Please help- I'm 22 he's 51

So far our relationship has been secret. We've been dating since sept. and he is ready to get married and have kids right now. I want marriage and kids but im not sure if im completely ready right now. I feel pressure to do it now because he wants children so bad and he feels the time is ticking away. I love him. But i dont know if i can deal with the age difference. When im 30, he'll be 60. I dont find 60 yr old men attractive now so i dont see how i will find them (him) attractive in 10 yrs. I would also be in my sexual prime and he would just start to be fading out.

But he has so much to offer--- he's intelligent, funny, a physician, financially and emotionally secure, a great listener and understands me like no one ever has. He can offer me and our children security. ANd i do love him. Im just not quite ready to make this big decision but he wants me to. I don't know what to do.

Can anyone give me some advice???? I feel like i cant talk to any of my friends or family about this now. They will be too biased and might get me to dump him without fully understanding my feelings towards him and the situation completely.

Is 22 and 51 too big of an age difference? anyone out there with a similar age gap that are doing well? please let me know. i appreciate any help.

katie

22 and 51 is not too big of an age difference if you are both willing to work at it like any other relationship.

My OM and I got married in december, and in Jan he turned 50 and I turned 20. Obviously we havent been married long, only a couple months, but things are working out great.

Keeping your relationship secret is probably not going to help you. Ours was secret for awhile, until I could get up the nerve to tell my parents that I was dating him, and that added alot of stress to the relationship and made me doubt it more. Allowing others to see how happy you are in a relationship seems to take some of that stress off, it almost helps validate your feelings. At least for me, there seemed to be something wrong with the relationship when I felt I had to hide it.

I would try talking to him about your relationship and see how he feels about time. It might be that he doesnt want to have children after a certain age, so he feels the need to rush things. But, it might also just be that he loves you and wants to make you his wife. If you both really love each other, you should be able to talk about these big decisions and come to some sort of an agreement that works for you both. Like, you might agree to date for at least 6 months before you talk about marriage. Talk to him.

Best of luck.

Thanks for your comments. Do you suggest I talk to my mom about it? Ive considered it but i know she will flip out. She flipped out when she found out my last bf was 42 (She googled him...sneaky).

I also have a little apprehension about his true motives. I trust that he does love me. But at one point we broke up and he asked me outright "will you at least have a baby with me..you know how bad I want children". And I was pissed. It made me think thats all he wanted me for--- just a baby machine. Then we got back together but this is always in the back of my mind. What if he just wants to marry me to have kids. I confronted him about this and he said that its absurd and if thats all he wanted he could easily knock up some other girl. Which i suppose is true. But its more socially acceptable when you are married.

I guess I have a lot to think about...

..see & feel. I'm the OM and my YW is well..legal and gap is 35!? Its secret and we don't see "coming out" anytime soon (figure at least another 15 yrs before remotely socially acceptable - but we don't car nore may not wait that long) And its strange, but at my age I have lots of experience w women plus 2 ex-wifes and do not understand it myself but.. my YW is THE BEST THING i have ever met and been with and the closest thing to "real unconditional love" I have ever experienced (cupit or "guy upstairs" sure do have a strange sense of humour! So, while socially things certainly are/will/would be problematic, when you think about it, WHAT does really matter? Happiness and being w someone you like being with and makes you feel amazing, or feeling good about society not frowing on you? (well, for me..when all is said and done..Life is too short as it is and who know what will happen in 10 or 20 years..and as long as there are no regrets ever..GO FOR IT!) But in your case, it seems more to me that you are "in love with the idea or image" as opposed to the man (ie he's a Dr ..financially stable.. etc etc.. but u did not mention how u like him as a man nor things like multiple orgasmns and 12 hr lovemaking session and always beeing soo hot for each other that one starts to feel guilty if that is what is fueling the relationship..and so WHAT if it is as long as the "fuel is there" Also, if you see him as a 60-year old now and admit not being atttracted to "60" and worried about libido, then I thing it may be cruel to move beyond "secret affair" and onto marriage (in divorce court, you'll come across as a gold-digger - can u live w that stigma? ;) As for him, being 60 and having had a great "romance" for 9 years or so and then finding urself single may not be all that bad, unless he is worried about being alone..but hey, many old men are happy being "single" inlater stages of life ;) Anyways..figure out WHAT you REALLY want and WHAT he really means to you! (like i think Werner von Braun used to say: "Focus on the big problems, the rest will fall into place!") And All Best Wishes to you both and finding happiness in THIS life!
d:)

..a good thing if YOU are not also prepared for that responsibility (because divorce is unfair and cruel to young children - so your "committment" would need to be for more than 8 years I suspect..and you'd have to deal with that 29-age-gap thing you seem so worried about once you hit 30)

d : )

..in you. But hey, you can test that (no, NOT w your mother!!! :( ;) Ask him how he would feel going into this with possibility of "childless" unless he's prepared to roll around floor with young kids at 70 because, lets face it, YOU don't sound like you want kids as soon as possible (so, 22 + 5-10 years for your maternal clock ticking loudly would make him 66-71 ) AGAIN, "what" exactly do you both want?

d : )

This seems fairly straightforward and simple. He wants a child now and you don't want a child now. So don't commit to him.

You say he has so much to offer yet you had previously stated that you don't know if he will be attractive when he's 60, because you are not generally attracted to 60 year old men. It sounds like you don't have much depth or anything else to offer him, save a working womb, hotsigmagrrrrrrl :rolleyes:

To answer your question, yes, there are couples with that large an age gap that are doing very well.

Thank you for all your responses. I'm new to this community so I appreciate your wanting to help. To set a few things straight...I love this man...i really do. Our relationship is actually long distance. I've only been with him on 5 or 6 occassion (each lasting a week or so). But we talk on the phone every day and online. He has so many great qualities including his insight--- he...knows me better than anyone. In fact we almost have a relationship where he is like my therapist. (i know that sounds corny but i talk to him about my past and issues with things and he has given me so much advice on the subject. He isnt a psychologist or shrink or anyhting but he does have some training in that stuff).

ALso, we have not had sex yet. He was actually the one who suggested we wait until we get married. I'm not sure i want to wait that long, but it was sweet that he said that. Means he isnt just after sex. right? ALso, i wouldnt mind having kids now. I just would want another year until i finish law school.

I feel like i cant picture myeslf without him. i dont want to lose him. the only person who really understands me. im just so torn. he wants me to move out and marry him this summer and transfer my last year to a university near him. ughhh i hate making big decisions.

:(

Katie

If you cant picture life without him and you truly love him as a MAN, not as a provider or anything else (basically you would still be in love with him if he had nothing), then maybe the relationship is worth a chance. However, you should not be forced to transfer schools in order to be with him. If he is worth your time and is as in love with you as you are with him, he can respect your wishes to finish school and wait a year. Its not like you are starting a program that would keep you apart for 4+ years.

It sounds like you know what you want. You want to finish school, have a great relationship, and have kids sometime. Thats great. If being with this guy still allows you to accomplish those things, then great, if it doesnt then move on.

Red alert!

If you are doubting now, don't take the next step. Be absolutely positive. How do you know? You feel it. When a man asks you to marry him and you can't say yes or you have to ask your friends, don't. You have to feel that warm feeling otherwise, stop!

As for the sex part, if he wants you to wait until marriage, I'd be a little wary because as your man gets older his appendage softens (to put it bluntly). Since it sounds like sex is an important quality to you and you know when you get married that's it except for him, think if you want to wait till you're married to find out how he performs.

As for the age difference, if you're in love and feel honestly that you are made for each other, no worries then. Cherish the time with each other, knowing he's older and time between you may not be 50yrs. into the future, enjoy him all you can.

Good luck

Red flags....red flags!!!!!!!!

Alright, few things here really stand out.

First, I don't like that he wanted you to "at least have his baby" when you broke up. That's just a bit too much, combined with him wanting to hurry and get married. Combine that with wanting to wait to have sex until you are married.....to me this sounds like he wants to hurry you into getting married before you get a chance to really think much about it. SLOWW DOWN girl and take your time making this decision....it is going to affect the rest of your life HUGELY!!!

The other biggie is that you refer to him being like your therapist....this may seem really nice that he's so helpful and understanding and you can confide in him, but it smacks of inequality....you are coming to him for help and looking up to him for advice. But do you do the same for him...does he look to you for help and advice in his life? A true partnership needs this - for the health of both partners.

One more thing is really minor and might just have been your choice of wording, but you might want to think about it: you mention that your friends and family might "get you to dump him". This makes me think that you are easily influenced (I was like this at one time so please don't take this the wrong way) which means that he could just as easily convince you to want to marry and have kids right now too, when you really do need more time.

Good luck with all this! And please, don't let anyone rush you into anything....this is your life and you gotta enjoy it and live it on your terms!

Chances are, you're OM/BF is more intereted in raising one child before he heads out to pasture than really putting serious thought into the ramifications of marrying someone sooo much younger. Think about it. He's going to take you to his professional social functions and introduce you to his MD associates as his wife? You think you're going to be sitting at a big round table full of doctors and spouses (all in their late 40's and above and you're going to have anything in common with the other spouses?) They've probably got bras older than you.

I think this situation with the 51 year old Dr. is a bit sideways at best. It really sounds like you two are on different pages and different chapters. My advice is to move away from this relationship and find someone that you have more in common with. It could be that you're impressed with him being a Dr. and the financial security that you made a point to mention in your post. He's no doubt liking the prospects of what a relationship with a 22 year old can offer, but let's face facts. There is no way that you two can possibly have anything to offer each other in the long run. Who you are now at 22 is not who you're going to be at 32 or 42 or 52. You really need to look this thing straight in the eye and understand that your relationship has no long-term future. Just the basic fact that you are keeping your relationship a secret is an indication that one or both of your realize that something is off kilter and unacceptable to friends and family. That's the harsh reality. :(

Dear help -Im22 he's 51

You have answered your own questions. The woman who told you this will work has her head up her ***. If you are worried now - as you should be - you will be terrified later. Extrapolate further. When he is 70 you will just have turned 40 and still young and attractive! He will be at his mortality table end (if not dead already) and you will be left with children to manage on your own and a widow...

Security??what security? You have no control over what he will leave you in his will and this also begs the question what else do you know or not know about him? Does he have children from a previous marriage? If he says not, how do you know for sure? Have you had him Dun and Bradstreeted??? (Investigated?)

Given the profiound age difference I would have already done this, if I were you.

Get a grip - a guy at the age of 51 one is pressuring a young woman of barely voting age to have his children does not have a conscious - so much for the Hippocratic oath of a Physician whose underlying principle is "Above all do no harm" He is doing you harm right now psychologically, and this is evidenced by you apearing on a forum such as this in desparate need of adivce from strangers.

Selfish bastard if you ask me.

Get out of this relationship yesterday - and go and have some fun. Forget him as he should be.

Trust me.

My speculation would also include that his desire to 'have children' could very well lie more with keeping a young woman in his life than the former. Few men I know at 51 want to have kids (or more of them) at that age let alone with a woman 30 years their junior.

Again and listen carefuly IF YOU ARE ASKING THEQUESTION AND PLEADING FOR HELP - YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER! JUST HAVE THE COURAGE TO GO OUT THERE AND CALL HIM UP AND SAY BYE IT'S OVER!"

My suggestion to you is to drop this guy - like yesterday. Do not ruin your life. FInd someone your own age - but should you prefer older men someone in real good shape who is no older than 38 or 40 max, MAX MAX. And even that is a risk where children and your lifelong well being are concerned. Capish? Comprends? Understand?
Allenbow

thanks for all your advice. im so torn still but your comments have given me much to think about. i hope i make the right decision...

This is the best advice on this thread:

"If you are doubting now, don't take the next step. Be absolutely positive. How do you know? You feel it. When a man asks you to marry him and you can't say yes or you have to ask your friends, don't. You have to feel that warm feeling otherwise, stop!"

I don't think the age gap is an insurmountable problem at all, and have known very happy couples with bigger ones. But I went through a brief marriage right after college where, when we split up, we discovered that we both had doubts about it going into the marriage. But we had dated for 3 years, things were pretty passionate, and we were at a point where it was obviously a matter of get married or break up. We didn't want to break up, so marriage seemed almost the path of least resistance. Believe me, that's a BAD reason to get married, and it sounds to me like that's where you are. My prediction is that if you've got serious doubts now, you'll probably both have serious regrets later.

And don't let anyone tell you that serious doubts are inevitable -- they're not.

I am 21 and my om is 50 so I know what you are feeling about the age gap. I do sometimes think what is would be like 10 yrs down the road with the sexual relationship and how well he will be able to preform. The thing I try to remember is that nothing is for sure I might not be here in 10 yrs so I try to live in the present and here and now I am so in love with my om he is the best thing that happened to me. So dont worry about the age gap and if you love him thats all that matters. :) I hope everything works out

Hi,
Happy to hear that you found someone special in your life. :) I just ended a relationship about a week ago w/an OM (13 years older than me). Although by the board standards here, that's not really considered a HUGE gap, but b/w him and I there were issues. I think the "number" per-se did not bother me, it was the fact that we looked "odd" together because he LOOKED older than his age (41) about 7 years older, and I'm 28 and people still think I'm in high school. So we got a lot of stares. Anyways, just like you, I was intially attracted to his stability. He owned his own business, we were both musicians, He owned his own home, never married and no children. But he still had problems holding my hand in public or introducing me as his girlfriend instead of just saying I'm his "friend". Even after 4 1/2 months of dating he still would treat me like his "friend" in public, then when noone was looking hold my hand. Those things hurt and made me feel like something was wrong with me (even though I know in reality there isn't). Also factor in the possibility that you might want to have children one day, and he might be opposed to it due to his age.

You have to look at the bigger picture, can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this guy? I would say date for a couple more months, see if your feelings for him deepen and if by then you really fall in love with him and the age gap is no longer an issue, then there's your answer. If you still feel bothered by the same issues you discussed in your post, then that's not a good sign. I think after a while of dating, the age gap should no longer be an issue for the two of you. What you feel right now could be a phase your going through OR it could be something that really bothers you and if so, you have to be honest with yourself and let this rlp go.

Get a grip - a guy at the age of 51 one is pressuring a young woman of barely voting age to have his children does not have a conscious - so much for the Hippocratic oath of a Physician whose underlying principle is "Above all do no harm" He is doing you harm right now psychologically, and this is evidenced by you apearing on a forum such as this in desparate need of adivce from strangers.

Do we support age gaps here or not? Your post sounds like a typical article I'd read in one of those trashy tabloid magazines! The fact that you call her a women of "barely voting age" should be insulting to her! She's 22, *four* years above the voting age. In fact, not too long ago, 22 was the average marrying age for a woman. She's old enough to be out of college and professionally employed, and you make it sound like he's hitting on a high school girl. You get a grip!

Selfish bastard if you ask me

I thought we didn't tolerate profane language on this forum!

I think it is too soon to be worrying about commitments and getting married. You two have only been dating about 6 months, and it is long distance at that. A couple of years ago, I had a LD relationship, and we were madly in love with each other. HOWEVER when he came for a visit of 10 weeks, I got to know him even better. It turned out that he wasn't the guy for me.

Your guy may be your true love, but don't be cornered into marriage or babies or moving until you have spent more "face" time together.

One red flag IS his wanting you to have a baby for him. You are wise for letting that bother you.

Keep spending weeks together when you can, and the situation will resolve itself in time, I promise. Just refuse to be rushed. Good luck.

Do we support age gaps here or not?

We do...but not every age gap relationship needs to be supported. I thought he made some good points...even if his language was a little harsh.

There are definately some RED flags in this relationship.

Like the fact that he wants you to move there in the summer and get married.

Let me tell you this. I moved to North Carolina from Texas with only one semester of school left...in order to be with my OM.

Both he and I have come to realize that while it would have sucked to be apart...it would have been a million times easier/cheaper/faster for me to have finished school where I was.

Not to mention I don't think you should have to concider marrying someone you've only met a handful of times.

Nadine.

We do...but not every age gap relationship needs to be supported. I thought he made some good points...even if his language was a little harsh.

I do agree with you that there are red flags in this relationship. I just get offended when people start bashing people, and that's what it sounds like this guy is doing. We can respectfully disagree with someone's choice or judgement, but to resort to calling people profane names is unacceptable, in my oppinion. And it is ridiculous to refer to a 22-year old as someone who is "barely of voting age". That remark was purely for sensation, and is an insult to our intelligence!

And, for the record, I don't support every age difference here. I'm particularly critical of the ones that involve married people cheating. Read my response to "pravas" in the "45 YO married man and 18 YO Woman" thread.

And it is ridiculous to refer to a 22-year old as someone who is "barely of voting age". That remark was purely for sensation, and is an insult to our intelligence!


But plenty a woman mature enough to make her own decisions (I hope anyway).

I do agree with you that there are red flags in this relationship. I just get offended when people start bashing people, and that's what it sounds like this guy is doing. We can respectfully disagree with someone's choice or judgement, but to resort to calling people profane names is unacceptable, in my oppinion. And it is ridiculous to refer to a 22-year old as someone who is "barely of voting age". That remark was purely for sensation, and is an insult to our intelligence!

And, for the record, I don't support every age difference here. I'm particularly critical of the ones that involve married people cheating. Read my response to "pravas" in the "45 YO married man and 18 YO Woman" thread.

I agree with you...I think the manner in which he said things was inappropriate. I'm a very blunt person...and I usually have to curb that online because it comes off as rude.

I know you don't support every age difference here...and I didn't say you did. I was just replying to your question of if we supported age gap relationships here or not. *smile*

Nadine.

I didn't mean to sound harsh, but I do get my buttons pushed from time to time on these threads.

I notice we haven't heard back from "hotsignagrrl" in a long time. I hope we haven't scared her away :D

Since you brought up my situation here in a post where everyone might not have read what I wrote, let me say that my case doesn't involve "cheating" because as soon as the situation came up, I told my wife about it. I hate to sound defensive here, but if I'm going participate on this board, I don't want people to see my name and think, "Oh, it's the cheater."