YW/OM relationship vent

I'm 21 and my honey is 30. I still live at home with my mother and sister. My parents are divorced and I have a good relationship with my father and see him on a regular basis. I work part-time and I'm in college full-time at a community college. We both have never been married and we both don't have children. He lives with his brother. He works full-time. We've been together for a year and things have overall been great.

Now that a year has passed, I'm ready for us to start building a life together. We so desperately would like to move in together and one day get married and all that other stuff, but financially we just can't do it right now. We live 30 minutes away from each other so with my school schedule and both of our work schedules, we only have time to see each other on the weekends or if we happen to have the same off days.

Another thing, I don't have a car, nor do I have my driver's license. He's known this all along and is always willing to pick him up and bring me back home. I'll give him gas money so it isn't a problem. Now he wants me to really get serious about getting my license so he doesn't have to drive all the time.

When we are together, I for one do not like going back home. I want to stay there and spend a night with him. There is no privacy because he lives with his brother and his nieces are there from time to time and he can't spend a night at my house because my mom is not comfortable with him "staying overnight" so when we want privacy, we'll get a nice or affordable hotel room and we spend some private time together. Now I have spend some nights with him, but I lied about it. My mom is not wanting to accept the fact that I am 21 and not 12 and I think that it's ridiculous that I even have to ask for permission to spend a night with him, but I do live in her house so until I can move out there is nothing I can do and living with him and his brother is definitely not and option.

It has worked for a year now so it's not that it's now a problem, but I just get frustrated because I want to be able to come home to him, not my mom and sister, though I love them dearly, I can't live there forever. I'm tired of sleeping in my bed by myself. I want to wake up with him next to me and not me just hugging my pillow.

I am almost done with getting my Associate's degree then I will be ready to transfer to my university where I will be able to move and either live in a dorm, but I really want my own apartment since I will be classified as a junior. He on the other hand, has alot of debts and that's another issue so I don't know when he plans on moving out of his brother's house.


I'm just venting to get this out, but any comments are welcomed. Thanks for reading.

Angel,
I think it would be an excellent goal to get your license as soon as you can...and live on your own before considering moving in with your bf. It's just a good thing to experience life and live on your own (in a dorm or apt.) after moving out of your parent's or in with a bf. And the license thing...one day, if you ever want children you'll see how imperative THAT is ;) . It's easier to do it now, than when your pregnant or whatever.

I think your bf encouraging you to gain more independent skills and experiences is a GOOD thing. Relationships have a better chance if two fully autonomous people bring their best to the table and make it all blend and work together.

I wish you the best with your guy...and good for you and your progress toward that degree. Do you have a major declared yet?

Best,
Karen :)

I plan to major in Communications. I'm looking into Journalism or Public Relations. For now, I'm just trying to get my basics out of the way first. I thought that going to school from home would be best. The only thing I regret is the whole freedom and independence issue. I'm always having to say where I am and when I'll be back and all that kind of mess. It's putting a strain on me because I'm being treated like a child, when I am in fact of grown legal age, so it must be putting a strain on him as well. We've talked about it and he thinks that it should be okay if I spend some nights with him. We've been together for a year now so it's not like this is someone that I'm just playing house with. We both really want to share our lives together and build something for ourselves, but our finances need to get in order first. We could just go out on a limb, but I don't want to have to do that and then have to move back home because once I move out, I want to be doing good for myself so I won't have to come back unless if it's an emergency.

As far as living by myself, I have thought about how that might be, but not too much. We want to live together. Honestly, if we both lived seperately, we would probably be at each other's places all the time anyway. For us to have to go back to our seperate places just wouldn't feel right to me. I do trust him, but living seperately may bring about more temptation. I'll be wondering what he will be doing when I'm not there and I'm pretty sure he will be thinking the same. I know this doesn't sound like trust, but I don't want to live apart from him. I don't know. We will be talking more about this. I could probably do it for so long then I'll want us to be together in the same place.

I'm 21 and my honey is 30.

9 years is a very small gap in the scheme of things, try 17.

He's 30 but he will be turning 31 so I go ahead and round it off to ten. I turned 21 in January and he will be 31 in October.

I may have read it wrong but it doesn't seem like your boyfriend wants the two of you living together as quickly as maybe you would, right? Does he have a PLAN on how to pay off his debts and is he working that plan?

Why are you hesitant to get your drivers license? It is a step toward independence and adulthood.

You are right, it is hard to live with parents when one is an adult. BUT unfortunately when we live with someone and it is their house, it is usually their rules or the highway. I never told my parents that I was spending the night with my boyfriend. I would just say that I was going to a girlfriends house. They did not ask and I did not tell (the name of the girlfrined). Do they get into the details of your coming and going like a 17 year old?

Do your parents like the guy?

Maybe that is the reason they protest against him.

I agree that 10 years is not a serious age gap, its is probably a pleasant age gap between an OM/YM.

Sincerely,
Minx

I do tell my mom that I'm spending a night at my best friend's house and usually I'll go over to her house with him and call him from there and then we'll leave. I don't really have to do that either because I know she won't call her house back, but I do it anyway. I feel she knows that I really wasn't at her house and that I was spending a night with him, but I guess my parents are not willing to accept that their daughter is a woman now and not a little girl. This is the first guy I've ever spent a night with and she thinking that this is going to start a habit of me wanting to spend a night with guys all the time, in case we don't work out, Lord forbid. Where she gets this idea from, I don't know.

My parents do like him and they have never said they have a problem with him. Another example of what I'm talking about is that when he are hanging out at my house, we'll be in my room and my mom is still not comfortable with me having my room door closed. One time she came in the room and we were sleeping and she said that she didn't feel right about that because we were under the covers. We still had on our clothes and all we took off was our shoes. We like to lay in bed and watch TV and just talk and we like cuddling and being close and sometimes he's tired from having a hard work week or I'm tired from all my demands of school and work and we'll take a nap or just plain go to sleep. She'll say let him be under the cover and I should not be. I do admit that when we are at my mom's house or at his brother's house that we can't be fully comfortable and we can't do whatever we want to do because of the lack of complete privacy so that is why we don't really hang out at the house for too long. We go places and sometimes we'll get a hotel room just to get away from everyone and those are the times I have to think of ways where I can indeed be able to spend a night with him with no interruptions. I feel bad that I have to lie because it makes me feel that I'm still a child and that I'm doing something wrong when I'm not. I'm 21. I'm legal. I'm in a monogamous, long-term, committed relationship. I'm settled down with one person. What is the problem? So what if I want to spend a night with him? I think this is crazy, but yeah it was mentioned that it's her house so we do respect the rules. They do want to know the details of my coming and going. Sometimes I don't feel they need to know every single thing, but if I'm going somewhere, they want to know where I'm going, who I'm going with, and when I'll be back, etc. I can't be like...I'm going out with __ and I'll be back tomorrow. I'll have to be back that night. There have been times I've come home from being with him at 2am and at the latest 4am. I could have just stayed the night and come back at like noon or something.

I'm just tired of this. I don't feel grown and don't feel like I'm all the woman I need to be because I'm not completely independent and my parents still have a part in my decisions. It has a minor strain on our relationship, but more of a personal strain on myself. Okay so relationships have been the worst area of my life. My parents have seen me hurt and seen me go through one of the toughest experience I ever had to go through with one of my ex's. But you live, you learn, you move on, you are wiser, and you try not to go down that road again. One day they will accept that hey I want love in my life too and going back down memory lanes of me in ponytails and bows is cool for a short moment, but come back to reality. I'm grown. Don't be afraid to let me go my own way.

I am like you situation in some regards. My OM also lives 30 minutes away,and we only get to see each other on the weekends. He is more than willing to drive me back and forth but I feel so guilty about it sometimes. I can drive I have my liscense and all but I am so terrified to do so sometimes. I feel like the epidemy of bad luck. So I attempt to pay him for gas but he never excepts.

In the other aspect he lives in a big townhouse and has his best friend and his son,then his own son and roommate living there. He's capable of living by himself financially but is to good hearted to kick his roomates out. Its frustrating. And now we have a baby on the way...me living in a house with 5 guys and a baby........o boy. not to mention everyone but him in that house is a major slob.......lots of concerens.

Angel

I was in the same situation when i was 22. i dated a guy 10 yrs older. he had the same complaint, my parents hated the fact i was dating someone older and wanted me home at midnight every night. i drove an hour every day to see him. he had his own place. we only dated 3 weeks but yet we were friends for two years. i was so in love with him.

to make a long story short, he never said goodbye, and he left me. he made a huge stink to get me at work then he threw me away. i never found out why, but he had made a comment one day how our life styles were different. i told him i want as much as he does want to start a life with him, without having my parents calling me late at night saying you better come home. i didnt want to go home, but i argued with them every night due to that. (dad is old fashion/over protective) anyways honestly i am 27 now. even though i am in love and engaged, i am going to be honest. my 1st love was amazing, but he must have not loved me enough to wait a little longer till i got situated with bills/responsibilities. if he didnt wait, it must mean he wasnt in love with me.

most of the time i would say move out, live with the man you are falling in love with. but i cant say that. cause if this man truly loves you, he will stick by you until it flows natural. if he gets ancy, irritated, frustrated your not there with him every night, and his attitude starts to change, then....he is not the "man" for you. if he truly cares about you, he will wait, and you should until its natural, not moving out because of all those excuses not wanting to live home. i have no regrets. i mourned for 3 yrs for this man; i waited 3 yrs (22-25)for him to change his mind. i waited for his call. i was niave. i moved on finally and now im getting married. he recently this year emailed me which was strange, he got my email from some person we used to work with; i wanted so badly to ask him why, he never gave me closure, he ripped my heart out into pieces, but i couldn't ask him, i felt that it was wrong being engaged and in love. if i was single, maybe i would have gotten an answer out of him or maybe he would have been the same prick and gave me a bull shit excuse. i dont know and yes i do wonder sometimes, but not often. good luck.

mudandcoal and everyone, thank you for your responses. I really appreciate them.

Angel,
I got my assoc. degree and transfered to a big university, where I am majoring in broadcast journalism. WORD OF ADVICE: Beginning a new college is very stressful. I don't think it would be a good idea to make two stressful moves at once. Moving in together at this points sounds like it will bring about tremendous financial strain.
Grow up a little first. Jumping into this thing is not going to make you feel independent.