Hot4Ryan
03-26-2006, 08:11 PM
Hi!
Ryan and I celebrated our first anniversary this week and it's had me thinking not only about how lucky I am (we are) to have found each other, but also about how grateful I am to have discovered Aglesslove.com and the wonderful group here!
I don't get much time these days for posting, but I still like to lurk & read when I get the chance! :)
Little Alaina Juliette is getting BIG in a hurry! She's 10 months old now. Here are a couple of pics from around Valentine's Day:
http://www.alainajuliette.com/pics/a-rose.jpg
http://www.alainajuliette.com/pics/a-pose.jpg
Ageless gang, keep up the great support group! By increasing awareness of age-gap relationships, surely increased acceptance will follow. (*fingers crossed*) I hate to think about how many people could be missing out on an enriching relationship because 'society wouldn't approve'.
For newer readers, I thought I'd share a little of our background, the 'taboos' we've hurdled, and a few words of wisdom about each.
Age Difference: I'm 38 and Ryan is 19. We are 19 years apart to the day (yes, exact same birthdays!) Married for 1 year now, with the baby you see above plus my 16-year old daughter from my previous marriage that ended 13 years ago. Words of Wisdom: Don't worry about what society will think. Don't worry about what your family/friends will think. Worry about what YOU feel. If there are red flags going up that are NOT age-related, then tread cautiously, of course - always looking out for #1. But where age is concerned, you should be able to treat an age gap relationship just like any other relationship in which same-age persons would be involved. And last, don't be tempted to lie about your age. Nobody wants to begin a relationship based on a lie.
Family Disapproval: Yes, we faced it at first, as do many in age-gap relationships. Given a little time, both our families have come to appreciate OUR happiness and to respect OUR choices. Words of Wisdom: Don't sneak around or lie about your relationship with an older/younger person. If you appear hesitant or even ashamed of it, you may be opening up a vulnerability that friends/family could see (subconsiously) as an opportunity to pick at. (Also, it could be hurtul to your older/younger partner if he/she feels you may be ashamed.) So be proud and just expect everyone to accept it! (And be ready to let it roll off 'like water from a duck's back' when some don't!) That said, you can still be ginger, thoughtful, and polite in the way you break news of your relationship to family/friends. Note to younger partner: be prepared to demonstrate to your family that you've thought things out (i.e. how you'll be finishing your education, etc.)
Met on the Net: Ryan and I met on a poetry website (1-2-3... 'Awwww, how romantic!') Yes, I agree. *smile* Words of Wisdom: This is not so uncommon any more! The internet has transformed the world into a smaller place and it's a perfectly fine place to meet your 'soulmate'! Yes, it's a fine place to meet some creeps too. (BTW, 'creeps' come in both male and female gender!) Just use common sense. Schedule your first few in-person meetings with a 'net friend' in a safe, public place. Inform a close friend or family of your plans & whereabouts. Trust your intuition.
Long Distance: Until last May, Ryan lived in Maryland and myself in Texas. Either one of us willing to relocate for the other, but as it panned out, Ryan moved to Texas a year ago in May. Words of Wisdom: I won't lie - a long distance relationship is hard! Get the best long distance calling plan you possibly can (or voice chat, Skype, etc) and talk as much as possible. More importantly, be sure to get some 'face time' with your long distance lover! (Ryan and I basically had one solid month of in-person time together, but we spoke anywhere from a couple to several hours a day by phone for over a year. And even though we feel we lucked out with each other, either one of us would still recommend more face time, if possible.)
Parenting as an Age Gap Couple: Wow, am I lucky in this regard! Ryan is an awesome dad! He works part-time, goes to college part-time, and when he comes home, he doesn't hesitate to feed the baby, play/cuddle/read a story with her or handle a diaper! Somehow, with all this on his plate, he also plans 'date nights' for us (he has an excellent grasp on the importance of keeping some "us" time) and I never feel neglected in spite of his hectic schedule. Likewise, I do my best to support his endeavors as best I can and to spring surprises on him when time allows. I have no complaints about being part of a parenting team with Ryan! (I can't help but contrast this with my teen daughter's dad - the 'sperm donor' who did none of these things and from age 24 through age 39 today, remains a deadbeat.)
Now, to explain, the decision to have a child may have been a little backwards in the making for Ryan and me - but it wasn't taken lightly. First of all, I had multiple diagnoses of infertility in my medical charts and while I'd always wanted one or two more children, the odds were SLIM that I could even have a child. I'd discussed that with Ryan early on. He was okay with it (and said he wouldn't be opposed to adoption, if that's what it came to). Then there are the risks that increase with age. We're both wary of those factors too. In a sense, we both had an eye on my biological clock, and decided to throw caution to the wind when it came to protection. Both of us solidly convinced we want to be parents together (and myself convinced I'd could/would parent our child on my own in the event of a disaster), we decided we probably couldn't be overly choosy on the timing. Well lo and behold, have we been blessed! Words of Wisdom: Biological clock (or prior hysterectomy) could very well be one of the biggest dealbreakers in older women/younger men relationships. Discuss these things at length early on in a relationship (and again at intervals)! It is rare, rare, RARE that a guy at age 18, 19, 20, 21 years old can (or will) concretely express his position on having/raising children. It may be even more rare that he'll be ready to parent anywhere near that timeframe. An 'Oops!' pregnancy is not the ideal way to determine how 'stand up' a guy he is. Be completely open early on in an ow/ym relationship. Allow a younger man to soul-search to the best of his ability on the issue of parenthood & to communicate back to you about it.
Well, I've gone on far longer than I ever intended.
Hello - again - to the Ageless gang! And best of luck to those of you who are newly embarking on an ageless relationship! (You've come to the right place for support!)
Hugs all!
Pam
Ryan and I celebrated our first anniversary this week and it's had me thinking not only about how lucky I am (we are) to have found each other, but also about how grateful I am to have discovered Aglesslove.com and the wonderful group here!
I don't get much time these days for posting, but I still like to lurk & read when I get the chance! :)
Little Alaina Juliette is getting BIG in a hurry! She's 10 months old now. Here are a couple of pics from around Valentine's Day:
http://www.alainajuliette.com/pics/a-rose.jpg
http://www.alainajuliette.com/pics/a-pose.jpg
Ageless gang, keep up the great support group! By increasing awareness of age-gap relationships, surely increased acceptance will follow. (*fingers crossed*) I hate to think about how many people could be missing out on an enriching relationship because 'society wouldn't approve'.
For newer readers, I thought I'd share a little of our background, the 'taboos' we've hurdled, and a few words of wisdom about each.
Age Difference: I'm 38 and Ryan is 19. We are 19 years apart to the day (yes, exact same birthdays!) Married for 1 year now, with the baby you see above plus my 16-year old daughter from my previous marriage that ended 13 years ago. Words of Wisdom: Don't worry about what society will think. Don't worry about what your family/friends will think. Worry about what YOU feel. If there are red flags going up that are NOT age-related, then tread cautiously, of course - always looking out for #1. But where age is concerned, you should be able to treat an age gap relationship just like any other relationship in which same-age persons would be involved. And last, don't be tempted to lie about your age. Nobody wants to begin a relationship based on a lie.
Family Disapproval: Yes, we faced it at first, as do many in age-gap relationships. Given a little time, both our families have come to appreciate OUR happiness and to respect OUR choices. Words of Wisdom: Don't sneak around or lie about your relationship with an older/younger person. If you appear hesitant or even ashamed of it, you may be opening up a vulnerability that friends/family could see (subconsiously) as an opportunity to pick at. (Also, it could be hurtul to your older/younger partner if he/she feels you may be ashamed.) So be proud and just expect everyone to accept it! (And be ready to let it roll off 'like water from a duck's back' when some don't!) That said, you can still be ginger, thoughtful, and polite in the way you break news of your relationship to family/friends. Note to younger partner: be prepared to demonstrate to your family that you've thought things out (i.e. how you'll be finishing your education, etc.)
Met on the Net: Ryan and I met on a poetry website (1-2-3... 'Awwww, how romantic!') Yes, I agree. *smile* Words of Wisdom: This is not so uncommon any more! The internet has transformed the world into a smaller place and it's a perfectly fine place to meet your 'soulmate'! Yes, it's a fine place to meet some creeps too. (BTW, 'creeps' come in both male and female gender!) Just use common sense. Schedule your first few in-person meetings with a 'net friend' in a safe, public place. Inform a close friend or family of your plans & whereabouts. Trust your intuition.
Long Distance: Until last May, Ryan lived in Maryland and myself in Texas. Either one of us willing to relocate for the other, but as it panned out, Ryan moved to Texas a year ago in May. Words of Wisdom: I won't lie - a long distance relationship is hard! Get the best long distance calling plan you possibly can (or voice chat, Skype, etc) and talk as much as possible. More importantly, be sure to get some 'face time' with your long distance lover! (Ryan and I basically had one solid month of in-person time together, but we spoke anywhere from a couple to several hours a day by phone for over a year. And even though we feel we lucked out with each other, either one of us would still recommend more face time, if possible.)
Parenting as an Age Gap Couple: Wow, am I lucky in this regard! Ryan is an awesome dad! He works part-time, goes to college part-time, and when he comes home, he doesn't hesitate to feed the baby, play/cuddle/read a story with her or handle a diaper! Somehow, with all this on his plate, he also plans 'date nights' for us (he has an excellent grasp on the importance of keeping some "us" time) and I never feel neglected in spite of his hectic schedule. Likewise, I do my best to support his endeavors as best I can and to spring surprises on him when time allows. I have no complaints about being part of a parenting team with Ryan! (I can't help but contrast this with my teen daughter's dad - the 'sperm donor' who did none of these things and from age 24 through age 39 today, remains a deadbeat.)
Now, to explain, the decision to have a child may have been a little backwards in the making for Ryan and me - but it wasn't taken lightly. First of all, I had multiple diagnoses of infertility in my medical charts and while I'd always wanted one or two more children, the odds were SLIM that I could even have a child. I'd discussed that with Ryan early on. He was okay with it (and said he wouldn't be opposed to adoption, if that's what it came to). Then there are the risks that increase with age. We're both wary of those factors too. In a sense, we both had an eye on my biological clock, and decided to throw caution to the wind when it came to protection. Both of us solidly convinced we want to be parents together (and myself convinced I'd could/would parent our child on my own in the event of a disaster), we decided we probably couldn't be overly choosy on the timing. Well lo and behold, have we been blessed! Words of Wisdom: Biological clock (or prior hysterectomy) could very well be one of the biggest dealbreakers in older women/younger men relationships. Discuss these things at length early on in a relationship (and again at intervals)! It is rare, rare, RARE that a guy at age 18, 19, 20, 21 years old can (or will) concretely express his position on having/raising children. It may be even more rare that he'll be ready to parent anywhere near that timeframe. An 'Oops!' pregnancy is not the ideal way to determine how 'stand up' a guy he is. Be completely open early on in an ow/ym relationship. Allow a younger man to soul-search to the best of his ability on the issue of parenthood & to communicate back to you about it.
Well, I've gone on far longer than I ever intended.
Hello - again - to the Ageless gang! And best of luck to those of you who are newly embarking on an ageless relationship! (You've come to the right place for support!)
Hugs all!
Pam