Odd not to fight?

I've been having a discussion with a bunch of my friends over at my blogging community (livejournal, for those interested). My boyfriend and I NEVER fight. And for some reason this seems to be the oddest thing ever to people. I've had people who don't know us throw reasons at us for this, including:

(1) You're in the Honeymoon phase and don't know each other well enough to have things to fight about. (Wrong: While we've "only" been together for about 10 months, we were friends for a year before that, and we spend most of our time together, so we do know each other very well...warts and all.)

(2) We must be bottling things up and it will all explode later. (Wrong: We communicate very well and always bring up anything that is bothering us -- usually those things aren't related to us as a couple.)

We honestly are very two easy-going people who agree on most everything and what we don't agree on we see as rather unimportant. We have an amazing amount of communication and are very open with each other.

So really -- is it that odd not to fight? Does anyone else not fight with their SO or know people who don't fight with their SO's? My parents never fought and still don't have 33+ years of marriage. So I'm used to this, but apparently others aren't.

~Crysania

I think what you need to do is redefine “fight”. Although fighting with your SO in many people’s minds is name calling and wanting to throw plates (yes an extreme example), “fighting” can also include more neutral seeming debates/ discussions. I’m sure you and your partner don’t agree on everything but it seems the two of you can resolve your issues in relaxed and civil ways. So as long as neither of you are bottling up large amounts of aggression or resentment, which could explode at any time, they why not just enjoy the fact that you have a copasetic relationship?

I guess I differentiate between discussions and fights. Fights involve anger. Discussions don't.

And even the "discussions" we've had can be counted on one hand (right now I can think of 2 and both happened in the first month or two of us being together) and lasted about 5 minutes each. I can't even consider them anywhere near a disagreement, much less a fight. In the 8 months since we haven't even had any such discussion.

We don't agree on anything, but what we disagree on is completely unimportant. Like he loves Steinbeck's novels (right? the one who wrote Grapes of Wrath or am I thinking of someone else?) and I can't stand it. Everything major and even minor we agree on. I suppose that's what others find odd.

No bottling up, no hanging onto resentment. There just isn't anything there.

~Crysania

Well then enjoy the good times ! (and your right I think most people would be envious)

Nope, we don't fight either, or even really discuss or debate.

It probably comes down to personality and compatibility. With us, we've both been in volatile relationships and neither of us like it, and we also agree on pretty much everything (so far) and are both really easygoing. There has been no reason to fight, and even if there was, we'd rather solve any issues by talking rather than getting angry.

This is a good thing because I cannot deal with anger or conflict at all. I turn into mush because of my screwed up past relationships.

BTW, how can you NOT like Steinbeck???? The Grapes of Wrath is my favourite novel. LOL. :)

This is a good thing because I cannot deal with anger or conflict at all. I turn into mush because of my screwed up past relationships.

I can be a bit like this too. My last relationship really screwed me up pretty bad. I can deal with small amounts of conflict if it's approached in a calm way but anything else turns me into mush. Luckily, my boyfriend hates conflict too (especially after a previous relationship where she yelled at him ALL the time). Any sort of discussion has been so minor and were never a "ok we need to talk about this" kind of thing -- just a momentary "hey that bothered me a bit" thing which was over just like that. Nice and simple!


BTW, how can you NOT like Steinbeck???? The Grapes of Wrath is my favourite novel. LOL.

LOL. My impression was it was about 545 pages of moving from Oklahoma to California. ;-) I was pretty bored. I guess I like books with a little more action. I loved Lord of the Flies and To Kill a Mockingbird. But Steinbeck? Nah...not my thing!

~Crysania

Luckily, my boyfriend hates conflict too (especially after a previous relationship where she yelled at him ALL the time).


LOL. My impression was it was about 545 pages of moving from Oklahoma to California. ;-) I was pretty bored. I guess I like books with a little more action. I loved Lord of the Flies and To Kill a Mockingbird. But Steinbeck? Nah...not my thing!

~Crysania

LOL. That's exactly the same with my BF and his ex!

About Steinbeck, I just love his writing....it doesn't matter what the characters are doing so much, as the WAY he writes about what they are doing.

You hit the nail on the head, when you said your parents never fought! Beautiful! You obviously learned how to get along with a significant other by observing the way they behaved, seeing that it worked for them and copying it. That is something to be envied. Your friends are right in thinking it's odd. It is definitely a rarity these days! You should pat yourself on the back. It sounds like you are doing something right, and that you are able to communicate effectively without getting frustrated. Arguments result from a breakdown in effective communication. Sounds like you sister, could teach your friends a thing or two!

consider yourself lucky.....very lucky.



:(

My OM and I don't fight. We have on occasion gotten annoyed, but that is about it. I came out of a marriage where fighting dirty was the norm. Lots of screaming and name calling. My OM don't play that game and certainly wouldn't tolorate it from me. I sometimes have a knee jerk reaction to lash out when I am really upset about something. He gently calms me down and we discuss the problem like two loving adults should. I like this new me a lot better! :)

We don't and would never "fight". We are both passive. We do talk about everything and are very open. We have on one occassion had an arguement. Life is too short to be angry. You have to put everything into perspective. There is a time and a place for arguements and disagreements. Choose your battles and fight fair in life. No one loves someone who likes to pick a fight.

-Nibbles

It is called constructive dialogue! :)

No one loves someone who likes to pick a fight.
-Nibbles

Nibbles, you know - I actually do know couple that LOVE to fight. Seriously, that's how they communicate. Me, I can't do it. But, my ex's did....one seemed to need to have some sort of drama and fighting was a way of getting it. The other would bottle some tiny inconsequential issue up an then one day out of the blue it would explode into a fight.

But yeah, I am so incredibly GLAD that he's not into fighting. I'm sure that at some point, we'll have an argument about something but I know that we will resolve it quickly and painlessly too.