My sad truth....

Hello there

For those who have been around for awhile I say hello and for those new people I'll just introduce myself as Sillygirl...a name I have earned 10 times over...

I was the silly girl who got involved with a man 10 years younger than myself. I was 28 and he was 18. Simply a fluke how it all took place but enevitably I was in fact in a OW/YM relationship.

Words cannot explain how I felt last year at this time. My thoughts are filled with memories of my happiness and excitement that I was experiencing last year at this exact time. At the same time I felt so scared of what people thought, how people would react and what people would say. Family and friends...they all in the end affected my decisions I made.

I left my YM around August of last year. Between the outside influences I let affect me (father of my son for starters) and little things that would enevitably happen in a OW/YM relationship but ended up big things due to ALL the circumstances...I left.

I let my ex back into my life thinking it was the best thing. For our son, for our family and friends. I was looked down upon and talked about for my inappropriate actions with a man so much younger than myself. At first I thought to myself, what did I do that was so bad? After awhile I started to think how he/they talked...that what I did was wrong. I felt myself apoligizing to everyone for my actions. I said I was sorry to all my family and friends for letting them down. I became someone I never wanted to be again.

I let my thoughts, actions, music, conversations and activities once again become dictated by someone who claimed to LOVE me. That if he didn't LOVE me he wouldn't try to work this out, etc. I let myself fall into the same controlling trap I took 5 years to dig myself out of. Promises of therapy sessions he had attended talks of all the things he learned. He PROMISED he'd be better.

PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE

More and more I have been thinking about him (YM) I think of how free I felt to make my own choices, how great our relationship really was. How two people who can really truly love and not fight, not argue and more than anything let eachother be who they really are and still love unconditionally. I miss him more and more with each passing day.

Which leads me to today. I texted him simply saying "I just want to say I'm sorry for everything". He replied "It's ok...we had a blast while it lasted" followed by "I am sorry too...I still miss you and everything we had...keep in touch".

I had no plans of responding and yet he called. We talked little talk more or less. He is dating someone his own age (19 now) he made mentions and flirtations which I quickly detered him from...he's in a relationship that I don't want to ruin and I'm sure I would if conversations were to continue. In the end he said keep in touch and I just said I can't I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I sit here right now crying...crying for what we had, crying for what I lost, crying for everything that could have been. What have I done? I can only take comfort in the fact that things may have not been the same had our relationship continued.

I've talked to my girlffriends about it. I have said and I stick to this...There is only two times in my life I have felt "that way", the butterflies, the excitement, the stomach tingling and goosebumps when you here your phone ring or text message beep. The first was when I was 16 and the second was at 28. I have dated more people than I can count and yet only TWO times have I had that feeling of utter bliss and unconditional happiness.

And now my worst fear is how many more men or how long do I have to wait to find it again? Worse yet will I ever? Only time will tell.....

Moral of the story is do as I say not as I do ;) and thanks so much for listening to me vent.

Hugs SG, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough time. Those control freak ex's are hard to get rid of, aren't they? They're so persistent, and when you're away from them for a while, its like you get a case of amnesia or something. I've been there (over and over....grrrr). I think tooing and froing is part of the process of gaining the skills to cope with such people in our lives. In the end, I feel that this is positive, though frustrating and painful, a process.

Its sad about your YM too. I guess I can relate to your fears and the reasons why you ended the relationship. I must have started and ended at least 3 relationships with YM before it even occurred to me that such a relationship could really work out. And there ARE legitimate issues to process; obviously you were not quite ready for such a relationship, which is ok. Perhaps next time you'll be more prepared to see a relationship with a YM through, or you will find love with soemone older.

Anyhow, hugs...and best of luck with dealing with these problems. We're all here to talk if you need a sympathetic virtual shoulder to cry on.

It is so clear; your ex talked trash about your new relationship to coerce you into ending it. He knew which buttons to push, and apparently it worked. He may have even incited others in your life to do the same. Keep in mind, you are NOT stuck with the father of your son. You probably left him for good reasons, and those reasons obviously still exist. Trust me on this, if he is abusive, it won't get better, but it WILL get worse if you don't put a stop to it. Think about this another way; do you want your son to grow up thinking he should emulate his father? Will your son also become a target for his abusive, controlling father?

At this point, your young man is involved with someone else. Resist the urge to contact him, at least until you have resolved the situation with your son's father.

((((hugs))))

I remember you posting your situation last year.
I dont know if i replied or not, I usually just read.
I remember feeling supportive of you and your situation.
I know what you mean about butterflies and stuff.
Don't go looking for a new man, but don't be so blind you miss one either!
Right when you least expect it, B O O M there he'll be -the new love of your life turning your world upside down!
Hang in there. You're doing and have done the right things.

Thats really sad. > Hugs<

I'm sorry that your memories are causing such an emotional stir. "What might have been" is so easy to become lost in sometimes when the present isn't meeting our expectations.

Just remember, every day is a new one ;) *hugs*

hugs to you sweetie..Im sorry to see you hurting so. Thank you for sharing your story with us....

Hey Girl... I remember you too...

I always make special note of those posts from ladies with vym. I'm so sorry that you struggled so much that you let your relationship go. These relationships are difficult to get comfy with... especially in the beginning. Every little reaction plays into our worst fears that we're sick, that our relationship is doomed, that we're just plain delusional.... it ain't an easy thing to over-come. I can't think of anyone around here that didn't pass through that stage with some hard-core lumps along the way... I sure did... I almost ended my relationship more times than I can count and loads of them right here on the forums!

I bet this is little comfort to you now... but I swear that you *will* feel butterflies again. (((hugs)))

I'm so sorry, SillyGirl, but PLEASE don't kick yourself! There is nothing wrong with trying to give you, your child, and your child's father another chance to live together as a family, N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

Forgive yourself if you went back to him because it was safer than taking a chance on a new relationship, and promise yourself that you won't do it again.

Forgive yourself for letting your fear make you break-up with the younger man and promise yourself that, the next time you are in love and loved back, you will not let fear stop you.

I'm so sorry. ((((((((((((((((SillyGirl))))))))))))) It's okay to feel sorry for yourself for awhile, but don't criticize - sympathize. Give yourself a lot of love and a lot of understanding. Tell yourself that you did the best you could, you've learned from it, and you won't make the same mistakes again.

I can only say... (((HUGZ)))

Hi Sillygirl.

I am new here,(and so not computer savvy) but have been reading lots right through the good times and the bad times. Reading your post really got to me....

We could be the same person. Same ages, same situation.

Its been about 6 months since I was coerced into going back to my ex (father of my 2 yr old) who also promised counselling and how much he had changed. He didnt. I spend so much time thinking of how wonderful it was when ym was still around. I told him that I just couldnt continue on with him for the same reasons you did, pressure from family and friends and the ex.

Its probably not much help at the moment but you are so beautiful and your baby looks so cute.

I wish you both all the love in the world.

Kristy -New Zealand

When I first saw your post I was like 'whaaat?' cos I use the user name Sillygirl on another forum.... ;)

Anyway, just to say : You are not silly - bless you.....cyber hugs from one sillygirl to another <<HUG>>

I had something similar happen to me but the men were of my age. I also had a choice between two - the new relationship versus an old relationship. I regretted and still regret that I chose the old relatioship. We are not together now and you are right people don't change that much unless perhaps it has been years and years of time. I know some people get remarried and it works for them very well but for me I have a funny statement and it is "no recycling " lol Once it is done it is done. I feel that i can say that because I hang in there for a very long time and dont give up easy so when it is over it is over. Sorry for your pain and just know that things can change. Don't stay stuck where you are terribly unhappy whatever you have to do.

Silly Girl

I'm sorry that you're feeling so sad.

I know how you feel. I've felt those same feelings for only two men in my life. One, I dated for most of my 20s. Today he is one of my very best friends and I still love him with all my heart. He is definitely a soulmate. The other was a YM that I dated, who stomped on my heart.

For me, you and others here, we learned that we can feel that way about someone again when we found these feelings with our YM.

I, too, wonder if I'll ever feel that way yet again but I think that the answer is Yes. When? I don't know.

From your experience with your YM, you know that you have the capacity to feel that way again. It will happen when the time is right. Until then, be sure to love yourself with "utter bliss and unconditional happiness".

SG

Oh girls...what would I do without all of you. So many similar situations, so much advice. But oh have you helped me E V E R Y single one of you!

I wrote that at a very "weak" moment. Really it's not "weak" I just say that for lack of a better word. I did in fact write that from the heart. So many times I said to myself if he was only 5 years older or that not being legally possible...if only it were 5 years down the road. I would have been with him for the rest of my life and I can say that without a doubt.

But woula, coulda, shoulda...not to make light of my situation but I have to lighten up the mood a little so that you all can not have to worry about me ;)

However he did text me again. So much like last year it's easy to get caught in the moment...It started with him texting me "thinking about me"? (a term we used daily) I replied with "Your a funny guy" and he came back with "I think I'm a fairly funny guy"....I did not reply.

Today around lunch time I get "so I take it you wern't thinking about me" I reply with a "you crack me up" he says "why is that" and "last time I checked you liked that"...long story short he stated he doesn't care what I may have said to others to downplay our relationship, he knows how special it was and finshed the conversation with.

I still love you.....

All I could say is...I know

I cannot deny how good he makes me feel inside. That has been since the moment we met. I do know however that it cannot work for many reasons so I'm not completely naive to the reality of my so called life.

I felt so bad for letting him make me feel so happy. I have been having the worst days lately and just the beep of my phone made my day so much better.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for being here for me all of you. I have never met anyone of you but some of the women here I feel as though I've known for years. I have such a wonderful support system in you girls.

Words can never express how much you and all mean to me. :o

Whew! "I still love you." - I didn't expect that! Whew!

Me neither....I'm so reckless, I'd prolly drop everything and run into the YM's arms....


Oh dear, poor Sillygirl....must be wrenching your bits this way and that!

I read your story and my heart goes out to you. It must be so hard. As a mother of a 2 yr old myself and recently divorced, I can see what you are going through. Love is hard and the best thing for me has been my son. I love him so much that he is the one my focus is on. I love my OM so very much but my son is my rock right now. Basically I am taking my relationship day by day and loving life. I mean really loving life. Loving being alive. Like you, being away from my ex I am free. I feel free. Revel in that. Take comfort in your son. Do things you never would have done before. Live every day like it is your last. Believe that everything happens for a reason and that God does bless you. Go outside pick a flower, take in the breath that is in your lungs and be thankful for today. Love will come again.

As for your YM and the feelings he has for you. Be careful with your heart and his. You only live once. Don't plan for the future. Live for today.

-Nibbles

He continues to text me...It's so hard.

BUT I do know he still has growing up to do. He has dreams he wants to pursue that I just can't wait for.

This was almost painful to read. Not out of pity for you, it was more that your words are clear how you emotionally feel, as well as how the logical part of you has to face the reality of this particular relationship.

Thank you for sharing, allowing me (and I am sure others) to open our hearts and minds to really think.

You seem to be a lady with a great mind, and a wonderful heart.