Partner or Older Lover ?

A problem, I have to choose between my partner and my Older lover. There is no right or wrong, just a unhappy situation that needs fixing.
I have been with my partner for about 15 years, a partner that I love dearly but love only as a sister. We get on together, but nothing deeper on a relationship basis. My partner has a non existent sex drive, and yes you guessed, I have a extremely high sex drive.
I know many people will point fingers and say this can be addressed, and it can on some level, but it's a simple fact that we are sexually at different ends of the spectrum, and we don't meet anywhere near the middle. We have no sexual contact, and exchange a polite kiss on the cheek as we leave for work.
My partner is very attractive, whom I still fancy to no avail. For years I have expressed the desire to have children, kept asking knowing that she, I feel would actually like to me a mother if she had them, but she always has a answer or avoids the situation altogether. I beleived if i had a child i would sacrifice a sexual relationship.
She doesnt work full time and fills her spare time by shopping and visiting her mother.
Her Mother has a uncontrollable hold over her. My partner puts her mother above everyone, she phones her about 3 times a day even when she sees her, and seems to be under some kind of spell ! I am woken at the weekends by her downstairs on the phone for what seams to be hours....
Anyway all this over the years has produced a ****tail of upset for me, and when I changed jobs I met the most wonderful adoring caring Older women, whom showed me what it means to love, and puts me first , so we have over the past 2 years being seeing each other and having a affair. My lover is 12 years older than me (55), and has 3 grown children, and grandchildren.
It has got to the stage now where I have to be fair to all of us, my lover whom cannot afford to waste her life waiting for me, my partner to be fair to her, and me to stop all the turmoil, I have been going through.
My lover wants me to leave my partner and move in with her. I think I want to do this, as she is a fun loving person who loves me for who I am, who I adore and have grown close to. The downside is she is older, and I wanted children.
My partner I nearly walked out on last year, until she broke down in tears, and I reconsidered to try to ease things. I told her I was unhappy about no sexual contact. I said I was tired of coming below her mum and dad. I was tired and fed up of her always talking to her mum etc.etc.
True to form she bucked up for a few months we had sex once, and now things are back as before.
Now the reason I haven't gone and maybe why I stayed, is basically she is very fragile, and totally dominated by her mother. I have many times told her she has to change for her own good, and she says she can help being the way she is, and I realise she can't help this, she doesn't want to be this way, it's just the way she has been brought up.

Also she has no life outside either me of her mother, so when I leave she will have to go home, and albeit reunited with her mum, I worry she will be stuck there, and as I said at the start still love her as a sister.

My lover has been nothing but understanding up until now, She doesn't deserve to be treated like this by me, so I need to try to get the strength to leave. I know the only reason I put up with my partner and her selfish ways is because I have my lover. If she left me it would destroy me, so why do I risk that destruction by not leaving my partner?

I have always been very attracted to Older women, and my Lover meets my every need, emotionally and sexually, she is all i could hope for, and all my fantasys come true, I wonder however if i am subconsiously hesitating because
i always expected to be a dad, although i am now getting older, and the perceived problems of a relationship with a older women !

How can I gain the strength to make that move? Why do I worry about someone who doesn't worry about me?

sorry if this is a bit jumbled, i have left lots out, but i hope you get an idea, its my first post

any advice or thoughts would be welcome !!!

what the heck's a "partner"? :confused:

a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife???

and all i hear is a bunch of neg. in regards to said "partner"........didn't see anything good that i recall.

why are you even with this "partner"?

what the heck's a "partner"? :confused:

a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife???

and all i hear is a bunch of neg. in regards to said "partner"........didn't see anything good that i recall.

why are you even with this "partner"?

Trace,

I was posting similar questions and the server timed out :eek: :eek:

Redjag, why did you marry/partner with this woman if it is as bad as you say it is? I think you need to get your house in order big time.

Hmm...you're pretty much caught between rock and hard place, huh? Your current partner can't give you sex, and your lover can't give you children....and both are things you say you want (and understandably so).

It sounds like your lover is someone you've turned to in order to meet some of your more urgent needs which are not being satisfied.....but if children are THAT improtant to you, she doesn't sound like the right person for you either.

Sadly, in order to have what you say you want, you'll either need to find someone else or compromise either way. I don't envy your decision.....these are peopel you love adn I'm sure you don't want to be without them in your life.

You're 43....your lover is 55.......how old is your partner?

what the heck's a "partner"? :confused:

a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife???

and all i hear is a bunch of neg. in regards to said "partner"........didn't see anything good that i recall.

why are you even with this "partner"?

oh snap Trace!!!!! you look gorgeous in that pic!!!! he's a lucky man!!!

regarding the question at hand...if you are not married to this gal, perhaps it is time to move on? i know that sounds simplistic...but some relationships do not last a lifetime...

My opinion in a nutshell, not lots of time to get philosophical here now but I suggest that you ask your partner to go to counseling with you or by herself, but then you need it too to get your priorities on the right order. So go to therapy, please.

Help your partner get strong continue to be his (as you have called her) sister, help her be independent if she so wishes. It is only up to her to change her ways, you cannot make her change if she is not willing.

And in regards to your OW, let her go.

Start anew... In the long run you will resent both of the ladies.

Let go... Do it now while you can. The more you stay in both relationship the more hurt everybody will suffer at the end.

Remember you cannot have the cake and eat it too, so you must prioritize what you want out of life and go for it, but take the consequences of your actions as well and stand up for what you believe in.

Good luck to you!

SoraNoYume FYI, the poster is 55, not 43.

Many here think that 55 is too late to start a family... so you might get some heat from that revelation (at least for women anyway :D ). Since you want children, would you consider adoption? There are so many kids that need a good Father figure so don't give up on your dream.

I have had the type of crossroads that you seem to be at, and a counselor really helped me get to the heart of what I wanted to do. That is where I would start anyway. Good luck to you!

Why would any of these women want anything to do with an emotionally bankrupt person is beyond me. Desparation, maybe.

One is choking the life out of you and the other is using emotional blackmail for you to stay with her. One you care about as a sister and with the other you get your freak on. Nothing about caring, nothing about loving, nothing about the basic decency to respect them.

You know what you have to do. Yes, you can try therapy, but the truth of the matter its someone else's problem with you, you dont want to push any buttons. i understand, no one wants to intentionally be the bad person or inflict pain on another, but pain is going to be inflicted its just a case of when and working through that pain as rapidly as possible. But don't you realize that the more you sit on the fence, the more everyone, including you will stay in pain and no one will move forward.

What your problem is, is in thinking that you are such a life saver that both these women need you. They don't, not someone who cheats. Someone, in this case you since you are the one who is unhappy, are going to have to be the better person and move on. Not because there's someone waiting for you in the background, shame on you, you should've started something so deep before you finish with your first relationship, but because you want to do the right thing.

Neither one of these women can offer you what you want. Don't confuse a good sex life for the capability to have children with someone else. Those feelings don't go away that easily.

Find a quiet place where you can be inspire to remain true to yourself. Once you do that, everything will be much clearer and you're not out there trying to juggle all these decisions. Good luck.

Paris

Ooh, IR Paris.

I love your posts - really no sitting on the fence with you, hey?

However, I have to say - is that not a bit harsh? :eek: I agree, cheating is not a good thing (Japan's under-statement of the year). But this poster seems to care enough to put an end to his situation one way or another.

Might be me getting it wrong - see if Redjag comes back.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply with your opinions, all of which are valid, I also don’t shy away from your criticism. To clarify matters, I am 43 living with a female of 41, however not married, and hence I called her my partner. My lover is 55.
I appreciate no one will side with a "cheat" but I have given a lot to this long term relationship, so feel I have tried. Its is difficult for me to condense my feelings and relationships in a brief post. so apologise for maybe not giving a good balance account.

I certainly don’t think I am a lifesaver whom both women need, I would however agree I am on the fence. which was the reason for the post in the first place. together with my ultimate need for closure.

No criticism here, redjag. You've made choices and now you've got more choices - it's the human condition, but I'm not sure I understand your dilemma, other than maybe wanting a child and and wanting to leave your partner, who did not provide you with a child, for a lover, who you assume will not provide you with a child, which I think you REALLY have to think about.

Do you believe that you are doing something good for your partner by staying with her while having sex with someone else? Has she voiced this? And if she has said that she wants you to stay in a sexless relationship with her and a sex-relationship with your lover, what is the problem? Is your lover applying pressure for you to leave your partner? Do you want to leave your partner but you feel guilty and you are looking for some words from us to help you leave while assuaging your guilt? Do you just want support and approval for having sex outside a sexless relationship? Did you just want to post your situation and your feelings?

Ooops, okay! Just read your post again and I see what you wanted addressed: "How can I gain the strength to make that move? Why do I worry about someone who doesn't worry about me?"

It is possible that you are paralyzed by guilt about wanting to leave your partner to move in with your lover. You can overcome this through counselling or various self-help books. I highly recommend that you find a method for releasing this guilt as it does no one any good - not your partner, not your lover, and not you, UNLESS you like the situation like it is and really have no desire to change it OR unless you simply fear change and are using the guilt as an excuse to avoid change OR if you are just stalling until someone else makes the decision for you. I think the first thing you need to do is to make a thorough examination of yourself. I know that, as a man, you can separate having sex from hurting someone that you love/d, but I am not convinced that worrying about your partner is your main problem.

My lover has been nothing but understanding up until now, She doesn't deserve to be treated like this by me, so I need to try to get the strength to leave.

Well, Japan, No, I try not to sit on the fence for too long, it solves nothing and hurts me in the process. I have watch g/fs agonize too many times over what is essentially simple, non complex choices that they needed to make because they didn't want to hurt anyone or they were so emotionally invested with the relationship they all but turn zombies. The truth of it is, he is going to hurt people here. Redjag...you are going to hurt a woman whose done nothing but just be unavailable physically but who is basically a good person and she did not deserve to be cheated on by a partner who she has basically trusted and respected (and I believe most of us here will argue that one of the main components in getting involve with any man is and to develop a good strong stable relationship is trust and respect). Redjag, you've taken that privilege and abused it.

Then there's the woman he's cheated with, who he's cheating as well because although they have a fantastic relationship, he's also saying that after 2 years, he's not sure he can fulfill his obligation to her as part of a relationship partnership any more, because he wants children. And for many of yous, this is the crux of your ow/ym relationships, it weighs heavily in your hearts. I read pain there as if asking yourselves, "when is it going to be my turn".

In my opinion, he's cheating both of them, but the person he's cheating the most is himself, because he can't make a simple decision on getting what HE wants and needs, which is just as important to him. Maybe because of the way he's living his life, maybe he feels he doesn't deserve it or real happiness. So he's short changing himself, but everyone in this situation deserves to be happy. Sometimes that comes at the expense of others, although not intentional. But this cheating IS intentional and that's not fair or right to either women. And when you're not making the right decisions for your life, I believe your life as you know it is not well balance. Not on an even keel.

So you are conflicted in your thought processes and there's no peace within your soul. you went in through the back door and now you found out too late that the the front door is locked and the windows are barricaded. Now you have to find some other way of getting out before you saffocate. Its not a good feeling this need to breathe but once you're outside you can, hence the need to find a quiet place and get inspire and make a choice. Whether you stay or go, its the same scenario for either women, your partner will stay bonded to her mother and the ow cannot give you children, so what exactly do you have to lose here.

paris

Personally, life is short. I know you've been with this other woman but it was time to move on some time ago. Trying to make things work that no longer work or cannot be fixed only makes every one unhappy. It's just too bad that it happened this way. It would have been better to end your first relationship then begin another. But, ah well. I say be with the one you love. She may only live a few years, or she may live another 20-30 years, but you may still have to make that choice again one day. But make each other happy now. You won't regret what you did, you may regret what you never did.