Pain and Loss...

Does anyone here believe in karma and destiny?

Can someone please tell me how to get over the pain and feeling of loss I am having... for I thought I had found true love ...and suddenly it has disappeared...I guess I was mistaken...my heart is literally broken in a thousand pieces and I'm having problems/trouble...moving forward or moving at all right now for that matter...I feel frozen...anyone, SOS...please help. :(

(((((HUGS))))) for you. Time will take care of a lot of it. I don't know what else to say.

(((((HUGS))))) for you. Time will take care of a lot of it. I don't know what else to say.


:( Thank you...I guess my question is...why? It doesn't make sense for someone to be in love with you...yet not be able to express their feelings...I can't explain...I just feel lost...and can't seem to get a grip...a "solid" grip that is...on everything that has happened..I keep searching for answers...and trying to resolve in my head that I may never get answers...and attempt to move forward...but I can't...because I need to know why.. :( if this makes any sense...

what positive lesson did you learn from this?
people can enter our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
carry the lesson in positive form, forward...

what positive lesson did you learn from this?
people can enter our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
carry the lesson in positive form, forward...

Christina..thank you for your reply...I was just beginning to learn to trust..it took the wind out of my sail..this experience..the lesson...honestly...I guess to be careful whom I trust...but is that a positive lesson Christina...or just a good person..just getting fed up with all of the little games in life...I wish I could say it feels positive...but right now...*shakes head* it hurts like hell..and I can't find a light at the end of the tunnel.

Yes, I've had people come into my life for a reason and for a season..but when you think you've finally met the "one" person...the person you think knows you inside out ...and suddenly...they just up and disappear...how does one take that...what can we do with these feelings...besides letting them eat out our insides... :( lots of questions...and no answers...that's the problem...and has been for about hmm 4 months now...I hope destiny shows its face soon..otherwise...I may become bitter...like so many others...and I really don't want that to happen. :(

I don't know if you feel comfortable elaborating at all on your situation...but I DO believe that there are people we meet in this life who are soulmates/kindred spirits and when I was 23, I met one of those people. We were only together for 6 weeks, but it was a life changing experience for us both. In my situation, I HAD to choose between a love that was almost all-consuming and overwhelming (in a good way) and professional school...trying to balance them wasn't working...professional school is set up to be all-consuming in a bad way. But we both chose school and went our separate ways. At 23, I thought I would have many more of those connections...now at 36 (in 5 days :rolleyes: ) I have realized how rare those connections are. Not to be a total bummer...I recently found another person who I connect with on every level - even MORE than I did with my other soulmate...and I still consider the man from 13 years ago to be a soulmate - you don't lose those connections, not the real ones. That person stays in your heart. I read a quote once "There are people whom one loves immediately and forever. Even to know they are alive in the world with one is quite enough"

Even though it is very painful to lose the person in some way, they will always be in your heart and you will always know that the connection you felt was REAL. I spoke to my "first" soulmate not long ago - it had been like 9 years since we had seen each other - he is happily married with 2 kids. We had a nice conversation...at one point, he told me "I still think about you and I want you to know that you are deep in me" and I cried...not from sadness, but from joy to know that those connections ARE real and they do last a lifetime. But we didn't speak for YEARS...and actually he ended up half a world away (literally...moved to Australia) to keep from having to deal with our connection. It was only in the last 2 years or so that we could acknowledge it - accept that it was a moment in our lives - a profound moment - yes, but a MOMENT that we can't go back to...and embrace it as a wonderful EXPERIENCE.

Life is made precious by both the wonderfully overwhelming moments and the heart wrenching moments. It is difficult to fully live life without fully embracing the sad times...they suck but they make the good times so much more precious. I believe you will find another love...and maybe it will be even better for what you have had to endure to find it....but only times helps ease the pain. I know that sounds cliche-ish, but I honestly don't think there is any other way.

Take care. It will take a while, but you WILL get through this and be stronger and more loving for it, if you keep your heart open.

Eponavet, you write beutifully

My Grandmother used to say..."God never puts on us more than we can bear." I do believe that. It is a confirmation that you are strong enough to handle what comes your way. Every pebble, every rock, and even every mountain is put there for a lesson to be learned. Perhaps somewhere down the way you are to be put to a bigger test, and you have to be made stronger for that purpose. It doesn't feel like it right now but you have taken something positive from knowing him, and probably learned about yourself even more. Just keep an open, loving heart in case that one soulmate on the horizon appears.

Sheila and Sara...thank you for sharing and for the kind words

and Eponavet:

I believe you will find another love...and maybe it will be even better for what you have had to endure to find it....but only times helps ease the pain. I know that sounds cliche-ish, but I honestly don't think there is any other way.

Take care. It will take a while, but you WILL get through this and be stronger and more loving for it, if you keep your heart open.

A soul mate/twin flame connection will be very difficult to find again..however, I do believe that karma and destiny have a way of moving that is quite mysterious (to say the least)..sadly, keeping the faith can be the toughest part of life sometimes, it's as if we know of the connection, yet we also know when the person is no longer close at hand, very difficult to explain...thanks again to all of you for the kind words...and to Eponavet for taking the time to answer my post with such heart felt and caring words..it means a lot to me right now. Thanks again.

eponavet, your words really touched me.

Hang in there OP... we're here for you... please vent with us... we want to help you, even if a sounding board and a virtual hug is all we can do...

eponavet, your words really touched me.

Hang in there OP... we're here for you... please vent with us... we want to help you, even if a sounding board and a virtual hug is all we can do...

Thank you Marcy..I truly do need the support right now...and I'll hang in there and keep you posted...once we've dug ourselves into a "hole" it's so hard to find the way out..without guidance and support...again, the kind words mean so much to me right now. Thank you.

To Eponavet,
Your words touched me also. Thank you for taking the time to right that.

To the OP,
I've sat quietly before with my friend, "pain". Not much said during his visits, but his prescence is strong all the same. I used to be afraid of him, and then I realized one day... without him, I might take my other friend "joy" for granted when he visited. "Pain" doesn't visit as often as "Joy" but he tells me to just relax and feel it. By doing this, instead of resisting it, his visits are over much sooner.

I read something once that stuck with me.

"The strongest steel is forged with the hottest fires." Think about it. What it takes to make a beautiful sword that is also strong. Hot fire and much trauma from the shaping process. We are like that in some ways. The tribulation and pain life brings us can be the fire that forges us into stronger, more beautiful works of art.

Maybe that sounded cheesy to some, but to me if made sense. Don't be afraid to feel it, but know it will pass like a rolling tide. I also read once that the biggest cause of addictions and some disorders, is when people refuse to allow themselves that process; and proceed to numb out or get stuck in denial.

I hope you feel better soon........ try to stay focused on being your own best friend right now. (((hugs)))

Gypsy

To Eponavet,
Your words touched me also. Thank you for taking the time to right that.

To the OP,
I've sat quietly before with my friend, "pain". Not much said during his visits, but his prescence is strong all the same. I used to be afraid of him, and then I realized one day... without him, I might take my other friend "joy" for granted when he visited. "Pain" doesn't visit as often as "Joy" but he tells me to just relax and feel it. By doing this, instead of resisting it, his visits are over much sooner.

I read something once that stuck with me.

"The strongest steel is forged with the hottest fires." Think about it. What it takes to make a beautiful sword that is also strong. Hot fire and much trauma from the shaping process. We are like that in some ways. The tribulation and pain life brings us can be the fire that forges us into stronger, more beautiful works of art.

Maybe that sounded cheesy to some, but to me if made sense. Don't be afraid to feel it, but know it will pass like a rolling tide. I also read once that the biggest cause of addictions and some disorders, is when people refuse to allow themselves that process; and proceed to numb out or get stuck in denial.

I hope you feel better soon........ try to stay focused on being your own best friend right now. (((hugs)))

Gypsy

Gypsy..your words have made a difference in my day today...thank you for taking the time to reply...and for the depth of thinking you've put into your response...I will keep this in mind as I go about my day today...and trust me...today...I need as much support as possible..it is a turning point for me..I am moving beyoond...finally... :)

It was nice to find this thread. This place always brings me comfort. I have not posted for a while. I am so broken-hearted that sometimes i really dont know what to do to feel better. And this is not about my ex-YM...

All of your great words make sense, but the thing is, when its actual physical pain and you just want to get rid of it, what can you possibly do? You cant think rationally when it hurts so bad.

Like i always say, my sister and i call it "the rotten love," when its that aching kind of love that actually makes you feel ROTTEN alot of the time. I guess because i have it for someone i cant have.

I'm just really really tired of all of it. I plan to get away on a road trip for a few days, but i dont know how else to heal.

I've always been there to give friends advice about healing a broken heart, and now i think, how can any of it possibly work? I guess time is the only thing.

It was nice to find this thread. This place always brings me comfort. I have not posted for a while. I am so broken-hearted that sometimes i really dont know what to do to feel better. And this is not about my ex-YM...

All of your great words make sense, but the thing is, when its actual physical pain and you just want to get rid of it, what can you possibly do? You cant think rationally when it hurts so bad.

Like i always say, my sister and i call it "the rotten love," when its that aching kind of love that actually makes you feel ROTTEN alot of the time. I guess because i have it for someone i cant have.

I'm just really really tired of all of it. I plan to get away on a road trip for a few days, but i dont know how else to heal.

I've always been there to give friends advice about healing a broken heart, and now i think, how can any of it possibly work? I guess time is the only thing.

I wish I had advice to give...all I can say is I certainly can relate...and it's so painful that I truly wouldn't wish this type of pain on my worst enemy...actually..does time really heal?? With this type of pain...I really question that...unless some how karma and destiny come into play (soon, I hope)...

No,I don't anticipate this pain leaving me anytime soon...and I can't run away from it...I've already tried that...it doesn't work :( ....God, I wish it would just go away...and stop hurting...and the more I seek to find an answer...the deeper the pain becomes...over and over...around and around ....nothing helps...not this time.

Life certainly becomes strange when living just becomes survival..day after day...with the same unanswered questions...and the same heart ache...I wish I could encourage you that it will all be ok...truth is...I don't know what ok really even is at this point...is it "just surviving" or is it...actually living and happiness and all of that "good stuff"...personally...I don't want to be just OK...I don't know about anyone else.

Take the road trip...try to sort through your feelings...and trust and believe in yourself...that's really all I can offer you right now...other than to say...you are not alone my friend...and you can trust me on that one. :(

I can remember a time when I would lay in bed crying uncontrollably with pain in my chest that felt like knife stabs that would come and go in waves, and in between, it felt like I had an elephant standing on my chest, and I was screaming in my head, "I'm dying. I'm dying. This pain is killing me! No human being can feel pain like this and live." And my grown-up voice said, "No, you're not dying. You feel like you are, but you're not. The pain will pass. You'll live through this and come out the other side." And I sniffed, and did that hiccup thing you do when you've been crying so hard and are winding down, and I said, "I will????" And my grown-up voice, said, "You will. Trust me."

And my grown up voice was right.

(((((((((((((Lee)))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((Jellybean)))))))))))

To each of you, I'm sending the vision of a giant angel to enfold you in his/her wings to comfort you and give you some respite from the pain, and a grown-up voice to assure you.

Thank you Chatterbox...an angel is more than welcome about right now :)

If only the questioning in my head would stop...asking why over and over and over...and never coming up with a definitive answer ...just the same questions...in a different format...but the same...never the less.

And I am fully aware of the stabbing pain in the heart and chest you are describing...and the dull ache...yep..it hurts...it all hurts...*shakes head*...I am at a loss for words at the moment..that is all.

Does anyone here believe in karma and destiny?




Most definitely.

You are in grief. That's all there is to it. Grief is a place that's very uncomfortable for most of us because it feels bad and dark and scary. But it means you have great capacity for love, and for that, be grateful.

I think that life is painful. It's painful for everyone. Grief is painful, and growing is painful, and the only way through it, is through it. I think anything that helps is a blessing. For me, it's music. Use whatever it is that soothes you to get you through this time. It will change, it will end, and that's all you can hang onto right now.

Grief is such a challenge. I'm sorry its been difficult for you. You can't control the choices of others, you can only control you. Even during our most desparate hours, please know you're not alone.

About a month after my hysterectomy surgery, I was watching tv and a Johnson & Johnson commericial came on, I'm sure many of us have seen it where a father, with a book in front of him, is trying to teach his two young sons animal sounds. The caption reads, "A baby, it changes everything". Although I was confident in the decision that I had to make, I cryed for an hour or so and couldn't figure out why. I didn't feel like crying, but I found I couldn't stop myself nevertheless, it was so wierd. and very out of character as it was the only decision to make and I had no other options. But my grief was real and my dreams as I saw them were dead and so I had to find a new attitude to better deal with this decision. This is difficult at best, to find a different thought process to replace grief. And although I have felt better since then. Another "whisper of heaven" floated down to me quite recently.

It was quite by accident, a couple of weeks ago. I was a watching PBS program with a guy name Dr. Wayne Dyer. He's a motoviational speaker. he said something very interesting, he said that we were "spiritual beings having human experiences and not the other way around". And he's right, everything can be taken away from me except my attitude, its my human right. One of the most powerful tools is discouragement, doesn't let you move forward and it certainly holds you back.

I say learn to choose the good part. Its difficult now yes, but its not the end of the world, you will meet someone who will choose to love and care for you as you deserve to be, but there is a process in which you need the refiner's fire before you can recognize the good part of yourself and in someone else. In times of hurt and disappoint you have to remember that no one can do anything permanently to us that will last for eternity, so never give up, never cease living. As much as we may feel connected to some people, it does not mean that person is to stay in your life, no matter how much they may love you or you them.

Surely when we choose the good part, regardless of our current circumstances or situations, life will be lived to the fullest. Give yourself as much time as you need, that good part will come.

Paris

I guess I don't really believe in the concept of `soulmates', but I have experienced
amazingly close connections with boyfriends who left because of other priorities, or loved me one day and then soemone else the next, or just inexplicably didn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

Yep, I know how it feels to have my heart ripped out and to feel that the `end' was unjustified and untimely, considering the power of the connection and love we had felt.

I guess what I took away from those experiences (apart from a love of beer and cigarettes) was an understanding that `really, really getting on with someone' is only part of the mysterious ****tail of elements which make a relationship successful.

I think most people have agendas when it comes to choosing a mate that go beyond a deep and close connection. Some people choose mates who will facilitate a desire for wealth and stability; some people crave social status, and most people want a mate who fits with the level of intimacy they are comfortable with....whether that be a lot of distance, or closeness.

In truth, a lot of people just have no clue, and they bounce in out of relationships not really understanding why they feel the way they feel, or what they really want or need.

Heartbreak really sux, but heartbreak taught me discernment and about what I need in a mate, beyond just `connecting'. It taught me not to chase after guys who are uncomfortable with intimacy, or those who see women as trophies, and especially, to never date actors.

I'm sure theres a lesson in this experience for you also. And remember, this is all part of the path of finding true love. In the end, this is good stuff (if you keep away from beer and cigarettes). HUGS for your pain!

...I'm reading and remembering the heart palpatations at night that kept me awake...the dreams I'd have of him, only to awake in tears....the adrenaline during the day that wouldn't stop flooding my veins (the "fight or flight" hormone that infuses your bloodstream when the stress of heartbreak tells your brain you feel like dying)...the constant question that was never answered: "but WHY??".... the utter helplessness I felt that a once-in-a-lifetime-love walked away....

I'm so sorry for anyone going through this right now, and I truly know how it feels.

How do you get over it? This is what I learned through the process of grieving:

1. It will take some time, but you WILL recover, and go on to love again.
(it took me almost a year, but each week I felt better)

2. During whatever length of time it takes, focus all your energy on YOU...do things you never have before....change up your life abit so that you feel like you are in a different "phase" of life than the one you were in with your ex. For instance...enroll in a class (I took Writing), color your hair (I went for red highlights...new for me at the time), go out with the girls more than ever, join a gym and workout 4 days a week (meet new people, get the seratonin* pumping, and feel stronger/healthier).

3. Get a good counselor, and pour your heart out to her (this helped me SO
much, to have an objective ear that was wise and kind and compassionate)

4. Get out of Town ! I'm serious about this one. For the first 4 weeks after the breakup with my exym, I felt
like I was going stir crazy in the same surroundings, with the same routine. I was fortunate enough to take a trip to New York with a great friend in week 5. Seeing "The Producers" on Broadway (and laughing for the first time in 5 weeks), skating at Rockefeller Center in the snow, and being with a friend who made it his aim to get my mind OFF of my ex was PRICELESS. When I returned from that trip I felt I was finally on my journey to heal.
A road trip, a trip across country, a trip to the next town...ANYTHING that will break up your sense of familiarity with your former life/love is very therapuetic, believe me. Good call on the road trip idea!

5. Buy and read the book:From Abandonment to Healing....you will think it was written JUST for you, especially if you were left suddenly and are so confused about the exit of your ex from your life.

6. Make things like watching comedies, especially before you fall asleep (Jay Leno or whatever), listening to upbeat-positive message music, taking bubble baths, etc. a new habit.

7. Journal. Write whatever your heart is dealing with that day, and don't edit anything. Writing helps you get your soul on paper so that you can look at it more objectively. A great idea is to end each entry with a list of the things you are grateful for that day. The lists will be short at first, but after a while, you will train yourself to look for the good things you still have in your life rather than the thing you "lost".

And about soulmates....I don't believe there is ONE soulmate...I believe there are many potential soulmates < people who connect with us in a rich, intimate, unique, soul-communing way>. There are other great men out there that will appreciate and love you for all the beauty you possess, inside and out.

*( I just read yesterday that exercising aerobically for 20 minutes releases as much seratonin (the feel-good, anti depressant chemical in our brains) as a dose of Prozac !!!)

Hugs to you...you will make it ....
Karen

well said karen.....

Lee...its true....it gets better....the same thing happened to me recently....he walked out in november after two years....no contact...in that time I found out he was seeing someone else.....he wanted to try again after two months apart...he'd broken up with her .....the reconnect between us only lasted for a couple of weeks....

when we ended it five weeks ago it was heart breaking.....he was into drugs, had lost his licence for drink driving, was in debt.....I didn't want to go there.....I threw myself into working out, reconnecting with people, going out.....flirting...coz i felt sexy from all the gym work.....its actually a relief to be back in my skin.....its so true about the serotonin....it gives you vitality

sure I think about him...wonder if I'll see him....if he'll be with his new partner.....little knife stabs....but now days go by when I don't think about him....at one time it didn't feel like I would ever stop thinking about him....one day I got sick of it....you have to work on it....

everyone is right....give yourself time...spend time with yourself....give thanks for the good things...I saw a sign once on a billboard....it said "you are more loved than you know".....got me thinking about something my 18 yo daughter said when Daniel left the first time and I was where you are......."mum, there are heaps of people who have loved you for more than two years.....and they still love you......and they're all there for you".....

blessings be
chez

I have a similar experience to Spirits....However, it was a matter of months, and not years, fortunately....

Its so hard I know.....You meet someone that you seem to connect with in so many ways....and you think "Hey, this is so cool".....and then it just comes tumbling down, and you wonder why.......you wonder and you wonder.....and you make yourself sick wondering.....

Some things are just not meant to be.....no matter the connection.....no matter the attraction, and no matter the love.....

Just not meant to be......

Its a hard one to get your head around.....but Sara was right when she said, there is nothing we are dealt that we cannot handle......

And the pain.....yes we ALL know how bad it is.....and we have all been through it, for everybody must.......all I can say is just feel it......go with it, and it will go away eventually.....Dont fight it and try and push it away, because it is meant to be felt....as are the happy things in life.....

Both have their place.....

We must not live our lives fighting away the bad stuff because it hurts.....These are our lessons we have to learn, and the pain helps us to understand what these lessons are, .......

:)

I posted this a while back. I found it inspiring at a time when I was hanging on to something I should let go of.

LET IT GO thread >> http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?t=21811

I am another one who beats herself up with the "whys" when it all goes south. "It's not meant to be" is the most definitive answer I can give myself in those cases. Don't blame yourself for destiny having different ideas.

ON A SIDE NOTE HERE:

A "myspace friend" I'd made passed away Sunday and his daughter let me know this morning. :( A harsh reminder to me that at least I'm still HERE to feel something, heal and try again.

((((hugs Lee and JB)))))

Thank you for your thoughtful responses...I guess the aspect I'm struggling with the most here is the feeling that it isn't over...that it's just postponed..or the hope that in time destiny, karma...fate...all of those things will come into play and bring me back to him...and I do think that he feels the same way, although, I also believe that neither the place nor the timing was right for a budding relationship to thrive...so I guess my question is...Can you have a close connection with someone...and suddenly lose it (or feel that you've lost it)...yet in time...end up in another circumstance where you are meeting with this person again..just in a different situation, or at a different time or
place...is this just denial that I'm in...or perhaps just holding onto hope, faith and desire that this particular person will reenter my life again soon.

That is the question I keep asking myself lately...needless to say, I do not want to be in denial or disillusioned, yet, at the same time, I don't want to throw in the towel and feel as if I will never see him again...I don't know the answer.. :(

it's a stage called "bargaining" honey.

it will pass.

Lee,

I feel for you. I can only say from experience that something or someone better suited for you will show up. You NEVER think so when you are going through it. Losing a love is the most painful thing, but I remember looking back on some of those losses and going, " hey, it's a good thing that didn't work out." Time does heal, give it time. One day at a time.

Oh, and I do believe if it's meant to be, it will happen in due time.

Chatterbox, been there many times and done that.

Sometimes it takes YEARS to be able to look back and say "Ah!!! THAT'S why that happened to me at that time!! If that hadn't happenend THEN, I wouldn't be here NOW!!"

Here's hoping for a joyous future! :)

Thanks, Blondie.

I wish I had advice to give...all I can say is I certainly can relate...and it's so painful that I truly wouldn't wish this type of pain on my worst enemy...actually..does time really heal?? With this type of pain...I really question that...unless some how karma and destiny come into play (soon, I hope)...

No,I don't anticipate this pain leaving me anytime soon...and I can't run away from it...I've already tried that...it doesn't work :( ....God, I wish it would just go away...and stop hurting...and the more I seek to find an answer...the deeper the pain becomes...over and over...around and around ....nothing helps...not this time.

Life certainly becomes strange when living just becomes survival..day after day...with the same unanswered questions...and the same heart ache...I wish I could encourage you that it will all be ok...truth is...I don't know what ok really even is at this point...is it "just surviving" or is it...actually living and happiness and all of that "good stuff"...personally...I don't want to be just OK...I don't know about anyone else.

Take the road trip...try to sort through your feelings...and trust and believe in yourself...that's really all I can offer you right now...other than to say...you are not alone my friend...and you can trust me on that one. :(

Thank you. And i will read the rest of this thread later.

I just wanted to kinda apologize...inthat i didnt mean to hijack your thread and make it about ME.

I just had a really really bad nite, and i dont have many like that. Sometimes it just feels good to write about it.

Your reply sounds EXACTLY the way i feel right now.

I believe in karma & destiny (I dont believe in god or jesus)
I've had many things happen in my life that cannot be explained, but I know all the hurt you suffer from will make your next relationship better, you'll appreciate things, you wont put up with other things.
In other words, you'll learn and grow from all this pain, and karma will come back to you and you will be ready for your true destiny

I promise :)

is this just denial that I'm in...or perhaps just holding onto hope, faith and desire that this particular person will reenter my life again soon.


Yes....Lee....I truly think this is just denial....you are holding on to any shred of hope that he may be back. Don't hold on any longer or you will stall your healing progress... If you go on with your life looking for the next blessing just around the corner, and he just happens to waltz back in when you least expect it, then you can decide what you want to do from there. Sadly, though, a reunion more times than not is bittersweet, followed by just plain "bitter" in the end. Many guys leave the first time, establish no contact, and then come back several months later or whatever (just like freespirit's guy). Problem is, usually nothing significantly positive has changed since he left the first time (either in his mind or actions, or in yours), and the reunion is short lived with another era of heartbreak facing you to trudge through all over again. :(

And, as always, Kat said it exactly:
"You are in the "bargaining" stage" big time (get the Abandonment book I mentioned earlier). Bargaining is when you talk yourself into believing that things will be as they once were with him, or even better-in the future. It's almost like you finally allow yourself to realize he's gone ( that's real, you can't deny THAT); but the thought of it being FOREVER is too painful so you negotiate with yourself and allow a continued fantasy of him coming back one day. It's normal, and part of the healing process...but don't stay there too long, like I said earlier.

I can remember a time when I would lay in bed crying uncontrollably with pain in my chest that felt like knife stabs that would come and go in waves, and in between, it felt like I had an elephant standing on my chest, and I was screaming in my head, "I'm dying. I'm dying. This pain is killing me! No human being can feel pain like this and live." And my grown-up voice said, "No, you're not dying. You feel like you are, but you're not. The pain will pass. You'll live through this and come out the other side." And I sniffed, and did that hiccup thing you do when you've been crying so hard and are winding down, and I said, "I will????" And my grown-up voice, said, "You will. Trust me."

And my grown up voice was right.

(((((((((((((Lee)))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((Jellybean)))))))))))

To each of you, I'm sending the vision of a giant angel to enfold you in his/her wings to comfort you and give you some respite from the pain, and a grown-up voice to assure you.

thank you.

i dont know how people take this pain. all of your thoughts mean alot.

thank you.

i dont know how people take this pain. all of your thoughts mean alot.

We took it because we had to, we lived through it because we chose to, we came out of it because we were determined not to let it destroy us, and we were able to laugh and smile and love again because laughter, smiles, and love are always there waiting for us to let them in.

Just be gentle and kind to yourself, Jellybean. You'll make it.

I wish I had some great advice that would help with the pain, but the truth is, I don't....there's nothing anyone can say right now that will heal it all, but it can hopefully help ease the pain, and give you hope. I definitely know what you're going through. I still have some very, very difficult times. I know exactly what you mean about the whole soul mate thing. The one you feel was sent to you from Heaven...your reward...after many failed relationships in the past. There's always that "one" that seems to be, well, THE one...atlast. The "better one" that everyone told you "was out there waiting for you" when you were going through the last difficult break-up. The one that felt soooo right, soooo perfect for you, that it was pleasantly scary. The one you honestly felt you were placed on this earth for. The one you'd sacrifice your life for in a heartbeat to save theirs.

I really feel it's almost impossible to ever fully overcome a break-up when this special person is involved. I know, everyone falls in love, everyone (at the time) feels "they are the one"...but there is a time, when it's the strongest love you've ever felt, and you just "know"....you just do. I've been in love a couple times before, and the break-ups were hard....but wow, when it's the "one".....I can't start to describe how different it is. It's sickening. It's weakening. It's plain devastating. I've been through it, and continue to go through it to a point...and it's just disgustingly hard, to the point where you lose all hope, all drive, all regards for your own life. I'm having hard times with new relationships because of my break-up....it's insane, I never expected it to affect me this much. It's unfortunate, because it's not fair to others in my life. In the past....2 or 3 weeks after a break-up and I was fine. This time, 5 months later, and I'm still being effected by it. I guess like others have said, that one special person will always hold a place in your heart, and will never leave it. I guess that's what I'm going through. I understand it now, and accept it. This will just be part of me from now on, and instead of striving to get over it completely, I need to just learn to keep it under control, and live with it. It will never fully leave me. This will define who I am for the rest of my years I suppose. I just need to live with it.

And when it's not expected....or you don't get answers, or real answers....well....I know how you feel...makes it 100X worse. You deserve the truth, you deserve answers. I didn't read the entire thread, so I don't know if you're male or female (sorry), but you need your ex SO to give you answers. If they have one ounce of respect or love for you still, they owe that to you, so you can start the healing process.

Sorry for the book, I can literally write for hours about stuff like this. lmao And believe it or not, after writing, it feels good, like....relief. I don't post here often, but when I read certain things like this, it brings back a lot of the memories of what I went through, and I just feel like I should give any advice I can. I searched for the same thing at the time. It sounds cliche, but if there's any good that can come from my heartache, it's that I can share my experience and hopefully be of some help to someone else going through the same situation. I know when I was going through it, I needed the same thing. Unfortunately I didn't have many people I could talk to about it, therefore didn't receive much help or advice. So, I know how important it is to hear from others, even if they are strangers. It's going to be hard for you, I'm not going to lie. Just remember that there will be many more opportunities coming your way, and although you may never get over your ex SO, you can and will still enjoy life. A portion of your heart may indeed be reserved for your ex SO for eternity, but there's still some open vacancys in there waiting to be filled. ;)

My ex is still in my life...we still talk occasionally. We've been getting along great lately. I know this is part of my problem...why it's still difficult at times. So many memories are brought to the surface everytime I hear from her, which I think takes a silent toll on me in the long run. But ya know what...I love her, and enjoy her company, and enjoy our conversations...so I'm willing to sacrifice my own healing and happiness, because I know she enjoys hearing from me also. Like I said before, you're willing to sacrifice your life for this person, and I guess that's what it boils down to with me now. I know by breaking off all communication with her that I'd be helping myself in the long run. I know that. Everyone tells me the same thing. But **** it, I can't. I'll take whatever comes, for her sake. I'm not saying I'll never heal, but it will take longer this way. And that's ok, because...she's deep inside my heart. The one I always said I'd die for. I've already felt the worst pain I've ever felt in my life, so what's a little more, right?

There's some really good advice in this thread, REALLY good. You're not the first to go through it, and won't be the last. Everyone goes through this. Millions are going through it right now, with you. You're not alone.

Stay strong, take care of yourself, and look towards the future. If you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to PM me anytime. :)

God bless.

...so I'm willing to sacrifice my own healing and happiness,

This does NOT sound healthy.....

We took it because we had to, we lived through it because we chose to, we came out of it because we were determined not to let it destroy us, and we were able to laugh and smile and love again because laughter, smiles, and love are always there waiting for us to let them in.

Just be gentle and kind to yourself, Jellybean. You'll make it.

Good words, Chatter. Really good words.

Sometimes it takes YEARS to be able to look back and say "Ah!!! THAT'S why that happened to me at that time!! If that hadn't happenend THEN, I wouldn't be here NOW!!"

Absolutely. And it is this reality, this knowledge, that helps move us forward into the future, after life has dumped a load of bricks on us.

I have to believe that when God/The Universe closes one door, it's because He/it has something SO much better in store for us.

Love_Her, I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. Did you read my post about a grown-up voice? When you find yourself thinking, "You (I) never get over something like this," TALK TO YOURSELF, say, "I know you feel that way now, but that's just the pain talking. You'll get over this someday. Trust me." Talk to yourself like you were a good friend.

Another thing to think of is to imagine the pain as a liquid in your body that, if you allow it, will simply flow out of you, but if you choose to, you can hang on so long and so hard that you'll get sick: so imagine it just flowing from you, through your pores, out with your breath, when you eliminate your other wastes.

One of my favorite images is to reach inside myself with the thought that I am going to take the pain out and see a massive, throbbing, horrible mass but what I find is a little bird who's only fault was that I kept trapped inside of me, and as soon as I let it go and watch it fly away, the pain is gone.

This one is a bit more graphic, but I'm going to say in case you need something like this. Think of love like a delicious piece of cake that you really like, so you hold it in your mouth for awhile, savoring it. Now imagine that the time to enjoy that cake is gone, but you insist on holding that old, squishy, disgusting piece of cake in your mouth until mold starts to grow on it, and then you STILL don't want to let it go. Get the picture? You have to enjoy what is, when it is, for what it is, but when it's gone, you have to let it go.

As far as contact with your ex, I did it for years and years - I still talk to him - but I wasn't doing it to go backwards, I was doing it to go forwards. My intention was to form a new relationship to replace the old one. The benefit of doing this was that we talked about things, we worked through some of the problems that we had had, and I also saw him as a human being with a lot of faults. And then, one day, when he did or said something hurtful, I was able to roll my eyes and say to myself: "Yep, there's a reason why he's my EX." ;) Again, your mind, your intention, YOU determine the outcome - not of the relationship which is already over, but the outcome of the rest of your life.

Best best best of luck. Turn your back on this darkness and look to the light.

((((((((((((((((Love_Her)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Love_her...

The thing about the concept "soulmate"....or even calling someone in your life "the one" is that BOTH people in the mix need to sign up. I mean....when one person walks out of a relationship, could they really have been your soulmate or the One? Of course not, or else God (or the universe or whatever you believe) would have let you BOTH know to stick around since this was a once-in-a-lifetime thing....

But the other person left. Obviously, on some level, they didn't buy into it at all, and are on a different path with hopes and expectations that they trust someone else will meet.

Love_her...

The thing about the concept "soulmate"....or even calling someone in your life "the one" is that BOTH people in the mix need to sign up. I mean....when one person walks out of a relationship, could they really have been your soulmate or the One? Of course not, or else God (or the universe or whatever you believe) would have let you BOTH know to stick around since this was a once-in-a-lifetime thing....

But the other person left. Obviously, on some level, they didn't buy into it at all, and are on a different path with hopes and expectations that they trust someone else to meet.

In my case...no one walked away...it was just the wrong time and the wrong place...I have faith it "will" happen and it will all work out...when the time and place is right...it doesn't make it any easier however...when all of those self doubts creep in...and the pain of not being able to be with the other person becomes unbearable at times...does this make sense?

Gut instinct, destiny...and perception...and so many other things must be considered before passing judgment on a person...I think at the end of the day...we absolutely MUST trust ourselves...and know in our own heart...if this was meant to be...it will happen...although the time and place may not have been appropriate at the time...it does not mean it won't be in the future...I refuse to let this make me bitter...call me disillusioned...I have faith...and I do believe...I guess that is what makes me who I am...

In my case...no one walked away...it was just the wrong time and the wrong place...I have faith it "will" happen and it will all work out...when the time and place is right...it doesn't make it any easier however...when all of those self doubts creep in...and the pain of not being able to be with the other person becomes unbearable at times...does this make sense?

Gut instinct, destiny...and perception...and so many other things must be considered before passing judgment on a person...I think at the end of the day...we absolutely MUST trust ourselves...and know in our own heart...if this was meant to be...it will happen...although the time and place may not have been appropriate at the time...it does not mean it won't be in the future...I refuse to let this make me bitter...call me disillusioned...I have faith...and I do believe...I guess that is what makes me who I am...

No one walked away from mine either. It just cant be. Not right now, and probably not ever.

Great post. Also those of Chatterbox and LoveHer.

I dont know if i feel the 'soul mate' thing, because i have been deeply in love two other times. But this love is as strong as the love i felt for my ex-husband.

We are so compatible, i am so attracted to him...hes sweet, fun, smart...he makes me laugh the hardest i ever have...and then in the long run, he makes me cry the hardest i ever have.

My worst feeling about all of it IS, that i'll never meet someone this perfect for me again. I know its wrong to feel that, but i cant control how i feel...not always...

I just have to comment here...as I'm just curious.... I love reading your threads but your writing style seems to me to be atypical of most males - as attested by the lack of directness (males don't beat around the bush or speak in ethereal terms), need to express emotion and somewhat illogical progression of concrete thought - these being all non-male attributes... but hey, I wish more males could emote or freely or poetically express themselves as you have done on your threads - so, maybe this is refreshing surprise and a new trend in male behavior, I'm not trying to be insensitive here - just call me inquisitive - so if you told us more about yourself it would clarify things better. Perhaps laying out all the facts and coming out with your whole story, cuz frankly, I'm wondering what's up here ......:confused:

Despina...like you, I thought Lee was a guy, but other people have thought Lee was a woman. I don't think Lee has given any indication of gender at all. I figured maybe "they" were just not comfortable elaborating, as I mentioned in my first reply, but it seems like each person responding has made assumptions here about this person's gender and their soulmate's gender and Lee has been a little vague. Which in a way is kinda neat...I am, however, curious myself. :)

I am a woman :) ...hope this clears up any questions...oh, an added note..my soulmate is a man...lol..just for the record...and to add one last thought...I respect his privacy..and am a private person myself..therefore, to disclose specifics would be a breach of trust..and I would never want to betray him..or myself, for that matter..by announcing specific information on a messege board..except to say...when we meet someone whom with "one look" can literally see right through us...and all we have been and all we can possibly hope to be...I think we need to pay attention to that...because quite frankly it doesn't happen everyday...and it means something much deeper...than can be expressed with words....and yes, I do have some "male logic" in my thinking pattern as Despina pointed out...yet my senstitive side...is definitely female..lol

you kinda lead us to believe you were male. And frankly - I think you have been here before under another name. Care to expound more? We're all ears....

No, I do not care to expound any further. Thanks to everyone here who has comforted and supported me over the past couple of weeks..you've been a great help during a very difficult period of my life...ok.. we are off to DC to view the cherry blossoms...it's peak weekend...and I think they will be beautiful! :D

I guess that sounded a little extreme...Let me try and explain better...I'm ok, but I do have good and bad days. I'm not trying to imply that I haven't or can't move on, but it does make things difficult when we talk ( as it should with most ex-couples), simply because it brings back many great memories. I still like her a lot, so I'm willing to take anything that comes along with being her friend. Sure it would be easier to break off all communication, but we get along too well for me to do that.

Chatterbox, thanks, I appreciate that...it means a lot. :)

I totally thought Lee was a woman! (in this thread at least)

Hey y'all Im sorry, but Lee was a previously banned member who has returned to the site twice now under other names. The rules specifically state anyone wanting readmitted to the site has to make a request to the admins, so that any previous problems that caused a banning can be worked through and so we can decide whether a banned member is someone we wish to give another chance. However, I didn't receive any requests soooo....Lee is now a banned member.

Just an FYI here...thanks guys! ((hugs))