what do i do?

I am turning 38 in two weeks. she is turning 22 in a couple months. i love her very much.

I have never really done anything with my life, i own very little. i blame knowbody but my self, i lay in bed and almost go insane thinking that if i had done so many things different at her age i would have such a different life for us.

her family is very well off. her father is a doctor, her mother a scientist. they have the means to give her a life i could never imagine. they would put her through school at one of the better universities in california. give her a place to live. a vehicle, money. everything she needs to secure a future. but only if she leaves me. the chances of her parents and i coming to terms is 100% impossible. (i know the optimistic people out there say nothing is impossible, but in this case you have to trust me when i say it is)

they have cut her off completely and will never help her with anything until she leaves me.

my thinking lately is what kind of life will she have with me. will we stay together for a few years, then break up and it will be too late for her to do the things her parents have to offer her now? will we stay together and live in this little town. living out a life that is nothing like what she could have? we will never go over seas for a holiday, never own a 2 million dollar house or a condo at a ski lodge. we will never be able to bring kids we might have to see the world and put them through the best schooling. basically we will never be able to do anything that she did as a child with each other or our children.

this is a lot of babble about things that someone like myself would never need. ive lived a meager life and would be fine to continue that way. i dont need any of it, but who am i to deny her that life.

she is 21 years old and lives with her heart. she cares about me and would stay with me. she would give up everything becuase she wants to be with me. but at her age does she really know? she is still young enough that she could go out and find someone. fall in love, love them as much as she loves me. and have the support of her family to live a life that most of us will never see.

i cant imagine being without her. i cant imagine how i could get through losing her. but what do i do? i dont want to be the reason she ends up laying in bed in a little apartment owning nothing, 38 years old with no future wishing she had done something else when she was 21.

i am scared i am being selfish by keeping her. i would choose a lonely and miserable life for myself if i knew that she would be happy and live a good life without me.

i dont want to loose her, and i dont want to put her through the life i have lived when there is so much out there for her. i know what i should do. but i dont want to.

It sounds like you really care about her. But, at 21 she should be able to make her own decisions. I have no idea what your relationship or each of your personalities are like, so I dont really know how YOU should handle it, but I do know how my husband handled it. When he was worried about not being able to give me the kind of life I deserve, etc,etc.....we talked about it. He explained what he was worried about and I explained that I really wanted him in my ilfe and the rest of it would come second. Once we got that out there, we were able to take the time to seriously look at what we had and where we wanted to be and come up with some sort of plan as to how to approach the next couple years in order to get us both where we want to be in life.

Once again, I dont know you or your situation, but since you would be miserable without her, it seems to me that talking it out with her would make more sense than just leaving her.

So you're turning 38 and you don't own much and you really haven't done very much with your life and you don't have much to offer this 21 year old woman who has everything to gain by terminating this relationship. Is that about the size of it? :confused:

Maybe you're not in a good place with yourself, let alone taking-on a relationship with a young woman who's family loves her deeply and wants only the best for her. Based on how you described her family, you clearly are not the best thing for her and that's all her family wants. You need to beg-out and let her realize the maximum potential of her future. And unfortunately, that's not with you.

I can only imagine the consternation, upset and family turmoil that has and is taking place as a result of something you two want to call love. Just let it be and move on. Give her mom and dad their little girl back. It's the right thing to do. :mad:

Walk a mile in the other persons shoes before you make a comment about what "is" or what "should" be...as you will never know until you have lived it...all the rest is is just passing judgment on someone else...that's so very easy to do...everyone does it...just walk a mile first..once you do...you'll know what I mean...nothing is black and white in life...absolutely "nothing"...

Lee,

Love your motto...so very true

Walk a mile in the other persons shoes before you make a comment about what "is" or what "should" be...as you will never know until you have lived it...all the rest is is just passing judgment on someone else...that's so very easy to do...everyone does it...just walk a mile first..once you do...you'll know what I mean...nothing is black and white in life...absolutely "nothing"...

The guy is asking for advice -- not sympathy and I'm sure he didn't come here to be coddled and fed a bunch of emotional fluffy BS. If he can get in the middle of a family's relationship with their daughter the way he did, he can take a dose of reality. That's what I offered -- he can take it or leave it. This is not a walk a mile in anyone's shoes issue. He didn't say he was homeless, starving, handicapped or anything like that. He's obviously concerned about what he should do with this no-win situation he and his GF find themselves in and I simply helped him out with a dose of reality. His GF's family are highly educated professionals who only want the best for their daughter.

He admits that he has nothing to offer this young woman, but it seems that his main concern is how sad HE would be if HE didn't HAVE her in HIS life. Gee . . . do ya think that maybe HE is thinking about himself a bit?

To the original issue:

I think a big danger in YW/OM relationships is that the OM somehow starts assuming responsibility for everything and all the consequences of the relatiosnip. As has been pointed out, she's got to share an equal part in everything you decide and everything you do. True, she doesn't have a lot of life experience. But one problem with life is that it doesn't wait for you to get experience; you have to live it as it happens.

Here's the question: What can you give her that she doesn't have and, maybe, that no one else can offer her? And her question is whether or not she wants that more than the condos, etc.

Most often people put high value on the things they don't have... then when they get them they discover they weren't so great after all. I think you both need to look hard at that... will having each other be so great you'll never look back? Not an easy question, certainly, but help each other answer - don't answer it for each other.

Attreus, you sound like a nice man who truly cares for your YW. I find it very admirable that you have a clear understanding of what her life is with you and what she is giving up. A 21 year old girl, who loves her man is going to have a very hard time imagining life at 38. You do know though that her day will come and the fact that she will have a great deal of regrets on missing out on so many opportunities will damage your relationship if you are still even together.

I agree with Drifter. However, I do feel it's utimately up to your YW on how she lives her life.

ya know, sometimes the most loving act you can perform, is letting go.

it's about loving someone to the point of wanting what's best for them, not what would make us happiest.


if you love something, set it free......blah blah blah.


do you love her enough to let her go? only you can answer that.

if you can't give her what she deserves, in your eyes as a man who loves her, then perhaps you need to let her go.

Drifter has good advice!

I'll add to that, if you really can't imagine losing her, why don't you get off your rear end, go to (or back to) college, get a good job and try to make her comfortable. Assuming you love her as much as you say, I would think that you would be motivated to take care of her. I'm sure there will be a million excuses, but maybe if she sees you try, she will be inclined to stay with you and help.

If she had the best education, why can't she get a good job? A relationship is a two way street. Do you need a $2 Million dollar ski cabin? Is that more important that having eachother? You just need enough to make you happy.

I will say though, it sounds, with out know either one of you, that you may be too lazy, and she may be too spoiled to make an honest attempt at this. Don't blame her parents for having things (that she may not necessarily want). That's rediculous.

I think you need to step back and realize that this young woman, who loves you now, is indeed 21 years old and most likely is idealizing the love you two share, and is therefore willing to give up what she doesn't realize what she might have... if it is best for her, and you care for her, you need to let her go, at least for now. You say you don't need these things, but she has been raised with them, and it is hard for someone, once they have 'had' to go without. Please do not stand in the way of her goals and dreams. Is she finished with school? Does she have a job yet? Do you have a job? Can you both bring enough to the relationship to make it worthwhile? I say these things as a 22 year old who is divorced from a man who had no ambition, no skill set, and no desire to do better. He thought his refugee status in this country and interesting travels compensated for his lack of ambition. He was an 'artiste'. Meanwhile I was in school full time for engineering, working full time, and coming home to hear him complain to me that I didn't "appreciate" him or his "art". I idealized him when we married, and I take full responsibility for that. I just don't want your gf to end up where I am at 23, basically having to start over, and having to finish things that would have been so much easier to do pre-marriage.

Perhaps you need to let her go, for awhile anyway. I doubt you can 'replace' what her parents will be to her. Are they overbearing? Perhaps her relationship with you is a rebellion in some way. Take this into consideration. I don't know you, and I'm certainly not judging, but perhaps it is time to take a long, hard and objective look at this situation.

Good luck to you.

Also, perhaps read the "but... but... but I Love Him!" sticky above. I think it may help you.