He ended it.

Hello all!

I apologize I haven't written for sometime now but a lot of things have been going on. First off, I had to have Open Heart surgery a little over a month ago. (I'm 22). Needless to say it was very shocking and everything happened so quick..it was pretty hard for me.
I had written awhile ago about my fiance (40) and I having problems. Well we put our problems aside during the whole preparing for surgery thing, but it did create a lot more stress in our lives.
So, I had the surgery and he was there. by my side the entire time. He spent almost every night in the hospital with me.
After I came home I was somewhat an emotional mess. I was confused, in a lot of pain and pretty depressed. My family had flown out here to help take care of me. I don't even know what happened..but him and I started fighting again. We were both on edge with our nerves. In our relationship (almost 2 years) it seems like we have had to face one huge stressful thing after the other.
So, I ended up going to see a psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago (joe's idea) to talk about the surgery and the affect it had on me. Well I ended up talking about my relationship for most of the hour. (My family could tell it was getting to me, and that I was under too much stress with everything). Well that night after my fiance got home I had told him everything I had talked about with the counsler, and that his opinion was we should do some pre-marital counseling (which is somethng we both had talked about before). So his response was "I just can't do this anymore, I love you but I just don't want anymore kids." He has two from his previous marriage. Franky (8) and Anna (5). His response totally threw me off guard. He had had these feelings before but we had talked it out. Well now he just KNOWS that he doesnt want anymore kids and thats final. So...iv been pretty heartbroken ever since. I mean, I spent the last 2 years building a life with him..planning our future and helping raise these 2 kids. He says that his life is stressful enough with the kids and his crazy ex. (whom I have a somewhat good relationship with).
So this was about 2 weeks ago and iv still been staying here, cleaning the house and helping take care of the kids. I'm moving into my new apartment on Sunday. I just love this man so much. I just wasn't ready for this! I mean..I just had fricken heart surgery! And I know this is something that he's not going to change his mind about. what pisses me off the most is that when we first started dating and had become getting closer..we had talked about marriage and kids. And I had said that this is what I wanted in life and was he sure he would want to do it all over again and his response was "ofcoarse! don't I deserve to have a normal, happy family"? "It would be different". And it was HIS idea to get engaged and me move in! I don't know..I'm just so heart broken. I can't even bring myself to pck. I don't want to end this, but I suppose I don't have a choice in the matter. And whats weird is..during our relationship I had issues with him about not giving me enough affection / attention. And now that he knows I am leaving..he's being all sweet all of the time and kisssing me al of the time. And it's not because he want to reconcile thingsm he is very clear on where he stands. He says that he just doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he already is. But it's hurting me more, because he's reminding me of the things I won't have anymore. That I won't have him anymore! He says that he doesn't want me to not be a part of his or the kids life...but how do you go from planning to marry someone...and everyday taking care of the kids..bathing them, feeding them, working on homework...to just being someone that comes by and says hi sometimes. I can't do that. My whole life is being ripped away from me it seems. I know that me getting my own place is a chance to start over and be on my own..but I don't want to! I love this man soo much. I would do anything for him.
I jyst had to vent. any thoughts are comments are appreciated.
Sorry for the long rant..I'm just so lost right now...

Holly,
I'm so sorry you're having to go through so much pain right now. Endings are so hard.

You poor thing! I think it was mean of him to suddenly change his idea about having kids and to destroy all your plans. That is very immature. Based on your mutual vision of the future, you were being a second mom to his kids. He sounds like a total flake to me, treating you and the kids so callously. Those poor children are really going to miss you. I can't advise you how to break it off, whether once and for all or gradually. Use your instinct.

You certainly deserve better. Take care of yourself!

That's terrible, I'm sorry.

Sounds kind of weird though...do you think the excuse of not wanting kids is just that...an excuse? Maybe he's scared of your health problems? Either way, it's pretty shallow of him. :(

I'm so sorry that you are having to go thru this..... I know how hard this is.. I've been there and it's not easy... It just happens you just need to trust inside your heart that with time this pain does go away... and you will move on... and you will find your true love.....

I do believe that its best that you do find this out now and respect him for being honest with you... because if it continued even longer it would get harder and harder to accept....

You will find love again and be strong!! We will all be here for you no matter what!

Well, well, well... Isn't that handy. So basically you were a live in nanny to his children, along with being his lover and fiance....and now this.
What a fine how do you do.
It sounds to me like we have a classic case of inadequecy here. His!
Sounds like he doesn't think he can live up to your expectations. You want it all....and you know what girl....you deserve it!!!

You sound like an incredibly loving, genuine, sincere, kind hearted person. People like you deserve a wonderful life. He's got some serious baggage baby! Not the kids and the ex-wife, but I mean emotional baggage.

I know this is HARD. I've been through it, but you are strong honey, you can handle this. Just because he wants you to stop having contact with his kids...after two years, those kids are going to be asking about you all the time. I'm sure they love you just as much as you love them. So let him hear just how much they miss you, let him hear that they are upset you're not there anymore.
Then you go out, you move to your own place....I'd suggest some girl roomates. I once went through what you're going through and I lived with five girls after my breakup and although getting enough bathroom time was hell, my lord did we have fun!!!

You sound like you have strong maternal instincts. There is nothing wrong with that. Most young women want kids, what the heck did he think was going to happen???!!! You deserve that, and it will happen. In the meantime, you might want to get a little dog. If you like dogs. I got the cuttest maltese/chihuahua puppy after a bad break up and honestly it's the best if you need a little distraction. Or maybe a cat, or a goldfish. Anything to be responsible for to cause some distraction.

It sounds like you had your hands full, that you were really busy in your life with him. So when you move out keep occupied. Stay busy, and don't spend too much time alone.

He will call you again. He'll have regret in his voice, he'll say he misses you, he'll say the kids miss you. He'll say he wants to know how you are doing, and that he wants to see you. Don't get sucked in by guilt. Say:
"I miss you too, I miss all the fun times we had together, .....and most of all I miss feeling like I had a future with you. My future never included a life without children. With everything else I'm flexible, I just can't comprimise on that"
and then don't....comprimise, with what you desire most in life.
;) Hang in there hon!

Love hurts.

Because it sounds like... with a lot going on... this has become a one-issue relationship: children/no (more) children. Or has it?

I may be idealistic, but I think there should be only one "deal breaker" in relationships and that is whether or not the two parties are capable of dealing with every and any issue in ways that preserve and grow the relationship.

Could be kids; could be who takes out the garbage. Now I realize those two examples are extreme -- but that's also what makes the example work. It's human nature to want to find a guilty party and a victim, but in relationship failures that's what ultimately fails: the relationship.

Not sure why I'm writing this, but you did say "any comments. Actually, I think it's important to moving on... to get past the idea that the only problem is that he won't have kids. That idealizes the relationship and makes it easier to be wistful and wishful and conclude everything was great except...

In moving on, you'll want to recognize that, what the real issue was.

I'm sorry that you have to go through all the emotional and physical stress at the same time. The only thing that makes me wonder though is that why would he say that he does'nt want any kids anymore? Especially with the person that he loves? I hope things will get better for you. All of us deserve happiness.

Talk about being kicked when you are down... I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I think he doesn't realize how lucky he was. I would like to tell you to forget him etc., that he is no good etc. HOWEVER, I know that you love him.

Take it from one who knows... the best way to get him back is to leave quickly and ACT LIKE you could care less. Then be real busy after you move.

The only way to get into the mood to do this, is to be angry rather than hurt. Get angry at all he put you through. Get angry of all you did for him. Get angry of how much you needed affection and he gave you on crumbs. Then get cold with him..

Trust me... a few weeks of this without backing down and he will be back. (But I think you are better off without him.) Hugs... and good luck. :)

Holly....sweetie....I'm SO sorry you are having to deal with all of this heartbreak and stress in your life right now. Please take time to breathe, and be with people who make you smile outside of your relationship.

Your surgery sounds like enough for someone to have to handle on it's own!...how is your recovery? Going well?

This is so hard to believe right now with the love for him and intense feelings of confusion over his decision that you have. You invested a good amount of time, love, energy and self sacrifice in this relationship, and now it is ending. I know how that feels...kinda like you're trying to climb out of a dark hole on a ladder, but can't see any light at the top yet. That's how I felt. The good news is that the light IS there...you just have a few more rungs to climb and you'll see it.

From my own experience, and countless others who agree, I can tell you that the best way to heal emotionally the quickest is to not try any intermediary relationship. You are SO right....how CAN you go from loving, spending every day with, sleeping with, sharing your soul with a man to a casual friendship? Answer: You can't. No one can....at least not for a while.

I suggest you decide with you mind (not your heart) to move out, and not have contact with your ex for several months afterward. That means tying up all the loose ends now before you move out (make sure you have all your personal belongings, no legal papers you need to sign off on or whatever). Next, focus on YOU !! Indulge in everything you can that makes you feel like the amazing woman you are ...get a manicure, a massage, take bubblebaths, do nights out with the girls, take a new class for fun, workout, buy a new dress (that you wear out to a club with the girls :D ), get a new hair style/color...ANYTHING to remind you that you are worth it, and YOU are enough without him. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh...or do like I did and rent comedies if you have to (seriously...I watched a show once that said psychologists have discovered that even faking a smile raises the *seratonin levels in your brain...*the depression-fighting brain chemical).

It will take some time, and at first you will feel like you are just going through the motions....but like that saying urges: "fake it til you make it."
You will make it. And one day you will realize that you went 12 hours without thinking about him and longing for him. Your tears will be dry, and you will feel whole again.

Holly....that time will come. But it will take much longer, and be more heart wrenching if you prolong the parting by staying in contact (email, phone, in person or whatever). My bf broke up with me and wanted to still "be friends". I told him that I couldn't do that (for the same reasons you mentioned), and that for me to heal, I needed a clean break. I also told him to please not contact me again unless he knew without a doubt that he wanted me back for the rest of his life, because if he truly respected me he wouldn't put me through heartbreak again. He replied, "Karen, you'll have to help me stay away because I still love you and I know I'll miss you when you're gone." Our counselor told him, "It is not Karen's responsibility to help you maintain no contact...that's yours."
(we agreed to go to a counselor for "closure counseling"....a good thing in our case).

Maybe after several months apart, you will be able to meet on a casual level or rekindle some sort of friendship. That will be even more possible once someone else comes into your life and loves you like you deserve to be loved (without any bait and switch tactics) because they will help you gain better perspective. But for now, I say that even as hard as it is, finish your packing, move out, and start to move on....one small step at a time You WILL get there.

Huge, empathetic hugs to you, Holly,
Karen

Well.....a lot has happened since I last posted about this whole situation. I have moved into my new apartment (about 2 1/2 weeks ago) and today is actually my first day back at work from being off for 2 months for my surgery.

First off i'd like to that everyone for their warm, and supportive responses...I apologize for not thanking everyone and updating this sooner, I have just been so busy with getting situated in my place and I actually don't have a computer at my house. (Thats actually the biggest reason I missed work..hahah)

So...Id have to say, I absolutley LOVE having my own apartment!! I definitely think it was the best thing for me. I am completely enjoying having my own space. Iv never really had that before.

Now, as to the situation with Joe and I..........I am honestley sooo confused.
It seems like almost to the minute that I got my own place, he is suddenly all about me again. Looking at me like he used to, wanting to spend time with me, hold me, telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me....etc. Yesterday, and a few times before that..I asked him what the hell changed? Why is he oing this to me? Giving me so many mixed messages? why wasn't I good enough to be like that too when I was there with him, living with him, helping him out with everything?? He is confused himself, but he says that when I was lliving with him, our lives revolved around his ex-wife and kids. He said I spent more time with his kids then he did (because she would always have me pick them up on her nights, when he was working) he said that he thinks we just moved to fast and that we lost track of our relationship and our lives had become so stressful, which I agree with..but he didn't help let me tell you.
So now he says that he realizes that what we have/had is special and he's so in love with me and that we would be stupid to throw this away. He still thyinks it was a good idea for me to have my own place for awhile and become more finicially independent, this I agree with as well.
But I brought up that the whole reason he wanted to break up was because he just didn't want anymore kids...now what has changed. He said that he thinks that because he is in so much debt right now with his house, that he couldn't fathim bringing in another child into the situation. (which I understand) but he realized that he needs to sell his house in the not to distant future and when he has cleaned up a lot of his stresses financially and spiritually, emotionally (the house does have a lot of "bad energy", he bought it with his ex-wife) that he would love to start a family with me. But he said that theres just things that both of us have to do on our own so we can grow together....
Does any of this make sense to any of you guys? I don't know..I love him..but I am just soooo confused right now. Should I stick this out with him and see where it goes? Or should I not trust him, as, he has changed his mind and hurt me before. I can say that I do like where we are at right now. I like having my own place, and I do like seeing him as well. Maybe we should just do what he says and take it "day by day".
Thanks for reading this lengthy post. Any thoughts, advice are appreciated.
Again, thank you all so far for your encouragement and support!!!!

Holly... welcome back!!!!

Congrats on your apartment and I'm glad things are going well with you!! As far as your OM... Sometimes you never know what you lost until you've lost it.... Maybe I would just take it slow... see where it goes but right now Keep your eyes open and don't go so fast... It may take you a while to trust him again... But see where it goes .. It may go no where it may get better but at least you will know... Sometimes people do move in to fast with each other... sometimes (expecially in age gaps) relationships tend to excel to fast and we sometimes at some point need to step back into real time....Enjoy your new apartment ... and see where life takes you

GOod LUck Make sure you keep us posted!

Does any of this make sense to any of you guys? I don't know..I love him..but I am just soooo confused right now. Should I stick this out with him and see where it goes? Or should I not trust him, as, he has changed his mind and hurt me before. I can say that I do like where we are at right now. I like having my own place, and I do like seeing him as well. Maybe we should just do what he says and take it "day by day

I can't help but wonder... in reading your description it sounds like you became (through circumstance) part of his life... and, perhaps, it is just as simple as what he's describing... in a sense, he'd been trying to "fit" you into his life and situation.

Your move has opened the door to a different approach that involves you and him building a new life together. I sorta like the fact that he thinks you moved too fast and lost track of the relationship. Instead of playing the "blame game" you both might take a hard look at how much you both contributed to getting busy living and coping and not paying attention to the relationship.

It works when you realize that it's not just about trusting him; it's also about trusting yourself. You have to trust each other to achieve things and you have to trust (accept) each other to fail! Ultimately it's less about achieving or failing... it's really about growing together.

My original post still stands. The only deal breaker here is whether or not you BOTH can grow a relationship that allows you to deal with all the issues.

I suspect one reason you like where you are is that you seem to be doing that.

Enjoy it, test it, try it... no, there are no guarantees... but he doesn't have total control over what happens -- you both just proved that. Perhaps somewhat unintentionally, you found a way to share the issues and to grow the relationship.

I'd keep doing that.