He is 63 and I'm 24...

Im not sure where to start this but I have posted a thread in here a long time ago when I first met him for advice. Anyway, this is just a follow-up sort of. We just turned 5 months yesterday..things are doing good between us..some ups and downs but relationship is good so far. My dilemma is this; I came from a conservative and well to do family and is against my relationship with this guy. Since I'm an only child..I'm a little spoiled, I have a child of my own and both of us are living in my family's house. All my needs have been taken cared of and now that I am with him, my mom has given me some bills to pay on my own which I had'nt done when I wasn't with that guy. My boyfriend is just a regular joe.He used to have blue-collared jobs before he retired. One of the reason why my mother look down on him. He has his house, car, paid for and some money in the bank but I know he can't provide for all mine and my child's needs if ever I marry him. I look at him like any normal guy..he is good-looking and he is really good to me. To add to that he has like a biker, bad-boy image. I think that is the reason why I was attracted to him. Since I met him at work, I can't disclose his identity to my coworkers yet. And honestly speaking, I am also concerned about what they will say about his age and prejudge our relationship like my parents does right now. I love him but the pressure in this relationship is just too much to handle sometimes. Please help..I don't want to hurt him.

I think much of the problem is that you have not yet learned to survive in the world as an adult....which means paying bills, carrying your weight in a relationship, and working if necessary. I'm not saying this is all your fault; your parents have obviously fostered your dependence on them, probably because they like your company and enjoy a certain amount of control over you. But you are now 24 with adult responsibiliites such as a child and a partner. It is in your interest to strive for independence; it will give you the freedom to make your own decisions, confidence, and control over your own life. And it has to happen sometime.

I guess I can relate because my parents are extremely rich, and they were inclined to do everything for us instead of teaching us to survive on our own. I'm 36 and Mum would love it if I still lived at home! Luckily I managed to get out of there when I was 17. I didn't know how to do laundry....but I survived:)

Two of my sisters didn't leave home, however. They were afraid of independence, and they were waiting around for a guy who would provide for all their needs, like a parent.

The main problem with this is the days of easily finding a `meal ticket' are largely gone. Its a big strain on a guy to carry a woman's weight nowadays, and most men can see the wisdom in encouraging their partner's indepenence, for her sake.

Both of my sisters held out for `meal tickets' and one eventually found a `nice' one. Three years into the marriage She and he husband fight all the time over her laziness. She won't work, she can't keep the house tidy, and she is too passive a parent. Their relationship problems have esculated to a kind of war now, where they won't even speak to each other at family functions.

Just last year, he finally convinced her (at 35 years of age) to get a job. He's really burned out in his social work job (you can see how thin and strained hes become), and he badly needs some time out from the work force. He wants to work part time and try to start a new business, but without a wife willing to work, this is not an option for him. When he finally got her to see his point of view, she stopped using the pill and got pregnant instead `accidently', after agreeing to no more children. He promptly got a vascectomy.

Its really horrible to watch the way she avoids growing up and helping her husband. Hes a nice guy, and a great parent. I feel that her games, and her attitude is destroying her husband's spirit. He knows what he needs to be happy, and she is robbing him of the opportunity to make the necessary life change. All because she doesn't want to be an adult. Everyone doubts that this marriage will last.

My other sister who was also holding out for her `meal ticket' finally found one.....so she thought. He winded up being an abusive control freak, and she got stuck with him for 8 years because she had no money or power to leave.

So I guess from my own persepctive and experience, I recommend getting out there and learning some independence. Start by working out a way to move in with your partner, and contribute financially.

Anyhow, just my 2cents...

Thank you Bella, I totally understand what you were saying. I actually moved out of my Dad's house when I was in the university. My mom who is well to do and is married is the one who actually spoiled me and mainly my son when I got here. I never paid bills although I offered when I started working. I'm paying my son's daycare and I am a hard worker. My boyfriend asked me to move in with him but I refused. I told him that I wanted to move out on my own and grow as a person. I really don't want to hurt him but my mom and I fought almost everyday because of my situation with him. I am also aware that he won't be able to give me all the things that I'm accustomed to here in our house. My mom actually asked me to go out all the time on bars, etc. . She used to be very strict to me to the point that I can't even have lunch with my coworkers on a weekend. But now she wanted me to go out and find another guy to go out just to get rid of my OM. I don't know how to break it to him. He loved me so much and I don't want to hurt him.

I think I can relate, especially to the part about getting out on your own. You poor thing...you've been totally controlled in many ways and you must crave a bit of freedom. Your mom sounds like mine; when I lived at home, and even when I visited right through my twenties, she was very strict too in so many ways.

Are you saying that you want to break it off with your bf? If so, thats must be hard . I hope it goes well for you.

I think much of the problem is that you have not yet learned to survive in the world as an adult....which means paying bills, carrying your weight in a relationship, and working if necessary.....It is in your interest to strive for independence; it will give you the freedom to make your own decisions, confidence, and control over your own life. And it has to happen sometime.

I absolutely agree with Bella_D on this....

I wouldn't "break it to him" at all. If you love him, then be with him. You need to tell your mom that it is your life, and not hers, to live. You are 24 years old; old enough to have a child, a college education and a responsible position in a professional occupation. That doesn't necessarily mean you have all of those things, but you are certainly old enough to at 24. Therefore, if your OM treats you well, and you love him deep down in your heart, then you are old enough to make your own choice and pursue your happiness independent of your mom. She is being a hypocrite by telling you to go to bars after she was so strict with you before.

39 years apart? Wow, a 17 year gap is nothing compared to that.