Is it really what we think it is?

I have thought about dating younger men. I am 32 still love the night life, drink whiskey, smoke cigerettes, and I hate to say it........party. I am obviously not a "typical" 32 year old.
People think I am lying when I say my age. So of course i meet younger men.

I came on here to try and get some outside help like so many others have. When I think about dating this guy who is 22 I have to look back on what I was like at 22. Not that everybody is me, I think to myself if I am the older one should I not be the wiser one?

I know the majority of men in their late teens and early 20's are completely sexually orientated. Not all, but most.

I have known this guy for 2 years, and have always maintained a loyal friendship to him. I keep myself distanced because I fear what the outcome may be if I were to get seriously involved with him. Do I want to be a 40 year old woman left for a 20 year old? Hell no.

A man can be as "mature" as he wants, but many changes come with age. Not only our body, but our minds. Does a man, no boy in his 20's really know what he wants?

I would love to be with him. He is everything I really ever wanted in somebody. We enjoy the same thing, we laugh at the same things, want the same lifestyle, and can talk for hours and hours.

Where is the line drawn between living in the moment, and being aware of the future? I came here in all honestly hopeing for some empowerment from other women. I actually find a lot of what I read on here quite odd, not wrong, but odd. Many of these posts of "success stories" are only very new relationships. Everything is exciting when it is new...........and also very easy. So when I read these posts by ow in their 50's dating men, no boys in their teens I find it really discouraging.

Do any ow/ym couples on here acutally have long term relationships? I'd love to hear about that. Many women on here have given a lot of wonderful advice, and I would love to hear their opinions on this as many of you seem like very strong willed intelligent women.

A lot of rambing......so the question may have been blured. Is 10 years along time? Is there any LONG TERM success stories with an age gap such as that? Are men in their 20's even capable of being responsible for the words they say to us, and should we not be smarter and understand the change that is coming? because were older we have been through it? Should I feel like being with him is wrong because of this? Or will everybody say I told you so in 10 years? Does dating a guy that age not really decrease your changes for success? It is obvious I adore him, but is adoring him wrong?

Do any ow/ym couples on here acutally have long term relationships?

I think everybody's idea of "long term" is different. I consider my relationship to be long term, despite that we're in a long distance relationship and have only spent 5 actual weeks together in person over the past two years.

I'm in a completely different situation than you are in, I have been separated for three years from a long term relationship and have three children, do not smoke, rarely drink and certainly don't have the time or desire to go to clubs.

Having said that, I'm still an older woman with a younger man and to me, two years of being together in a long distance relationship seems more like 10 years! The waiting, the online chatting, the phone calls, the long flights all seem to keep us more connected than any common-law or marriage arrangement I've had previously.

My question to you is whether you're ready to be in a relationship with a man who you seem to think might be more mature than yourself, despite being a decade younger :) Nobody knows the answer but you.

I dunno Sabine; I suggest that you evaluate this one guy on his own merits rather than than sterotype him. Sure there are undesirable guys in their 20's; there are undesirable guys in all agegroups. It might be a little inaccurate to lump a whole swag of stereotypes on one person based on an age bracket.

It sounds like one of your concerns is the cpacity for someone in their 20's to really mean what they say and remain faithful. Well, you don't have to work out an entire generation; you only have to work out this one guy. Does he tend to mean what he says, or is he flakey? Does he sleep around or is he faithful?

Do any ow/ym couples on here acutally have long term relationships?

yep, we have been married almost 13 years. we have 2 children. he was 19 when we married and has always been the one in charge in this relationship. we have had plenty of stressful situations and he has been the one to pull us thru, while i have been the weaker one. a 10 year gap is what we have. everyone said we would never make it. we have and are very happy. i adore my fella too. this is just my experience with an a/g relationship. everyone needs to evaluate their own specific relationships. but we certainly are in it for the long term.

Well, we don't fit exactly what you're asking for, we're going into our 4th year together. We started out long distance but knew right away we were right for each other; we have now lived together in 2 different cities, we own a home and are going to be married this year.

But, my honey was already 25 when we first got in touch. You'll hear a lot about how guys under 25 can be risky bets just because of the changes we all go through in our early 20s.

The best "advice" I can give is to choose well going into any relationship. Neither one of us are partiers, and my guy is just not the kind to value women the way most of society does - a young body is not his #1 priority in a partner. A partnership or marriage is based on SO MUCH more - or should be - and your man should value you for so much more than just your body. If he doesn't then you don't want him.

I also have to say that though I'm not 20, there's not THAT much of a difference between me and the 20-somethings - women assume that 40 and 20 are so different that a 20 year-old HAS to have a better body. Just not true. Do you think you'll be SO much "worse" in 10 years than you are now? I doubt you will.

Not every guy is stereotypical in the way he views women - you want to choose one who you aren't setting yourself up for failure with. If "young body" is his #1 priority for choosing, then ALL women will lose out with him later on. We can't help aging, so pick someone who values you for who you are, not what you look like. We have to stop believing the media BS that teaches us that we have nothing else to offer men. It's a fragging epidemic.

Welcome to ageless!

My boyfriend and I have been together going on 2 years, we met at work; he was 20, me 30. We started going to lunch together found out we were neighbors and started car pooling. The first year was rough, I was scared of being in love and never once thought twice of my age, since being with him I think about it more then I want. I was very insecure of our relationship once I fell in love. first it was all fun, like you I love the party scene, I love to drink go to the clubs, smoke(only when I drink ) And it was cool cuz I had this younger guy who I knew was falling for me, but as soon as I fell for him, I changed I became insecure. I spent many nights crying and feeling scared. It was not easy for me. I even had breast implants (after three kids and they were saggy lol) I didn’t have them for him btw but I wanted to feel better about my body, he didn’t want me to get them but he loves them now.
It has been two years and we are still so much in love we are more in love now after living together then when we weren’t. We bought a house and moved in together November, and I can say it has been wonderful. I am much more relaxed and I feel our relationship has become stronger then I imagined. Honestly in the beginning when we went thru the rough times, I swore I wished I never met him (LOL as bad as that sounds), I couldn’t take the pain I would feel, and it wasn’t him inflicting pain on me. I had just become insecure of my age, how I look, what his friends thought. It was so hard. I always thought the worst. Anytime he wanted to stay home and not come and spend the night with me I thought it was over, I was so afraid of everything. I also came from a very bad family home life. Parents both left before I was 4, I was shuffled around from family to family etc. So when it came to me falling in love I think all this crap crept up on me and it scared me to death.


I thought I was loosing it. I am just telling you honestly how it was for me. So whether or not it was actually our age difference that was the issue or just my insecurities that played that part. He is very intelligent he has taken psychology courses and knows a lot of my history and tries to help me overcome the issues. Its not easy at all and its like a job we work at it everyday and its all falling into place, I get along with all his friends really good now, me and his family always from the start were really close, my kids call his parents grama & grandpa, my little one calls him daddy.


When he talks about the future it’s always for our family. He wants to have kids too. So he always plans for the future. He’s always there for my kids; you would think he was the older one. It’s funny sometimes because it feels like he teaches me about love & life and I have been the one out there longer then him. I think I am the one who is street smart, him more book smart and he teaches me how to have a family life that I never had and how to save money he paid off all my old debt and even has me taking college classes.


I was trying to give you some positives and negatives. Hope I didn’t scare you off. Since you are just thinking about starting to date this guy. Every relationship is different.


I do not think 10 years is that large of an age gap anymore; at first I thought it was terrible, I didn’t want to tell anyone, now I could care less and am not ashamed of it. Yea, I do sometimes wish I was younger or him older, but then maybe we wouldn’t have crossed paths.

thanks for all of your answers girls. Much appreciated. You gave me alot to think about. That is part of my problem though I think much to much about everything. Three years ago I came out of a relationship that ended in such a terrible way I have found it very hard to move on, or to trust anybody. I know we can't judge all people on one bad experience, but it sure is alot easier to keep yourself safe and secure than to put yourself out there and take the risk of getting hurt again. I haven't dated at all in that time........at all. I wish that I didn't feel the way I do about him. I never even meant for it all to happen. I am sure not a woman who goes out looking for younger men. I just wanted to find a good one.

Goldiecat, I loved what you said about ignoring all the crap about women becoming less valueable as we age. It is sure hard not to inflict the views of society on ourselves. We live it and breathe it everywhere we go.

It seems to me that it takes a very confident woman to engage in a relationship where the woman is older. I still cannot decide if I am strong enough, or confident enough to handle it. I am not an insecure person, but we all have our weak points. None of us are perfect. Well I guess it takes confidence in yourself as a person, and confidence in them as a person. I would sincerely hope that I would be able to find it in myself, as opposed to losing somebody who is very special to me.

Thanks again and I hope that in the end I make better choices than I have in the past!!!!!

Hi! My husband is 20 and I am 38. We have been married 1 year and together almost 3 years. Again not sure what long term is defined as... but we're doing well. :)

Does a man, no boy in his 20's really know what he wants?

i don't think any was intended, but i'm a little offended by that comment. you seem to be pigeon-holing all MEN at this age as immature and without any goals or ambition. it actually sounds like you're the one who doesn't know what she wants.

i may be way off, but that's how i feel.

I think you are way off base in what I said. Acutally I said nothing. I asked a question. I never made a comment or put a whole group of people into a stereotype. I never once mentioned goals, and I never once said anything about ambition. So to me your deriving this from your own sensitivity. I was merely asking a question to a group of women who have dated younger men, and must know more about it than me. If it was offensive to you for me to ask other women a question that to me seems like something else would be bothering you. Not me. Now you know 3 things about me. So how in gods name would you know anything about me not knowing what I want. Because I still drink and smoke and go out. I also am covered with tattoos and body piercings. Does that make me immature and unable to know what I want in life. That to me is is what you call "pigeon-holing". Just because I choose not to live my life how society dictates that I should look and how I should act. It should not be taken for a lack of not knowing what I want in life, or a lack of immaturity. I won't defend myself to you, but everything you took that I said in that statement you got nothing from. Never once did I say anything about goals or ambition. I just asked a question to women who might know more than I do about something. People like you who can judge somebody on a tiny paragraphy are just as bad as people who judge somebody on an age gap relationship. That is being part of the disease and the cure.

Does a man, no boy in his 20's really know what he wants?


I think what regular John could also be sayin is that the guy your interested in at 22 is not a boy....hes actually a man (considering in the law he becomes an adult at 18) and when in your own eyes is a man ever going to be a man, and when will this so called boy ever graduate into adulthood and become acceptable to be called a man by you, comon get a grip and see what he really is, an adult trying to be an adult so treat him like one.

If you keep thinking that hes a boy and treat him that way he might live up to your expectations. Treat him like the man he is, change your own perspective and you might be pleasantly be surprised.

In the end your own perspective and actions could either be your own demise or foster a wonderful and exciting life.

I met my YM when he was 23 and I was 32. We are now 25 and 34 and doing well. We dated long distance (albeit only 2 hours apart) for 18 mos and then he moved to me. :)
Our lives are much like what you described in lifestyle. I am younger than my age and love the nightlife and going out. He likes that too and that is what we started our relationship on. I will tell you that for a 23 year old, he knew exactly what he wanted, and wasn't afraid (and still isn't) to fight for it. He has taken to my 5 and 8 year old and has become a true 2nd daddy to them. He has accepted that I'll always have a relationship with their dad b/c we want to preserve the "family unit" and he respects that. He respects that although he lives with us now, we maintain seperate bedrooms b/c of my children being in the home.

Although he and I do disagree about some things, I think we disagree more b/c of life experiences and different expectations. I do respect him as a man, and I realize that just b/c he's younger than me, doesn't make him "less" of a man, anymore than my being 34 makes me "more" of a woman.
He and I do not know how to communicate the right way when we argue, but that really has nothing to do with age, but more with how he was brought up and how my previous relationship worked-- or our baggage I guess one could say.

Relationships are hard work, regardless of the age gap. The challenges of being with another person and making it work long term are sometimes overwhelming. The key is to pick and stay with a GOOD MAN and a good man is a good man regardless of whether he's 25 or 60.

I was a party girl at 36, when I met Robin, 21. We had a fast and furious attraction and subsequent relationship. I'm STILL a party girl (even though I really don't get to go out much due to teenaged kids!!!) and Robin and I are looking at 7 years together.

The younger they are, the more you have to go through.

Robin and I were seperated for six months largely due to finances. It hurt. It sucked. We've gone through other huge stuff too. A lot of it was due to life issues, but I think the way he dealt with stuff was due to his young age.

We decided to get back together and work on everything.

The reason I'm telling you this, is because if you're with a guy in his 20's, you MIGHT be in for a rough ride. It doesn't mean you can't do it or it won't work out, it just means; "Buyer beware." If you're young-minded to begin with, and you don't have any kids, then you're more in his "life stage" at this point and it's not going to much matter. If he finds you attractive, he's not going to leave you for someone younger later on, unless you grow apart life-stage wise.

If you feel more comfortable around younger men, it's probably because they're more open and in the same life-stage as you are. Give it a shot! Enjoy yourself. Most of all, don't compare yourself to younger women. Trust me, they don't care about those girls. If that's all that was on their minds, they wouldn't date you. Give the guy you're thinking about more credit than that. He obviously sees something special in you and wants to explore it.

I really enjoy hearing what you girls have to say. I have a few friends that I talk to, but nobody ever really gives me anything positive about it. It is all negatives and warnings. It isn't that I care what other people think......but I do believe that women can learn a lot from other women when we are not being catty with one another. I don't necessarily feel more comfortable around younger men........just him. I just feel comfortable around people who are open and not judgemental I guess. I really like the way it feels when we are together. I actually try and avoid spending time with him sometimes so it dosen't grow into more. :eek:
Treisee, I don't doubt that I need to work on my perspectives with some things. I think I have let some of my past relationships turn me into a little bit of a fatalist. :D . We all have things to work on, and I never fault anybody for giving me constructive criticism. That is just me being afraid about getting hurt again I guess, and that is my battle to fight.
Polly, Thanks I loved your answer to. I always like to meet other women who still like the night life. I have 40 year old friends that come out with me and we have a blast. Yea, I don't have any kids so I am fairly free to do as i want. With the exception of an overwhelming dog. I guess that is what i worry about.....that I will end up with alot of grief dating somebody younger. I mean he is like me. Still likes to go out to the bars and stuff. You hit the nail on the head about me worrying about younger women. I also really liked what you said about "life stages" that made a lot of sense to me.
If you girls don't mind me asking. Did you ever have moments of real insecurities?
Worse ones than you have in relationships where you were closer in age? One thing I love whether or not we chose to let this go anywhere. Is this has made me confront a lot of fears and insecurites head on!!!!!!!!

I think what regular John could also be sayin is that the guy your interested in at 22 is not a boy....hes actually a man (considering in the law he becomes an adult at 18) and when in your own eyes is a man ever going to be a man, and when will this so called boy ever graduate into adulthood and become acceptable to be called a man by you, comon get a grip and see what he really is, an adult trying to be an adult so treat him like one.

If you keep thinking that hes a boy and treat him that way he might live up to your expectations. Treat him like the man he is, change your own perspective and you might be pleasantly be surprised.

In the end your own perspective and actions could either be your own demise or foster a wonderful and exciting life.

thanks for backing me up. i wasn't expecting to be attacked like that. perhaps it reveals more about her....i don't know. but Treisee echoed my thoughts perfectly. if you are looking for him to be a man, then treat him like a man. if you treat him like a boy, then he may think that there's no chance for a real relationship with you. that's when you'd see him acting immaturely.

give him the respect he deserves, and he should do the same to you. if not, then he's not right for you.

I thought and felt the same as everyone...will he really be able to do this, will he leave me when I get old and haggard looking, will he not like my belly rolls and love handles, will he accpept that I have a child, ect.

The list is LONG.

BUT I will say this, I left him. I took all the information offered from others and ideas dreamed up on my very own and processed it then came the the general consensious that I was not doing the right thing.

Now he's gone and I can't help to wonder if I made a mistake?

I hadn't communicated with him since last year and when the communication opened again so did my feelings. Which says to me that TRUE feelings never go away.

Do what YOU want to do not what other people think is best for you.

I could post on this thread for hours, but I'll try not to. ;)

First off, I also think that long-term is a relative term. We have been together 5 years and 4 months, and he was 18 when we started dating. :eek:

First off, every person is an individual. When I was 18 a lot of my friends were out at the clubs, partying and having fun dating different men and such. At 18 I was a mother, working full time and running a household.

I'll take this on a personal level, because Im not sure how else to make my point.

It's really easy to see the negative side of things.

Sure sometimes I look and I saw...why in the hell is someone in their early 20s interested in me? I have three children, two of which who are teenagers AND a father who lives with me full time due to a disability. Not the easiest of circumstances. I am constantly having financial difficulties, which also isn't any fun. Im 20 pounds overweight, Im starting to get wrinkles around my eyes..yadda yadda yadda.

But I look at myself sometimes and I see...Im pretty, Im intelligent, I have a good personality, Im loving, Im sexy, I work hard, I have good ethics, and I think, if I was a man who took the time to get to know me, could I fall for me? and the answer is yes.

It's not inconceivable to me that at 37 I could meet someone in their late 40s or 50s, and find someone I could really connect with, enjoy spending time with and fall in love with. Im not sure why when we look at relationships where the woman is the older partner, it becomes more difficult for people to understand.

And while it's true a lot of people in their 20s are not looking to settle down yet, some are. I have a lot of friends my own age who STILL are not wanting to settle down. It's just a matter of finding someone who is looking for the same things you are looking for..someone you fit with. I don't think that age really has any bearing on it.

And lastly, I think that we see a lot of people post here who are new to age gap relationships or who are in the first couple years of the relationship because that is when you actually need support. After five years together the age gap occurs to me during daily life practically NIL. I don't even think about it. And I have come to a place where even when it is pointed out to me, i.e. from someone else, it just doesn't bother me. When someone says, "I didn't know he was your boyfriend, he looks so YOUNG", I say "He IS young!" and it doesn't really..nag at me like it would have before. I feel comfortable with things as they are, but I didn't just arrive at this point overnight. At one point I was the one on the site asking everyone if it was "okay" to be involved with someone 14 years younger than I am.

thanks for both your answers. I think like that too. I always think I must be kidding myself that when I am 40 and he is 30 he will still want me when he could be out dating 20 year olds. i sure wonder how our society came to place so much importance on face value. I think it is really sad, but I guess that will never change huh? Sometimes it seems like thinking that far ahead is completely pointless considering I could be dead tomorrow. Maybe you just have to see that it is possible and move on.
It is also because I do really care for him I sincerely want what is best for him, and I hope so much he has a good life. I always wonder if somebody 10 years older for him would be the best thing for him. God that just sounded so motherly didn't it? Never the less it is true. When I think of making this choice I think of the consequences for both of us, not just myself. He has a LD and that makes his life harder already. No it dosen't bother me. For some reason it just makes me care for him even more. I just don't want to be the one to make his life worse or harder for him.
It's strange, but I just keep changing my mind over and over again. i say to myself "ok i'm going to go for it, and just be the best person I can be, treat him well, be honest, and continue to be a true friend". Then I get all happy and excited at the thought of starting something with him. Then I switch it all around and say to myself, "don't be stupid just stay away from him so neither of you get hurt". :D
Then I wonder if I am just overcomplicating things, and I tell myself to quit thinking so much. Then I decide to act on it......and get all scared :eek:
Thanks again.......I sincerely enjoy reading your responses and relationship experiences.

It's strange, but I just keep changing my mind over and over again. i say to myself "ok i'm going to go for it, and just be the best person I can be, treat him well, be honest, and continue to be a true friend". Then I get all happy and excited at the thought of starting something with him. Then I switch it all around and say to myself, "don't be stupid just stay away from him so neither of you get hurt". :D
Then I wonder if I am just overcomplicating things, and I tell myself to quit thinking so much. Then I decide to act on it......and get all scared :eek:


lol welcome to the world of AGRS, the inevitable mind tennis... Having an AGR is essentially about making choices and all our own insecurities, fears, values, beliefs and life experiences affect what our choices are about these YM. The one sure thing that you will have is that you will be unsure at times about the choices you have made, its ok and there is nothing wrong with being like that, as JO Admin pointed out earlier in another post, over time things dont bother you so much, so in the future your decisions will rest on you easier and you will question yourself less. :) Be kind and gentle with yourself as you go to and fro with what you have decided, eventually you will become happy with what you have decided.

All the best
Treis*

Although Al & I have only been together for a couple of years - and are very happy- Al's grandparents have been together for 30 years. They married when grandpa was 20 and grandma was 35....a 15 yr age gap. They have a wonderful marriage and are each others strength in this world, still cuddly and affectionate with each other. An ispiration to marriage -gap or no gap!

Rabbit