I know this sounds silly, but...

I really need to talk to someone about this...

I'm 45, my OM is 59...we're planning on getting married. In all the years I have walked this earth, I have never loved like I love him.

Ok, that's the good part, and we've had and will continue to have a wonderful life.

Here's what scares me though...I know I'm projecting, but in a way I don't think I'm unrealistically projecting...

Ok, with me being 45, I've generally lived half of my life so far. I feel like in some ways my life has been so empty till I found him...that's all fine. What scares me is that with him being almost 60, how much longer will he be here...20 years? More? Less? At 45, I know how fast time flies...I know that 20 +/- years can be just a blink of an eye.

I think about alot of things like...

When he's 80, I'll be 64...whatever I may have to do to take care of him is fine by me, I love him. Will he still want to make love at 80? (lol, I know, I'm nuts, I think and/or worry about the craziest things lol). What would I do if something happened to him (I can't even barely think about that, I feel like I've looked for him for so many years and finally found him that I'm terrified to lose him)...

On and on and on...nothing but irrational fears, but in a way, there is some validity to them. It's not like I'm 20 and he's 34 and can reasonably assume that we have tons of years ahead. Perhaps it is what it is. Perhaps I need to stop worrying about alot of this stuff and just enjoy the moments, for as long as we have them. I can't go back in time and meet him years ago, that time is passed. I guess I hafta accept that I have him today, and that's all that matters, and trust that God has all that I need in store for my tomorrows.

As I've typed this out, I've kinda calmed down...I really was near tears when I first started. I probably don't need to even post this, other than the fact that I have an insatiable curiosity to see if there's a perspective someone might offer that I haven't thought of.

So, with all that said, are there any other relationships with OM that can understand my crazy thought process?


Shad.

Today my OM and I went to our lawyer where he drew up his new will. He is 62 and I am 40. There was lots of talk of what ifs and all that. We have talked about it. Like, he doesn’t want me taking care of him and wasting my life with some old man. I have told him he can’t take that choice away from me.

I know realistically we have a good 10 to 20 years left. That’s not near enough, but I wouldn’t give him up for anything or anyone. Our love is unlike anything I have ever had and I plan to treasure every day with my Love and let the future take care of itself. :)

You of course have to look into your heart and do what is right for you.

shadddup and Pita....first let me say that you two ladies are so radiant in your pictures...beautiful women for sure, you're men are lucky guys :)

I'm 49, from the other side of the board, and I found your posts (concerns, etc.) to be fascinating. It was kind of a glimpse into the mind of my ym. I'm the one that worries about getting old on him (well not ON him....okay, maybe ON him :D ). Our age gap is close to Pita's with her guy. As women we tend to live longer than men in America, so that closes the gap a bit...but I still think about it.

I plan to treasure every day with my Love and let the future take care of itself.

Pita, I think that is a beautiful, true sentiment. I know that 's what my ym says to me -in his own words- all the time. To love with a full heart, and be grateful for the time you've been given is what it's all about I think.

My OM and I have talked about this, too--although in my case perhaps it is a bit premature, since I'm 23 and he's 41, but he always tells me the one thing he's afraid of is the prospect of leaving me alone someday.

My reply, every time, is that we have no idea what's actually going to happen. Yes, he's older, and yes, my projected natural lifespan is longer... but, like I tell him, I could just as easily get hit by a bus tomorrow, or any other number of circumstances could result in HIS outliving ME. Life is a gamble. And then we agree not to dwell on it. We're in love and we're happy *today,* and there's nothing to be done about that but enjoy it as much as we can.

That being said, I commend you, and everyone who approaches these things honestly, for being realistic. I'll admit that sometimes when these thoughts cross my mind, it scares me, too... but that's just because I've found a man who is so good to me, and with whom I am so deeply in love, that I can hardly fathom a life without him. I can't imagine there being another person on this earth who works with me as well as he does, or who could make me as happy. It's not something I ever want to face, but I know the chance is there, every day, that one of us might have to live without the other. I guess I just choose to be thankful for what we have. And, in a way, thankful for the tenuous nature of life... keeping it in mind is a very good way not to take your blessings for granted.

An OM perspective? I may be one, but I'm not sure I can give one because I'm not sure my perspective is based on being the "older." I do know that the issues of "not enough time" exist on both sides of our relationship. There's never going to enough time to enjoy each other for either of us.

But life doesn't come with very many guarantees, either. So our fears as the older partner are not much different, really. Yes, statistically we are more likely to become incapacitated or more. But statistics are also not very reassuring... so why let them bother us? Why turn to them for reassurance?

One of the greater things about the reality of age gaps is that it forces us to think - and hopefuly to talk - about how we are going to share and how we are going to face certain things. Younger couples don't need to have the "who goes first and then what" conversation. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't have it.

I know Loripop doesn't post much, but I had a PM from her today and spent a few minutes staring at her signature: "We can't even separate ourselves from it." I don't think she'll mind me explaining it. One of the deals we have is simply that we are going to love each other so hard that we can't separate ourselves from the love and each other. We can't make each other "not love" and we can't even make ourselves "not love."

That's how we face all the changes together.

This subject crosses my mind quite often lately; it's probably due to hormones though. I'm meaner to my OM about eating habits and exercise b/c I know he'll go before me and I don't want to think to myself,'If I only encouraged him to exercise more.. or this.. or that.." as if I could have added a few years to him. I've found that I have a slight "panic" reaction now that I'm prego when it comes to preserving his life. I don't even want him to fly or drive at night!
All in all I have to believe that it is only natural for us YW to be concerned about this. Alot of us are facing early grief with many years of our own lives to live. It's a little nerve wracking.

Shad, you're definately not alone with your feelings, as you can see by the replies.

I have the same concerns too and think about it fairly often. I get overwhelmed by sadness at times and honestly try NOT to think about it because, as we all know, we could each go at any time. It seems so unfair sometimes that we are such a great match but have missed out on so much time together.

And sometimes I do start to worry about 30 years down the road, when and if I end up taking care of him. I wonder if the age gap then will suddenly seem too large, and I worry that I might not be able to handle it, or he might not.

Like others though, the only way I've been able to deal with my concerns is to take a deep breath and recognize that this is the best relationship I've been in, and I need to enjoy each and every day I have in it. Fate, God, destiny or whatever will sort out the rest.

specialK - thanks for the compliment...I was pretty well *lit* when that pic was taken but it's the only one I had on this new computer lol... 0:)

And thank you to the rest that took the time to reply...it always helps to not feel alone in concerns and sometimes just talking about it helps one to feel a little better...

As wallypop pointed out, being that I'm a little older myself, I've pretty much done all I have wanted to do or felt the need to do...so in a wierd way, I'm ready and able to settle down and to accept the responsibilities that will be coming down the line in the years ahead by getting into a relationship with someone older than me. It's a different kind of caretaking from being much younger and taking on a marriage and having children...but it's all ok...


Shad.

I worry about this a lot. I just lost both of my parents in the span of five months - I'm 18, and other than my sister, who's 31, and my OM, who's 53, I really don't have a whole lot of close family/friends. I've informed both of them (only half-jokingly) they're not allowed to die anytime soon, because I need at least 10 years to recover before anymore of my favorite people die. But it scares me, because he is in really good shape but has a blood disorder that could throw him into serious problems really quickly with very little warning. Other than that, he is in amazing health. I, on the other hand, am fit and have age on my side but have a lot of health problems. I know I have a few decades at least shaved off my life and I may end up in a wheelchair by the time I'm 30 - at which point he'll be 65. When I am his age he will be 88. I don't worry so much about taking care of him, but I have become more and more irrational in terms of worrying about his death. I caught myself in an insomniac mode the other night laying with him freaking out that if I fell asleep I'd wake up and he might be dead. Or when he goes to the doctor I hold my breath waiting for a call saying he's had to go to the hospital. I usually handle death very well, but having to face so much of it so close and so quickly has thrown me off - I've become really irrationally scared, and not just about him. I can definitely understand irrational fear about death. Usually I try to remember that even if he dies before me, the time we have together is more than worth it. I know I would probably go insane with grief and miss him terribly, but I hope that eventually I would be able to spend more time focusing on the good of the times we had together rather than the feelings of loss.

charis ~

It seems you have a good view on what's really going on with you...comprehending the reasons you're dealing with certain feelings, yet still having to process through them.

For me, when I have been faced with major losses in life, it's a time thang. I don't think that any one person can say the magic word and make all our worries disappear, but my experience has been that those around me, whether they realize it or not, many times are a support system till time helps subside the pain of those losses.

Hang in there and cherish the memories you have...I'm a firm believer that the one thing that nobody can ever take away from you is a good memory.

My hope and prayer is that your heart will balance out and that in time, you'll be able to embrace the *todays* and weight of the *yesterdays* will diminish.


Shad.

As the others said there are no guarantees in life.

My former friend 22, her husband 33, were married just 9 months whe SHE died!!! She died so young, and so unexpectedly, by her own hands! But this is reality! With life comes disease, accidents, etc....and there is no age restriction!!

Enjoy what is good and true in your life now! As if you worry about might what happen LATER you won't be able to fully enjoy you OM now!!

As the others said there are no guarantees in life.

My former friend 22, her husband 33, were married just 9 months whe SHE died!!! She died so young, and so unexpectedly, by her own hands! But this is reality! With life comes disease, accidents, etc....and there is no age restriction!!

Enjoy what is good and true in your life now! As if you worry about might what happen LATER you won't be able to fully enjoy you OM now!!

Suicide, eh?

myztikt ~

Thank you for sharing what you did...yes, it certainly helps to read how others process similar circumstances.

Best of luck to you and your genius.


Shad.

Suicide, eh?

Yes! Sadly, this 22 year old lived a hard life. She was an Italian gal who was raised to be a woman. She was expected to cook, clean, and stay home and be a "good girl." She did just that for as long as I knew her (14 years). Her life dream was to become a cop, but was told she should become a beautican as that's a more suitable career for a woman. So she did. At 21 she became engaged, and later became pregnant. Sex before marriage is a BIG taboo in her culture. She was inslulted and harassed by her family. For her "behavior" she was not held a baby or wedding shower. She fell depressed and suicidal. She had her baby and got married, but she could still not break free from the control her family had over her. She decided in December of 2004 to kill herself. :(

I don't know why I shared this story, guess I'm still mourning her loss. She was my neighbor and friend.

Hope I didn't kill the thread...continue on guys!!

She fell depressed and suicidal. She had her baby and got married, but she could still not break free from the control her family had over her. She decided in December of 2004 to kill herself. :(


Perhaps, I am too sensitive to the pain of others, but you have my complete sympathy.