insecurity... it's motivated by our deep love and deep need for each other.

Does that make it a game? Perhaps. But I'd hardly call it a "weird" game. I think if more people played it, there might be a few less relationship problems.

The point in my original post was this: we are responsible for our partner's insecurities as much as our partner is because unintentionally or not, we contribute to them. This situation is not as simple as "He shouldn't be insecure because I'm not cheating on him." The age difference may certainly contribute to insecurity, but the relationship can and should be stronger than the age gap.

The point in my original post was this: we are responsible for our partner's insecurities as much as our partner is because unintentionally or not, we contribute to them. This situation is not as simple as "He shouldn't be insecure because I'm not cheating on him."

Well ok I agree it's not as simple as saying "he shouldn't be insecure because of blah blah" but I don't agree with you that we are "responsible" for our partner's feelings, be they insecurity or anger or even happiness. People must take responsibility for their own feelings.


Definitions are not the basis for a relationship. I'm also fond of saying that a lack of cheating is not the basis for a healthy relationship. You don't "sign up" for a mutually exclusive relationship and just live happily ever after. As proof of that, how many times do you hear, "Well we're really miserable, at least I don't think he's cheated on me..." Ah, so we're secure that no rules are being broken.

I happen to think that a "promise" or "rule" not to stray outside the relationship is not terribly meaningful in the final analysis. What is meaningful is an agreement that you want to complete each other enough so that there's not even a desire to stray. Thus, the security comes not from the fact that we've agreed to be "mutually exclusive." The security comes from the fact that we've agreed to a lot of other things and are now so interwoven there is no room for anybody else.

Well ok I can agree with that but it's a lot of hair-splitting. LOL


The fact that we are both very secure does not mean we shouldn't occasionally express possessiveness and a little jealousy... the fact that I "have" Loripop doesnt mean I want her any less. Our possessiveness and jealousy isn't motivated by insecurity... it's motivated by our deep love and deep need for each other.

Wait but that's just two sides of the same coin. You are possessive and jealous because you have a "deep love and deep need for each other", the logical implication being you are afraid to lose it. It's ok Wally--you can admit it. All of us have been there! LOL

It sounds like this is becoming a debate I don't particularly need to have, but I will clarlify two important points because they do apply to the original post.

Well ok I agree it's not as simple as saying "he shouldn't be insecure because of blah blah" but I don't agree with you that we are "responsible" for our partner's feelings, be they insecurity or anger or even happiness. People must take responsibility for their own feelings.


I am very big on people taking responsibility for their own feelings and behavior, but that doesn't mean we don't have responsibility for how we contribute to the feelings of our partner. If she says, "You don't tell me you love me enough!" is he supposed to say, "You're responsible for your feelings, not me?" My original position stands; if she is simply going to maintain that he shouldn't feel insecure, the problem does not go away.



Wait but that's just two sides of the same coin. You are possessive and jealous because you have a "deep love and deep need for each other", the logical implication being you are afraid to lose it. It's ok Wally--you can admit it. All of us have been there! LOL

Sorry to disappoint, but I have nothing to "admit." We are often amused by people who can't seem to stand the fact that we don't have most of the problems other couples do and we've learned not to lose much sleep over it. Relationships are a two-sided coin. I said that we are secure, I didn't say that we not afraid of losing each other. There are plenty of ways to lose each other. It sometimes seems like most people in relationships only worry about losing their partner through cheating. If they "worried" about losing their partner and the relationship, they might not have to worry so much about cheating.

But this is not about our relationship. In the original post, it sounded like the fact she wasn't cheating (and repeatedly tells him so) is supposed to make him feel secure. It obviously hasn't. I think he has some insecurities that are not about cheating and I think she needs to recgonize that not cheating isn't going to make everything better. I think they both need to be a lot more possessive because they are in danger of losing each other.

There are plenty of ways to lose each other. It sometimes seems like most people in relationships only worry about losing their partner through cheating. If they "worried" about losing their partner and the relationship, they might not have to worry so much about cheating.

I just wanted to emphasize this point here. Feeling secure in a relationship is great, but I agree that you have to be careful to not become complacent and TOO secure that you no longer work on the relationship together.

Back to the person that posted the question/problem...it kind of seems like he gets upset, and then you get defensive and tell him there's no reason to feel the way he's feeling.... But WHY is he feeling this way? Is it something from his past? Is it differences in the ways the two of you interact with others (ie. are you naturally flirtatious whereas he's more reserved?)

While his issues aren't, and shouldn't be, your problem, I tend to think that if there's something little that you CAN do to help him with it, then great, just do it.

I think they both need to be a lot more possessive because they are in danger of losing each other.

I'm just a nerdy guy casually dating a younger woman, but I've been in serious relationships before. I personally don't know what its like to go into a relationship "with baggage," but I assume, and to some degree admit it happens.

I was in a relationship with someone once, who would build up, "I'm up at the bar watching the Jets game" in her mind to: "I'm in a club with scores of attractive women, plying me with alcohol begging me to feel them up, there's loud house music playing, and there happens to be a Jet game on in the background."

Would you like to know what I didn't do? I didn't marry her.

I guess I could have called her and demanded to know who she was out with and ask for a biographical summary of the person who bared a male name. Unfortunately, I'm too old to play games.

To rocarica: either this isn't the dealbreaker (or making you as nuts as) you claim, because you married him in the first place. Or its so infuriating, that really you made a mistake. I've been there, and I can't imagine that you are pregant with his baby and all he can focus on are his 'insecurities.' Anybody, male or female, who always thinks there is some alterior motive, is really just being selfish. Its hard for them to believe that sometimes things aren't always about them. If you are already married, and you are not going to break up the marriage because of it, I would just totally ignore him. Focus on your pregnancy and your child, that's many times more important in the grand scheme of things than "sharing feelings" with your husband regarding his "insecurities." If that's his personality, then no amount of "sharing" will ever change it. If its not, then its personal short term issue and he'll work through it on his own. Give him attention for doing it, he'll keep doing it. You get your point across here much better with non-action, so next time he grandstands, just tell him you have the real world to deal with and that he's free to join you when he is ready. Suffer in silence for now because yes, he should feel like you. You're bringing a child into the world with him, and its just plain stupid and selfish of him to let his insecurities create turbulence in the relationship at this point. He's a big boy and he has to grow up a bit and think to himself, look she's pregnant, this isn't easy, but I have to keep my garbage to myself for the sake of someone else. I know this is never popular advice, but its what I always give and its the way I live. You have an idea in your head of what your upper limit is. I'm a little younger than the full on boomer generation, but for some reason, I find that generation in general and their direct children (people in their mid 20s, Generation Y) are spolied brats and don't know how to act like men. (Gen X is probably the least annoying and most self reliant and grown up.)

I have no idea what Wallypop's advice is, even though it seems to dominate this thread. If his point is that husband and wives (or husbands and husbands/wives and wives) want to feel that they are the exclusive emotional interest of their partner, well thats a given and not really a revelation. I'm not understanding why it took him 4 posts to say so. If his advice is, to become a little possessive or jealous of him to make your relationship 'healthier', well this doesn't make sense, because I'm sure he is already your excluse emotional interest. If his advice is to "share" or "nurture" his insecurities, I think that's the absolute worst thing you can do. You'll just end up focusing on them more. When he makes you mad with his "alterior motive" garbage....step back, remind yourself why you love him for at least three different reasons, let him try to sort it out for himself, and it will probably go away. He'll realize you are just totally not interested in listening to him say things for accusations or conflicts sake. Give him attention, either positive or negative for his rediculousness, it perpetruate more of his rediculousness.

If it doesn't, then I'd say get some professional help if you decide you want to continue your marriage.

Throw out everything I've just written if you are in the situtation where he does things like schedule your time with friends, tell you who your friends can be, picks out your clothes for you, doesn't allow you to work, etc. In that case, move in with your sister and mother and have this child on your own.

Sorry to disappoint, but I have nothing to "admit." We are often amused by people who can't seem to stand the fact that we don't have most of the problems other couples do and we've learned not to lose much sleep over it.

Sheesh don't get defensive. All I said was it's normal to feel possessive and jealous sometimes because you're afraid of losing the other person. I was just trying to be nice and you act like I just accused you of child molesting or something. :confused: That's ok. Guess you had a bad day. We've all been there. :(

I have no idea what Wallypop's advice is, even though it seems to dominate this thread. If his point is that husband and wives (or husbands and husbands/wives and wives) want to feel that they are the exclusive emotional interest of their partner, well thats a given and not really a revelation. I'm not understanding why it took him 4 posts to say so.

Well in Wally's defense one of the posts was to explain his advice to me, which I didn't get either, so I don't think he is being long-winded if that's what you're trying to say. LOL

Oh yes...you are correct. It was an explanation in response to you. Many apologies.

I'm just a nerdy guy casually dating a younger woman, but I've been in serious relationships before. I personally don't know what its like to go into a relationship "with baggage," but I assume, and to some degree admit it happens.

I was in a relationship with someone once, who would build up, "I'm up at the bar watching the Jets game" in her mind to: "I'm in a club with scores of attractive women, plying me with alcohol begging me to feel them up, there's loud house music playing, and there happens to be a Jet game on in the background."

Would you like to know what I didn't do? I didn't marry her.

I guess I could have called her and demanded to know who she was out with and ask for a biographical summary of the person who bared a male name. Unfortunately, I'm too old to play games.

To rocarica: either this isn't the dealbreaker (or making you as nuts as) you claim, because you married him in the first place. Or its so infuriating, that really you made a mistake. I've been there, and I can't imagine that you are pregant with his baby and all he can focus on are his 'insecurities.' Anybody, male or female, who always thinks there is some alterior motive, is really just being selfish. Its hard for them to believe that sometimes things aren't always about them. If you are already married, and you are not going to break up the marriage because of it, I would just totally ignore him. Focus on your pregnancy and your child, that's many times more important in the grand scheme of things than "sharing feelings" with your husband regarding his "insecurities." If that's his personality, then no amount of "sharing" will ever change it. If its not, then its personal short term issue and he'll work through it on his own. Give him attention for doing it, he'll keep doing it. You get your point across here much better with non-action, so next time he grandstands, just tell him you have the real world to deal with and that he's free to join you when he is ready. Suffer in silence for now because yes, he should feel like you. You're bringing a child into the world with him, and its just plain stupid and selfish of him to let his insecurities create turbulence in the relationship at this point. He's a big boy and he has to grow up a bit and think to himself, look she's pregnant, this isn't easy, but I have to keep my garbage to myself for the sake of someone else. I know this is never popular advice, but its what I always give and its the way I live. You have an idea in your head of what your upper limit is. I'm a little younger than the full on boomer generation, but for some reason, I find that generation in general and their direct children (people in their mid 20s, Generation Y) are spolied brats and don't know how to act like men. (Gen X is probably the least annoying and most self reliant and grown up.)

I have no idea what Wallypop's advice is, even though it seems to dominate this thread. If his point is that husband and wives (or husbands and husbands/wives and wives) want to feel that they are the exclusive emotional interest of their partner, well thats a given and not really a revelation. I'm not understanding why it took him 4 posts to say so. If his advice is, to become a little possessive or jealous of him to make your relationship 'healthier', well this doesn't make sense, because I'm sure he is already your excluse emotional interest. If his advice is to "share" or "nurture" his insecurities, I think that's the absolute worst thing you can do. You'll just end up focusing on them more. When he makes you mad with his "alterior motive" garbage....step back, remind yourself why you love him for at least three different reasons, let him try to sort it out for himself, and it will probably go away. He'll realize you are just totally not interested in listening to him say things for accusations or conflicts sake. Give him attention, either positive or negative for his rediculousness, it perpetruate more of his rediculousness.

If it doesn't, then I'd say get some professional help if you decide you want to continue your marriage.

Throw out everything I've just written if you are in the situtation where he does things like schedule your time with friends, tell you who your friends can be, picks out your clothes for you, doesn't allow you to work, etc. In that case, move in with your sister and mother and have this child on your own.
great advice :)

Sheesh don't get defensive. All I said was it's normal to feel possessive and jealous sometimes because you're afraid of losing the other person. I was just trying to be nice and you act like I just accused you of child molesting or something. :confused: That's ok. Guess you had a bad day. We've all been there. :(

Sorry... I think you're reading too much into my reply, I wasn't that upset - merely stating a fact and noting that the thread was moving off topic a bit. The thread isn't supposed to be about my relationship or my "advice." Speaking of baggage, I've had both happen on this forum before and I probably tend to try to "nip it in the bud."

While I do care when I feel like people are questioning my relationship, I could frankly care less whether or not people agree with what I post.

That's also why I'm not responding to the other accusations now developing. We're supposed to be offering opinions and advice, not "one-upping" each other and picking apart each other's advice.

Sorry... I think you're reading too much into my reply, I wasn't that upset - merely stating a fact and noting that the thread was moving off topic a bit. The thread isn't supposed to be about my relationship or my "advice." Speaking of baggage, I've had both happen on this forum before and I probably tend to try to "nip it in the bud."

Wait you've had people try to pick apart your relationship here? Is this not a safe place to talk about relationship issues? :confused: I don't think that is right. :( Why do peopple do that? And where were the moderators when that happened? :mad: Wally you need a hug! (((HUG)))