OM & financial support

Hey everyone,
I'm so glad I found this site. I am 27, dating a 53 yr. man (never thought I'd be saying that!!) He is definitely in love and I probably would be too if I stopped fighting it so hard. We hit it off and were automatic friends when we met a year ago. I've never been in a healthy relationship until now... he is very sweet & respectful towards me.
Just curious... Have any of you found that your age gap relationship brings issues of being on different social/economic scales? I am a single mother, working & going to college and barely making ends meet (financially as well as emotionally). He is an established businessperson with a successful career. He is very down-to-earth and not exactly wealthy. However, compared to me he seems pretty rich. I have never asked him for anything (I am very stubborn and independent), but sometimes he helps me with bills and stuff like that.
It's becoming easier to accept his help b/c I am sick of struggling. And I think he does it out of the goodness of his heart. He is very generous and a little old-fashioned as far as wanting to "take care" of his gf. On the other hand, it makes me feel like crap. I am already very depressed about raising my children in poverty and his help reminds me of what a loser I really am. It also makes me feel a little like a kid instead of a strong, independent woman. Not to mention worrying that people will think I am a ***** (after going from junk car to nicer car, etc.).
Do you think I should refuse to accept anything from him? I feel like the issue is putting a strain on our relationship. Or am I creating a problem out of something that shouldn't be???
Has this been an issue for any of you? How did you feel and what did you do??
Thanks,
Maggiemama

MaggieMama
Like you I am also 27...however neither do I have a child to support or the OM anymore...but one thing I do know is a little how you feel in regards to struggling with money and the big question surrounding financial support. I, like you want to be that strong independent successful woman. I have been dependent upon many people so far in my life and thus have become tired of it. If I were you...do yourself a favor and the first thing is....make it absolutely clear....and sure that your OM knows and is aware of your desire to be self-sustaining...that regardless...money is and will not be an issue with you....that if he so desires to share it with you or do things for you...it is thus a gift...with no strings attached...and with no expectations to return the favor. You won't feel like you'll owe him anything. You should not feel guilty about him wanting to share or help you in your situation. He simply may be feeling like he is doing the right thing by you and I would let him. You know though you don't want to take advantage of it or come to expect it. Money is and has always been one of the biggest reasons relationships fall apart or never work out. You just keep learning how and finding reasons to become your own person...and to take care of your child...that is most important....everything else will follow. I understand how embarrassing it can be to struggle....to be on food stamps...to ask friends to borrow money.... but I have to say there's nothing like it.....the experiences we go though to make us stronger. Have your older man help you out in ways that doesn't require finanical support...and then you take that opportunity to seek out avenues that will help you to better stand on your feet. There are many resources out there for individuals like you and me...thus even more for you because you have a child.
You can do it...... and I wish you the best of luck....with your journey...and with your older man....*smile*

Maggie, I can relate. I'm recovering from financial problems from my ex, and I am, and always have been fiercely independent. Sometimes, I feel like I just can't handle the financial and emotional stress of it all. And yes, my OM is in a MUCH better financial situation. I don't have children though, so I imagine this makes it harder for you to refuse his assistance because you want the best for your child.

I don't take assistance from him, although I do accept his small gifts and he does pay for our meals more often than not when we are out together. He knows how I feel about being independent and needing to sort out my problems on my own so there's never been an issue.

Do you have a plan and are you actively moving towards getting yourself in a better situation? It sounds like you are, if you are going to college, so I'm guessing that you will get a better paying job eventually and things will improve for you. For you own mental wellbeing, I'd recommend trying to stay as independent as you can for now and just hang in there - you'll get through it.

Maybe have a talk with him about how it makes you feel uncomfortable although you love the kindness of his gestures and how he wants to help? Like the other poster said, maybe you can come to some agreement on how he can help you out while still ensuring that you don't feel like it's too much.

My grilfriend is 21 with two small children (not mine) but not many practical skills. I know when I ask her to move in with me it is virtually certain I will be her sole means of support. I have never had that kind of responsibilty before.

Once again we are dealing with stereotypes. You're young, he's "old enough to be your father". You're poor, he's rich and you're worried people will see you as a "gold digger".

From your post, it sounds like he's a genuine, nice guy who treats you with respect and cares alot about you. Although he gives you things and helps you with bills and stuff, it doesn't sound to me like he's trying to "buy your love". You describe him as an "old fashioned" guy, which is a rare find these days.

You say you "feel like crap" when he helps you, and that you "feel like a loser". I think a part of the problem is your own self assessment at age 27. When I was 27 I was still working an entry level job and didn't make enough to move out of my parents' house, yet I would see others my age who owned houses and had families. It was degrading! I felt like a loser with or without someone else's financial help. So I can relate! Don't confuse your own self assessment with your feelings about your bf helping you. Maybe now you can focus on fulfilling your dreams.

You shouldn't feel like a loser. Partners want to take care of eachother. If you stay together, there might be a time when you will be taking care of him. It should make you happy rather than making you feel like a loser. My girlfriend is younger than me, and she does very well for herself, but because of that, her finacial aid package for grad school wasn't as good as it could have been. So I help her out. It makes both of us more comfortable. I'd rather spend time with her while she's not under the stress of poverty.

Accept it :)

You said he loves you and you care about him too, so you're not using him he's your partner and he wants what is best for you. Things don't have to be 50 / 50 I am still in college so my OM pays for all our dinners, movies, day trips etc. If someone cares about u it's their choice to treat u.

Thanks to everyone for the replies. It is so nice to have a place to talk freely about this person who means so much to me.
It is true that the financial support is especially tempting b/c it would give me more time with my children. But I don't want to turn into a spoiled rotten brat. That just doesn't suit me. I guess there is a fine line between independence and stubborness. I know he just wants to make things easier. He says that he can remember what it was like starting out, etc.
He is so genuine b/c he loves me as I am - standing in line with my food stamps with one child in the cart and one begging for money from the toy machines!
I think the person who commented on my negative sense of self worth hit the nail on the head. I said something about feeling "like a loser" which kind of reveals that my lagging self-esteem has nothing to do with this man's help - it's really an inner issue with myself.
Well, you've given me food for thought.
Thanks!
Maggiemama

My OM is totally supporting me and my teenage daughter. I joke with him that I'm just what his mother warned him about; a money hungry gold-digger. :D

I feel a great responsiblity to make my OM happy and if that means letting him take care of me and send me to school so I can get a real job then that is what I will do. Yes, I still have pangs of guilt that I brought so little in the ways of finances into our relationship, but he tells me everyday all I have given him. So, that helps ease the guilt and I do know someday I will be making a real contribution to us.

Do you have a plan and are you actively moving towards getting yourself in a better situation? It sounds like you are, if you are going to college, so I'm guessing that you will get a better paying job eventually and things will improve for you. For you own mental wellbeing, I'd recommend trying to stay as independent as you can for now and just hang in there - you'll get through it.

I agree with Cabin and Curious on this point. Especially since I'm a little concerned that you said you KNOW he loves you, but you aren't so sure about being in love with him. His generosity sure shows he's in love...but I'm not so sure that accepting it in terms of money or financial "help" will honor that love. It may end up making you feel obligated, resentful or guilty in the future if your love for him isn't solid first.

I would offer different insight if you were totally in love with this man, or married and both giving (not neccessarily $$) in equal amounts (like Pita's scenario).

maggiemama I've felt your worries!! I am a college student (until May 5th if I don't go into labor before then!) and a single mother and I was working. My OM is the same in the 'old-fashioned' sense. He would ask me if I needed $$ and I would say,"NO!" whiles I only had 20 bucks in my bank account. He payed for everything and it all made me sick b/c we do have different socioeconomic status' so I brought it up one day and told him how uncomfortable I was and how unfair it was for him etc, and he was kinda saying how what's his is mine and that he doesn't just casually date so that meant he intended us to be together forever and so although he knows that right now I'm in school getting my future secure he figures that it will all equal out in the end and he'd rather me not stress so much about $$. He told me he wanted me to focus on being a mom and going to school and said that there was no reason for me to work b/c he worked and if I worked I wouldn't be able to see him as much. (I about passed out at this point) He knows he's had a lifetime headstart and knows Im not a gold-digger. He knows I hate directly taking cash from him so he gave me 3 credit cards to live on and bought us our own home so it's not like I'm living in his house b/c I picked the house. We are now engaged and I am a spoiled brat especially emotionally but without the financial pressures I had before I am an Honors student and top of my class, my daughter who is 4 can read at a first grade level b/c of the extra time I have and I know that I was in-love w/ him before he gave me a dime and I know that I will stay w/ him if we lost it all tom.
If your serious about him, it's ok to let him help you. He's not stupid, Im sure hes evaluated you for gold diggerness. Do what I did and talk honestly about it with him.

If your serious about him, it's ok to let him help you. He's not stupid, Im sure hes evaluated you for gold diggerness. Do what I did and talk honestly about it with him.

Lillyfairie, I always love your posts! Hehe, I especially like the term "gold diggerness". It made me laugh! But seriously though, you've made some good points in that once a couple is committed to working on a future together, then there is no reason to continue to maintain independence and it makes sense in many cases for each to contribute in their own way (not necessarily financial).

I do think, though, Maggie, that you need to first make sure that you really do love this man and want a long term commitment. I hope this site can help you with that because it sounds like it is age gap issues that might be holding you back.