Broken-hearted & I have to refuse him

I am at rock-bottom with my relationship with Larry. He is 45 and I am 49. He is just a piece of work. I have never been so thrown off balance and mesmerized by anyone in my whole life, not even my husband when we were in love.

Larry keeps me constantly guessing, elated and thrilled but mostly disappointed and sad. He is a model son and father and was by all accounts a dutiful, caring husband during his long marriage. And so I thought he was a safe bet. But the way he treats me and plays games with me is just the limit.

I can't tell you he is all bad to me, though. I wish I could--then it would be easier to be rid of him. And furthermore, I am hooked on Larry sexually. We are talking about a very desirable, virile man who is an expert lover.

Please help with words of advice and support. Am crying so hard tonite because he stood me up today and I know it's just no good. He'll always hurt me. I have to let him go and I don't know how to start the process. Talking to him does no good really--and it wouldn't with someone who doesn't, really never did care about me.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, Sarette. There's nothing worse than having your heart broken by someone you love with your soul. I have no advice to offer since you clearly know what you have to do. You've said yourself he will always hurt you, so time to love yourself enough to kick Larry boy to the curb.

Much love to you. (((((HUGS)))))))))

Sarette,
I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this heartache right now, I know how it feels. Wanting something, but knowing it's not good for you.

Just reading your post leaves me convinced that Larry does not value the amazing woman that you are. There is someone else out there who will.

Pamper yourself with bubble baths and nights out with the girls until you get to that stage of the grieving process where you are truly MAD at his belittling behavior. Perspective at that point will give you the strength to move forward past him at lightening speed.

I am also 49, not permanently attached either. And, I know that it feels MUCH better to let go of someone with whom you have a strong physical connection rather than to stay in something where your sense of personal worth is being wittled away.

Hugs to you in this tough time....you WILL make it
Karen

Ditto for me, Sarette. Your pain is palpable, you know what you have to do, and my heart goes out to you.

The only thing that I can offer for advice is a very simple exercise: look in the mirror and say, "You deserve better. You are a loving, lovable good person. You deserve better." and then repeat it, "I deserve better. I am a loving, lovable good person, and I deserve better," Scream it, whisper it, choke through tears to get it said, but say it, and keep saying it until you believe it. Use anger at first if you need it to stoke a fire in your belly, but after that, do it for positive reasons - for yourself. When you finally believe it, doing what you have to do will be much easier.

Another thing that you might consider is releasing him in your mind. You say that he was a good husband to another woman, so you might think of releasing him so he can find the right woman to be good to again. I know that might sound a bit painful, but releasing him with love will also begin to set you free.

I am not saying it will happen, but sometimes, when you rebuild your self-esteem and release someone, you become more attractive to them and they are free to decide that you are the one for them. Often, by that time, you've decided that THEY'RE not the one for you, but either way you win.

Big hug. ((((((((((((((((((((((((Sarette))))))))))))))))))) )))))))

PS: Just because it's the best sex you've had so far, doesn't mean it's the best sex you'll ever have. Trust me on that. ;)

Thank you so much for your kind and wonderfully wise words, all three of you. :) (This is just an incredible forum, beautifully set up and with such neat people--I keep reading and feeling like wow, this is gonna be a great exp!)

Today I have been feeling like sometimes it's the little things that hurt, like him taking off his watch and setting it carefully on the dresser with a smile before we made love the last time (how I wish he were really mine and would set it there every nite). And how he expressed worry about my kitty gaining too much weight from always being indoors. And doing a few household chores for me last Thurs nite when he was over. That's the good Larry.

The other side of Larry is controlling of me, tells me what to wear and do and can be the worst, most neglectful cad. I was having car trouble Sunday and that was the awfulest day he could have kept me waiting two hours before I finally called him and asked, what's the deal? And then he stood me up anyway (I so needed to get to the store, too). And I haven't heard from him still! It's not okay to need him, I never have been able to.

And so for unacceptable stuff like that, you are right about me needing to let go and accept the way this ended up. I just have to. We have been seeing each other for about 18 months and that is long enough to see that he's simply never going to give me a commitment. I don't think I was ever more to him than a sexual friend.

I can't hate him, I never will. It bothers me, though, that he was so good to his wife but not me--and yet says I am so much nicer to him than she was. One of life's (or love's) inequities, I guess. (Sigh).

Thanks again.

Why would you think he treated his wife differently? Is it his ex wife or are you the affair? Because if you are the affair, more than likely you're being treated exactly the way the wife has been, remember we don't always know how a man has treated the wife unless you go and talk to her...although I'm sure you wouldn't believe or care once you connected to him physically, that can be a powerful tool that sucks you in and lies to you to believe that YOU are this different booty call that will treated differently.

It seems to be the same treatment, you know why, because we allow ourselves to be treated the same. The only way that it would be different is if a woman could stay empowered by her ability to keep her individualness, but we have a hard time doing that once we check in emotionally and certainly physically, Larry boy, gets away with as much crap as his poor wife had to put up with.

Remember, you weren't in their marriage, so you really don't know what went on and you only have his word of it, which for all intent and purposes and you're finding out, is not worth a hill of beans if he can't honourable keep it. So now, you're in the same boat his wife is in, it always ends up there, 52% of the time according to stats. Now empower yourself by changing the dialogue in your head to believe that you will be ok without him. You were before him and you will be after...more than likely his wife is much better off without him and so will you.

You will not die over this, if you've had other relationship you certainly lived long enough for the next one, and yes, its going to be difficult at the beginning...but what would be the alternative...stay sucked him to a man who apparently has no respect for women anymore than he has for himself.

Paris

The key word here is respect.

From your post, it doesn't seem as though he respects you, and maybe you are just his 'sex friend'.

Yuck...how awful for you :( You are worth so much more.

Keep posting for support or just a rant.....


((hugs))

The pain that you're going through is real, Sarette. I'm sorry that you're experiencing this but you've done something really important - you've realized that you need to get out of the relationship, and why. Now, you need to work on taking the steps that will carry you out.

Paris, very good post. Unless you were a fly on the wall, you don't know what went on in his marriage or if he really treated his wife 'better'. And I doubt that he did. Sarette, like Paris said, you will not die over this, even if it feels like it at times. Staying in the relationship not only prolongs the pain that he is causing you, it only makes the pain of separation worse when you finally get around to leaving the relationship.

Like Chatter said, you deserve better and it sounds like you know it. Better is out there but it's not available while you're wrapped up with this man - because you are unavailable. And I agree with Chatter about "Just because it's the best sex you've had so far, doesn't mean it's the best sex you'll ever have. Trust me on that." Trust me on that one, too. ;)

Write here, rant here, whatever it takes. Get yourself a break-up buddy (or two!) at home. Someone you can call when you feel like calling him. Someone who will let you cry or rant whenever you need to. Someone who will come hang out and watch movies and have dinner or drag your tush out of the house when appropriate.

Japan said it: R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

He's not treating you with respect. But it's time for you to treat yourself with Respect.

Huggs,

SG

Sticking to my guns here--and your replies are helping, believe me. I will never call him or send him an email like I would in the past. He broke this in half, not me.

And, yeah, I get the feeling that his wife was cranky and sharp with him during their marriage--but that could be out of resentment for never being able to be vulnerable with Larry. I mean, I have been and lookit the result. He drank til he was blasted in a bar during her cancer of the cervix op she had to have because he was "worried sick." And then complains that she often felt reluctant to leave him in charge of their little boy.

You just have to get past the spell a good-looking, good-lover-but hollow-person puts you under. And then you can often times finally see an individual without what it takes to make a solid, healthy, and enjoyable relationship, plain and simple. At least until they recognize what they are doing to others.

It was only last Thurs Larry and I were together and I guess it hasn't been nearly enough time for me to recover. Plus, he called like Mr. Wonderful last Sat nite--that is, before he did a disappearing act on Sun.

So one day and nite at a time here. And I have sent off prayers for something heaps better in the future. I used to actually pray like this, "Dear God, please let him call me--just call, and I promise I'll do the rest!" What can I say? I've been ill--literaly lovesick.

I hope you realize what Larry did to his wife, he would do to you also. It is always a dead end to get involved with someone who is married or in a long-term live-in relationship with someone else. HE might be going through a tough time in the relationship, and decide to escape it through sexual adventures with someone else, but YOU might be led to believe that it's more and that he'll evetually leave his wife and be with you.

From what I understand, this almost never happens, and if it does, he eventually leaves YOU for someone else, because in some way you dissatisfied him and it's his way of dealing with it.

When I was single, I always dated guys who gave me their HOME phone number and address. Anyone who wouldn't was suspicious and I just brushed them off. Married men CAN be so charming because they're relieving their stress at home by playing this game. As long as you make them believe they're in the right, they'll continue to play the game, because it helps them avoid solving the problem, and brings the enjoyment of adoration and sex from another female...no strings attached.

These guys aren't victims, they're PREDATORS! If they had such a lousy life at home, they'd leave it! Guys aren't THAT helpless! They usually prey on women who are caring, sensitive, honest, and open to a new relationship. That describes just about every single woman on the planet, so don't feel alone.

I'm sorry you got involved with this guy, and believe me, another guy will be just as good in bed for you (be willing to TRAIN HIM)! Hang in there, and realize that unattached guys are SOOOO much better and more fun to be with! :)

Thanks Polly. I should have clarified, Larry is no longer in the home with wife. He was finally shafted some months ago. Also, as I look back, the people that insist he was a model husband are him, his mom, and his loyal buddies, so go figure.

But regardless whether he was a sinner or saint with wife, I guess I just have to pay attention to his behavior with me, which has ranged from charmingly self-serving to downright cruel.

So I don't get within myself why I was felt he was so special for all these months--thought I knew better at my age and with what I have learned in life. But I was absolutely hell-bent on having him. And it did turn out to be hell and not much else. In truth, I can't even really say he was the best lover I've ever had. God help me if he were! With a truly great lover you get to relax, enjoy, and not have to worry all the time, what is he thinking, what does he feel for me? You're not on pins and needles.

You and I know he'll be back--that type almost always keeps surfacing in your life until he a) is given the gate or b) finds some other chump. So I need to be calm, composed, but just about armed to the teeth against his charm. And I refuse to sit there and cry and tell him how much everything hurt, (forget that victim attitude), it would fall on deaf ears anyway. Larry and I just need to be over. Once I actually did find it in me to give him the gate and you guessed it, he came around after a few weeks professing his love. Which I fell for, naturally.

I am in agreeance with the posters before me. Like SG said....Japan hit the nail on the head...its all about Respect. Respect for YOURSELF. As long as you keep ALLOWING this behaiviour from him, he will continue to exhibit it. Furthermore you will continue into this cycle of ....'I know he is bad for me.....but i just cant let go'.

What is the worst thing that can happen to you if you completly break away from him??. Will you die? will you fall into a bottomlesspit? will life stop having meaning? ....I doubt it very much. In fact i am willing to bet that 'kicking him to curb' might just be another liberating act in your life.

Imagine going through the day without having all the anxieties, worries, bad feelings and everything else that goes with the situation. Isnt that perspective worth it?. This man does not does not deserve to have you spend all this time on him. Wondring about how he feels etc. But nevertheless he is getting that. And the only thing that you can ask yourself everytime he does something that upsets you is: 'What am i getting out of this'.

The reason we stay in bad situations/relationships is because we dont feel that we can do better, that we will be better of.....in short...we arent seeing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Manipulators (that is what this man is) are experts at keeping us boxed in. That is ofcourse untill we have had enough.

You have already established for your self that this man is not good for you. That is step 1.....congratulations. But you have also realised that you arent out of the woods yet. Like SG said earlier...get a support buddy or several if needed. Start to reclaim back yourself. Everytime you want to call him, think about how great the sex was etc....replace this with an alternative. Call a friend, go for a walk, do something you want to do for YOURSELF.

Most importantly...to break free of this man and to reclaim yourself...your motivation should be that you are doing this FOR YOURSELF. Not because you want him to hurt like you are hurting now, not because you are hoping that he will see the error of his ways. None of those and other reasons that involve his potential actions. Once you are clear on that, the rest will follow.

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

My ex-husband was a charismatic, charming, self-serving, manipulative turd. Every time I would break things off with him and move back home, my dad would say to me, "Polly, please DON'T take that man's phone calls. Every time you allow CONVERSATION, you are opening the door for negotiation." My dad knew how manipulative Bobby was, and how I just got sucked right back in, like a fish on a hook. So for me to finally break it off with my ex-husband, I couldn't talk to him at all for quite some time, until I had finally gotten over him and healed.

If you believe that this man is bad for you (and I think deep down you do) then you're right...you have to arm yourself heavily against him. Don't let your guard down for a minute. Don't TALK to him at all, because he will suck you back in and the whole horrible cycle will start all over again.

Before you can do this though, you really need to convince yourself that it's really over this time. Write out a list of "pro's" and "cons" about this guy, and look at it as objectively as you can. If you see way more negative than positive, and you know he's NOT going to change, you need to make the conscious, emotionally healthy decision to end this FOR YOU. You don't owe this man anything. You do owe yourself an emotionally healthy life. If you're really having a hard struggle, therapy will help, even if you only go a few times. It'll get you over the "hump".

Guys like Larry are a dime a dozen. They're pretty on the outside, but hideous on the inside, and they emotionally drain whoever they're involved with.

I hope you find the strength to get away from this guy. I believe that when you do, you'll feel so much better on so many levels, and an emotionally healthy, emotionally available man will then be attracted to you. Most likely several of them. When you're at a good place in your head, it puts out a "radar" to the good guys who pick up on it and see that you're emotionally healthy and emotionally available. After all, a good catch wants someone who will be good for him as well.

Go out to dinner with a friend tonight, and buy yourself some flowers. I always buy myself flowers when I'm going through a break up...it makes me feel special and cheers me up every time I look at them. :)

TY for (next to that of a good therapist), the advice I've really been needing. My family is just about tapped out on the subject! :rolleyes:

Thanks so much, blondie--makes great sense.

Every day I sort through this whole thing (by myself or with other people), I recognize more and more that even if Larry had been serious about me and wanted to have a regular, real relationship, it never could have worked. He is just too callous. What kind of person leaves a lover alone so much? Sometimes he would say it was because we "weren't getting along." Nevermind that he caused the problems that I had no choice but to object to! But the punishment was always very severe: cross me, lady, and you are nothing, nobody til I get horny again. I'm no psychologist but that seems just utterly sociopathic to me.

What a shame a man who is like this inside can feel so good to be close to physically. And cook well and have a smile sweeter than cherry pie. One time I had some avocado seeds on my dresser because I was going to grow them. And I remember Larry looking at them, picking them up in his hands like a child, a little boy.

Oh, well, enough--before I lose progress and lapse into tears again.