Torn between my kids and my OM.

I have just come back from a few days away with my kids and my OM. My kids have now gone away with their dad and my OM has gone home, 200 miles away. I miss them all so much. I feel so alone. I really want to live with my OM but I think I'd lose my kids to their dad. My OM can't move to me as he has a business that he cannot relocate. Its 7 years before he retires. My kids are only 10 and 14. I can't live for 7 years like this, it'll drive me to despair. I want to be with him so much, we've already wasted too much time being apart and he's not getting any younger. I also dearly love my kids and dont want to turn their lives upside down. What a horrible dilemma to be in. Any answers here?

I'm not sure why you think choosing to move to be with your OM would mean you would lose your kids to their Dad... but you are correct that you need a solution.

The solution obviously needs to involve everyone it will affect... but I'd suggest you be cautious about getting caught in the trap of "kids first and only" thinking.

Obviously, kids are important... but they are also resilient and can learn to handle changes. In fact, one of our jobs as parents is to teach them to adapt.

I think it's also important to remember they are children and, as such, their involvement in our lives is ultimately their choice. In varying degress they grow up and go away. It's not uncommon for parents to make the mistake of putting hte children before the spouse... empty nest syndrome takes on a whole new meaning.

Time to take inventory. You may not be in such a horrible delimma. Look at what you have and figure out how to it all working. While I'm not making light of the situation, it could be a lot worse. Don't make it worse - start thinking about solutions.

how do you KNOW you'd lose your babies?

and while i agree with wally to an extent, i kinda take a side road lol

i think if two parents are MARRIED, then the children can learn to adapt.
in many cases, when the parents are divorced, the children can adapt.

but MY philosphy has been, these entire 3 years since i divorced the boys father.......i don't HAVE to have a man. i do however HAVE to be a good mother, since i was the one who decided to break up the only home they've ever known.

am i explaining that right?

it's like, dating has to take a back-burner to my babies. they're my babies for the whole of our lives. men will come and go.

by the same token, i don't have to STOP living, i just have to prioritize....no man is worth my children. but once the children are old enough......14 and up....certain things change. they're becoming their own people and delving off to adulthood.

heck, my boys may not even WANT to live with me when they're older. *shrugs*
but right now......they're much much younger than yours.

so heck, i may need to just hush, i realized when i typed that, my babies ARE much younger than yours.

so i ask again, how do you KNOW you'd lose em?

My kids live with me for half the week and with my ex husband half the week and we alternate weekends. He only lives four miles away. All his family live close by....my kids aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins etc. This is all they have ever known. My family live 140 miles south, my OM lives 200 miles north and I'm stuck in the middle...on my own. My ex's family turned against me when we divorced, so really I have no one here other than my kids. I am pretty sure they wouldn't want to move north to somewhere they don't know and leave their family behind. I really feel like the outcast and it makes me so unhappy. If I had no kids to think about I would just up and leave without a care.

lady, that sounds KINDA like the arrangement my ex and i have.

the ex is a salesman with really funky days home, he quit being a police officer to work for smith n wesson, and so our visitation is NOTHING like the divorce decree....we even it out but it's really spastic, lol. only WE know exactly what's going on. and my ex lives MAYBE a mile away, i'd say less. he moved into a house in the same subdivision in case my MS slapped me in the head, too bad he wasn't that kind while married to me, hu? lol

and my family, pfft, when my mom died, i guess they thought i died too? i rarely see them. they didn't understand why i didn't sit with the family at my gramma's funeral last week. well, i'm not a member of that family anymore. they haven't once invited me to squat since mama died.

10 living children
86 grand children
22 greats
10 great great
1 great great great

( i keep having to do the math on this, forgive me for changing the numbers, trying to remember EXACTLY what was read at her funeral )
not a single phone call to invite my boys and me to a single family get together....in almost 6 years now. boo on them lol their loss ;)

so my boys don't really know them, as my oldest was a year old when mama passed. my ex's family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) this house we live in, THAT'S what they know.

i want so badly to move to New England but ......here i am. the buckle of the bible belt north miss'ippi. lol
and here i'll stay. til my boys are old enough. THEN i may go, who knows.

i totally relate to your situation.

but is your situation what makes you think that you'd lose your children if you moved? how far away would you move? could another custody agreement not be worked out? is your ex a booty head that won't bend?

So sorry to hear of your situation greeneyedgirl. It sounds much worse than mine. I am ok with my immediate family...my mum. my dad and my grandmother...I have no brothers or sisters, and have very little to do with my aunts, uncles or cousins. Just get together for weddings and funerals kinda thing. But my ex's family are really close always throwing big family parties which my kids go to and I obviously am never invited to, and wouldnt want to go anyway, as cannot stand the family. My ex is a power freak, just wanted me to be the little woman tied to the kitchen and because I rebelled is why it didnt work. I left and set up on my own with a settlement from him and have survived five years on my own. His family and him thought I'd crumble but thankfully I havent. Then last year I made contact with an old flame from 20 years ago, the man I should have married and had kids with, but didnt because the age gap thing was frowned upon, I was 18, he was 36, so we went our seperate ways. He had a rotten marriage and so did I. Now at 40 and 58, we are back together and I really want to be with him for as much time as remains...20 years he's promised, but who knows? He is a 3 hour drive away, I can't see my kids wanting to do that every weekend to see their dad. I know where they will want to stay and thats where their family is.

He is a 3 hour drive away, I can't see my kids wanting to do that every weekend to see their dad. I know where they will want to stay and thats where their family is.

Hmm, it's hard for me to offer much advice except to consider the fact that the kids just might actually enjoy that drive every weekend.

I know that it's a bit different in the UK compared to here, with gas prices higher etc, but really 3 hours doesn't seem like much at all to me. This could be good bonding time - a mini road trip where you and the kids can spend some quality time together. In our busy lives, it's rare to get that kind of opportunity. I know someone who drives 3 hours with her kids every day. She and the kids love the commute because it gives them a chance to talk and connect.

Just an idea. How do the kids like your OM? They seem to be old enough, at least the 14 year old, to talk to them about this. I'd think about asking them what they think about moving and maybe ask the older one if they can think of solutions to the problem, and see what they think would be best. Mind you, I'm not a parent, so I could be out to lunch here, LOL! And I guess it depends on the kids too ;)