Deception & Age

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Hi everyone, i am new to this forum. Very glad that i found it; found the experiences and stories shared very inspiring and motivating for someone like me who is considering to start a relationship with a man older than myself.. :p

Let me share some background of my stories..

I met this guy on the net, and has been communicating on the phone every night before we met each other in a dark room to get to know each other physically first. Then only we set eyes on one another.

We communicated and click like old friends. He understand my concerns, took care of me and expressed his love frequently. He text messages every morning and every night before he went to bed. He think of me and is not afraid of commitment - in fact he is looking forward to start a family with me..But sometimes, i still felt like he trick me into committing into a relationship with him based on the circumstances on how we met in the first place.

Well, above and beyond everything else, i dont take "white lie" or "black lie" whatever sort of lie very well. Before we met, he told me he is 35 then become 38 then become 40 then 42..i meant how many times do i have to prepare myself to cope with the MAN getting older and older...He rationalise that his intention was for me to accept him completely before he telling me his actual age becos he is afraid of losing me. I have never dated an older man before this and would never have thought myself will be together with an older man. Physical looks to me is important but not that important because i learned that even the most "plain looking person" can become the most attractive and beautiful person over time. Somehow i can learned to love a person beyond physical appearances.

Today, upon many insistent, he has told me his final true age which is 42 and i am 28, the age gap is 14 years. Comparatively, the gap is not very obvious as i am in my late 20's and he is in his early 40's. He does look older than 42 mainly because he does a lot of hard labour work as well. Comments like father and daughter is rather common as i do look much younger than him.

To me, being in a relationship is always on a one-to-one basis meaning that when i decide to be with one man i would not cast another look at another man. At this point of time, i am not sure if i want to commit myself to him because i am not sure how much i love him. I ask myself questions like .. do you see yourself being with him when he is 50 taking care of him walking the rest of the life together etc etc and my uncertainty is still apparent. Yet i am afraid that if i let him go, i will never find another man who love me as much.

And i am a very sensitive person when it comes to outsider's point of view - i am weary (even before we start the battle) of introducing him to my family and friends, their comments etc etc I cant take public's glances very well most of all, i am confused as to where i stand with him. I dont know what is love, cos with him i feel safe and content but not fiercely, madly, deeply in love if i am then i will have the strength to go through all this. Now is like a comfort zone where i can life with or without him, but 10 years down the road i may not be able to live without him...

As i am writing this, he is also in agony as he is waiting for an answer from me...which i really dont know what to say...I have made the mistake of being content with companionship in replacement of love by spending the past 7 years with my ex living like sibling's. I really dont want to make the same mistake again.

If we didn't live in a society so obsessed with youth and age then people wouldn't feel the need to lie about their age!

You need to decide if you love him --- the person, not the age. As for "being with him when he's 50"; as someone who is almost 50 myself I can tell you you will hardly be "taking care of him" at 50.... he won't be needing the walker, wheel chair and diaper changes for quite some time! There are people out there who are 90 and still running businesses. So don't think about the cliches and stereotypes and look at this man as a human being. Decide if you want to be with him or not be with him based on your feelings about him as a person, not because of a silly number or what "others might think or say".

My wife and I are 15 years apart and age has never even been a consideration in our relationship. She was 21 and I 36 when we married, so when she was your age I was 43.

You have been very honest in your post. Much more so that him.

There is NO excuse for lying. Society did NOT make him lie...he chose to do it.

From reading your post it seems clear that this is not the man for you. You are correct, he is going to get older and older...and if you are slighly uncomfortable with it now...this will only get worse. The stares...family comments...friends...

It is not fair to him to jump in when you have these legitimate concerns.


Jung

(Kind of like me)

It is so easy to make him a monster for misstating his age. Women do it all the time. Nobody normally claims they have a hidden evil agenda.

His situation is more than likely based on the fear of rejection. A social fear most of us have. If anything, it means he is insecure.

I think it would be wise to determine why he felt the need to misstate his age before judging him.

I'm just curious as to what you mean by...You met in a dark room to get to know each other physically first. What is a dark room?

Nadine.

...At this point of time, i am not sure if i want to commit myself to him because i am not sure how much i love him. I ask myself questions like .. do you see yourself being with him when he is 50 taking care of him walking the rest of the life together etc etc and my uncertainty is still apparent. Yet i am afraid that if i let him go, i will never find another man who love me as much.

And i am a very sensitive person when it comes to outsider's point of view - i am weary (even before we start the battle) of introducing him to my family and friends, their comments etc etc I cant take public's glances very well most of all, i am confused as to where i stand with him. I dont know what is love, cos with him i feel safe and content but not fiercely, madly, deeply in love if i am then i will have the strength to go through all this. Now is like a comfort zone where i can life with or without him, but 10 years down the road i may not be able to live without him...

As i am writing this, he is also in agony as he is waiting for an answer from me...which i really dont know what to say...I have made the mistake of being content with companionship in replacement of love by spending the past 7 years with my ex living like sibling's. I really dont want to make the same mistake again.

There are really two posts here. In quoting Jaycee, I simply removed the first one. Now we have a slghtly different issue, and a question that is much more difficult to address. Even this question has different facets.

You aren't sure you love him.
You aren't sure you want to take care of him when he ages.
You aren't sure you can handle non-acceptance of your age gap relationship.
You aren't sure if the comfort is enough to base the commitment on.
You aren't madly in love with him.

But you're also naturarlly concerned that if you let him go you won't find another. I

I'd suggest you consider the fact that this is not just about you. Tell him the things you aren't sure of and see if he's still excited about committing to you... You may feel like he tricked you over his age but you may be tricking him if you haven't presented him with these issues.

I agree with SummerBob! I'm 49 and no where near a wheelchair yet :eek: . Healthy as a horse, teach dance, can outrun my ym on a good day, etc. So, to be more realistic, when he is 79 and you are 65...does that give a better perspective?

At this point of time, i am not sure if i want to commit myself to him because i am not sure how much i love him.

Then I say that you shouldn't commit to him. Not until you are sure...

And, ya Nadine...I wanted clarification on the dark room thing too....

You have people here telling you that they are "healthy as a horse" at 50. But, the fact of the matter is that it is entirely possible that your man won't be.

With age comes certain ailments. That is a reality.

The question is: are you prepared either way?

Well, the hotel room is dark..we have never set eyes on each other before and have sex.. (his suggestion for the first time met-up)

Then we on the light and chat..and eat Mc Donalds on the bed.. :rolleyes:

After that, we sleep until the next day went for lunch and sightseeing in the car, then he left...

30 minutes after he left, he called me again to ask me to go for dinner cos he miss me... :p

We still see each others now, almost every night strolling in the car having supper...chatting..but i have told him my intention of not having anymore pre-marital sex until we are married. I guess other than the religion factor i am also buying time for myself to have better understanding on him and to foster stronger feelings for him before tying myself down.

Things has been on the comfort level, he being in this relatioship deeper than myself and i am at ease when i am with him..He can control my lady temper rather well with his little boyish look and my madness will vanish into the thin air replaced with a smile...cant really stay angry with him for long..

Is it true of this saying that to be happy in a relationships, find someone who love you more than you love him...? :confused: I dont really agree because over time, i find that love and hurts is inter-connected...the deeper hurt you felt when someone leave also relflected the deeper love you have for them and in the end, its all worthwhile..

This week, i have been feeling rather depressed due to complication in my work and i told him yesterday nite thru text messaging that i am tired and weary of work related problems so i want to find a smart, successfully and wealthy man to marry then be a kindergarten teacher and mother...He responded with a very sweet statement...

"I am." "U want to be my wife and be my children's mother?"

Hi all,

Today, i am ending my post because the relationship has ended.. :(

Every weekend he told me he has to get back to his hometown to take care of his old mom due to old age sickness. I trusted him for 3 weeks, never suspecting anything a miss. Thats the kind of person i am, i trust implicitly and always believe the good in people.

Last weekend, i was having a night cap with my ex on how'slife faring for both of us and i asked him whether his home town face similar phone connectivity problem because both are from the same home town. And he said no, it wouldnt happen because the reception are very good there.

That provoke me to think deeper than the surface because everytime he went back home town, he will be uncontactable for the weekend saying that the reception was bad but the actual truth is he off the phone.

The only reason why he is doing that is obviously because he is back to be with his wife and not mother. I tricked him into admitting yesterday night where i sent him a text message that i have found out about his deceiving and that my sources found out that he is married.

Somehow, i have expected the truth to pour out..He is married with a kid. Eventhough he say they are not legally married and he is looking for a way out of that tie-up, i cannot accept his reasoning anymore.

My principal remain unchanged: If this relationship were to continue, I will never forgive myself for getting to be involve with a married man so i left and wish that he will find the love and happiness he once had for his wife when they first met once again..I truly believe that what come around goes around so it is only right that i move on..

A relationship built on lie as the foundation will never have a good ending..Maybe if he has been honest with his circumstances outright from the beginning, things will be different because then i will be given the choice to accept him for who he is and not on what he want me to believe he is..

This will be my last post here, i thank you for the good support and advice given..
I wish all of you happiness for the privilege of having the togetherness that you shared throughout your lives.. :D

Good for you! Be thankful you didn't waste too much time.

Do the females who read these type of threads learn anything from them? How any times do we read similar stories and the female cotinues to hold out hope that the con artist is really a good guy.

Poor woman on the other board waited years for some joker in Romania despite the fact it was obvious he was playing her for a fool ( I posted this a year ago and got attacked for it). Now she is left with nothing but wasted time.