To propose or not to propose.

Since I am quite anonymous and 38, I will admit I have no qualms about chasing younger women. It does not hurt that I look and act younger than 38 either. I have come to learn how important it is to keep up appearances.

My girlfriend is 21, but thinks I am around 28. I never told her anything different. I am not sure how she will take it when she learns the truth. Odds are pretty good I am going to propose at some point.

There lies the dilemma, do I have the right to tie a 21 YO down? Would it make any difference if she were a single mother? Or should I let it be her decision? I am not sure I can give her what she is going to miss out on, or am I simply overthinking it?

If you are talking about proposing I would think you are at a point in your relationship where she would Know your age etc.....

Shes an adult she makes her decisons you wouldn't be holding anyone back

Since I have never been married or even thought of marriage in concrete terms, I am afraid. Perhaps, I should ask her to move in first as a trial run.

Do you have the right to tie a 21 year old down?

Not without her consent!

Seriously, I think you might be taking too much responsibility for the decision and the relationship. Because while I make a joke, at the same time you have an opportunity to share the decision(s).

I'm a big fan of building a relationship and keeping the marriage question in perspective. In your original post you said you were going to propose "at some point." Don't propose until you propose! Wait until that point! Build the relationship in a way that makes sense to both of you (including whether or not to live together for a while) and you won't have to worry so much about the question. You'll both know the answer.

Always best to ask questions when you know what the answer will be!

"Don't propose until you propose! Wait until that point!"
Great advice by Wallypop.

Also, i wouldn't bother thinking about any of this until your relationship is 100% honest. tell her your age. She'll likely not care as much about how old you are than she will about the fact you kept it from her.

If she's cool with that- then move on from there.

If she doesn't know your real age, I don't think you're at the point to propose. I think any good marriage is based on truth and age is such a petty thing to lie over. I would tell her the truth about your age and let her come to terms with it before you do anything else.

Yea really, how can you even consider marriage at this point?

Be a man and come clean first. Wow.

If she doesn't know your real age, I don't think you're at the point to propose. I think any good marriage is based on truth and age is such a petty thing to lie over. I would tell her the truth about your age and let her come to terms with it before you do anything else.

I did not lie about my age, I just did not correct her. Rest assured, she will find out eventually. I want her mother's blessing before it is too late. (Her mother has terminal cancer with not much time left and is only 42, this is putting a massive strain on their relationship. In fact, my chief goal is getting them to reconcile. I am not so amoral as you seem to think.)

didn't mean to come off judgemental. i understand where you're coming from. but just giving my advice, that it'd be best to let her come to terms with your age and the fact you did not correct her before anything else. good luck and sorry to hear of her mother's condition.

I know the truth will have to be revealed, but the circumstances do not make it any easier. I am not sure how she will react. When her mother passes, I may be all she has.

I did not lie about my age, I just did not correct her. Rest assured, she will find out eventually. I want her mother's blessing before it is too late. (Her mother has terminal cancer with not much time left and is only 42, this is putting a massive strain on their relationship. In fact, my chief goal is getting them to reconcile. I am not so amoral as you seem to think.)


You might not have lied about your age.....but by letting her think the incorrect age...in her eyes..it will most likely be as if you lied to her. And thats gonna take some time getting over. Hopefully she'll be able to get over it.

Nadine.

I am not saying you are wrong, but simply I never found the right time.

How do you tell someone you are a bit older than they think you are?

Goodnight.

I am not saying you are wrong, but simply I never found the right time.

How do you tell someone you are a bit older than they think you are?

Goodnight.

That's the thing...you shouldn't have this problem, because normally a couple would know eachothers age right off the bat. How far along are you into this relationship to not know everything about eachother, yet feel it's time for marriage. The whole thing just seems weird to me. :confused:

I am not saying you are wrong, but simply I never found the right time.

How do you tell someone you are a bit older than they think you are?

Goodnight.

You tell them immediatly.. thats the only way... Because most likely she isn't going to care and if she does than unfortunatly the relationship is not worth pursuing...

However Now you don't face her getting upset with the age.. Now you have to face the chance for her being angry that you weren't more forthcoming...so When you lie about the age or lie about anythig really it tends to bite you in the butt....

I think you need to discuss this with her and unfortunatly Not marriage... before you marry you should be way past any untruths or untolds stage of your relationship

You ask how to tell her?

You could easily do it by telling a story about "When I was 35.....blah blah blah..."

You've managed up to this point to hide a decade of your life from her, and I've had this happen to me too. It's a lie, not simply withholding the truth. I felt like I didn't know who he was because all the stories we'd shared about our past felt wrong...it felt like I didn't know who he really was. I eventually asked him point blank what his age was because my friends were bugging me to ask him, and he finally told me, albeit very unwillingly. I dumped him because I felt I couldn't trust him. We got together for a while years later, but I always had a bit of mistrust because of this (and other issues). If you want a future with this girl, I'd make a point of telling her real soon, before she beats you to it. It'll turn out better that way, though it might be hard to do.

There is a bit more to the story. We actually met in 2002 slightly before she got pregnant by someone else intentionally. (Her mother said she wanted to be a mother and apparently was not too picky about the father. He threatened to kill her by holding a gun to her head in October last year. I only just found out.) Things stalled out for three years. I never knew how much she cared until you fought another girl over me and went to jail in October 2005. (Busy month, eh?)

We started communicating online over Yahoo in January, but it was four months before I saw her again in February. We were supposed to get together for Valentines, but she apparently could not make it. I bought her a Valentine's heart necklace and presented to her when I saw again in March. (She was upset when she broke it, so I replaced the necklace. Her mother says she wears it day and night and never takes it off.)

Things have been moving very fast. For the record, she mentioned marriage first and also said she wants to have my baby. I was completely shocked.

In a very real sense, I am committed. I know I have to find a way to bring my age up, but with all thats happened that is not the easiest thing to do.

I just talked to her mother again. If only half of what I was told is true, neither my age nor the pending proposal will ever come up. My heart is already breaking. In fact, I will have to run a criminal record check just to verify. She may be the exact opposite of who I thought she was.

i'm confused now I'm sorry.....

I think you guys need to really jsut date right now and not really discuss Marriage .. neither one of you are ready for such a step.... i don't know.. I'm confused about your situation... I'm sorry I can't be some help

i'm confused now I'm sorry.....

I think you guys need to really jsut date right now and not really discuss Marriage .. neither one of you are ready for such a step.... i don't know.. I'm confused about your situation... I'm sorry I can't be some help

You are confused now? I am positively perplexed. :(

Since I am completely anonymous, I may as well tell you (according to her mother who would have no reason to lie) she was caught using cocaine by the authorities a few months ago. She has been using drugs.

I know I cannot save her mother, but now I am not even sure I can save her.

It must be pretty hard on both of you, each feeling that the other's love is somewhat dependent on concealing aspects of yourselves.

Love can be so much better than what you're experiencing. Unfortuneately, it takes courage and willingness to accept possible rejection when you expose your true self to another.

I have that kind of relationship in my life; neither of us are perfect but we love and understand each other. I say that its worth it, even if its hard, even if there are problems. Being loved for who you are, not who you pretend to be is priceless.

It must be pretty hard on both of you, each feeling that the other's love is somewhat dependent on concealing aspects of yourselves.


I love her to death (hopefully not literally), bit there is no comparison. Even if I did conceal my age, it was far outweighed by the reported drug use.

I am not sure what to feel, but I am a lot less than happy.

Sorry to bring this up, but do you think your girlfriend has mental health problems?
Surely rational women dont just go round getting men for babies? I would examine her very closely if I were you. You have only allowed her to believe you are younger than you are,hardly the crime of the century. She on the other hand seems like a very strange young lady to me. (drug abuse is never a good indicator of reliability) :confused:

I love her to death (hopefully not literally), bit there is no comparison. Even if I did conceal my age, it was far outweighed by the reported drug use.

Yes, I can relate; The drug incident would bother me more than learning that my partner had concealed his age.

All I meant to say is that you both have issues with concealing things from one another. Her issues may be more severe in your eyes, and my eyes also, but that doesn't change the fact that you've been concealing information too....information which might be important to HER, even if it is not so important to me or you.

She is 21, you are 38. She has a terminally ill mother who she is estranged from and a 2 or 3 year old child whom she conceived on purpose. She is a reported drug user. She has been in jail.

Exactly what do you see in this young woman?

She is 21, you are 38. She has a terminally ill mother who she is estranged from and a 2 or 3 year old child whom she conceived on purpose. She is a reported drug user. She has been in jail.

Exactly what do you see in this young woman?

You summarized it pretty well. At least I know I can still write.

This is so complicated. I have only been talking to her mother since last Thursday. She has effectively defamed her daughter. I am not sure who she is anymore. I am also not entirely sure her mother is completely reliable. I am not 100% sure of anything anymore.

As for the trip to jail, it was less than a day. She hit a cop and somehow got off the hook. If I had not been caught with someone else, it probably would not have happened.

As for the alleged drug use, I am afraid I am back to the pulling the criminal record and other investigations.

I have been in love with her since the beginning. I have never been able to shake it. A part of me believes I can still save her. I am doomed.

On that happy note, I should reserve judgement until I can get back with her. I apologize for being overly emotional. This depth of feeling for me is a kin to insanity.

Based on my research on the symptoms, I do not think it is actually cocaine. Unfortuntately, I am not around her 24 hours a day. I have to agree her mother on one point: she is hanging out with the wrong crowd.

I bet I have a better chance of winning the lottery than to get her to take a drug test. :( She will be probably be furious that I even asked. It is a good thing she does not know about this board.

You know, if I were her and estranged from my Mom, I would be furious to find out my boyfriend is talking to my Mom about me. Her Mom is telling you things about her daughter that are negative. This type of triangulating never works. And sorry, but that is not how one builds an intimate relationship with their intended.

Also, you can't save anyone. She can only save herself. You can support and encourage if she is READY.

It wasn't your fault she was arrested. She HIT A COP. That is why she was in jail. Is this who you want to be the mother of your child?

Seems to me, you two need to sit down and have a LONG LONG talk. The least of your problems is your age. :(

I probably should have mentioned she has been absent for the last several weeks, which was one of the reasons why I called her mother in the first place.

Well, you were right. She was none too happy I was talking to her mother about her and told me never to do it, but I was really worried about her. The more I think about it I am not sure her mother was 100% on the level, so her motives are very unclear.

I recently learned her car suffered a motor failure, but she is over 13 hours away. They say misery loves company, so naturally she has a friend stranded with her. Fortunately, her father is taking care of them.

My job requires me to be available Monday through Friday, I could not break away. I literally have no time to take off. Even though I very much wanted to go pick them up myself, I offered pay the bus fare and pick them up at the bus station. I was planning to go get them Saturday anyway. Apparently, my desire to be practical upset her. I believe I smoothed it over.

In spite of my somewhat emotional messages, I believe everything is fine and she will be coming back to me. (How I hold on to her is a mystery to me.)

I miss her so much. As far I know, she is still at her father's many states away. I hope she is clean when she comes back.

I have the distinct feeling my emotional pain is just starting. I have no idea how to even proceed. How do you ask your girlfriend if she has a drug problem? What do you do if she admits or deniies it when you have heard statements to the contrary? Even if will kill me, should I break up with her? I have loved her so much for so long, it will be like losing a leg. :(

To me it seems like you just need to slow down and take things as they come. I get the feeling that you are in a rush to make a decision to stay with her, to marry her etc.

You say that you've been in love with her since "the beginning" so, if it were me, I'd just sit tight and see. Give her a chance to get herself straightened out, and give both of yourselves the chance to develop trust in each other, confide in each other etc.

I simply have to wait for her come back and take it from there. It may seem like I am rushing it, but it has taken over 3.5 years to get to this point. (It does not help I am so shy and all of the other extenuating circumstances.)

If you're planning on proposing and spending your life with her, she needs to know your age. If she loves you, I don't think it would cause an issue (though she will be upset you lied to her).

As for tying her down--she's an adult. If she didn't want to be tied down, she would tell you so. If she thought you were holding her back, she wouldn't go through with the possible future marriage. Not all 21 year olds want to go out, drinking and partying. Some do want to settle down, so maybe having an older man is best.

Actually, this 21 YO is still pretty wild. She has piercings and tattoos also likes to hang out in bars and drink as well as worked as a stripper.

There is more naturally, but I will save that for later.

Something just don't seem right here.


Shad.

They say opposites attract.

Would you believe she is also bisexual? [I am 100% straight.]

On Saturday, she started talking about me getting her a ring. I am pretty well committed now.

Hmmm...(sucks teeth). I'm with Shaddup here.

What's the big rush to get married :confused:

Honestly, listen to the advice you've had so far. Seems like there's a lot that needs uncovering before you go head long into marriage. Like telling each other the truth (your age, her drugs problem/arrests/father of child).

IMHO she sounds a bit dodgy.... :( Sorry, but be careful. Definitely date each other more....

I am not certain the drug problem is completely real either. Her mother is not exactly the most reliable source. They are even more estranged than I thought they were.

As for the jail, since she was willing to fight another girl over me that must mean she was afraid of losing me. Over the weekend, she said threatened to do it again and make me bail her out. I am in big trouble.

Assuming there are no major road blocks, I will marry her.

Wow...I only read the last page of this thread first, and thought, "what's the big deal?".

OMG....she has piercings and tattoos? So do I.

She likes to go out and drink in bars? So do I.

She's bisexual? So am I.

She has worked as a stripper? That doesn't necessarily make her anything...other than someone who quite possibly needed the money at that point in her life.

So, unlike my usual MO (fortunately), I actually did look back at the rest of the thread. The drugs, the estranged mother, the purposeful pregnancy, the jail (and, the reasons for it)....all of THIS crap isn't enough for you?

This doesn't give you any pause, whatsoever?

I mean, I'm sitting here just shaking my head as to what you have come up with as "reasons that she's not right for you". What's next? That she likes to watch porn?

Really....does it not sink in, at any point, that the more you speak, the more apparent it becomes that you are somewhat...ummm....desperate?

No person should be treated as a "wounded bird" that you want to take care of. Yes, she is a person with her own demons....but, is there anything positive, at ALL, that you can say about her?

If you have mentioned them, I have missed them. And, probably because they have been buried in all of the crap that you are talking about her.

Honestly, if these are the first things that you say about her....do you really want to marry this woman?

Assuming there are no major road blocks, I will marry her.
You dont see the drug problem, jail time, and purposefully getting pregnant by someone else after she met you as road blocks?

I'm sorry, but the more you post the less real your relationship sounds. If everything is accurate, it sounds like you and your g/f have some issues to work out before you need a marriage certificate.

You dont see the drug problem, jail time, and purposefully getting pregnant by someone else after she met you as road blocks?

I'm sorry, but the more you post the less real your relationship sounds. If everything is accurate, it sounds like you and your g/f have some issues to work out before you need a marriage certificate.

I am not so sure there is a real drug problem yet. The jail time was less than a day and it was a fight over me. She barely knew me when she got pregnant.

It is becoming more complicated, still. She is wanting me to propose and get her an engagement ring like now. In fact, she practically proposed to me. I have never seen anything like this before.

I am not so sure there is a real drug problem yet. The jail time was less than a day and it was a fight over me. She barely knew me when she got pregnant.

It is becoming more complicated, still. She is wanting me to propose and get her an engagement ring like now. In fact, she practically proposed to me. I have never seen anything like this before.

If I was you I would take this SERIOUSLY slow. Going to jail for fighting over you is just as bad as any other fight, in some ways worse. She has so little trust in you she gets in a physical fight when you spend any time with someone? that doesnt seem to be a good base for a solid relationship.

Really....does it not sink in, at any point, that the more you speak, the more apparent it becomes that you are somewhat ...ummm....desperate?


Nope, I am confused definitely -- but not desperate. There have been other women even recently, does that make a cheater or a fornicater? Of course, I may have been faithful.

To be honest, I am living through this and I am more perplexed than you are. Nothing is black and white. I know I love her, but the circumstances...

If I was you I would take this SERIOUSLY slow. Going to jail for fighting over you is just as bad as any other fight, in some ways worse. She has so little trust in you she gets in a physical fight when you spend any time with someone? that doesnt seem to be a good base for a solid relationship.

Would you believe she said she would fight over me again this past weekend?

Would you believe she said she would fight over me again this past weekend?
Thats EXACTLY my point. Dont you see that as a problem? There's either something missing in your relationship or something screwed up in her way of handling relationships. Either way, not the best foot to start a relationship on.

Would you believe she said she would fight over me again this past weekend?

Sure, Some people just like a life that is frantic, sad, bizzare and ultimately destructive. Good luck...your description of her is straight out of a textbook on psychopathology....

Would you believe she said she would fight over me again this past weekend?

Classy.... :(

LOL, I have to laugh at the other readers' responses ... and totally agree with them.

You describe your disfunctional relationship and various personal attributes of both yourself and your girlfriend with pride...just don't expect the rest of us to understand.

Please stop sharing these details... I can't see what relevance this has to age gap relationships, unless you mean to demonstrate the pitfalls?!

You describe your disfunctional relationship and various personal attributes of both yourself and your girlfriend with pride...just don't expect the rest of us to understand.


As I said before, I do not really understand it myself. Perhaps, I shared too much.

There have been other women even recently, does that make a cheater or a fornicater? Of course, I may have been faithful Would you elaborate or be a little more clear? Other women for you or for her? :confused:

Have you asked her why the rush to get married? Is she pregnant? I don't get it. Anytime someone wants to get married like "NOW!", there is something not right. Love is a secure and patience-like feeling, not a panicky... "let's run away and do it now..!!!!!"

In all likelyhood, my point got lost. That is to say, I am not desperate in that sense. There are other women interested in me.

I am still puzzled as to why she wants me to propose now and get her the ring. She is not pregnant by me and does not look pregnant, so I hope that is not it. I am not sure what is driving it.

All things remaining equal, for some reason, I thought I would be able to choose the timing of the proposal. Isn't that the one thing the man still has a say in?

Sure, Some people just like a life that is frantic, sad, bizzare and ultimately destructive. Good luck...your description of her is straight out of a textbook on psychopathology....

I remember what you originally wrote. What entitles you to make judgements on anyone's psychological state on a message board no less?

IMHO, she has issues with abandonment. She is so afraid of losing me, she views other women as rivals. Thus, she believes she must fight to keep me.

She is so afraid of losing me, she views other women as rivals. Thus, she believes she must fight to keep me.

Honestly...is this what keeps you with her? (as opposed to any other woman on the planet?)

A girl "fighting for you" must be quite the ego-trip....

Honestly...is this what keeps you with her? (as opposed to any other woman on the planet?)

A girl "fighting for you" must be quite the ego-trip....

I would have to say it is flattering, but it is not exactly desirable. I can't be with any other women without the jealousy flaring up. She is always asking me about other women. She has accused me of being a player. Jealousy may be the biggest problem we have beyond the marriage dilemma.

I would have to say it is flattering, but it is not exactly desirable. I can't be with any other women without the jealousy flaring up. She is always asking me about other women. She has accused me of being a player. Jealousy may be the biggest problem we have beyond the marriage dilemma.

Angelus... Do you blame her for having a little jealousy? just the other day you were seeking approval to see "other" woman.... maybe she can sense this

Angelus... Do you blame her for having a little jealousy? just the other day you were seeking approval to see "other" woman.... maybe she can sense this

That much was true, but since has come back I have been faithful. I could have been unfaithful several times over in her absence, but I wasn't.

I narrowly avoided disaster Saturday. One of my other women was trying to hook up with me. If Mandy and her met, I hate to think what would happen.

And I thought I had problems. :eek: This is so messed up. For one thing, I don't see why you would be impressed with the thought of her fighting for/over you. That is definitely a jealousy/mistrust issue. IF there is not trust in a relationship, it will never work, no matter how hard you do try, talking from experience and the best advice that I heard, from none other than the caring people on Ageless.

Listen to these people, they know and they can see a different point of view on your relationship. IF they say something is not adding up, they mean it. Trust me, I found that out the hard way, and I shed alot of tears over it all. If I would have only listened to them I would've been better off. But now that I see it all happening, I know who I can trust.

Even in my eyes, this relationship will never take off and stay aflight. There's too many negative factors playing into it all, jealousy, lies, mistrust, over-bearing, and so much more. Pushing for marriage, I was with my BF for 4 years, had a baby with him, never married him, had a bad break-up and we are now just trying to reconcile. I am glad I never married him, and I truthfully can't say if I will. And we didn't have as many problems as you and you "SO" are having.

I think you and her need to either date for a long time, build the trust, stop the lies, or you better take time away from eachother, to regroup, find yourselves, and see other people, find out for sure what you want in life as for an SO, and not take the first one that wants to push for marriage, but yet isn't mature enough to NOT fight for you. A fight is a fight, violence is the same. Not a good component in ANY type of relationship.

Good luck.

Can I ask - why would you want to marry her?

You've given a bunch of reasons why you shouldn't, so why would you?

You've mentioned in other threads that you can't resist other women, which indicates that monogamy may not be a factor for you.

You say that you've loved her from the day you met, but you are finding out things about her you didn't know, which makes me want to ask how can you really love someone you don't know very well at all? And you say she doesn't even know the whole truth about you, either.

If she gets your kid, you are tied to her forever. I can see that benefit to her, but I can't figure out why you would want to get married at all?

If it's just because she wants to, that is a horrible reason to get married - regardless of secrets and behavior.