What a mess

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am a 39 yo male who has been in a serious relationship for the best part of 23 years. My partner (we never married and have no children) I'll call her 'L' is a kind, gentle woman of the same age as me who I guess many would call 'long suferring'. You see, in that 23 years I have had numerous other short and long term relationships with other women. In many cases L has found out, in others I have confessed; but in every case I actively sought the relationship. I hope forum members will resist the natural temptation to write me off as a cruel womaniser because I honestly believe that there is more to it than that.

Four weeks ago, a 22yo work colleague 'D', who I had little if any attraction to, told me that she had a major crush on me. Stupidly I was flattered and in the weeks which followed we have established a passionate sexual relationship. There is even talk of love on my part because being with someone who so obviously adores me is absolutely intoxicating.

Over the last ten years my relationship with L had virtually become non-sexual bt I still love her in a way that makes it impossible to hurt her. She is a genuinely wonderful person and I would miss her teribly if I had to leave. I told L about D and (as usual) she was very understanding. But I think time has taken it's toll on the resilience of us both in these situations and I know I have to make a decision right now. D knows about L but beleives that the relationship is totally over and has been for some time. It is also relevant that D lives with her parents still.

Common-sense tells me that if I were to leave L and have a proper relationship with D then within months she would find a guy closer to her own age. I would have lost L and be deservedly alone by the time I am 40. But what if that isn't the case? What if D and I could actualy work out? I feel I've learned so much from my life and my relationship with L that I could be a great boyfriend to D and we could be so happy. I guess it's almost like I want a clean slate upon which to draw the perfect relationship and D provides me with that. There's so much water under the bridge with L that, although we are incredibly close emotionaly (perhaps too close), we could never be a fully functional couple again.

I consider myself to be a very loving, fairly intelligent and kind man but I know my behaviour at the moment is anything but. Can anyone lend a hand?

You sound like you get bored too fast........What will happen if after you are with D another woman comes and finds you fascinating again? That obviously adores you and you become absolutely intoxicated?

What is it that makes you have so many affairs?

Think deep, think hard but with the right head!

I feel sorry for L, I can't understand women that put up with their men having affairs after affairs. In my eyes after the first one, you should have been kicked out the door. After so many years with her and you never committed (married) to her. She deserves better!

I am not trying to be harsh on you, just trying to give you a reality check, that is all.

Good luck to you...

PS You say "I consider myself to be a very loving, fairly intelligent and kind man but I know my behaviour at the moment is anything but." Really? Your behavior is not just at the moment but it seems more like you have had the same behavior for the last 23 years. Think about it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Common-sense tells me that if I were to leave L and have a proper relationship with D then within months she would find a guy closer to her own age. I would have lost L and be deservedly alone by the time I am 40. But what if that isn't the case? What if D and I could actualy work out? I feel I've learned so much from my life and my relationship with L that I could be a great boyfriend to D and we could be so happy. I guess it's almost like I want a clean slate upon which to draw the perfect relationship and D provides me with that. There's so much water under the bridge with L that, although we are incredibly close emotionaly (perhaps too close), we could never be a fully functional couple again.


There are a lot of very interesting things about this situation... including the fact that you and L never married... I'll bet I could list at least a dozen "possible" conclusions... not to mention judgements.

One thing that's striking is that you are somewhat concerned about finding yourself alone and partnerless. That's a very real and rational fear, but it should not drive relationship decisions unless you conciously want it to. Life is about risk and reward.

Another thing that bears offering is that it's important to determine the criteria one is going to use for selecting a partner. It's certainly tempting to speculate that you haven't done that -- thus the many relationships. I'm intrigued by your phrase "fully functional couple." What is a fully functional couple? Without knowing the answer to that question it's tough to ask the others.

People do grow and change... and it's possible that you are discovering a point in your life where your wants and needs are becoming clearer to you. Unfortuately there are no slate erases. But you can decide not to let the past determine the furture. Do not let it escape you that you can make that decision with either D or L.

The biggest caution is to proceed with caution. A four week passionate sexual relationship with a 22 year old who lives with her parents is that. Maybe you need to get out of her bed and into her head?

D gets around apparently. :p

Well, this really hits home for me...so take what I say with an understanding that I still retain alot of hurt from my own experience. I'm sorry if I sound harsh or judgemental. I was with someone who did to me what you have been doing with L for 7 years.

Now, looking back, I think it is NOT love that holds you to her, it is your selfish fear of being alone. You want that stability and that love to come back to, but you also can't resist other women. If it were truly love, you would not repeatedly treat her like this. L puts up with your cheating because she loves you....if you really love her, you'd let her go so she could find a man who truly deserves her love. You say that you "still love her in a way that makes it impossible to hurt her" - well, that is exactly what you ARE doing to her. You would be helping her by letting her go.

Yes, you may be coming to realize what you are doing, and have done now. But maybe you should spend some time on your own instead of jumping into a new relationship with a young woman. Oh, and I also hope you've told D about your past. She deserves to know what she is getting herself into if you do decide to pursue a relationship with her.

From what you say about D, it sounds like you're only going to hurt her as well. You mention that you have little or no attraction to her, but were flattered by her attention, and now you feel like you love her because her adoration is intoxicating?! :eek: Get over yourself already.

Woodsy

Loving and kind men DO NOT cheat on their significant others, it happens but you don't get to call yourself loving or kind with that type of behaviour.

If you really want to change you can, but it would probably be easier on your own, then in a relationship, especially given the fact that its relationships your having trouble with.

Woodsy,

Loving and kind men DO NOT cheat on their significant others, it happens but you don't get to call yourself loving or kind with that type of behaviour.

If you really want to change you can, but it would probably be easier on your own, then in a relationship, especially given the fact that its relationships your having trouble with.


So true, Northern Dave...good insights from the others as well.

I think that your cycle/habit of cheating could have something to do with you being together since you were 16? Not that THAT absolves you for those choices in any way, but instead of experiencing other women as a single man in your late teens/early 20's, you stayed in the safe/familiar acceptance environment with L and experienced other women while you were attached. :( That has to be worked through so you don't repeat the pattern either with L or anyone else in the future.

You are probably co-dependent rather than in love with L....she has accepted your cheating and diminished her sense of self for years, and you have wanted the coziness of attatchment, but with your own rules.

I agree with those above who urge you for L's sake at least, to be single (with neither D or L) for a while....seek counseling and explore your committment issues before you drag them into you next relationship. My exhb of 22 years jumped right into marriage within a few months of our divorce...recently his new wife emailed me regarding our children, but slipped in a couple of comments that point to the fact that he is exactly the way he was with me. You have to figure yourself out and fix YOUR stuff on your own before jumping in somewhere else.

Make decisions based on what's best for all involved in the end.