Need Advice/Feedback - PLEASE HELP

How young is too young for an adult man to be dating? I ask because I'm in a relationship with a 37 year old man (I myself am 25). I don't find age gaps of any sort to be disturbing, but I do find men who date women who are under the age of 21 to be disturbing.

I found out the other day that when 'Mike' (not his real name) was 32, he was in a sexually active relationship with an 18 year old. He believes that there was no harm in this, because she was a very 'mature' 18 year old. My objection is that I was once a very 'mature' 17 year old. I lived on my own, payed my own rent, eventually bought my own house, went to college, always maintained a full time RESPECTABLE career - all without the assistance of family or friends. Boy, was I mature... and though I didn't recognize it then, I was also extremely vulnerable. I wanted to be treated like an adult, so I dressed like an adult, talked like an adult, spent time with adults - but now, looking back, I realize that I was still a child trying to develop her own sense of self. If anything, my want to be 'taken seriously' as an adult, left me more vulnerable to adults who could have easily taken this desire to exploit me. To hear that this girl was 'mature', only tells me that perhaps she would have done anything in the world, even sleep with a man she wasn't in love with, just to believe that she was 'mature'.

So my question is this - at what 'age' do you think a girl is too young to be dating a full grown man? I'm just looking for a general consensus here and well thought out feedback. Clearly we all set boundaries on what we believe is acceptable and not-acceptable, and I need to know if perhaps my own objection is too short sighted. Mike originally said that because she's technically 'legal', it wasn't a 'big deal'. Where I live, 17 is legal, and when I asked if it wasn't a big deal if she had been 17, he did hesitate and then said he wouldn't have slept with her. So what do you think? PLEASE help me put my mind to ease. I'm really not sure if I'm over-reacting. He says she came on to him - I say that as an adult, he should not have gotten involved. Am I being overly prudish???? I'm willing to change my opinion, but I can't do that if I don't know whether or not I'm justified in feeling this way. Am I the only one who has a problem with this?? I'm going crazy over this!

Help!

Christina

18 is an adult. Legally, an 18 year old is able to make her own choices and her own mistakes. Granted, some 18 year olds cant, but then again neither can some 50 year olds.

As far as an "adult man" is concerned, an 18 year old male is an adult man. I personally believe this society keeps prolonging adolescence and it really disables the younger people. By 18, you should know how to take care of yourself. Of course, you learn things your entire life, so a 35 year old SHOULD know more about the world. But, that doesnt mean he needs to limit himself to dating only other 35 year olds.

I think your question also depends on the person. Some 18 year olds are more mature than others. Some 18 year olds probably have more life experience than you do at 25.

Under 18 is obviously too young, as a society we've decided that human beings are too vulnerable and childlike to be in the "Real World" until they reach the magic number of 18. However, we shouldnt continue to handicap what they can and cannot do after that number. If we start down that road, pretty soon people wont be allowed to have much of a life til they are 40. For thousands of years people have been able to raise families at ages much younger than 18. I dont think we can now sit here and say at 18 these people are not capable of handling a relationship.

18 is an adult. Legally, an 18 year old is able to make her own choices and her own mistakes. Granted, some 18 year olds cant, but then again neither can some 50 year olds.

Under 18 is obviously too young, as a society we've decided that human beings are too vulnerable and childlike to be in the "Real World" until they reach the magic number of 18. However, we shouldnt continue to handicap what they can and cannot do after that number. If we start down that road, pretty soon people wont be allowed to have much of a life til they are 40. For thousands of years people have been able to raise families at ages much younger than 18. I dont think we can now sit here and say at 18 these people are not capable of handling a relationship.

I do agree that some 18 year olds are very mature. But I still have a problem with saying it's the magic number just because it's legal. (Plus, where I live, 17 is legal)

I'm guessing that there are many 18 year old women who are mature enough to be involved in an adult relationship with a 30 year old man. I'm also guessing that there are many 18 year old 'girls', who would do anything a 30 year old man asked them to do (sex), simply to seek acceptance to feel like an adult. But your comment does help, because I suppose now I at least understand what my real issue is. It should probably be whether or not my boyfriend had only good intentions, or if he was just looking to get his dick wet in some girl who maybe didn't know any better. I'm still concerned though that good intentions or not, it would still be exploitation of a youth if her interest was only to try and please for acceptance. How could one ever really tell?..

If anything, my want to be 'taken seriously' as an adult, left me more vulnerable to adults who could have easily taken this desire to exploit me. To hear that this girl was 'mature', only tells me that perhaps she would have done anything in the world, even sleep with a man she wasn't in love with, just to believe that she was 'mature'.

So my question is this - at what 'age' do you think a girl is too young to be dating a full grown man? I'm just looking for a general consensus here and well thought out feedback. Clearly we all set boundaries on what we believe is acceptable and not-acceptable, and I need to know if perhaps my own objection is too short sighted. Mike originally said that because she's technically 'legal', it wasn't a 'big deal'. Where I live, 17 is legal, and when I asked if it wasn't a big deal if she had been 17, he did hesitate and then said he wouldn't have slept with her. So what do you think? PLEASE help me put my mind to ease. I'm really not sure if I'm over-reacting. He says she came on to him - I say that as an adult, he should not have gotten involved. Am I being overly prudish???? I'm willing to change my opinion, but I can't do that if I don't know whether or not I'm justified in feeling this way. Am I the only one who has a problem with this?? I'm going crazy over this!


It should probably be whether or not my boyfriend had only good intentions, or if he was just looking to get his dick wet in some girl who maybe didn't know any better. I'm still concerned though that good intentions or not, it would still be exploitation of a youth if her interest was only to try and please for acceptance.


You are in a relationship with a 14 year age gap. You are "concerned" about a relationship your current significant other had previously, that also had a 14 year age gap.

Do you know her? You write much about her and what she may or may not have been doing (i.e. trying to please; looking for acceptance; she would have done anything like sleep with a man she wasn't in love with just to believe she was mature; as an adult he should not have gotten involved.) This sounds to me like nothing more and nothing less than you are jealous of your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. You don't like the idea that your boyfriend was with another woman, especially another 'younger' woman. Do you want to hear, "No that's awful, he shouldn't have been with her. He was exploiting her. There's no way they could have really been in love. Their 14 year age gap relationship is not worth condoning (but yours is)"?

You'll never know if they were in love or not. If you ask him, be prepared for him to say, "Yes, I loved her." Otherwise, I say let the whole thing go. You weren't part of that relationship. It has nothing to do with you and is not yours to judge. If they were happy for a time, then those are facts you can't change. Use your energy to move forward instead of "going crazy" over his past. Assuming he's not still calling her, being jealous of his ex-girlfriend won't help your relationship.

You are in a relationship with a 14 year age gap. You are "concerned" about a relationship your current significant other had previously, that also had a 14 year age gap.

Do you know her? You write much about her and what she may or may not have been doing (i.e. trying to please; looking for acceptance; she would have done anything like sleep with a man she wasn't in love with just to believe she was mature; as an adult he should not have gotten involved.) This sounds to me like nothing more and nothing less than you are jealous of your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. You don't like the idea that your boyfriend was with another woman, especially another 'younger' woman. Do you want to hear, "No that's awful, he shouldn't have been with her. He was exploiting her. There's no way they could have really been in love. Their 14 year age gap relationship is not worth condoning (but yours is)"?

You'll never know if they were in love or not. If you ask him, be prepared for him to say, "Yes, I loved her." Otherwise, I say let the whole thing go. You weren't part of that relationship. It has nothing to do with you and is not yours to judge. If they were happy for a time, then those are facts you can't change. Use your energy to move forward instead of "going crazy" over his past. Assuming he's not still calling her, being jealous of his ex-girlfriend won't help your relationship.


Easy there. I think you need to go back and re-read my post. I clearly state that I have no problem with age gaps, but that I do feel there is a limit on when the youth of an individual may make things inappropriate. I'm sure you would agree that a 13 year old girl shouldn't be dating a 27 year old man - even though this too is also a 14 year gap.

Please don't take my words out of context, or assume that I am placing negative judgement on this young girl. This was a relationship my boyfriend had 5 years ago that I just found out about, and my only concern is of his moral standings - not hers. As this was 5 years ago, this was also not the most recent of his past relationships. I live down the street from his ex-wife (that is how we met!) and have been assisting his most current ex-girlfriend in finding a new apartment (as she's in a transition period). Very uncool for you to judge me like that. Thanks.

Easy there. I think you need to go back and re-read my post. I clearly state that I have no problem with age gaps, but that I do feel there is a limit on when the youth of an individual may make things inappropriate. I'm sure you would agree that a 13 year old girl shouldn't be dating a 27 year old man - even though this too is also a 14 year gap.

Please don't take my words out of context, or assume that I am placing negative judgement on this young girl. This was a relationship my boyfriend had 5 years ago that I just found out about, and my only concern is of his moral standings - not hers. As this was 5 years ago, this was also not the most recent of his past relationships. I live down the street from his ex-wife (that is how we met!) and have been assisting his most current ex-girlfriend in finding a new apartment (as she's in a transition period). Very uncool for you to judge me like that. Thanks.
You're right, it isnt right to pass judgement on people so quickly. However, that is the tone in which your original post was written. The reply was written without knowing much about you just as your post was written questioning your bf's moral character without knowing anything about the girl or the relationship.

There is no magic number. Of course children should not be engaged in sexual activity with adults. However, the lines blur between child and adult when you reach the late teen/early 20 stage. I can say with complete honesty that by 16 I knew basically what I wanted out of life and I would not and did not do anything to please people in order to fit in. In fact, thats part of what attracted my hubby, I knew what I wanted and I wasnt going to let someone keep me from accomplishing what I wanted to accomplish.

That being said, there are also 30, 40, even 50 somethings that will do anything to make people like them. I think everyone knows people pleasers. You cant do anything about them, they have to get burned enough to learn to stand up for themselves. That fact doesnt change no matter how old a person gets.

17 or 18 has been picked as the adult age because a MAJORITY of people are capable of taking care of themselves at that point. Unless you can propose a way in which each individual teenager can be tested for their adult-abilities, an age just has to be picked. Once that age is reached they should be treated as adults. As adults, they should be able to engage in whatever adult relationship they choose with other adults.

A 14 year difference isnt that much. And 5 years ago your bf was probably an entirely different person in an entirely different place in life. You really can never accurately judge a relationship you arent in. There are just too many factors that contribute to the overall acceptability of the relationship.

You're right, it isnt right to pass judgement on people so quickly. However, that is the tone in which your original post was written.

A 14 year difference isnt that much. And 5 years ago your bf was probably an entirely different person in an entirely different place in life. You really can never accurately judge a relationship you arent in. There are just too many factors that contribute to the overall acceptability of the relationship.


I do apologize if that is the tone that was picked up by my original post. I've re-read it myself, but I do believe that it was very carefully written not to impose any judgement of my own onto this girl, other than my personal feeling that 18 is too young an age. Words such as 'perhaps' imply uncertainty, and were only used to suggest my personal opinion that at this age, too many of us (maybe not all - hence the words of uncertainty) believe that we know more about the world than we actually do (which unfortunately, we can't logically come to realize until later on in life). This wasn't intended as a sweeping generalization of 'how this girl was' or how all '18 year old girls' are.

And I agree, a 14 year difference isn't that much. My last relationship was with a man who was 20 years my elder. Again, it's not the age gap that concerns me. It's whether or not my boyfriend is the type of man who respects women. If he was looking to take advantage of a young girl, or if he was clearly in love with her - that's what I suppose I really want to know, what would really set my soul at ease. Clearly, not a jealousy issue, as it would delight me to know for a fact that his relationship with this girl was for all the 'right' reasons. Unfortunately, I suppose that's something I can't determine with the facts that I have. I do see some solstice in your reminder that having been 5 years, he may indeed be a completely different person anyways - which would make all of this not worth my time to ponder.

Easy there. I think you need to go back and re-read my post. I clearly state that I have no problem with age gaps, but that I do feel there is a limit on when the youth of an individual may make things inappropriate. I'm sure you would agree that a 13 year old girl shouldn't be dating a 27 year old man - even though this too is also a 14 year gap.

Please don't take my words out of context, or assume that I am placing negative judgement on this young girl. This was a relationship my boyfriend had 5 years ago that I just found out about, and my only concern is of his moral standings - not hers. As this was 5 years ago, this was also not the most recent of his past relationships. I live down the street from his ex-wife (that is how we met!) and have been assisting his most current ex-girlfriend in finding a new apartment (as she's in a transition period). Very uncool for you to judge me like that. Thanks.

I didn't say you made a moral judgement about his ex-girlfriend. I said you made a judgement. Here is your question:

"So my question is this - at what 'age' do you think a girl is too young to be dating a full grown man?"

You are very clearly talking about her, not him. If that's not what you "meant" to say, fine. I understand that people misspeak, or mistype, whatever the case may be. To the point of that question, the answer is as simple as researching the age of consent laws in your state. This you apparently have already done, so you've answered your own question. Yet still you have a lot of speculation of what this girl may have been thinking and may have wanted. All I said was it didn't sound much like you wanted verficiation of your boyfriend's moral character, it sounded like you wanted a degradation of hers.

Speaking of which, you say this relationship was 5 years ago, and not his most recent former relationship. Then you go on to mention his ex-wife, whom apparently you know, and his ex-girlfriend whom you are helping move (is this out of HIS place?). You made it sound, let me stress this point, so I'm not accused of 'judging'...but you made it sound like in 5 years he had one girlfriend, a wife, and then another girlfriend.

I'm currently in a relationship, but if I were just getting together with a girl and she told me in the past 5 years she was in a sexual relationship (and I had the slightest inkling that it may have been solely to get her ***** wet), then married to a guy, then dating a guy, I would "lose" her number. And then I'd take an HIV test just to make sure (assuming you've had sex with him. I never said you did or didn't and neither did you.)

Sorry just saw your post: "If he was looking to take advantage of a young girl, or if he was clearly in love with her - that's what I suppose I really want to know, what would really set my soul at ease. Clearly, not a jealousy issue, as it would delight me to know for a fact that his relationship with this girl was for all the 'right' reasons. Unfortunately, I suppose that's something I can't determine with the facts that I have."

I defer back to my earlier advice. Just ask him. Or I guess you can go on a fact finding mission, track her down, and her friends and interview them. You can also just ask him. Short of the fact finding mission, you'll just have to believe his answer.

I didn't say you made a moral judgement about his ex-girlfriend. I said you made a judgement. Here is your question:

"So my question is this - at what 'age' do you think a girl is too young to be dating a full grown man?"

You are very clearly talking about her, not him. If that's not what you "meant" to say, fine. I understand that people misspeak, or mistype, whatever the case may be. To the point of that question, the answer is as simple as researching the age of consent laws in your state. This you apparently have already done, so you've answered your own question. Yet still you have a lot of speculation of what this girl may have been thinking and may have wanted. All I said was it didn't sound much like you wanted verficiation of your boyfriend's moral character, it sounded like you wanted a degradation of hers.

Speaking of which, you say this relationship was 5 years ago, and not his most recent former relationship. Then you go on to mention his ex-wife, whom apparently you know, and his ex-girlfriend whom you are helping move (is this out of HIS place?). You made it sound, let me stress this point, so I'm not accused of 'judging'...but you made it sound like in 5 years he had one girlfriend, a wife, and then another girlfriend.

I'm currently in a relationship, but if I were just getting together with a girl and she told me in the past 5 years she was in a sexual relationship (and I had the slightest inkling that it may have been solely to get her ***** wet), then married to a guy, then dating a guy, I would "lose" her number. And then I'd take an HIV test just to make sure (assuming you've had sex with him. I never said you did or didn't and neither did you.)

Sorry just saw your post: "If he was looking to take advantage of a young girl, or if he was clearly in love with her - that's what I suppose I really want to know, what would really set my soul at ease. Clearly, not a jealousy issue, as it would delight me to know for a fact that his relationship with this girl was for all the 'right' reasons. Unfortunately, I suppose that's something I can't determine with the facts that I have."

I defer back to my earlier advice. Just ask him. Or I guess you can go on a fact finding mission, track her down, and her friends and interview them. You can also just ask him. Short of the fact finding mission, you'll just have to believe his answer.

Sure, I'll ask him. But um... If he was just banging her to get his rox off - do you HONESTLY think he'd admit to that??

Clearly I must have struck a chord with you, as you seem to have either a severe issue with myself, or just severe issues in general. I have an inkling of a feeling that you yourself are only 18 and have taken personal offense to something I said that was not directed towards you, or you simply haven't anything better to do then to try and start posting wars. Yes, he was married - for 12 years to the same women. They met in college and divorced when he turned 32. They share an 8 year old son, of whome they split custody 50/50 - so he is frequently in 'our' neighborhood. The 18 year old was a 2 month relationship not too long after his divorce. She ended up leaving the area to finish college in NYC - and never returned back - he is not in touch with her and hasn't heard from her in 5 years. He was then in two separate 2 year relationships. The last of which he had broken up with nearly 6 months before ever having met myself. They remain friendly - and I have become fairly close to the girl. Her roommate just recently moved, and since I have a friend who is looking for a roommate, I've offered to introduce them to each other. Now that I've offered you an entire history of his relationships as I know them, as well as my relationship with his ex, I hope I have set YOUR mind at ease.

As this has clearly gone off topic, I'd like to re-iterate to anyone who is interested in actually responding to my original question how young is too young for an adult to be pursuing sexual relations with a teenager?

Thank you.

Sure, I'll ask him. But um... If he was just banging her to get his rox off - do you HONESTLY think he'd admit to that??


As this has clearly gone off topic, I'd like to re-iterate to anyone who is interested in actually responding to my original question how young is too young for an adult to be pursuing sexual relations with a teenager?

Thank you.
This may still be a bit off the original topic, but yeah I think he would admit that. If you're in a trusting, loving relationship with a man who is open and honest with you, he should be able to admit to having a fling with a young woman. I know my husband has had flings in the past, in fact he lived with two women for awhile because they just all enjoyed each other. But, I also know how he feels about responcibility and where he stands morally, so I dont find problem with what he's done in the past.

If you really want to know and you really love and trust the man, then ask him and accept his answer as the truth. If she was right after his divorce, he may have been rebounding and not truly in love with her, but I dont think that lessens his moral character any.

As far as the original post, I think anything illegal is too young. Sex is not worth the concequences, and if it truly is true love, it can wait til its legal. Everything else has to be based solely on the individuals.

This may still be a bit off the original topic, but yeah I think he would admit that. If you're in a trusting, loving relationship with a man who is open and honest with you, he should be able to admit to having a fling with a young woman. I know my husband has had flings in the past, in fact he lived with two women for awhile because they just all enjoyed each other. But, I also know how he feels about responcibility and where he stands morally, so I dont find problem with what he's done in the past.

If you really want to know and you really love and trust the man, then ask him and accept his answer as the truth. If she was right after his divorce, he may have been rebounding and not truly in love with her, but I dont think that lessens his moral character any.

As far as the original post, I think anything illegal is too young. Sex is not worth the concequences, and if it truly is true love, it can wait til its legal. Everything else has to be based solely on the individuals.

That may be reasonable to assume I suppose... The thing is, I didn't react very well when it was brought up (I didn't get angry and yell or anything, but the reaction of shock was clear - I don't have a good poker face.). Pretty much, I was left speachless, because for me at least - it is a big deal - and he was left asking if I still wanted to see him... I told him I needed to sleep on it and figure out how I felt about it in the morning. I just get the feeling that my reaction, probably would be incentive for him to say what he thinks I want to hear him say... I am honestly going to ask him though. Speaking of which, it's time for me to start heading home. We're meeting up tonight, hopefully everything will get situated (we're going straight to happy hour - not to sound like an alchy, but I think if I have a drink or two, I'll be more receptive to listen to him, lol). Wish me luck.

And I do agree with you on that last one. Maybe part of my problem (that I forgot to mention), was that I was also once the foster parent of an 11 year old girl who was sexually assaulted - and - she will be 17 (legal age here) this April. I think of her often, don't know where she is now. I think a part of me wants to treat all girls in her age range as my daughter or maybe I try and super-impose her traits onto other young girls. I get protective. Saddens me to be without her.

Gotta go,

Thanks,

Christina

I have nothing against you. You haven't struck any chords with me, believe me. I can't stress that enough.

I will admit that I would have a slight adversion to a relationship with someone who's history in the past 5 years includes a divorce from a wife, a fling, and two serious girlfriends (2 years each) and you. Its just that many of the people I am close to haven't had that many relationships in their lives (or at least the first 43 years of it, excluding high school.)

All the misunderstandings are of your own making. This may be another misunderstanding, but considering you were a foster parent at age 19(or 20) but question the possibility that your current boyfriend could have a 2 month sexual relationship (that was not just consensual in words, but consenual in feelings and maturity) at age 18. This also may be a misunderstanding, but considering you really want the truth from him (which you seem to incinuate that he won't provide) and also considering that you say you were the foster parent of an 11 year old who is turning 17 (17-11 = 6, 25-6 = 19 and every state at least in the US requires a foster parent who is 21 or older), I get the sense that there are enough "honesty issues" to go around.

Maybe this is male perspective, maybe this is perspective of someone who is much older than you, but I do think that as far as having your questions answered regarding the 2 month relationship with the 18, you are opening a pandoras box. Is it about him getting his rocks off? Or is it about her? This is what I really don't understand. You say it'd better if he loved her. Does he love you?
Would it matter if she were 30 years old, or 50 years old and just getting his rocks off? I really can't and won't ever know if this is about him, you or her, and I'll never know. I'm just offering my perspective and saying think about this before you end up at happy hour grilling him.

As far as your original question:
As missymissus said: "As far as the original post, I think anything illegal is too young. Sex is not worth the concequences, and if it truly is true love, it can wait til its legal. Everything else has to be based solely on the individuals."

I wholeheartedly concur. I will add, the individuals, if they are underage, do have to defer to their legal guardians judgement, if those judgements are competent.

Again, it's not the age gap that concerns me. It's whether or not my boyfriend is the type of man who respects women. If he was looking to take advantage of a young girl, or if he was clearly in love with her - that's what I suppose I really want to know, what would really set my soul at ease.

I understand what you saying here, as I have found myself in similar situations before with dating. Not so much the same scenario, but finding out my s/o has done something that I didn't feel too good about. These scenarios have no easy answers. For me, it's usually the beginning of the end when this happens, as my whole view of them tends to change. It might be judgemental, but some things are inevitable. For instance, if I dated someone and found out later he had cheated on his previous wife, I'd always wonder if he was gonna do it again. It might affect our entire relationship from that point forward.

Dating an 18yr old isn't the same as cheating, but it makes you uncomfortable. You have some ideas to why it makes you uncomfortable and now you try see if your feelings are justified by polling others. Sometimes feelings can't be justified.... sometimes they just are. What makes one person cringe, another may feel joy. For me personally, anyone that gets drunk makes me uncomfortable. This might seem ridiculous to others, but I was abused as a child by a drunk. This is part of my pathology now, and a trigger if you want to call it that. I accept it's part of who I am and don't date heavy drinkers. It is what it is. Ya know?

I personally think dating an 18yr is within reason if his intent was pure; but only he knows for sure what his intent was. She obviously was not permanently scarred from this experience and it might have been a life lesson for both of them.

At this point, it appears you have two choices.

1) Leave the past in the past and accept whatever explanation he gave; and base your feelings off of who is he now, how he treats you and others around you. Gauge whether if he gains your respect in current everyday life.

2) Let his past eat you alive and kill off any love and respect you have for him; even though he's in a different place now and can't change a thing. You might have to just accept your level of respect for him changed and move on.

I believe everyone deserves a chance to start fresh in life; and I think this is why some things are better left unknown. I wish you the best with this inner struggle.

...but I do find men who date women who are under the age of 21 to be disturbing.

...So my question is this - at what 'age' do you think a girl is too young to be dating a full grown man? I'm just looking for a general consensus here and well thought out feedback. Clearly we all set boundaries on what we believe is acceptable and not-acceptable, and I need to know if perhaps my own objection is too short sighted... Am I the only one who has a problem with this?? I'm going crazy over this!



At some point, the debate becomes the point and the point gets lost. I wonder what the point is... the age of majority or how firmly we hold on to our beliefs?

One of the complications on the age topic is the number of variables.

Laws and rules sometimes give us a false sense of security... we think we are protected because there's a law (some times one we write ourselves) against things or we develop a sense of security because we think vulnerable people (in this case young women) are protected.

It also makes life easy, because we don't have to think and make decisions. So how young is "too young" might be an invalid question, really. It's a question ultimately everyone will answer for him/herself.

It may be against the law if she's under 18, but that won't stop her if she wants to do it and it won't stop him all the time either. The "law" only works if the involved parties respect the law more than their desire.

Sometimes how we make the decision is more important than the decision. I would say that an "older" man has some additional burden when he considers relationships with a significantly younger woman, especially when reaching down into the "under 21" ranks. But I'm not sure there's anything sacred about 21.

If the decision is about emotional maturity... well, there are some women (and men) much older than 21 who can get scratched off the list fairly quickly...

The questions might be these:

1. At what point are we certain that we are not taking advantage of another (based on their age, emotional maturity, intelligence, whatever)?

2. And, how do we make the decision?

Seems to me that we have to allow people the freedom to make their own decisions based on the criteria they want to use, because they are going to do that anyway. Expecting people to do what we want them to do is a formula for disappointment. Laws and rules are necessary but have limited effectiveness -- they may help people think, encourage them to stop and think, but that's about it.

In the final analysis, we get to make rules for ourselves... we get into trouble when we think those rules should apply to everyone else. See how there's a question within a question?

How do I decide the age limit for acceptable sexual relations?
How do I decide when or if that decision is no longer valid?

And the answer is the same: carefully, deliberately, responsibly, with a recognition that it is your decision - that you are responsible for clear thinking and accountable to yourself for the decision.

Kilimanjaro, thats a great post. I wish we had more guys like you on here because it's always helpful to get a thoughtful male perspective on things.

Sometimes we tend to think too much.

I think that you are wasting alot of emotional energy and time worrying about something that by looking only at the facts, does not met out any wrong doing.

She was of a legal age, as was he. They both made a decision to see each other. Without trying to offend you, I hafta say in all honesty that I don't see where it should be any of your business to try to assimilate a chain of events that occured in 2 other people's minds, 5 years ago.

I guess what comes to mind is...

You are with him now. I would assume that you know him well. I would hope that your experience and knowledge of him today would clue you in as to whether he has decent values and morals.

It just doesn't seem that he deserves to be pointedly, or circumspectly alledged to have done some wrong doing when the facts, as our society comprehends, says he did no wrong.

If you have issues with this, then they are your issues, but it in no way means he has done any wrong.

Best of luck.


Shad.

So my question is this - at what 'age' do you think a girl is too young to be dating a full grown man? I'm just looking for a general consensus here and well thought out feedback. Clearly we all set boundaries on what we believe is acceptable and not-acceptable, and I need to know if perhaps my own objection is too short sighted. Mike originally said that because she's technically 'legal', it wasn't a 'big deal'. Where I live, 17 is legal, and when I asked if it wasn't a big deal if she had been 17, he did hesitate and then said he wouldn't have slept with her. So what do you think? PLEASE help me put my mind to ease. I'm really not sure if I'm over-reacting. He says she came on to him - I say that as an adult, he should not have gotten involved. Am I being overly prudish???? I'm willing to change my opinion, but I can't do that if I don't know whether or not I'm justified in feeling this way. Am I the only one who has a problem with this?? I'm going crazy over this!


Hi Expression11

Although I'm not sure the right answer to your question I understand your concern and I just wanted to put this out as “food for thought”

Scientist are now coming to realize that the brain does not reach full development until the early 20's (ie around age 21). That's right! Moreover, the areas in particular that are still undergoing development are those of higher functioning including much of the frontal cortex that controls emotional regulation, problem solving and planning.
So to put it simply .... your brain is not mature, no matter how much you think you are .... until your 20's. (and yes I understand there can be human variation along a curve of development so this is generally speaking)

Honestly, it all depends on the person... so it's really hard to say.

My boyfriend was 19 when he and I started seeing each other. I was 29. I do not think there is anything wrong with me... I always saw him as an adult.

It's funny though, because when I met some of his friends, I realized that 19 year-olds are generally way too young for me. Some of them were much more child-like/immature than he was. So I would never have considered them as part of my dating pool... but he himself was fine. It really depends.